King of the Jungle my *ss

I love tripe (matumbo for some of you). I especially love the fact that my kid bro hates matumbo or any food that squishes in the mouth from avocadoes to fatty meat. The more for me! I was talking to my bff and she told me she doesn’t eat matumbo too. According to her it has no nutritional value and it looks weird on the plate. I wasn’t really tryna hear her bad mouth the mouthwatering matumbo until she added- besides even lions do not eat matumbo. O.O She basically implied that even the lion was clever than me for not eating matumb. Gah!

This got me curious about the lion so I decided to read up on the interesting creature and what I found out shocked my duodenum. I think you better sit down for this. First of all I don’t understand how the lion came to be called the king of the jungle. It’s the second largest animal in the cat family after the Tiger. I mean they couldn’t just declare the Tiger the king? What got my goats is that the lion doesn’t even live in the jungle; it leaves in the plains and grasslands!

Wait! It gets worse. The lion doesn’t even hunt that much! The Lioness does all the hunting in the pack. The lazy *ss lion sleeps between 16-20hrs. It spends ¾ of its life just sleeping away while the poor lioness slaves away. Now if the lioness takes too long to bring his dinner, the lion is known to steal food from other animals such as the hyena and leopard. One of its hunting tactics is to literally bitch slap the prey. Apparently it has huge paws that deliver a blow which can break the zebra’s back.  It couldn’t be bothered to run after no prey. Aint nobody got time for that!

Now even after the lion has gotten its meal either by stealing or waiting for the lioness to hunt it doesn’t even chew its food. It swallows the meat pieces in chunks. Chewing food is for the birds (wait does the bird chew its food?) whatever! The lion doesn’t even let the fragile cubs go first. After the lioness has brought the prey, he has to go first then the lioness then the cubs that will then leave the rest to the scavengers (eg hyenas, vultures). The lion eats the best parts too like the heart, kidneys and liver. Only the best,  for the king of the jungle.

During the mating season the lion and the lioness will often go without food for sometime. I thought being the king; he would know how toA multitask or at least keep his female in check. But that would be too much to ask of the king of the jungle. It has been observed that when the lioness is on heat it will mate with more that one male. I knew the lioness was sneaky, hunting for the cubby daddy (lion equivalent ofbabby daddy)so he doesn’t know she is doing the dirty out there. Do your thing lioness, I ain’t mad at you gurl.lol

You would think with all the sleeping the lion does it would have some latent energy for future hunts but alas! When the lion walks his heel does not touch the ground; it gets its swag on y’all! Like he is too cool to walk on the dirt! Now to mark his territory, the lion will go pissing all over the place so that the other strange lions know what is up!

You know I thought the lion being the king of the jungle and all, it wasn’t afraid of anything. Would you believe the greatest threat to the lion is… wait for…it- the PORCUPINE! So much for the king of the jungle. 

Look at him!Looking all debonair nshit! nkt!

No the one who drunk, doesn't drink!

I was blog whoring a few days ago when I came a cross a post by an irate young man. From what I gathered this young man used to be a man whore then decided to change his ways- which is commendable if you ask me. Now the trouble is that people around him don’t believe that he has really changed. They keep teasing him and giving him a time frame in which they expect him to go back to his old ways. Every time they see him with a woman they assume it’s another conquest which scares away the potential girlfriends. And from his angry post I’m pretty sure he has had enough.

Now I am not surprised at how people around him are treating him, I’m surprised at how in his mind he assumed he would just segue from a philandering ass to a good boy just like that and all would be forgiven. He thought there would be a long line of people waiting to pat him on the back or give him glucose or some shit like that for seeing the light.  Like we they going to forget all the lies, broken promises and trail of broken hearts he left in his wake.  All the abortions he paid for and the marriages he ruined. The illegitimate kids whose child support he absconds every month. Ati his guy friends were going to forget how he used to brag about how he could get any chiq he wanted.

If like me you have effed up big time in the past, you very well know that the consequences are invariably there. Some mistakes you can take back but most you can’t. I’m talking alcoholism, adultery, criminal activities etc. Do not blame the people around you for being suspicious of your intentions. It’s very hard to break some habits and even harder for people to believe one can change. For example when the police are looking for any criminal who is fresh out they always go to his old hiding place or look up his old mates. It’s just one of those things that make you understand how rare it is to find people change for the better. I remember in the TV series The Unit one man was asked if he believes people can change and he replied, “I don’t believe it but I've seen it. Meaning even after seeing people change right before his eye he still doesn't believe it.

