How not to say sorry

Apart from God there is no one who is infallible. We all make mistakes at some point since we are not perfect which part of being human is. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake- but there is something wrong about not admitting it. Saying sorry usually doesn’t change what had been done or said. It doesn’t even take away the pain and hurt that someone has inflicted on you.

Sorry is just an acknowledgement that the wrong doer admits and accepts what has happened was wrong and sometimes that makes all the difference to the person who has been wronged. It lifts a burden off the person who has been wronged and allows them to move forward without feeling that what happened was somehow their fault or they deserve to be hurt.

In the movie Diary of a mad black woman the character (played by Kimberly Elise) who confronts her estranged husband reminds him of all the mean stuff he did to her during their horrible marriage. At the end of the tirade she says, “You never even said you are sorry”. Sorry means a lot especially to women. Most of the time a woman will forgive almost everything but if you don’t say the word sorry then its game over.

Sorry is one of the hardest words to say but one of the most important words you will ever say in your life. Sorry is not weakness, it shows one has strength and maturity. Sorry can fix what you never even thought could be fixed. Sorry can bring together people who have been estranged for years. Sorry can heal and restore families and all relationships in one’s life. Sorry is one of the ingredients which I believe could heal our nation from all the injustices it has experienced from others like during the PEV in 2008. It is a simple word which personally I think it is grossly underrated in the world today.

The only way children can learn to say sorry is not if their parents teach them but if they show them. There is nothing as powerful as apologizing to your children when you wrong them. In the TV series Homeland SN1 there is an episode where a father forgets to attend his son’s karate classes. Before he goes to sleep he kneels beside his bed and apologizes, oh you should have seen me choking up. It’s such a nice gesture especially for men since it is usually not considered manly to say sorry.

When children see their parents apologizing on a regular basis, they gradually learn to be accountable for their own mistakes. Instead of teaching children to apologize, parents demonstrate. Children learn from role models not by lectures.

-John Gray in the book Children are from heaven

When you apologize just say sorry and walk away. Any thing that you add might dilute and cancel out the power of sorry and even make matters worse. There are many ways to not say a genuine sorry and they include making excuses like those in the ‘sorry stories’ told by the characters in the movie for coloured girls:-

1. Baby I don’t know how she got your number, I’m sorry.

2. Baby you know I was high, I’m sorry

3. I’m only human our inadequacies are what makes us human, If we were perfect we would have nothing to strive for, so you might as well go and forgive me, I’m sorry.

4. I do you, like I do you, because I know you can take it. I’m sorry.

5. Now you know I love you, but I ain’t gonna love you the way you want me to love you, I’m sorry.

6. Shut up bitch! Told you I was sorry.

The excuses given by unapologetic wrong doers range from the idiotic ones like no.1 to the pseudo philosophical bullshit like no.3. This reminds me of the time I did some work for this ninja a few months ago and he refused to pay up. It started with him paying me on Wednesday, then it went to Saturday then it went to Wednesday again until I lost count. When I confronted him, he started telling me some bs about him always wanting to wait for all his debts to reach a “certain threshold” before he can pay up and I almost threw up at the back of my mouth. That’s when it hit me ninja has no money! Just when I think I have seen the last of human stupidity someone comes along and takes it to a whole new level. All he had to say was something like “sorry I don’t have any money right now but as soon as I get some, I will definitely send it to you and sorry for the inconvenience”. But that would have been too much to ask of him, I guess!

The other thing people do to show they are not sorry that gets my goats is blaming you. This broke ass ninja who had my chums had the gull to tell me that I did not remind him often enough. He blamed it on having a poor memory- how convenient! So I guess when you borrow a loan from the bank they should remind you huh? So when people are employed they should go to the Hr and remind them end month is approaching huh? Cheiii!

Don’t get me started on when they become aggressive and violent like in excuse no.6. so that they disarm you to not demand an apology. One of my married friends has a philandering husband whenever she asks him to stop; she gets beaten to a pulp. My debtor also threatened me with karma and I was like what! are you like five? Maybe you should ask karma to help you pay up while you are at it sweetie!

