you are not ready to have sex if...

before i hit the sack and be one with the cousin of death, i want to leave you with some truth. Most of my blogs are normally shallow and entertaining. I thought maybe today, i should switch it up a lil bit, and give you some information that might actually be useful to some of you(read not all of you).

You are not ready to have sex if

1. If its not your idea, you are being pressurized.

2. If you don't have the courage to buy a pack of condoms at the chemist
(drug store for some of you)

3. If you are asking yourself whether you should, or shouldn't(have doubts)

4. If you still giggle or are uncomfortable around the word SEX.how do you
know this? If every time a sex scene comes on kwa hizi ma soaps you
cringe====>shout celibacy.lol

5. If you think sex is dirty and you have stupid ass rules like no sex on Sunday.smh
If you still call vagina lame names like pink cadillac, cat,
mesopotamia- wait only i do that!Forget it. If you still call the penis
retarded names like joystick,schlong, chuchu- darn it!only i do that...okay
move to point six already!

6. If you don't have a personal gyno and cant afford it(sex ain't cheap)

7. If both you and your partner are unemployed(sex is expensive)

8. If you don't feel safe with your significant other and don't know
their Hiv status.

9. If you still live in your mamas house and she pays the rent.

10.If you don't love the person you are with(applies to women mostly)

kwa hayo machache, good night!

the old virgin

So i have gone through many blogs and i have noticed a pattern with female bloggers. Almost all of them talk about virginity at some point. Its very amusing how some pretend that its not a big deal and yet its in their blog.

The hand typeth what the heart if full of(i made that up, ok i stole some quote and rephrased it.sue me)

virginity and sex in general is a big deal for women.It happens inside them... I love what someone said

the sheet duel is more meaningful to women as it takes place in them.

Personally i think its because the distance from the uterus is shorter than the distance from the heart to the you-know-what.lol.But seriously though it really is a big deal for chiqs because once you cross that bridge there's no turning back. Don't believe the secondary-virginity bs they try to sell you. Once the hymen is gone, i'd rather the term you use here celibacy.Don't forget the fact that it will hurt af.An the excited lad has no idea the "damage" he is doing down there.

Anyway today i want to purposely talk about the older virgins. People above the age of twenty five and are still walking around with the hymen. If you thought being a virgin was bad, try walking in the shoes of an old virgin. Its really tight.

...the pun so intended...

First there's always the question on when to whip out the information when on a date. Do you say on the first date? second? a month later? What if the other person is not also sure they want to cross that bridge and your timing is off? and then its all awkward!

Then there's the ridiculous questions you have to contend with. Are you sure you are a virgin? What did you do in college? How far have you gone? Will you let me be your first? This is when you think to yourself- does this genius think he is the first man to offer his "services"?

Then it gets worse. The person starts treating you like a child. Remember in RUSH HOUR when Chris Tucker's character thought the "Jackie Chan" couldn't speak English and every time he was addressing him he spoke S-L-O-W-L-Y to make him understand? yep that's what you will be subjected to. They will treat you like you are retarded. Peoole will start to tell you shit like there's a way they can break you without it hurting(as if). Or tell you bs like it hurts when a man doesn't have sex(read blue balls)-its not fatal though, he can deal with it.Somehow its believed that virgins have lower I.Q.s. Which then means when you have sex your I.Q goes up, explains why hoes have Phds lol.

The ninja will start to be annoyingly nice to get you to relax. They will even go to the extent of calling you wifey or introducing you to their family and friends to show you how serious they are. They will give you credit, pay your rent, make impossible promises... anything to look good in your eyes.

They will be willing to hold your hand in public, hold your purse at the club and even hold your hair(read weave) as you mwaura after a wild night out. Some will even try to get you drugged/drunk(roofie anyone?) to help you "loosen up".

Then he will start testing the boundaries, wondering when he is gonna get lucky so that he can go and gloat to his boys. Make out sessions will turn into war(now you know what Jordin sparks meant by why is love a battle field). Always having to turn ninja when his hands starts sliding down. Can even generate into you having a vice like grip of his prying hands as he tries to go to third base (or is it forth?)The relationship is then going to be reduced to ways-of-how-to-get-you-to-bed. Its all you will think about. Eventually he wears you down and you walk on. I mean you have said no so many times, its now a reflex. You don't even think about it. After all that boat is already sailed along time ago.

Then the games begin the sulking(projecting), snapping at you due to pent up sexual frustration. You have to contend with unreturned phone calls, a second date is out of question. Men will be running away from you like you have leprosy. It sometimes get to you because you are feeling left out and you get tired of loosing the men in your life over some membrane. If you are lucky, very very lucky you might just find that tame vampire to wife you.But its a very long shot, you need faith, the kind that can move mountains- am talking Mt. Everest.

If you thought the loneliness is bad, the discrimination you will get from some females will break your heart into a thousand pieces.They will laugh at you for not being attractive enough to get some guys attention. They will mock you because you lack opportunity. They will brand you a liar and a pretender. If they see you hanging out with some dude(a kadinya) to be precise, they will brand you a hoe and spread rumours about you.

The funniest thing men will leave you alone and move on to the next...but the women will give you grief for days. What hurts the most, those closest to you who know will be the ones who will be at the fore front spreading the rumours...telling anyone who will care to listen...your classmates, your love interest and surprise surprise even their boyfriends/husbands too(never did understand why though, like you and your man having nothing better to talk about other than another chiq's hymen???) By you choosing virginity they will feel like your rejecting their lifestyle and implying they are hoes. Some chiqs will even give you a timeframe for how far you will go with your "kujifanya fanya holy". So much for women not being their worst enemies!

Then you decide to give in and decided kujiondolea aibu. You start thinking who will you give it to...who deserves it? The answer is no one does, not even you the carrier of the hymen.So you can stop searching. You will try to date and the guy will talk about sex and you feel like he is only with you for the promise of sex(which is true but you don't need to know that) and the cycle will begin all over again. Men love sex, that's how they are wired. For crying out their organs are outside, they can see an feel their need. Every morning when they wake up and as they go to sleep. If you have a problem with that maybe you should consult the person who created them. The best you can do is get some decent guy who you like and is reasonable enough not to hurry you and be prepared for whatever happens after. Whether he will stay with you forever or walk away after the sex has grown old nobody knows(not even him too)so have an opened mind and try not to put the pussy on a a pedestal.lol. Virginity is like money. When money is in your pocket only you know how much it is... It only has value to you. Your neighbour can't feel its worth.

I don't want to paint a bleak picture though. Virginity has its advantages. you can avoid unwanted pregnancies,no need for contraceptives with horrible side effects, you got no emotional traumas, you are able to form deeper relationships with the opposite sex not dependent on sex,Break ups are not as painful to recover from, no risk of cervical cancer,sex addiction, STDs, Hiv/AIDS etc.

Virgins have nothing against the others, problem comes in when they try to convert you which is almost as ridiculous as them getting their virginity back. So for the love of (anything sacred) live the virgins alone and get on with your life.thank you!