The hard part is not even shedding off the bad boy image, its trying to convince the people around you- especially the ones you have hurt- that you have really changed. When you have a past it doesn't go away. The secret is to concentrate on living your life and letting your actions speak for you. Stop trying to win over your critics and stay on the straight and narrow. Live your life and forget the naysayers. Not everyone is going to be your cheer leader or excited about your new path. It may require you to lose some of your old friends who are all up in your ear telling you what to do.

The ones you have hurt may forgive you but not necessarily forget. Your past mistake could be that elephant in the room which some may use as a weapon when they want to hurt you. Proving yourself especially after you have broken some promises in the past is both tiring and pointless. You can talk till your blue in the face but it still won’t mean shit.  If you have watched the movie Transit you can see how a mistake a father did in the past almost cost him his family. The character gets involved into a mistaken identity scenario and when he tries to explain his wife doesn't believe him and it almost gets them all killed.

Be ready for there are some who will throw it in your face that you messed up. Don’t let it deter you or make you get off the wagon. Now go forth and do good and for crying out loud stop trying to explain yourself!

Interesting columnists

Below are some of the columnist I read regularly. Please check them out when you find the time- and no they didn’t pay me to advertise:

1. JACKSON BIKO – MAN TALK

I love his column because he is entertaining and I get to see things from the male perspective. And this ninja has a way with words! He can be talking about something like weaves and still managed to make you laugh.

2. AKINYEMI WALE – CHANGE TALKS

This writer is very motivating and his column is best suited for those who are looking to improve themselves. He is not one of those irritating feel-good writers but he gives practical advice that would actually help when applies in one’s life. His column is on the Friday DN.

3. CHRISTOPHER HART – MEN AND WOMEN

This columnist gives very sound advice on relationship that can prove very useful for the young and old alike. I have watched a couple of his interviews on telly and he looks like a guy who has a good head on his shoulder. I believe you can take his word on most issues. I especially enjoyed last weeks topics on why you should avoid dating married men.

4. KATE GETAO- FLAKES

I have been reading her column since forever. She is just too funny. She sounds like a well travelled and well read women. If I ever get to become a columnist I would love to write just like her. I also like the fact that she has a deep knowledge of the bible and occasionally throws in some bible truths in her articles in a way that is not offensive to the non-believers. If you find the time read her last weeks column on ‘The new tourism’. Too funny!

5. MUNGAI KAHINYA- WORLD OF FIGURE

I never liked maths during my days in school but Mr.Mungai has a way of making mathematics fun. I remember his articles on calculations about the Phone billing methods and the payment of PAYE and I was blown away. I especially enjoyed his column yesterday about the words ‘most’ and ‘majority’. This is because I had the same argument with my students a few days ago about the meaning of the word ‘many’.

6. SUNNY BINDRA- SUNNY DAY

I wish I could find the right words to express just how much I enjoy Mr. Bindra’s articles. He is so passionate about Kenya. Just like his name he brings sunshine into my Sunday evenings. He is so optimistic and has so much hope and dreams that I wish he could put it in a bottle and sell it. I follow him on twitter and his tweets are always about growth and getting things done the right way. I have taken some of his advice and I can testify they have proven quite valuable to me. I also like the fact that he provides links to his articles via his twitter handle so you have no excuse for not reading his column.

7. PHILIP OCHIENG – MARK MY WORD

I love his mastery of many languages and how he can compare the use of different words in German, French, English and even in his native dholuo. He has inspired me to read more and learn about other languages apart from the ones I already know. I’m sure if he read this post he would cringe at some of the mistakes I have made. He even corrects some of the articles that some of our journalists write in away that you can’t even get offended. A few days ago I got the chance to hang out with some friends and somehow the topic came to him and I was happy to find people who read his column.

8. LITERARY DISCOURSE, FACE-TO-FACE, BOOK REVIEWS

These columns are found in the Saturday nation whereby they interview writers and do reviews on books, magazines and other kinds of literature. They feature articles from various writers such as Prof Egara Kabaji, Evan Mwangi and Julius Sigei. In this column they also features the feedback from the readers giving their reactions to previous articles which I think is cool! They have also featured famous writers such as David Mulwa, Prof Austin Bukenya, Mwangi Gicheru, John Kiriamiti, Ayi kweyi Ahmah, Taban Lo Liyon, Nuruddin Farah and Wole Soyinka among others. If you are an avid reader you will want to read this column religiously- I know I do.