Wait it gets even juicier when wrong doers hide behind religion. Another ninja who owes me money and when I confront him he invokes the name of God. He always keeps reminding me that he is a Christian. It is so beautiful I wish I could record this bs and upload the link on my blog.  If you have to keep reminding people you are Christian then you probably aren’t. Maybe you are just trying to convince yourself.

(This is the reason why pastors like what’s-his-face gets away with deceiving his congregation he could heal sickness but instead pays prostitutes to pretend to be sick and healed. Some people relax when someone says they are Christian, they have fear of questions concerning religion. To yours truly unless you have a halo on your head or show me a burning bush it don’t mean sh*t until I see if you walk the talk. You can talk all day till the cows come home but if your behaviour doesn’t tally, it don’t mean jack) Nowadays he plays hide-and-seek with me and he always win coz he is playing alone.

Don’t remind me of the its-never-my-fault guys like in no 1 & 2. It’s always alcohol, the traffic, the rain, the dog-ate-my-homework blah blah blah. It is always one thing or another which makes them hurt you. Personally I think they should be man enough to overcome this obstacles and show up for you if they cared enough.

The most hilarious one is the crying and melodramatic stunts. 

 A dude who is my friend was caught cheating last week and he started crying, gawd it was beautiful. He was like on one knee, drooling and weeping and hyperventilating nsh*t.  Ghai! If you thought chiqs are ugly when they cry, you should have seen this guy act! He should have gotten a standing ovation. Wipe that. He should have gotten the twenty-one-gun salute, fireworks display, full fanfare complete with a celestial choir to celebrate. My pal almost forgave him on the spot!

When all fails, some remind the person they have wronged of a mistake they did in 19-sikumbuki. This is mostly used by women because they have like a vault of memories in their heads that is never erased. They always remember what you said verbatim and they are good with dates too. I met an old high school mate and she reminded me of how I wronged her in 1999- I almost chocked on my food. That’s 10 years plus!

The worst thing is when someone who has been caught pants down starts denying everything. I guess denial ain’t just another river in Egypt huh? A few years back some two guys hit each other in their cars in a traffic jam. Luckily the police was in the vicinity to intervene. It was discovered that Lets call him *Jim was wrong. The other person agreed to let it go if only Jim said sorry. Can you believe ninja felt he was too grown and G to say sorry. The police tried to get him to apologizes but alas. Now he paid for all the damages over the simple word “sorry”.

There are those people whose way of saying sorry is doing something nice back to you. Ain’t nothing worse than someone thinking they can buy back your affections. They will make you promises to make you forget how bad you felt when they wronged you. It is even more annoying when, after the dust has settled they do not even bother to deliver on their promise. Or they choose to flatter you or say something condescending like in no.4 which is even more annoying than the offense.

Other proud people will stay away from you and wait for you to cool down. This one usually irks me because when they give me time, my anger actually escalates such that by the time they come back I’m fresh out of second chances.

Now the other annoying people are those who say sorry but invariably repeat the same mistake over and over ad nauseum. They say too many sorry to appoint that you say what the character said in the aforementioned movie “I can’t use another sorry”. Sorry is only meaningful if you do not repeat the mistake again!

Next time you say sorry mean it and do not repeat the same mistake again.

Have a nice day!

Ta ta

Say what!!!!

I have noticed this peculiar habit in this beloved city of ours. When you go to peoples homes they offer you a drink. As in anything you want, they got it all in their liquor cabinets. It’s like every month their shopping budget includes all types of alcoholic drinks to entertain their guests. Back in my village I’m used to being offered chai or kawaida stodgy food but liquor... well that’s new for me. And this alcohol you are supposed to take while you wait for lunch which most of the time will be ready at 5 pm jioni!!!

Note to self- next time you are invited for lunch in Nairobi eat at home first!