If your determined to remain a virgin then you better get a virgin buddy for support, one who will understand what you are going through. You'd be surprised of how many they are still left. One who will give you moral support when you are dumped for the 100th time for not giving up the goods. Drugs and Alcohol which are bound to impair judgement are out of questions. Movies like sex and the city, californication - don't even think about it. Music like Motivation by Kelly Rowland, Redlight special-tlc, is a no-no-no. Mwalimu king'ang'i and Maina Kageni are not you're friend...repeat.Magazines and novels kama za Jackie Collins should be burned on sight. Some of your hoe friends are gonna have to go, especially if they start pressuring you to do the nasty.And whatever you do, don't go around telling people you are a virgin (ask the gay people why.lol.), besides you don't see hoes going around raising their fists and telling people "am a hoe and am proud"... or do you? Try also not to act so"virgin-y" it doesn't look good on you. Be strong and carefree and out going. Be vague when somebody asks you anything about sex, or use jokes and sarcasm to get you out of "sticky situations". A sense of humour will go along way in making your life easier. Always be relaxed and stop walking around like you have something up your kaboose - even if you do.lol.

Last advice- Have sex when you are ready and its your idea. Don't do it when coerced or as a way to keep a guy.Don't do it to be popular or fit in etc. It wont work.Its not worth the heart ache you will go through after having sex for the wrong reasons.Its your body and its your prerogative to choose how you use it. Make sure you make the right choice.

I leave you with one "celibacy song" to start you off in the straight and narrow path if you should so choose.

My Body
Trin-I-Tee 5:7

Who do you think I am? I don't play these games.
Not goin' out like that let me explain
Tryin' to save myself, don't pressure me
My spirit leads me to celibacy.
I have to just be real and I know it's fair
I wanna please my God and I don't care
You can just leave now, but if you stay
There's gonna be no other way.

[CHORUS:]

If this is love then you can take it;
If this is not then don't ya fake it-
[Lyrics from www.EasyLyrics.org]
My body is the Lord's temple,
Don't mess with me ... God's property.
It ain't that bad if you try to see
His perfect will is all that I need
My body is the Lord's temple
Don't mess with me ... God's property.


What part of "no" don't you seem to understand?
I just can't move that fast-- it's not His plan
I'm not ashamed to do what I know is right
His yoke is easy and His burden's light
Momma sat me down and she would say,
"Just trust in the Lord and Him only"
No disrespect but I can't be with you
And try to serve the Lord in honesty too.

[CHORUS:]

My body is God's body.
No it ain't your property.
Jesus died on Calvary,
Just to save someone like me
Who am I to betray His love?
Tell ya what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna pray fo' you
"Just trust in the Lord and Him only"
No disrespect but I can't be with you
And try to serve the Lord in honesty too.

[CHORUS:]

My body is God's body.
No it ain't your property.
Jesus died on Calvary,
Just to save someone like me
Who am I to betray His love?
Tell ya what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna pray fo' you

men and women can't be close friends

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but not friendship
-Oscar wilde-

His name was…wait I can’t say his name. ..Let me call him M. He was a very beautiful man, my first Mr-maybe (like maybe we could have gotten married and had those rug rats and made my grandma happy). I loved him to the moon and back. If you squint kidogo, I swear he looked like Denzel Washington (haki ya nani). The sun rose and set in his eyes. We had lots of fun times. He even have a picture of me in his wallet ( I find that romantic, especially since he took the photo without me knowing. Yeah it’s silly but it made me feel all warm inside-and no I didn’t have gas). He was more than I could ever ask for (true story)... I don’t say that about just anyone.

But…( there’s always a but). He had a female best friend. If you thought Karma is a bitch, you are wrong. Karma is a cold hearted witch, who decided to punish me for my present, past and future sins. The girl was called Vicky- like me. They happened to be workmates and they spent way too much together. They had private jokes and finished each others sentences, it was actually creepy. It’s the sorta closeness you saw in movies as Mr.Ruto would put it. They even had nicknames for each other. Whenever we hang out people thought I was the third wheel (and it felt like that too). M thought it was cute that his ‘gals’ had the same name. I didn’t want to be the bitchy girl friend who was insecure and isht, so I held my peace (it was hard, it took a lot for me to not go hara-kiri on myself)

A day couldn’t go without him saying Vicky this , Vicky that. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it Vicky was a very big part of his life and she wasn’t going anywhere. I can’t tell you how many times I fought the urge to call that heifer and tell her what I really felt, but my huge ego wouldn’t let me. So I held my tongue as long as I could, until I couldn’t.

The last straw came on her birthday. We had made plans to meet that day and being the typical man that he is he forgot her birthday. On the day before our date the idiot calls and tells me he can’t make it because it’s her birthday. I was so pissed I could taste the bile in mouth. I wasn't even invited... She won... Vicky finally won. I gave him an ultimatum that if he didn’t show up that day, he shouldn’t bother coming at all. Yep, he never came. I can’t begin to tell you what that did to my ego and self-esteem.

Days later a friend told me that the two were officially going out. I guess they hooked up on her birthday. As Job in the bible lamented “that which I have feared has come upon me”. I felt betrayed..that Judas(atleast judas did it with a kiss). I was even angry with myself especially since I saw it coming but I lied to myself that I could win his heart and keep him.

Don’t let anyone fool you. Men and women can’t be close friends. It’s just bs some people are tryna sell us, and I ain’t buying. Why do you need a female friend and I am here? I have male friends who are married and I always take a step back and I don’t call them that often. I trust that the person they chose can take over all my duties and more (if you know what I mean).

Anytime i see a dude am going out with, spending way too much time with some chiq with whom they have no blood relation and he whips out words like
"we are close friends”,
"she is a very special friend”,
sijui "we grew up together",
"we are neighbours ocha",
"my course mate",
"we are family friends" ,
"shes like a sister to me"
and my personal favourite “we are cousins” (more like kissing-cousins if you ask me, but you are not asking so…) I run for the hills.

I’ll be damned if I put my poor heart through that ordeal again.
Close friends my ass. Nkt!

p.s. If you are married, engaged or in a very serious relationship, any friends of the opposite sex should be mutual. If your partner doesn't know-YOU ARE CHEATING.PERIOD!

women are crazy- part two

...But women weren’t always this way. They say black women go to sleep with clenched fist. Its not because we are bad people its that we have seen our grandmothers and mothers fight battles every day of their lives alone without any help from the men. They have fought oppression, illiteracy, poverty etc with their fists when most of our men are no where to be seen. When they go to sleep they know the next day they are going to have to wake up and fight to survive and make ends meet for their kids.

I watched the Wangari Maathai documentary and saw how women stripped to protest the unfair inprisoning of their sons and they eventually were freed. Talk about unique weapons! (I know of a mama mboga in nakuru who has a son who is a lawyer and she did things to put him through college. Through sweat blood and tears she made it. She told me how one day her husband left home for work and he never came back. He never even carried his clothes. She looked in every mortuary and filed a poice report and he was later found to have moved in with another woman. She told me how she begged and pleaded with him to come home and he refused)

Over 70% of our households are being headed and run by women so excuse us for being hard...its the only way to step up and take over where our fathers and brothers have failed. Women are now quickly infecting the younger generation of women who grow up having given up on finding good men. You just date anything that gives you attention..after all they are all the same.