9. CLAY MUGANDA- CLAY COURT

One thing I admire about this writer is his guts. He speaks his mind and woe unto you if you are easily offended. He tells it as it is and he is brutally honest. He says those things most people feel but dare not say. Some of his articles make me uncomfortable because they say what I don’t want to hear but I need to hear. I have to warn you that he is an acquired taste and if you are sensitive some of his articles might offend you. There have been quite a number of critics who have written very unsavory things about this writer in various blogs but he still soldiers on.

I guess now everyone knows which newspaper I subscribe to!

What rape does to a woman

So many theories have been put forth to explain why some men rape women. From their trying to impress his friends by losing his virginity, he wants to avenge himself against a woman who spurned him or they fear and disrespect women and have this urge to control and dominate them through rape. No matter the sick reason for wanting to hurt a woman this way the fact is that rape is very traumatizing to the survivor.

Maybe if men understood what rape does to women then maybe they would stop when a woman says no. As I told you in a previous post I have never been raped but I have had a friend try to grab me. It really affected me to date I don’t trust men around me. I’m always very wary when I am around them. One friend even noticed how jumpy I am around him and felt bad and told me “Vicky okan bim”. Loosely translated am not an animal (Baboon to be specific). But his assurance doesn’t mean jack especially since statistics show that 85% of rapists are people the woman knows. For a long time I was even scared of smiling at strange men in the streets, wearing trousers or fitting clothes so that I didn’t appear like ”I was asking for it”. Like my friend who made the comment that certain deserve to be raped. Our friendship hasn’t been the same since. I’m very alert around him and I only hung around him when other people around.

If my near-rape-experience scared me like this imagine what it does to those who actually get raped. These women become emotionally scarred and associate men with pain. It is a life-altering event and the survivor suffers a wide range of emotions from shock, disbelief, dismay, insomnia, tension, anxiety, irritable, shame etc.  Rape survivors suffer post-traumatic stress disorder that includes anxiety, memory loss, and obsessive thoughts. They are afraid of going out in public and are anxious about dating. Some women have trouble eating, sleeping and concentrating on their work. Some relieve the rape all over again through nightmares and flash backs. Rape survivors feel shame, dirty, soiled and forever different.

Some women express anger and hostility not only towards the assailant but to other people even those who want to help. They become irritable and blow up at the slightest provocation, sometimes even without provocation. There are even some who become abusers themselves when they grow up. Some victims seek to gain back control by trying to administer justice on their own by hurting the rapists which is not advisable as it may land you in jail. If you seek revenge it may back fire and you find yourself in the same situation again especially if you are not strong physically.

There are even some who still blame themselves for what happened, like it was their fault. If only they would have done this or that differently then it wouldn’t have happened. Some women even end up committing suicide because they just can’t cope with the pain and abuse. Just because the doctor claims “their injuries where minor” it don’t mean that they are over it, far from it!

When a woman gets raped, she feels powerless. You do not even have a say or able to negotiate safe sex or birth control when you are being raped. Some women even get pregnant, STI’s or worse HIV virus as a result of rape and have to live with it for the rest of her life like the character played by Charlize Theron in the Class Action and the character played by Anika Noni Rose in For Colored Girls. Imagine having to deal with all these on top of the trauma that they went through during the rape and the feelings after. Everything is done on the terms of the rapists. It’s all about the rapist and they do not really care about your feelings. It is being done to you. You feel like you are nothing and you do not know what to do. She is no longer the confident woman she used to be. They feel like they have no control over their own person and the rapist proved it. The worse part knows that you will no longer be the same a gain. If your family and friends know they also feel helpless because they cannot help you. They wish they could “fix” you and get back to how you used to be. They want to but there is no way they can take back what happened no matter how hard they try. It will always be this dirty secret that cannot be discussed.

After rape the woman lives in perpetual fear. The fear may weave through all other aspects of their life. Like the world is no longer safe. Like they have no place to craw back to or hide in. If it happened in their homes or office they either quit or move because they fear the perpetrator will come back. When they walk in the streets they keep looking over their shoulders to make sure the attacker isn’t coming again. A woman begins to approach strangers, friends and acquaintances with new caution. In some countries women don’t report their rape ordeal for fear of being treated differently and shame.

Rape is not fun, it is the most brutal and terrorizing act any man can perform on, to, inside a woman. It hurts the woman to the core of her being. Some women end up with injuries ranging from wounds and tearing in their private parts. Younger girls even lose bladder control as they become damaged during the rape ordeal. There are rapists that beat the women or use weapons to subdue them.