So yesterday I go to this lady’s place and she sweetly tells me to go take some ice in the fridge. I thought she wanted me to lick some ice (weird) or something but it turns out she wanted me to drink some black ice. I tell her am a teetotaler and her jaw drops.

“ghai! Since when? Wewe ni mjaluo kweli?”

She talked as if being a teetotaller is some kind of disease. The other guests in the house also got in the conversation to give their two cents. For some reason, they all seem to believe that all luo women love alcohol with one even quoting a line in the song by rapper Big Pin “mamanzi wa kisumu wanapenda beer” (I don’t even come from Kisumu.smh).  Clearly the person who was collecting data did not come to Kanyamkago village to ask for my opinion. The last time I tried alcohol I ended up turning into a blithering bubbling fool half singing, and half rapping gospel songs...

Am gonna lay down my burdens, down by the river side...

My cousin reckons that being pickled makes me feel closer to God. I’m pretty sure this statement is right up there with blasphemy. So now my being unable to hold my drink disqualifies me from being a true Luo woman O.O? Its stereotypes and profiling of people from other tribes in Kenya like this that makes my hackles rise. Since I’m a self appointed spokes person I have made it my duty to squelch all these rumours about “my people”. My new life mission is to track down these people peddling rumours and beat the lumps out of them. That is after they take me to the shop where they got the marbles to come up with these stories that have me erupting into spasm of fury (don’t ask me what that means, moving on)

The next misconception which I learned jana is that Luo women have good taste in clothes and love their make up. Ok, most do but not all. Thou cloth doth not maketh a man, I say! Actually, yours truly dresses to cover nakedness and comfort; fashion is not of the essence. The closest I have come to makeup is my lip gloss which I only use when leaving the house. The lady who does my hair always tries to make me use make up but alas! I tried mascara as a teenager and it ended up with me looking like singer Prince. Due to wearing glasses for over 10 years my eyes water easily. I will be walking in town and I feel my cheeks wet only to realise my eyes are tearing. I can’t tell you how many times people ask me if am ok when they see my eyes getting misty. Besides I don’t like how the mascara makes my lashes sticky and gooey. Since I bite my nails, lipstick and nail polish is out of question as I will ingest it as I indulge in this nasty habit.

Wait it doesn’t end there. I think you better sit down for this one. It’s big.

Ati Luo women are sexually liberated (read good in the boudoir). This bunkum really burns my biscuit. Thank you very much you beautiful Luo woman with a gorgeous lithe body who gave some ninja a night of his life. Now because of you the bar has been set way too high for the rest of us challenged women. Some men now expect me to go to town when we you-know-what. Somehow you have managed to convince men with your sultry moves that all Luo women know how to deliver the goods and now the pressure and expectations is driving me insane. I mean, it’s not like we were having a hard time working on our self esteems before you decided to move the bar again...nkt!

My friends tell me that my bedroom skills are wanting. Now we were having a referendum about my challenged boudoir skills. Can you believe these people? I really need to find me some new friends for reals! I hope it was the alcohol talking, I really do. Apparently it is evident from the way I walk...really??? There is even a walk? These people are killing me here! I have a mind to cut the sole of one of my shoe heels like Marilyn Monroe is rumoured to have done, so that when I walk my yansh can sway seductively and maybe then I can finally get a man and give my mama some granbabies. sigh!

I always assumed as long as you lie there like a star fish and take it like a woman you are good to go. But nooo... my bff insists that doing shaboingboing is like riding a bicycle upside down. I do not know how to ride a bike (long story-don’t ask) hence I could not get the concept using this analogy. My other male pal tells me that it’s a bit like eating at a fancy five star restaurant; you go from outside and work your way in. Again I have never gone to such restaurants; of course he lost me at five star restaurants. So you know at this point am getting frustrated with the responses and advice I’m getting. And I’m not any closer to getting any one who will say what I want to hear. I have a feeling these men swallowed a dictionary and the gutter. Men can say the most disgusting things using such beautiful vocabulary that you wouldn’t know you were insulted until a few days later. smart a**!