Men are now guilty by gender, Not only do we date bad men we are now ruining the good ones.My paranoia has driven many men insane. Call it what you want but am not going to get caught off guard. Some dude once lied about where he works to impress me...now I want to see business cards, meet colleagues, impromptu visits to your office. Interviewing of your B.F.F. its so easy to make the ninjas squeal.hahaha Yeah I go through pockets, I vet your female friends and your phone is subjected to scrutiny every month. I will be damned if another chiq thinks she gon come here and snatch you without the fight of her life. I don’t even play hard-to-get any more. I play show-me-how-your-not-going-to-hurt-me-like-the-last-one-did. What are you going to do different. To say am impatient with men is an understatement. If you dare renege on your promise I will make sure that you don’t forget it. A simple mistake like telling me “ongea haraka sina credo” will earn you an arsenal of abuses (no disrespect arsenal fans, it’s a word I made up.lol).

You all know what slavery did to the black man and he is yet to recovered from it after hundreds of years... You can do the math on how long its going to take for women to recover from what the men have done/not done for them.

Theres a reason why the devil gave eve the fruit. Women are very influential, sorry men its women who run the word. Beyonce wasn’t lying, and it wast the Illuminati talking either.lol.

In my village they are now using women to rob houses. A lady knocks on your door to ask for something and when you open BAM your lying on the floor fighting for dear life. A pal of mine stopped to help a lady with a flat tire, lets just say that's the last time he saw his car.

But all is not lost men there's a way you can fix it. Start stepping up to the plate. Respect your mother, wife sister and any women around you because that’s the only way the cycle of abuse will be broken.

I always say movies are prophecies. They not only show where society is at but where its going. The series 24 featured a black president long before Obama became president. Now I would recommend movies men need to watch to show them how wrong things could go if they continue to disrespect/mistreat women.Be careful the stuff you say to a woman in anger they don't forget. Some dude kicked me in class four and i never forgot. Met him on fb recently and reminded him, funny enough he couldn't remember(how convenient). The thing about women is that they are constantly changing and growing. That woman your are mistreating will one day come to her senses and it will be game over for you. Anyhoo watch this:-

1. Derailed

2. Chicago

3. Wheels on a butterfly

4. Femme fatale Tv series

5. Awake

6. Unfaithful

To women you all just need to get back to the middle. I could explain further but the song with the title explains it so well. The lyrics are below

Back to the middle by India Arie

She is, twenty five, spent over half of her life
So afraid to speak her mind, it's such a shame
'Cause what a brilliant mind she has
Chorus
And now she's been introduced to confidence
She doesn't see, that she is bordering on arrogance
When will she learn, to come back to the middle

He is, a young black man, grew up without his father
And now it falls into his hands, to protect his mother
'Cause if he doesn't, well then who will, his older brother lives in fear
Of everything, especially, trying to fill his father's shoes

Chorus
Respectively, they go to extremes, of masculine and feminine
Chasing dreams, but they keep on falling
'Cause they don't know no balance
When will they learn, to come back to the middle

Bridge
You must take the good with the bad, and you might hit the wall
Sometimes you'll fly and sometimes you'll fall
There isn't any way, to avoid the pain
But it's getting burned, that's how you will learn
To come back to the middle

Instrumental Break

Chorus

Needing to protect your self now that is just a part of life
If you let your fears keep you from flying, you will never reach your height
To get to the top you must come back to the middle
When will we learn, to come back to the middle
Come back to the middle, Come back to the middle
Don't make no mind about falling down
'Cause it's when you're in that valley
You can see both sides more clearly
To come back to the middle

Instrumental Break

Chorus

Needing to protect your self now that is just a part of life
If you let your fears keep you from flying, you will never reach your height
To get to the top you must come back to the middle
When will we learn, to come back to the middle
Come back to the middle, Come back to the middle
Don't make no mind about falling down
'Cause it's when you're in that valley
You can see both sides more clearly
Come back to the middle

lyrics from easylyrics.org

women are crazy...literally!

All women are born evil.Some just realize their potential later in life than others.
Chad A.Gamble

…I found one man in a thousand that I could respect(upright), but not one woman…
Ecclesiastes 7:28

…women are the root of all my troubles, women are the root of all my woes, once I was so gay and so full of laughter, now worry is all that I know, don’t never let a woman come near, especially when she calls you dear…
-Blues song-

...That's the thing about girls.Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.girls.(*blasphemy*). they can drive you crazy.they really can!
-The Catcher in the Rye pg93

Women are crazy! Yeah I said it! I should know am one of them. I bet some of you right now are fixing to chase me down the village with torches and pitchforks. Now before you get all hot and bothered please read on. You don’t have to thank me later, you can thank me now- you are welcome!

Ever notice how men are always happy when they are young and carefree? Then everything starts to go south when they discover women and it gets worse when they discover “senior relations”? yep it’s the “rogue effect”.

Let me explain..

In the movie X-men there’s a character called Rogue. What? You’ve never heard of it? Gawd know your movies people...know your movies! Anyhoo the character has the latent mutant power to absorb the life energy and psyche of others through skin to skin contact. In the movie she tried kissing some dude and damn near killed him. He went into a comma though and Rogue now has to wear body-concealing clothing to eliminate the possibility of accidental skin contact.

Me thinks the Kenyan woman is quickly going “rogue” too. What with all the things women are doing to men these days. If men are vampires then women are rogue. See how Sookie is able to subdue the wild side of Bill with just her feminine charm. So if they(women) are not draining life from you...

...then they have protected/concealed their heart to avoid any form of intimacy with you to avoid getting hurt.

If you thought men were bad sweety you have no idea what women are doing in secret. I know a chiq who is living with a man she hates and he has no idea. She just tolerates him because he pays the bills and she is jobless. (She has aborted many of his unborn children and ninja has no clue. I think there should be a way men can sue chiqs who abort children they have sired. I tried to access the miracle pill for aborting (no am not pregnant, was just curious) I was told its 5000/ and you need references to get it. Some clinical officers discovered that this particular drug has a side effect of removing fetuses easily from the uterus without any damage to the uterus. You just bleed for 3-5days and BAM! you are unpregnant)Poor dude has no idea what’s in store for him. The day she will get that job: God help him.

I know of women who are keeping secret accounts/property from their beaus. Some even have children they are keeping secret from their husbands. There’s even this story of women killing their husbands slowly by putting glass powder in their food. Apparently it slowly corrodes the insides of his stomach and gives him ulcers which eventually kill him. I don’t know if it works though and I don’t want to find out.

If you go to Women’s prisons am told 90% of the women are there because of a man. It could be because he lied, stole, cheated, raped etc. Gives meaning to the phrase ‘hell hath no fury than woman scorned’.

I also learnt that when women have their periods due to the hormonal imbalance they go insane; seriously we are kookoo a few days a month. The female skin also changes depending on their diet, hormones, stress levels etc (forget chameleons). Some claim that most female offenders committed crimes when they were on their period. I hear prison matrons normally ask the new inmates when was their last period and on which day did they commit the crime (shit just got serious men). You are living with a woman who should be in a straight jacket for 3-5days every month. If the series Casefiles on KTN is anything to go by then we are in trouble! Explains why we have been having cases of men being bobbited in Kenya, women are going f-ing insane. Told you to invest in metallic jock straps but who listens to me anymore.SMH

Btw you need to watch ‘CHICAGO’ it’s a musical with a great storyline about female offenders. Its hilarious

A guide to successful sulking

One day this guy went to the office with new clothes. The next day he came with new clothes again, like he had worn them straight from the store. On the third day his friends got curious. After his friends prodded him they discovered that he went home late on Sunday and the wife refused to open the door and told him to go back to wherever he had come from.