It is especially worse for those who report they have been raped. They have to work with men eg doctors, police who will see what have been done to you. They have to ask you inappropriate questions on top of examining and poking around your private parts. Is like having someone remove a band aid and start poking around your wound. Some people will blame you for having not be vigilant enough to prevent it. This can make a woman to start feeling guilty and the rape was her fault (which of course is not true). You will have to go to court and prove that you were raped. It is ever more traumatizing when the attacker is not automatically jailed and walks free. It is painful when the victim feels unbelieved by family and friends they care about. Some, especially lovers may treat you differently, like you have been damaged or spoiled somehow.

Do not be that guy. Do not be the person who hurts women like this. Even if the woman is not killed by the rapist, something inside her dies. Some women never don’t bounce back. Rape is one of the worst forms of violence that can be done to a person. Treat women like you would your sister, mother or the females you care about.

Happy Anniversary

So I just realized as I was about to log off that I stated blogging in July 2011. It is therefore my 2nd bloggiversary. Although I haven't been that faithful these month but I promise to give you the juicy details as to why I have been MIA. Duraammmaaa!!!

the love of meat shall be the death of me!

Gourd! I love meat! I would go to the details about just how much I love it but I think a picture would explain it better, you know seeing as a picture is worth a thousand words and all!!

I didnt even try to get to the next room but ate the bird(read chicken) right there next to the cooking pot. yes! its that serious

I promised fuegocassey that I wouldn't mention her again in my blog after I described her to a T in a previous post. Guess I lied because I am just about to mention her. Its just that she is so interesting you can't help but watch and listen to her talk. She seem to think people are wierd but me thinks she is a wee bit kookoo...in a good way.

I eat almost all kinds of meat, she can't stand eating cooked liver. she reckons that since it removes toxins from blood then some residue must remain in it. she swears everytime she tries to eat it, she can actually feel the metallic taste it has. I think this lass doth protest too much. When yours truly eats cooked liver all I can feel is the flavours just bursting in my mouth. F the metallic taste nshit.

We were trying to think what names we would give ourselves with fuegocassey. if we became strippers ( dont ask) she reckons she would go with Henessy - although I think the moniker fuegocassey would inspire men to put more ndovus ( a thousand bob for some of you) in her stringy knickers. I would call myself diamond, you know seeing as diamonds last forever. but whatever... where was I ... yes meat.

My love of meat got me into trouble last week when I ate so much my skin started breaking out. You would think that would stop yours truly... au contraire!  Anyway here is a post I did a while back on meat from pig. Hope you learn from it, if not I guarantee it will leave you lolling.

ta ta
lovely people

Is it abuse if I enjoyed it

I watching The Game  ( I don’t remember which episode) where the character Malik was talking about how he lost his virginity to an older girl and then jokingly asks “Was I abused?” This episode reminded me of some guy back in college who did it with their mboch several times and was telling us that it’s not abuse because he actually enjoyed himself!

A couple of months back there was a clip on one of our local stations about Samburu girls being given necklaces with some Morans to show that they are an item. The girls are usually aged between 9 – 15 and the Moran is allowed to come to a special Manyatta (which they call Singira) constructed for them and have their way with the lovely young lasses. I was about to have a hernia when one of the girls was interviewed and said something very unusual. Now according to her she feels special to have gotten the necklace. Not only does this make her beautiful but she feels safe as the Moran protects her. Now yours truly was as confused as you are now. While the rest of Kenya is appalled at this practice the lass is over the moon!

I also used to think that those religions and cultural practices where women are supposed to wear amboka and cover themselves completely was oppressive. That was until I met this lady the other day who was telling me how she likes to cover herself up and wishes the rest of the women would do the same. She also expresses her disgust at the women in the music video who dress semi naked gyrating their booty for the entire world to see. She blamed the music producers and musicians for abusing this women and making them dance like that. Eeer… when I look at them video vixens they don’t look oppressed to me. They actually seem to enjoy what they do. Infact some of them go one to make shitloads of money with some even writing memoirs detailing the juicy stories of the video making industries. And here I am this poor old manqué writer who can’t get a book deal to save her life. Lawd! Life is so unfair!!

What about those street kids who refuse to be rehabilitated. They keep on running away from the safe homes where they have been adopted. Or this lady who told me she likes when her man beats her up because it shows that he cares? O.O It is even sad because she provokes her man every once in a while so that he can slap her around to remind her that there is still passion in their relationship. 

photo from Rihannas S&M video

Just when I think I’ve seen the last of crazy people someone just comes and takes it to a new level. How in the-name-of-anything-sacred is FIDA and all the other organization help these kinds of people who enjoy abuse???Now people is it abuse if the victim enjoys it? Should we step it or just let them come back to their senses (if they ever do at all)?