The man who lives upstairs (no not Jesus, upstairs, as in our building), claims that he wanted to have a dalliance with me but realised that I never know the “moment” comes. He claims that he has tried throwing hints but I haven’t caught any. Lawd! Somebody slap me upside the head for being such an a**. It seems this moment is so transient that the window closes faster than my slow mind can decipher when it appears. How can I do ‘it’ right, when I don’t even know when to do ‘it’? It’s like chopping for exams and you don’t know the date of the exam!

See the problem is that there is no universal sign that can help me know when the “moment” is right. It is very important to get the “moment” right because if you misinterpret any gesture it can end up with the dude being weird around you like you are some nympho or something. Besides our upbringing and society tells women that they should not be prurient. It would explain why am not au fait with the sexual parlance of this here parts.

One dude told me I should have known it was time when he blinked at me. Well we had not discussed our Morse code for I-want-to-have-empty-and-unattached-sex-with-you earlier. Forgive me for asking if there was something wrong with his eyes. Some other dude told me that when he tickled me I should have gotten the picture. So now when anyone tickles me (including my family members) I should get out my paper spray, mace the SOB or run for the hills.

Gawd! Can Cosmo or the sex gods come with a universal code for the “moment” already to save me from these embarrassing moments because at this rate it just going to be me and my hand for the rest of my life. You all know how I hate taking matters into my own hands *if you know what I mean* Alcohol tastes like feet, fashion ain’t really my thing, make-up ...belgh! but my poor boudoir skills well that’s a no no... The insinuation cut me...it cut me real deep. Whatever happened to people being equal? Sigh! No wonder I never get the proverbial morning after call. All this time I was thinking men are threatened by my success (ok more like potential, you know since am in between jobs- jobless is such a dirty word) and am too good for them or they don’t know how to handle a strong woman since they are emotionally crippled (yes, this how I sleep at night in my cold bed and I know what you are thinking- hello therapy!!!! But its not like that).

If anybody needs me I will be in the village limbering up 

and getting my Kegel exercises on, 

I will be dammed if I miss another “moment” again. Carpe diem jaber! I’m very sanguine about this journey that I have embarked on. Yes, Vicky is getting her groove back! Vicky is going to blossom and open up like a lotus flower. I will embark on this bisypean task of harnessing all this latent sexual energy and channel it through ways which are not of your business. You just wait you beautiful Luo women, I’m gonna put y’all to shame one of these fine days! Take this as a challenge! There’s a new foxy lady in town ready to liberate her hoohah! I will revamp and upgrade my prosaic boudoir skills. Then it will be game over for y’all. Talking about nyef, nyef, nyef... cheiiii!

Ps- Just so you know, I may not be good at you-know-what but I sure am fast which is more that I can say for y’all. How you like them apples ladies!!!

Is he wearing a skirt?

Having a baby should be the happiest moment in any mother’s life. Unfortunately this is not always the case for all births. Sometimes due to some genetical anomaly or negligent medical care you end up with a child with special needs. This of course means that as a parent you will have to make changes in your life to accommodate their special needs. This will not only affect the child and mother but the rest of the family as well in more ways than one. In some cases the family will have to go through counseling in order to cope. It is especially hard on the family when other people around them are not as supportive as they need them to be. You have some people even accuse the parents of doing something wrong to deserve a special child. I have been watching the TV series Touch and there is this part where the character (played by actor Kiefer Sutherland, you will remember him from 24) is out with his special child and someone tells him that he should put his child in a cage because he doesn’t behave like other normal children do and they end up fighting.