The dude check him self into a hotel and started going to and from work from there.This continued for a week until the wife got scared and went to pick him from the hotel. This dude is my hero. Now that's what i call successful sulking!

I don't like sulking but some people have this habit of bringing out the worst in you and you resort to sulking to avoid getting pissed further. The more you talk the more they bull shit you. Silence then becomes the best weapon. Like this dude for instance, being chased away from a house which is paying morgage. The door that he bought is locked and the wife even didnt have the decency to hear the reason for his lateness.

Personally if somebody sulks for me(akinifuria) i give it back to them twice the time they took to sulk...sorta like my own secret justice(yeah i know am shallow.sue me)

I watched a movie a few years back and this dudes story reminded me of it. I cant remember well but i think the movie was 'my five girlfriends'. The movie gave the rules for sulking and ive decided to share them with you, enjoy!

1. the sulk must be sparked by some wrong doing, the more trivial the better.

2. the punishment inflicted by the sulk must be disproportionately large in relation to the original offense.

3. beware of making the sulk too short and therefore not allowing sufficient guilt to build up in the sulked.

4. the sulk should never be about the incident that sparked it

5. the sulk should be gauged a success if and only if, the sulker has to be talked out of the sulk by the sulked.

are you a vampire?

Still on vampires…their reputation as repugnant “dead creatures” have over the years changed. They have become something of fascination in the 21st century. They have evolved to super hero status overshadowing mummies, zombies, Dracula, werewolves etc.

Vampires have inspires movies and TV series like Trueblood, the twilight series, gates, vampire diaries, vampires assistant, blade etc.

My personal favourite is Trueblood.

Why I like it? It humanizes vampires such that they don’t come out as vile creatures. I am currently watching season three and so stoked for season four (I know what I want for Christmas*hint, hint*).

The story revolves around Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) a human in love with a vampire - Bill Compton(Stephen Moyer). It doesn’t hurt that Sookie is beautiful with a nice gap in her teeth and nice tushy. Rumour has it that she is bi(am not implying anything here). Bill is also easy on the eye. I mean who doesn’t want to do “bad things” to him? and the two characters are married in real lfe too...aaawww. Theres a character called Kenya n TrueBlood and am Kenyan so hey...

The series is based on the books ‘The sookie Stackhouse mysteries’ by charlaine Harris.

The movie had me at the theme song at the beginning : Bad things by Jace Everett.

…When you came in the air went out, and every shadow filled up with doubt,
I don’t know who you think you are but before the night is through I wanna do bad things to you…

-you can check out the video.

The images at the beginning are a bit disturbing though. I get the feeling as if they are mocking Christianity but maybe its all in my head..i dunno. I also hate that they have introduced other creatures like werewolves, shape shifters, witches,, fairies, (sookie having super powers?)...but they don’t take the thunder from the vampires though. Have to warn all the prudes that there’s a lot of SNL in season three so make sure there are no kids around. The “relations” which are not of the straight persuasions are many here so if you are conservative don’t even bother watching.

There’s a lot of humour too e.g. Bill is being served blood and the host describes the blood as – chilled carbonated blood, cruelty free, willingly donated- as if it should make him feel better. Its sorta like how they write on some products –not tasted on animals for the benefit of the animal rights activists and our conscience. (personally i think if they don’t test it on animals they are testing it on me) read “what you don’t know may kill you” on mademoisellerogue.blogspot.com and see what I mean.

…Not now dufus! later! am still talking here.smh
So in my search for vampire info I came across a group of people who are convinced they are vampires. They even have parties where they drink each others blood ( and you thought I lost my marbles)

There’s even a list of questions to know if you are a vampire.(if I didnt know any better I would think I was a vampire. haha.

You can also do the vampire test too.

1. Are you sensitive to light/sunshine?
Am shortsighted and can’t see a thing without my tinted glasses

2. Are you good looking and freakishly handsome?
Check my avi. need I say more!

3. Do you hate garlic?
I ain’t particularly thrilled by garlic in my food.

4. Is your night vision better than your day?
Notice all my blogs are updated are after midnight.

5. Do you have trouble sleeping and are a night person?
See point four.

6. Can’t take photos or dislike the mirror?
Am not crazy about photos or mirrors. See profle pic.

7. Cannot enter a house unless invited?
Am well mannered. does that count?

8. Can you get others to do stuff through mind control?
You are reading my blog aren’t you?

9. Do you inspire fear in others?
Admit it, I scare the isht out of you.don i?

10. Do you have heightened sense of hearing?
I always know when my nephew is in trouble even if hes nextdoor.

11. Are you strong without gong to the gym?
Check out my guns gggrrrlll!

12. Are you cold to touch?
Have sweaty palms, does that count?

13. Are you uncomfortable sleeping in new environment?
Ive never left my village, except maybe when I went to college.

14. Do you love eating/drinking blood?
I loved mutura until I read Genesis9:4 and had to stop.

15. Do you have trouble crossing running water?
Am afraid of heights and especially bridges.

16. Do you live in a dimly lit house and love the dark
Am not afraid of the dark: my bedsheets are black btw.

17. Can you die if stacked, burned, decapitated?
Duh!

18. Do you hate silver?
Got nothing against silver but me thinks gold and diamond are a girls best friend

See am no vampire.lol. now you try it…

know your vampire

You are prolly wondering why am so obsessed with vampires huh?

And you are thinking am going to tell you right?

Wrong! Dunno either.

Know most of you already know what a vampire is and you want to me to STFU but its my blog and I get to do whatever I want so the sooner you put that n your pipe and smoke it, the easier you will breathe dear…muuhahahah

Vampires are mythological/folkloric beings who subsist by feeding on human blood and other living creatures. They are also believed to be humans who died and came back in their original body. Legend has it that people who died unnatural/premature death/violent deaths came back as vampires.

They include:-

- Hanged especially after being wrongly accused

- committed suicide

- born with deformities

- A child who died before baptism

- If you are the seventh child of the same sex in terms of birth order (you all know seven is some kind of important/magical number: the smallest prime number, James Bond’s secret agent no. 007, rugby seven aside, snow white and the seven dwarfs, forgive 7 times 77 times in the bible, Jesus was the 77th in the genealogy records etc)

The stories of vampires begun during unexplained misfortunes like famine, death, and disease. The belief became so persuasive that in some towns it caused mass hysteria that sometimes led to public execution of suspected vampires

To curb vampires people would visit the grave regularly. If there was an opened grave or a sunken grave they would retrieve the body and check it out. In some places they would take a virgin boy on a virgin stallion and make it pass in the grave yard if the horse balked on a grave it was retrieved and examined (i wonder if today they can find any virgin boys now to help root out vampires.lol.