Book review : How to be good

No no no… it’s not me telling you how to be a good person, it’s the title of the book I read while waiting for the elections results in the month of march.We all know the boat already sailed on that one, I can never tell you how to be good!

This book revolves around the character Katie who is a doctor married to David and together they have two children Molly and Tom. Katie has an affair which she blames on the fact that David is angry, cynical and basically hard to live with. David is not only bolshie but even goes to the extent of cussing in front of the children. He also contributes to the local newspaper and his column is aptly called ' the angriest man in Holloway'.

After David finds out about Katie’s affair he moves out. He ends up living with a faith health called DJ Good news. After an encounter with this faith healer, David changes and becomes good. Annoyingly nice... which drives his family insane just as he did when he was an angry man. He gives out the family's money. Gives out the kids toys and computers. Katie comes home to find he has taken in some children from god-knows-where. He tries to get the rest neighbourhood to take in needy kids in their homes. David also quits his job which entailed him bitching about anything and everything. He not only drives his family insane but his friends, family and neighbourhood too.

I loved this book especially because the writer Nick Hornby writes from the point of view of a woman. I swear if I didn’t google him I would have sworn the book was written by a woman. I recommend this book to every married person as the writer has some very important tips for married folks. Get the book and see how this family copes with daddy’s new attitude.

Lies about rape that women are always told

from www.venusbuzz.com 

Last week I had a discussion with my students and I was shocked at the misconceptions they have about rape. They were telling me things like if a woman dresses too sexy she is asking for it. or if you go for rave at night and you get raped its your fault. What even made me want to slit my wrist was when one girl told me her mama always tells her not to go outside usiku because she will get raped. (This is why I think Sex Education should be taught in Schools)

I was watching the movie For colored girls with a male friend and he actually told me that the character played by Anika Noni Rose deserved to be raped because of the way - according to him- she was rubbing up on the man. Themost scary thing is the guy who told me this is well educated and has many sisters and a mama too. Now tell me if this is what he thinks what about the people who actually rape women?. The world really is a scary place. 

Anyhu these two scenarios inspired me to explain away the misconceptions people have about why women get raped. here it goes...

1. Do not go out alone especially at night to avoid rape

Wrong: statics show that over 85% rapes are committed by men known to women. There is no typical rapist and they are from every economic, racial, cultural, social, ethnic etc background. Women get raped in their homes, offices and even on dates with their love interest. Only about 9% of rape is by strangers. It is really sad that women are taught to restrict their movements and freedom just because some jack ass feels the need to abuse women. Be that as it may, you should really be careful about the men around you. I have never been raped but I have been assaulted by a man who was in my circle of friends. The sad part was I was in his house and he even had the balls to ask me why I went to his house if it’s not for sex. It wasn’t even at night for crying our loud. Since then I do not go to my male friend’s houses alone. I can’t even begin to imagine what rape survivors go through every day as they try to get their life back. Yes it is that serious.

2. If you dress skimpily or act a certain way you are asking for it

In the movie “the good wife” a prostitute- turned exotic dancer gets raped and everybody acts like she was asking for it. Women have been led to believe that only certain types of women get raped and if you dress decently you are “safe”.  Women are sometimes blamed for having behaved demurely hence deserved to be raped.

Wrong: Women of all ages (3yrs-90yrs), faith, race, classes, culture etc get raped and it has nothing to do with the way you act or dress, I mean you can’t tell me that when a child is wearing diapers or cucu with her lesso and head scarf was asking for it! There was a story in the media about a physically disabled girl was raped by six boys aged 14-19, and another 9 month old baby who was raped by six men who were between 24 -66 years of age. So how pray tell where these two females asking for it? Seriously? This is the sickest lie I have ever heard in my life! In fact attractiveness has very little significance when it comes to sexual assault as rapist usually choose women who are the most vulnerable not their looks. Some rapists even claim in court that they though they were doing the woman a favour especially if they considers her less attractive or undesirable than other women. (This reminds me of the character Christian in the series Nip/Tuck who had no regard for women)

3. Women secretly want to be F*cked and her no often means yes.

Some men still don’t see what the big fuss is about rape, they see it as just another sexual event. I saw someone write on twitter that rape is just “surprise sex” and eventually the woman will relax and enjoy it. Some men even claim that rape is just “good sex that is done at the wrong place, at the wrong time”. At another time the woman will enjoy it and it’s not that serious.