You also have to be more patient as these special children won’t be able to meet all the developmental milestone on time with some needing assistance for the rest of their lives. There is nothing as painful as having a child who won’t look you in the eye when you are speaking with them or say “I love you” back. They do not even have social skills and cannot relate to other people as normal people do. But the best thing parents can do is just take it one day at a time and slowly learn how to cope. I must also appreciate teachers who handle the kids with special needs for the work they do. I have taught able bodied kids and gotten really frustrated so I don’t want to imagine what these special teachers go through. I remember one teacher telling me how in her class a student one day just stood up and walked to the front of the class and went for number two then went back to her seat like nothing just happened. It was her first time and she almost gave up. But with counseling and patience she has learnt to cope.

Before I learnt about my kid sister’s special needs I used to be very ignorant of just how hard it is for these people to live their lives. The things I take for granted like getting dressed up in the morning take some of them ages to do. The society we lived in previously never had systems in place to take care of people with special needs. I remembered one time when my sister almost got expelled from one of the Kenyan schools because they just didn’t know how to cope with her special needs.

For years people with special needs in the past were not cared for as there were considered a bad omen. Some are placed on the streets to beg and work jobs which no one else will do for low pay. Many parents even used to hide their special children in the house due to shame and fear of judgement. I once went to this woman’s house and the child was too pale as she had never been let out to get some sun which is very essential for to bones. By taking these kids to school and joining support groups you get to learn so much about the condition. This helps you to cope better with the condition and get support from other parents with special children. The child will also get to learn skills such as playing with other children and feeding themselves.

One woman in our hood confessed to me how when she finally agreed to take her special daughter to school she was impressed at how much she improved. I also learn that the teenage girls with special needs usually get injections to stop menstruation and contraceptives. Although I saw a feature on Citizen TV and it turns out some doctors have taken the liberty of giving ladies with special needs Tubal ligation surgeries without their consent. I’m not really sure how parents with daughters who have special needs can approach this subject of contraception. You can’t really ask the children because some of them do not know the gravity of the responsibility that comes with being sexually active. Sometimes as a parent you cannot really protect them 100% especially since there are so many “predators” out there with some of them living among us.  There’s this one lady I used to know who had a mentally challenged child who got pregnant and could not express herself. Up to now nobody knows who could have done such a thing. In my village there used to be this mentally challenged woman who used to get pregnant every year. This is a new for low, raping a handicapped woman (or any other woman for that matter) is just wrong. Now I don’t know how parents are supposed to approach this because these special children are very vulnerable to abuse as they cant talk or defend themselves. I don’t blame the parents for trying to protect them, maybe the relevant authorities can tell us when being a caring parent crosses the line to abusing of rights.

Right now I’m happy that this is slowly changing as whenever I go to offices in town I meet at least one or two people with special needs. Some buildings in town including the city council toilets have amenities that are user friendly especially for people with special needs. When I apply for jobs I see some recruiters calling on people with disabilities to apply too. On K24 a few days they had a feature on a hospital in some town in Kenya where the entire staff learned sign language to communicate with patients who are deaf. It really touched me that they took time to do it. In future I hope I will manage to get time to learn sign language too.

Celebrities in Kenya have also taken up to speaking out and supporting awareness causes that cater for these special people. You all remember daddy Owen’s Mbona song and Nonini’s video encouraging people to respect people with Albinism. Daddy Owen even went to the extent of talking about the problem he has had with his eyes which I think was very brave. Talk about talking the talk and walking the walk!

I had a talk with fuegocassey and she was telling me how there is a condition whereby people with epilepsy are sensitive to flashing lights, rapidly moving pictures etc as it triggers seizures. She was concerned that many institutions don’t know this and you find some lecturers giving presentations using projectors showing rapidly moving pictures. I have never heard of such a condition and I thought she was yanking my chain until I read an issue on the same in the Saturday magazine where a young man wrote to ask for information on this condition.

He narrated how it affected his life as he cant do simple things such as; go to the movies or watch any fast and furious clips on telly or online, going to the club with his boys is out of question because of the flickering lights, he cant drive especially at night and he has to go every where with his mother. His parents are too afraid to let him move out. The strange thing is that there are programs with flashing lights on our local tv stations and I’ve never seen them warn about the effect on those who are epileptic like the video below does and many other digital TV providers. Some stations even play this song and omit the disclaimer. I just worry how many epileptic people get seizures in Kenya every time they watch it and no one cares.