The corpse of vampires were generally described as having healthier appearance than expected, plump and showing little or no decomposition. Sometimes had some trickle of blood on the side of the mouth (interpreted as having recently suck blood)

Scientist on the other side say that sometimes in winter the bodies don’t decompose. This causes the intestines to bloat which forces blood up in the mouth which explains the blood trickle on the side of the mouth.

Well now you know. Ta ta

Adhiambo

By now you have prolly discovered I am self absorbed and vain to boot. Today am talking about my behind. Why? How about because its my blog and I can do whatever I want.tihihih…

I have a very tiny waist and a rhinoceros ass. I always get amused when people find me seated and they assume am lean and then I stand up and POW! They get hit by Max- short for Maxine.lol.(that’s what I call my tushy.dont act so surprised, you have names for your phones, vehicles, laptops so why cant I call I call my tushy)

My body started changing early when I was in class five, that by class eight I had my full bootilicious body. Sadly though , my mind couldn’t catch up wit my body. I had grown men giving me grief not knowing that my mind was not yet fully developed as my body and therefore could not appreciate their advances. I literally had to out run some dude in my neighborhood from school so that I couldn’t talk to him, He tortured me for months until he later learnt I was underage (now I understand what Akon and R.Kelly were thinking. You never know that a chiq is underage, some of these young girls have fully developed bodies and sometimes even their mind too)

High school was uneventful, as i went to an all-girls high school, although I remember this one time some chiq asking me how my legs are able to support my big ass. ouch!

Fast forward to college and the torture begun again. I had strangers describe me to their friends..yule manzi anakuwaga na hips kubwa. They forgot my face but never forgot max.lol. It really irritated me to a point that I started wearing those long sweaters to try and hide it.

or like when some chiqs tell me "vicky i love your upper body". Now whats wrong with the rest of my body nkt! ( and don't tell me the-if-i-compliment-your-hair-don't-mean-i-don't-like-your-face argument, i will cut you!)

Don’t get me started on dressing. I have like only two pairs of jeans that fit me. If it fits my waist it wont fit max, if it fits max it wont fit the waist. When it comes to skirts, I have to either go low waist or very high waisted ones never in the middle. I remember when I was living in Mombasa I went to some stall to buy a skirt and this guy asked for my measurements .He then told me that was impossible, so he measured me to confirm and told me to wait. He went out and came back with men from other stalls to come and see my max.i have never felt like a freak like I felt that day. I couldn’t read them the riot act as my “bara Swahili” is challenged.

It has come to a point where I don’t even bother to wear jeans anymore…although I hear in Nairobi they are custom made to fit any body type by a designer whose name escapes me now...if any one has his/her contacts please contact me. thanks.

I also hate when people immediately assume am not wearing any panties because Maxine shakes too much. Thongs are out of the question because things will be all over the place(if you know what I mean).lol. So granny panties it is(sue me). There’s no way in hell am exposing my dear Maxine to being tied down. tihihi. I rarely do heels because they exaggerate my behinds movements. Oh the life of a bootilicious woman!

...and public transportation. I mean who are those seat belts meant for??i rarely get one that fits and when I finally get my seat belt on it cuts circulation from my nether areas. Yo human rights activists..a lil help here…

Dating is also interesting because I attract “ass-men” who are always slapping on max whenever I pass by. Men think is cute when they slap on a random ladies ass but it really is annoying. They should include it somewhere in the law.lol. Hate always having to remind Mr.victorine –my eyes are up here*while pointing my eyes*whats with men and ass any ways???

I asked my brother and he simply told me there’s a reason why tourists come to Kenya to see the big five and visit the Mara and not any where else.(my brother and his analogies) I told him to expound and he told me that the conversation was awkward to have with a sister.nkt

When I started working I realized just how shallow men can be. I get favours because of max(Its sexual harassment when the man wants a payment for the favours.lol) yeah! Yeah!i am a hypocrite, I used max to get things done and fyi I never compromised my dignity if that’s what you are thinking. I mean men are gonna look regardless of what I say so why not get some gravy for this free show?

p.s. I could have uploaded a picture of max , but I don’t want my past to come bite me in the ass(max i.e.)

my pet peeves - part two

Where was I? Yes, possessive people.don't like them at all.

11. liars, flaky people, inconsistent..-When you say you are going to be there...do just that . If you cant make it tell me early I make alternative plans. If we are meeting in town and your running late or just stuck in traffic please call and say so. If am in town I can go check my mails or pay my utility bills as I wait for you. But keeping me parking in a restaurant for hours forced to buy something to eat which I had not planned is just plain rude. Or those chiqs in abusive relationship, always breaking up with your boyfriend then get to gether then break up etc etc also tick me off. The constant phone calls and crying on the phone and making me cry will wear me out. this list is endless…

12. Chiqs who cant cook and think its progressive. First of all I acknowledge there are girls who come from privileged backgrounds and have always had a maid to wait on them so never learned to cook. Their mamas also don’t know how to cook too.i understand, but I don’t condone it though. My big issue is those chiqs who have been raised in the village, geshagi ndani and then now want to be in the mabarbie class lie they cant cook na kwao they use jiko/ fire wood, shame on you. Don’t be ashamed of your background it’s where you are going that’s most important.

13. criticize my cooking. I rarely cook for people, I only save it for people I really care about. I am no gourmet chef but I am a pretty good cook. So after I have spent an hour or so : cooking up a storm ,enduring the onions in my eyes, unga under my nails to make you warm meal. I get on the table and you start with the soup is not thick enough or the salt is too dry, my chapatti is shapeless..kwani unakula shape? I will cut you…then make you eat it off the table like a dog. Then you will take me to the supermarket where you bought the cohones to diss my cooking.nkt

14.super shy people. Its okay to be shy and all but when the situation demands that you man up and speak up please step up to the plate. If you don’t ask for what you want you will never get anything.

15. people who try too hard to impress me because they are under the illusion that I am smart or something..i don’t know! Don’t get me wrong I don’t know everything and there's something that you know that I don’t know , I am open to learn. But if all our conversation is all about you tryna wow me with what someone aptly put as “pseudo-intelligent bullshit” I will bullshit you back and am very good a liar too. I will make up stories that when you quote else where people will laugh at your plagiarizing ass. I remember this one guy I taught something and he forgot and came back to wow me with it and I was tempted to remind him I taught him that but being the big man that iam I let it slide. I was flattered though, its not every day that people quote me. And those people who name drop all over the place.


"We were in carnivore with Nameless" (translation nameless happened to be n the same restaurant but they never even talked) or taking photos with a celebrity when he/she is not even looking at the camera SHAME,SHAME,SHAME!!!


I have a friend,( ok he is not my friend we just happen to have mutual friends) who has book marked a dictionary in his phone always looking up words that i use to confirm if i use them correctly...sort of like a mobile grammarnazi. Boy do i hate his pompous ass.i have since cut off all communication with him.

16.People who start to say something and then tell you never mind or I wont tell you because you will tell.seriously!!! why start in the first place?

17. touchy-touchy-huggy-huggy-feely-feely people. Those people who are too liberal with their hands. I m sitting and your hand is resting on my thighs…we are walking and your pinky finger is locked with mine… a stray hair(read weave is in my face and you brush it away…why now????