Wrong: Just as a victim of murder, robbery etc does not enjoy the experience women do not enjoy sexual violence at all. No matter how attractive a man is, it doesn’t mean all women want to get into their pants. Rape is not sex for the woman, it is an act of violence and no woman asks for this. According to the law every woman has the right to say no at any point of sexual contact which is something MOST men do not seem to understand. Ever after you have engaged in heavy petting, the woman does not owe you sex. Even if you have had sex in the past and she doesn’t want to today, you have to respect her decision. If you do not stop when she says no then you are now raping her.

4. If you have a bad reputation, drink, take drugs etc then you deserve to be raped

Wrong: no one deserved to be hurt at any point in their lives no matter what they have done. Just because she agreed to take alcohol or drugs with you doesn’t mean she wants to be raped. It is considered an assault because these substances impair her judgement and are therefore unable to say no. There also a perception that when ladies go to the club they want to be chips-fungwad. Personally when I used to go out with pals back in college I genuinely just wanted to hang out with them. Dance, sing along to our favourite songs then go home. Period! I wasn’t looking for anything else. Men should never use this excuse to rape a woman.

5. If it didn’t hurt or you didn’t fight back it is not rape

The absence of objection or no visible evidence it doesn’t mean there was no rape. One lady was raped and was taken to the hospital and one of the male doctors said that “her injuries were minor” which is a very hurtful thing for a victim to hear. There are even some people who blame the rape survivor if she had resisted later on in the rape rather than earlier.

Wrong: The psychological and emotional torture stays with you. Up to know am very wary around my male friends so I do not want to imagine what rape survivors go through! When women are being raped they don’t enjoy it eventually but they stop fighting to minimize the harm done to them or fear further violence. The only control these women have is to reduce the harm and pain such as virginal tearing and should not be confused with consent.

6. Some men can’t help themselves

Oh ... men who rape are mentally ill... drunk, depressed, stressed or “is not himself”. The most ridiculous excuse is - When a man is sexually aroused he has to have sex and cannot really help himself. You won’t believe the variety of excuses that men have over the years used in court to justify rape. Personally I believe if you are drunk and know how to put the penis inside the vagina then you’re prolly not drunk enough. How can a crazy person know what to do with a vagina or his phallus for that matter? But that’s just my take on it...

Wrong:  People do not accidentally rape, studies show that all sexual assault is premeditated; they want to control and dominate their victim. The rapist has fantasised about if for sometime and was waiting for an opportunity to present itself or they just find ways on how to carry out their plan. There is never an excuse to sexually assault women. Studies show that only less than 5% of convicted rapists were psychotic. More than 80% of the rapist were fully aware and knew what they are doing. Men are not animals and can easily control their urges. I don’t think a man needs to rape a woman to satisfy himself at her expense.

7. Men who rape do not have opportunities to have sex

People assume that all rapist are sexually frustrated men and don’t have anyone to sleep with.

Wrong: Men who are sexually active with their partner are as likely as any other man to rape a woman. I heard of husbands who go on to rape their maids or children even though their wives have sex with them regularly. There are even cases where men rape their wives when they say no due to reasons such as illness, their on their period or after childbirth. Do not assume that just because a men has a sexual partner at home he can’t rape you.

8. You owe him sex

I was shocked when watching some talk show on our local TV station when a man joked that when he spends KES 3000 on dinner on you then you owe him sex. So I guess these days punani goes for 3K. I was even surprised that that station aired that clip and nobody protested. You just have to go to a few clubs here in the country you see just how many creeps think women owe them sex. Like b*tch should have been in love with him like yesterday. I once went out and some dude offered to buy me a drink and I agreed. He leaned over and suggested that I go back to his place. I thanked him and politely declined. Would you believe he took back the soda?  I couldn’t resist laughing. The soda was a down payment for my sugar shack. Ghai! Just when you think you have seen the lowest that some people will go to get booty someone comes and takes you to the basement.

Wrong: As a woman, no mater what the man does for you, you do not owe him sex. No one can a put a value or worth on you as a person. This excuse is usually used by men who are in position of power, authority and have financial clout and can get away with rape. Never allow yourself to feel like that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect and that you always have to pay back with sex. If you have to pay back in sexual favours for any good gesture that you get then maybe you are better of without any help.