18.asking dumb questions.my favourite is when you at 2.am and ask if I am asleep? Or those spam messages asking questions before selling their products. And this includes Jehovah witnesses, people selling insurance etc

19.trying to extort money from me. Like when I ask my gal out and she comes with a friend who thinks am going to pay her meal too.Do i look like i mint money in my garage? you got nothing that want heifer! I work had to make my money i dont see why someone should try to extort me.when you tell me unaenda ku Lipa stima then I find you in Merica eating buffet..i will cut you

20. Get physical or any kind of physical abusive in a relationship – I can proudly say I have never been hit by a man ever?i have never hit a man but not for lack of trying. I have thrown stuff and they ducked(or is it because I am bad at sports) Its just plain rude..whats so bad that you cant tell me or atleast argue like normal folk.

21. the chain emails asking me to forward or I will die.if you have ever sent me any of these messages please slap yourself. you are dead to me. And how about the person who sends me the message die first. Don't force me to support causes that i cant even confirm their authenticity.

22.spell check kwa computer. I don't really hate it.its love-hate relationship. Like when i want to write ugali it gives me options like ugly.seriously! but i don't hate it as much as i hate the grammarnazi especially those who make more grammatical mistakes than me.

23.bad liars- if theres anything i hate more than liars is bad liars. I am a good liar, if you are going to lie tome u better be creative about it. Go wild. Don't hold back, so that when i catch you atleast i wont be annoyed coz you cared enough to be creative.

24. People who sulk. i am the only person in my life allowed to sulk. if you try this on me i will spin it around n you and redefine sulking. i will pass you on the street and make eye contact and not greet you ndio uone nmekuona na sikusalimi.

25. surprises. i hate surprises, always have, unless f course you have discovered the cure for hiv or cancer then by all means wow me. all the ther suprises kee it y yurself coz i really dont care,

26. Telling me what i was about to do. Scenario one- am carrying a flask in my hand with two cups walking towards you... and you ask me to give you tea. Kwani ulidhani nilikuwa naenda kuwekea nani chai?

27. Hyper sensitive people, especially men. Those people when you kosana with them they apologies and ask you if you can still be friends. That's almost as ridiculous as fighting with your mum and then asking her if you can still be her child. Like you getting that C in maths is going to remove your mothers DNA from your body. If i didnt want to be your friend i would not have cared to fight with you. If i fight with you it means i still care. Don't get me started on those people who block you on twirra... then unblock...then block... you need to make up your mind whether you want to hate me or be friends coz the undecidedness is making me dizzy.

i think ill stop there because am having muscle spasms from all the pent up anger inside me.

london

No…not the city, the movie.

I watched this movie a couple of days ago. I should warn you that if you are into fast action movies maybe this movie ain’t for you. It mostly takes place in a bathroom(sort of like Kenya’s MALOONED)It may have a little action, few locations and the acting not so over the top but the writing is awesome and will blow your mind. So just concentrate on what the writer was tryna get at( through the stuff the characters discuss)

The scene starts with drugs and there’s a couple of sex scenes and lewd language so you might wanna make sure the kids are off to bed before putting it on. My other fave actors Jessica Biel (remember SEVENTH HEAVEN) and Jason Statham (remember TRANSPORTER, ITALIAN JOB?) and he has all his hair in this movie.

Any ways the movie starts with Syd ( a druggie) finding out that his ex-girlfriend who he ain’t over is going to California with her new beau and has a going away party.

He decides to crush the going away party and try to win her back before she leaves. He ends up locking himself in the bathroom with his friend, where he proceeds to do drugs, drink and reminisce about his relationship with his girlfriend and where he went wrong as he works up the nerve to talk to her.
He remembers how he couldn’t say the words “I love you” because according to him he didn’t see the need to put a verbal label on things. The constant criticizing of his ex and his weird beliefs like-if you can avoid the first fight, you will never fight. what??? The writer shows how dysfunctional relationship can be between men and women and how different people have different opinions/ view of lfe. Syd and his friend even argue about how long it takes to recover from the end of a relationship. Syd reckons its ½ of the time you spent together while his new friend argues its 1/3.

There’s the issue of therapy, which is explored at length. Both Syd and his friend are attending therapy but don’t seem to be getting better. For Syd, he has been going for therapy for months but the pain isn’t going away. According to him the therapist is taking his money as he is slowly dying (I always had my reservations about therapy). He just wants the pain to go away (don’t we all!). He has taken lithium, Prozac etc but nothing seems to help. “You would think with all the pills in the market you would, there would be one able to take the edge off a chiq leaving you” –syd

His friend who is banker is recovering from being divorced from his wife of 3yrs and is impotent. He believes that if you cant hack it in the sack, you cant hack it anywhere, you are a total failure ( again what’s with men???). He describes the pain of divorce as emptiness within emptiness, the person you married isn’t the same as after. He remembers the words his wife told him like bullet wounds (they are stuck on his mind). What kills him is that the man before him and after him in his wife’s life is better than him because they can all give her what he couldn’t.

They argue about sex with underage girls. This is because the legal age in most countries varies from as young as 15-21. So it’s like if men are on an island where international law doesn’t count they would sleep with young girls. But the banker says that…”if we tell women the horrible things we have done we will never get laid”.

They talk about freaky sex. Platinum showers, S&M (which apparently is an expensive hobby both mentally and financially) Etc. So for all those who were curious what Rihanna’s song S&M meant you can watch this movie. I think when Chris slapped her something inside her snapped.lol. The movie scared me more about men, especially British men.

The issue of religion comes up with Syd who keeps on questioning the existence of God. He doesn’t see how some invisible dude in the sky is taking checks and balance on 6billion people, its like santa clause to him. His ex in one of his reveries claims that God exists, she argues that there was a time on earth we didn’t know that the earth was round because we didn’t have technology. She thinks its possible in our lifetime we will have the technology to see God. pretty interesting innit?

P.S. keep your eye on the rice experiment. Its hilarious mayne

Men are all the same (you can quote me on that)

Yeah I said it! If you don’t like it , go jump in a lake.
Wait...wait…I kid…I joke…where is your sense of humour ninja?

I have been spending a lot of time with my ‘nephews’ (nephews in quotes because they are actually my bffs’ sons, I don’t have any nephews or kids so am living vicariously through my pals’ lives). What comes out very clearly is just how their behaviours are the same as the grown men around me. It made me realize that men never really grow up, they are just tall babies. Men are the same…whether young or old, rich or poor, learned or not etc

Like when my nephew was being bullied by the older boys who took his toys he refused to give me names. Grown men also react the same; they can never tell you anything that’s going on with them. Especially anything that will show them as being weak. I have heard of stories of my friends ‘dads dying in the house because they refused to admit they are sick and go to the hospital. Like we are gong to think less of them if they are sick. Seriously???

I read a quote somewhere that men perform better with an audience. They like being praised and motivated just like my nephew. If he does any thing good he asks me "mbona hujasema good boy?". Whenever i refuse he gets very mad and starts rebelling. I have since learnt the perks of positive reinforcement from him. If you look at most great men, they always have someone cheering them on. Me thinks the reason why most men these days don't deliver is because they got no one cheering them on. They have no reason to do better... because the men are not being cheered on they get to a point they ask themselves why bother? Our pastor always tells the brothers to go where they are celebrated not tolerated!