Do not believe any of these lies. No one deserves to be violated and you have to absolutely tell someone when you get raped so that it doesn’t happen again to you or anyone else. And for men next time a woman says no, just walk away. Treat every woman you meet with respect just like you’d like your female family members/friends to be treated.

Of course Politicians are gonna lie...duh!

How many times have you gone for a job interview and look at your potential employer dead-straight between the eyes and lied. Talking about how you are a team player when you know deep town that those team building seminars stir some misanthrope feelings in you. Or how you are self-motivated and can work well under no supervision and now when the boss is not around you are busy on solitaire all day.

Now why are some people getting their knickers in a wad when our politicians promise us heaven? I mean how else would you want them to win over their opponents voters? Durn right their gonna lie through their teeth because campaigning for the presidential seat is like being on a job interview. It's about putting your best foot forward(lying is such a dirty word.lol), peppering your speech with some half truths or white lies. So please stop whingeing and go vote come Monday. I know I will! Kenya is marwa.

dang! I should have been stronger

When you are young, the first friends you make are usually your siblings and cousins. You spend so much time together that you know what they are like and of course how to press their buttons. Then you grow up go to different schools, get different friends and somehow you get disconnected. My sister @fuegocassey came home a few days ago during the school holidays and I was shocked at how different we have become.

For instance while I like showering later on in the day after mabati imekuwa moto, she likes to bathe first thing when she wakes up. And she wakes up EARLY! I now have to contend with squelching slippers reveille as she prances around the house gathering her bits and bobs to take to the shower. While I bathe with any soap as long as it lathers, @fuegocassey cannot dare bring any soap near her face. (No wonder my face feels like pizza toppings) She has THREE tiny towels; one for the face, another for the body and feet. She finds it appalling how a woman can take a face towel and scrub her a** then bring it to her face again. Yep! She a girly gal. She bought me some shower gel and was shocked to find that it is still new. I find the smell too strong and the sunlight soap serves me well. If it is good enough to wash my hanky then darn it, it can wash my a**. 

She love make up and whenever she is in the house it smells like potpourri. She believes that a lady should smell nice. I on the other hand have on occasion gone out without deo nshit and the results were...how do i put it...disastrous! While she gets a hernia if she leaves the house without looking really nice, I can leave the house without applying anything on my face and not feel like the sky will fall. I love comfortable and practical shoes but no... babygal has to wear the fuck-me-pumps. 

Isn't she adorable?

I’m not tech savvy. I can’t even update the virus thingy on the house computer which infuriates her.I can't even use the new touch screen phones that they have thanks to my fingers which are as fat as sausages! She types very fast while I type painfully slow unless of course you want me to type "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".

While I like my bed black and free of pillows, she comes into the house and the bed looks like those beds I see in home improvement brochures. Don’t get me started on the huge stuffed animals; she even had nimo and crazy frog O.O!

She is constantly hanging around kids and knows every cartoon programs there is and oh she loves animations too and I’m not as crazy about them. She watches weird movies like Borat, The dictator, project X, Hangover, Dumb and Dumber, Vampire Suck, Scary movie among others which personally I find disturbing. While I love Kerry Washington, Fuegocassey thinks she "over acts". Now people tell me you don't love how she be loving on the president in the T.V. series Scandal, Or seduced whatshisface in I think I love my wife, or get the accent right in The last king of Scotland and how she faints dramatically in Django. These young people don't know good acting even when its staring back at them in the face.

I also don’t like how she uses my little cousins as mannequins. My uncle is always worried whenever they go to the salon together as her and baby Blessing try to find and re-invent themselves( btw Blessing is only 2 1/2 years old) I have seen the baby in scary yellow and purple braids. I didn't even know they made those!

She can’t stand loud rock music and thinks my music taste is shite. Good thing we can agree on reggae music! For now...

She has this congenial inability to suffer fools. She has no time for my tautology delivered with the speed of an auctioneer repeated ad nauseum. She keeps it short and simple. I avoid asking for her opinion because she shoots straight from the hip. Catching feelings is for the birds, she says. And she never knows the I-will-talk-to-you-later like other women or have a ventriloquist voice like mine. She voices her opinion there and then and more often than not speaks out of turn. If we are together and we meet a friend on the street and I start lying she will be like,” er that’s not what you told me earlier”. Then I have to choke on humble pie as I try to wiggle out of the situations she has put me in.smh! This one time we and in Kangemi and I tell some vendor to put for me some nyanya kwa jwala. She leans real close and tells me- we don’t call then jwala here! And here I am thinking the word jwala is universal (how do you spell villagitis?)