My neighbour’s daughter came home for half term and my nephew seems quite taken in by this new girl. They spent so much time together, escorting her to the shop and agreeing to eat her food. When it comes to me, I have to follow him around for him to eat. (OK I will admit I was jealous of her). Didn’t know I was so replaceable...left to eat alone, watch cartoon alone. Yes I hate that girl for taking my nephew’s heart away from me. As soon as the schools opened, my nephew was all mine again…in your face heifer! But I know its only temporary, he will find another girl...then another…then another :(. .. now girls does this script sound familiar???

My uncle once told me when you have a baby boy its not good to have him in diapers all day. Some times you need to let his “dudu” breath so that’s what I did with my nephew. This meant that anytime he wants to susu he has to come to me to unzip his trouser after warning me not to hurt his dudu. He always reminds me of this one time his other aunty hurt his dudu with the zip and he had to go to the hospital which his mama also confirmed for me. Its seems their obsession with their joystick starts very early. Now it all makes sense!

He is always going on about what he is going to be when he grows up. Shows me the car he is going to buy…he believes he can be anything he wants to be. Grown men also believe in themselves that am starting to think that it’s ingrained in their DNA.

One day he and his friends made a mistake in the house and no body owned up. I tried, coercion, begging, threatening, third degree treatment…nothing. It’s like they have this pact never to turn on their own. Men carry this believe to their adult years. If a man is cheating on his wife he can rely on his boys to cover and tell you that he is sleeping over.lol. This is one of the traits that irk me the most. That’s why ladies insist that all men are all the same. If he is not cheating he is enabling his friend to. You are what your friends are. The only thing the good guy suffers from is an over active conscious, lack of opportunity and cohones. Its only a matter of time before the good guys starts cheating…only a matter of time before he switches off his conscious and gets his dick on…then we are all screwed(forgive the pun).

I am in good platonic relationships with my male friends and I have noticed they occasionally try to push the envelope…the lingering hugs, the sweet texts, the late night calls, putting up with my crap, listening to my boring stores on their credit, reading my blogs…always waiting for that moment when am vulnerable to make a move.

They are not necessarily bad people, it’s not even about me, it about the ‘pink Cadillac” always has been.

(wish there was a way we could rip it out and let them keep it, like Wanda Sykes said in one of her stand up comedies). The BS that-I want a man to love me for who I am does not count, it will leave you disappointed. Have you ever heard a dude say ”ebu cheki vile Yule dame ako na roho poa” when a girl passes by? Didn’t think so. They will love the body first then the rest of you later (if your are lucky) and not the other way round don’t be deceived. It’s painful to admit but the sooner you admit it to your self sweetheart the easier life will get for you. It’s just how men are wired, that’s all.

An old college buddy recently found me on facebook and was asking me why I never let any boy in our clique dip (yes including him). After all this years, he could still remember his missed opportunities.smh. I remember at my old place of work, we were not allowed to work in the same branch as your love interest especially if you are intending to get married,

(if marriage isn’t your ultimate goal, then your relationship is pointless. Just thought I’d put it out there)

some how they think it will compromise the running of the organization (and I agree). This rule made it easy for me to ward off unwanted advances. Pause.

[I have to confess something first though. Am chicken shit and I never know how to get out of he-wants-to-have-sex-with-me situations with a plan firm no. So most of the times I lie because guys never buy the (I don’t want to) sijiskii excuse or am saving myself for marriage ish, especially if you have engaged in steamy make out session and your body is saying otherwise. So I lie through my teeth...and am a pretty decent liar too.My favourite is my mama is coming over(guys fear good ol mama), its that time of the month(just the thought makes guy cringe/nyira), am on drugs that are drying up the you-know-what…tihihi - am so bad. I get away with most lies…I.e. until I can’t. lol]

So after I quit my job this lovely guy called and told me that since I had left could we pick from where we left off…again I lied and I wont tell you the lie because you will think less of me than you already do and I don’t want that. I don’t know which is worse , the lie or the fact that he believed me!

Anyways so where was I…yes on the good guy (the very few left). Eventually they get corrupted, say your room mate is always bringing home girls and they have a third wheel…guess what it will be your duty to entertain the third wheel and if she is easy chances are high that you will dip. I normally equate men’s thirst for sex like the fictitious vampires desire for blood. Am not saying men are vampires but you get my drift… A man can never get enough of riding the ‘pink Cadillac’. If you watch the vampire movies even the good vampires sometimes end up biting someone and feeling guilty afterwards.A lady was telling me that when a guy asks for sex she feels as if they think she is bad/easy, again its never about you. When the vampire wants blood, he don't care who he gets it from- they don't go like oh, lets go find some girl with a bad personality and drain her blood(i hope you see where i am going with this)

A study was done and most men admitted to have either raped a woman or tried to force her to have sex. I have heard horror stories of other chiqs’ ‘first time’ and they all sound like rape to me. Lke this one chiq whose beau had her in a half nelson(or was it quarter or full nelson cant remember) in the boudoir. I am made to understand this is done in wrestling. Now how in the (name of anything sacred) do you put the love of your life, future wife and mother of your kids in such a position? jahmeni? This other guy was telling us how he put his hand on his girlfriends throat to pin her down because she was resisting but when she started choking that's when he let go. He was actually amused when he was telling these stories. I was so mad I read him the riot act and he apologized. He was describing rape and all the other men in the room didn’t see why I was getting all hot under the collar. Some other dude was saying how the only reason a chiq should come over his house was to ride the joystick as his house is not a Bed and Breakfast joint…VAMPIRE!!! These vampires…sorry these young lads get carried away and forget that the pink Cadillac need some oiling before it goes out for a ride. This further proves my theory about men vs vampires. Women always blame themselves when a man cheats or others blame them for not “taking care” of their man. It’s never about the woman most of the time. Have friend who keeps on cheating on his fiancee, I have asked many times what is she not doing right but he says nothing, he doesn’t even know why he does it. He is putting me in a very bad position as I am now guilty by association (my being is enabler)guess am also a vampire too. !

p.s. speaking of vampires I should do a blog about them…mmmmhh…

my pet peeves

We all got those things that irritate us...

...stuff that make you want to rip out your uterus and hit someone with it(i dont know the male equivalent for this).Please don't tell me or else i will include you in this post and CAPS LOCK your behind.lol.

Here they are:-

1. People who take or touch my stuff without my permission... and that includes my phone,purse, boyfriend, clothes, perfume, books... especially books.I noticed this behaviour where they take your phone go through it and make sure they return it bila credo.There are friends who when i visit i make sure my phone has zero credo...but i shouldn't have to do this.nkt

2. Staying with my ish for so long i have to borrow it back.What gets my goats is when it comes back damaged. Like when they give your book dog ears and the book looks like they were eating their dinner off it...what with all the soup in the pages of the books. seriously!!!!Were you raised by wolves? Use a coaster sweetie.

3. Singing along to songs kwa matatu, supermarket, kanjo toilets etc.i mean do i look like a talent scout? Or those people who have their ear phones on and they are somehow deluded that they're singing is the same as the person singing in their ear.Its like they are asking you to choke them with the earphones wire.

4.People who throw hints instead of saying what they want.I don't catch hints and no am no psychic either.i don't know for the life of me why chiqs do it to me too.i thought its a weapon only used to get men to do for you stuff. Like when you are hungry you keep yawning...i will so ignore you...

Don't get me started on the men who ask for booty call with hints ati "come home nko pekee yangu tuwatch movie"...and when i come over you get your Barry White voice on and start being liberal with your hands.i will cut them off haki ya nani. At least if you give me a heads up i can get another weave on, maybe even wax,bathe,heck wear matching bra and panties...or carry a few paraphernalia to make the day interesting...but to ambush me like that...now that's just wrong!

5. Your mama jokes. How in the (name of anything sacred) did people decide it was ok to make fun of your mama who gave you life?I have never told any "your mama" jokes and i never will and i don't find them funny either.

6. Filling in forms:all my life is consisted of filling in forms: at work, bank,church, hospital...will it ever stop?I hate it so much that i have given our local M-pesa guy my details so that he jazias me and i sign(i hope i won't get him in trouble with good ol bobby.lol. The questions usually range from intrusive to ambiguous, making me feel like i am doing an exam.

7. People with no phone etiquette. If you call me once and i don't pick just send me a text to call you back and i will.But leaving me 10 missed calls and 3Please calls me sasa ni uchokozi.Don't even go to the flasherholics...na kutuma texts ni bob.There are even offers for sending texts at lower rates...subscribe already!

8. No bathroom etiquette. I never knew why women bitched about leaving the toilet seat up until a relative came to live with us and made sure to sprinkle some Uric acid on the toilet seat every time he used it.Good thing we have a latrine outside the house.we let him have the toilet . And those people who finish the last roll of tissue ad don't replace should slap they selves.and those who forget to flash the toilet and allow me to see your body rejects go jump in front of traffic and die already.mschew!

Leaving hair on the sink, soap, bathtub,karae after you shave in my house will make me go homicidal on your ass...and that terrific ring of your scum around the bathtub or karae is not exactly pleasing to the eye..wash that ish genius.

9. Long nails on the pinky fingers on men..yes men am talking to you...the leaving the label on the suits, the shiny pointed (mwalimu jini) shoes...those ridiculous V-necked t shirts showing your hairy man cleavages... the bright coloured skinny jeans...i could go on but let me leave it at that..i feel a migraine coming on.

10. Being possessive of me.As long as my name is not beside yours kwa marriage certificate you do not own me. This not only goes for men but those chiqs who smother me with love and affection. Don't get me wrong, I want you to be there for me ...and yes also want you to be here for me (sometimes), but at some point your going to have to go back to your life...I cant be your everything..you need the Holyghost to go with you everywhere, not me.please i beg o.

I once let some girl crush at my place and we'd leave in the morning and then she'd call me after an hour to check how was doing.Yes i threw her out after one week...you cant police me like that.
when we go to a party please mingle don't follow me every where either physically or with your eyes...that's just creepy... and when i want to go out and you don't please don't guilt trip me into staying with you because if you do i may not come back after the party.

...to be continued...

the green fairy

I was just reading some random stuff when I came across this word Absinth and I became curious and decided to look it up. The stuff that came up with literally blew my mind. I can’t believe my friends who know about the absinth have kept the information to their selves. But being the good girl that I am with my big heart like a water melon I decided not to keep the information t myself but to share.

Absinthe is an alcoholic drink originally from Switzerland. It cant be classified as liquor because its not bottled with added sugar in it, so its classified as a spirit.The only difference with it from other spirits is that it has a very high alcoholic content, green in colour and has to be diluted by water before consuming. It is derived from the Artemisia abinthum commonly referred to as Grande worm wood plant and a range of other herbs like: fennel, anise, mellisa ,hyssop.It gets its green colour from the chlorophyll released from the herbs.

This drink according to absinthe drinkers (also known as absintheurs) is nasty and has to be ingested within the first ten minutes in the glass because the longer it sits the nastier it gets. It can also eat through plastic storage so should be kept preferably in air tight glass container. Its also highly flammable so should be kept away from fire. (If a truck carrying the absinthe drink overturns you cannot siphon). Ok I take that back that’s a mean joke.

Initially this drink was considered as an addictive psychoactive drug and was banned in many countries in the 19th century until the early 1990s when its revival begun. This is because the people taking it suffered from hallucinations and psychotic attacks afterwards. Despite this drink being vilified many continue to partake it .From writers (Ernest Hemmingway, Oscar wilde, Mark Twain), artists(Pablo Picasso, Vincent van gogh), intellectuals, poets etc. Rumour has it that van gogh cut off his ear while under the influence of this drink. Currently its only legal n Frances, Switzerland, France, San,Czech republic(the former Czech resident Vaclav havel was a fan)In America it was illegal but if you made some for your personal use no one cared???? I don’t know if its still illegal now though.

I Was pleasantly surprised to find that there are absinthe enthusiast all over the world including celebrities like: Eminem(and why am i not surprised), Tommy Lee, Marilyn Manson, Johnny Depp.

Absinthe contains a chemical thujone has been blamed for the hallucinogenic property which explains why van gogh cut off his ears and made Eminem rent a whole hotel after he was denied the chance to consume large amounts of this drink. This thujone when taken in large quantities is said to cause psychotic attacks, sleeplessness, night with vivid dreams(huh?),renal failure and sometimes convulsions likened to epilepsy.

To reduce its side effects the levels of thujone has been limited to 10mg according to the regulations of E.U. Although it’s a controversial drink it has a good side to it too.. The thujone in small quantities excites the brain cells and helps the creative juices flow, explains why many artists, painters ,writers liked it so much.e.g van goghs works are in ochres and green which is said to have gotten inspiration from the plant. Pablo picasso too has a painting depicting the absinth drink…and a few other writers are said to have mentioned the drink in their works.

Currently there are even songs titled absinthe praising the drink. And oh it also an aphrodisiac; increases sexual desire (now you see the connection between your mind and your loins??). I now know what I want for valentine’s now.lol.

Although this drink sounds like a dangerous drink I would be lying if I didn't say I want me some. So if any body has some please call me at 0724…come on you didn’t really think I was gonna give you my number now did you.

Any ways I leave you with a few quotes describing the drink enjoy(the quotes i.e.)

…it makes a ferocious beast of man, a martyr of woman and a degenerate of the infant…

…it may be nasty, but you’ll find that the more you drink the less you care.

Ernest Hemingway “After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were, after the second you see things as they are not…finally you see things as they really are and that is the most horrible thing in the world.

Oscar Wilde “The first stage is like ordinary drinking, the second when you begin to see monstrous and cruel things, but if you persevere you will enter upon the third stage where you see things that you want to see”

Johnny Depp “I hated cocaine but I used to like absinthe, which is like marijuana; drink too much and you suddenly realize why van gogh cut off his ear.

…romanticized by many, damned by few…

...absinthe makes the heart grow founder...

p.s. for those who hate reading you can look it up in youtube on how its made