Fuego has this habit of drinking juice all day which she affectionately calls “her drink”. She leaves the glasses all over the house after every “drink”. This also means she takes more bio breaks and uses up all the water in the house. I have the water guy’s number on speed dial for anytime she comes to stay over. Its bad enough she uses all the water to shower without finishing up all the water in the rest of the house.

While my brother and I take three square meals a day, she eats small portions throughout the day which of course means more dirty plates. If she doesn’t get her elevenses somebody is - gonna get a hurt real bad *Russell Peters voice*. She is also very particular how she cooks her food. While I boil the vegetables to death, she likes hers steamed and crunchy. She likes it to maintain colour and all the iron, vitamin K and I don’t-know-what . Me thinks fibre is good for digestion, who cares about the rest! You also don’t serve her food all willy nilly like they do for that dude in the movie XIII. Presentation is very important to her. You don’t just waltz from the kitchen and throw the food on the table kaka jakwath miyo dhok chiemo, you gotta have some grace to go with it. Her motto is that – if it don’t look good, it prolly doesn’t taste great either. The Ugali has to be on one side, mboga kando then nyama kando. She hates when her ugali gets all soggy like babies food. The fact that she is a nutritionist makes it even worse. She doesn’t approve of my brother and I eating ugali from Monday to Monday, she whips out words like “diversify your eating habits”. Me thinks ugali, mboga and nyama is diverse enough.

While she likes going out and having fun. I’d rather stay at home and watch movies. (This one time mama found her on top of a kipikipi ( motor bike for some of you) giving the boda boda guy a ride- WITHOUT A HELMET!!!!. How she learnt how to ride a motorbike is still a mystery. Mama almost had a heart attack when she saw the speed at which she was going. While I'm content with flirting with death once in a while, she actually seduces death) The only time I go out is if the party is at a friend’s house because if I get tired I just turn in the guest room. While fuegocassey is carefree, I’m very OCD about certain things. For example when she leaves cups all over the house after she has had her “drink”, I go into spasm of anger seeing them .

After many days of me chastising her I noticed she started being confused. After every drink she had problems trying to remember to keep the glass in the kitchen. I then realised how living with me and my OCD behaviour was beginning to be unbearable. She has for along time bore brunt of my angry outbursts. Her many attempt to encourage me and look at the positive side of life has been met with “mimi nakushow tuu reality”( Btw that’s the shite pessimists say to suck the life out of happy people) Just because your reality sucks, don’t mean you have to ruin it for others whose lives are awesome.

Instead of me taking caring care of her as a first born, the roles have been reversed and she is taking care of me. She has been paying bus fare, buying food, bringing me movies and even taking me out to eat. And all this time I’m bitching how my life sucks. (Like the song “because of you’ by Kelly Clarkson, I never thought of anyone else I only saw my pain. And being older I should have known better than to lean on her when she is so young)

I wasn’t even careful enough to protect her from stuff I was going through last year. She has now started worrying about things she shouldn’t even have to worry about at a young age. Instead of looking forward to her graduation, she is worried about how she will get a job; and preferably not end up like me. She thought I would end up doing something with my life and not a whingeing fool staying up all night and sleeping all day. Sprawled on the couch b*tching about how the government hasn't provided the youth with jobs. Like I expect Mr.Kibaki to knock on my door and hand me a job contract.smh!

When I noticed it; it cut me kabisa. I have ruined her innocence and zest for life. I now see how anxious she is and it’s all because I didn’t have the wisdom to do better.I now realise that I should have been stronger. I should have at least pretended to be coping well. Just because my life sucks don’t mean hers will too when she gets to be my age. We are too different people with different abilities. I have tried to make amends but it doesn’t really mean much because I don’t exactly walk the talk. I’m currently reading John Gray’s book Children are from heaven to learn how to be a good big sister. I would really recommend this because as it has some really good insights on parenting. The book says children learn from role models not by lectures. And yours truly has had to learn that the hard way.

They say don’t worry that kids don’t listen to you, worry that they watch you. If she has been watching me then ...Houston, we have a problem...Sigh! But thank God she has more sense; I bet she will do just fine. And from now on-wards, I will be stronger and I just hope it’s not too late.

This post reminds me of this song by Amy Winehouse about a lady dating a b*tch ass ninja who instead of taking care of her lady it was the other way round...enjoy!!! And whatever is going on in your life, try to be strong- if not for you then for your family and those who look up to you!