I leave you with this video. But pray, tell is Kanye wearing a leather kilt (skirt is such a bad word)

 Is he also wearing a kilt? Can someone please tell me whats going on here! Ok when did this become a fashion statement??? ghai!

...and oliech too....nooooooo....

whats going on here???? gawd!

The awesome Joss Stone

The first time I 'met' this girl was when I heard her song at a friends place and I fell in love.

I always have this game whereby when I hear a song for the very first time I try to imagine what the singer looks like. I actually thought that Joss was like an old big lady and was pleasantly surprised to find that she is a petite girl with a very big voice. Born Jocelyn Eve Stoker, Joss changed her name to protect her family from the media. She has been compared to Aretha Frankline, Janis Joplin and Dusty Springfield with her throaty vocal style. Every time I hear her songs I get multiple eargasms and goosies (goose bumps for some of you) all over my body.

All of her songs are awesome and she never disappoints. My favourite songs include Dirty man, You had me, Understand, Cry baby cry which she did with Santana and Sean Paul, Bruised but not broken and the song above put your hands on me which always gets me dancing all day. I love how she lives it all on stage when she performs. It is not just another musician working but I can tell she really loves singing. How she removes her shoes and jumps all over the stage bare foot (or on rims- like my friend likes to call it)makes me wanna dance till my clothes falls king David style.

Check out her website too jossstone.com and be edified!

tat ta lovely people. Enjoy the weekend and don't do what I wouldn't do. But if you do, name it after me will yah! *wink*

The narcissistic mothers and their daughters

Most of the time when women come undone people assume that its daddy issues. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the dad and all to do with the mother. There are mothers who are controlling because they have narcissistic personality. They lack the fundamentals of mothering e.g. unconditional love, sensitivity and empathy and security. An example is the character in the Tv series Single ladies whose mother wants her to marry a philandering man because he comes from a good family. 

Their daughters are normally conditioned to care for these mothers rather than the reverse. These mothers see their daughters as competition which explains why they rarely attack their male children. Although there are some few males who have controlling mothers like the character Charlie’s mother in “two and a half men” and that rapper who always says unsavory things about his mother in his songs. For others it is their father who is narcissistic like that character in ‘The mentalist’ whose name I can't remember now and the bad boy in the Tv series "Friday night lights". Anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissistic person will tell you how hard it is to break free. These mothers consistently undermine your person-hood. Although every human being needs a reasonable amount of attention to survive both physically and psychologically, these mothers want to have it all even if it means depriving their children of certain privileges.

Narcissistic mothers are predatory; they will torture their children for sheer entertainment. Like that woman who on the internet uploaded a clip of her two young children beating the hell out of each other. They rarely get caught by other people because they have mastered the art of predation. Personnel in the child services can usually tell a child is being emotionally abused but are hard pressed to prove it. They always pounce on their children when no one who may hold them account or stop them is around to witness the abuse. NM pushes buttons you didn’t even know you had. This also made worse by how the society worships mothers and assumes that when a mother gives birth the maternal instincts automatically kicks in. Unfortunately in some mothers it doesn’t and they spend the rest of their lives sucking the life out of their child’s life and in most cases get away with it.

NM always single out the most sensitive child as a target. They can smell vulnerability with nearly unfailing accuracy. They never apologize for continuously abusing you. These mothers never apologize even after they have reduced you verbally or physically to tears or coerced you into their version of reality. In fact they later break down to what one blogger described as non-apology and sweetly said words of non-love e.g.

I’m sorry but I had to do that to you

I’m hard on you because I care so much about you

I’m strict because I want you to be better than me

Look what you made me do

All these words keep you coming back for more abuse. If you do something commendable they withhold praise from you. For example if you get all A’s in your report card she tell you “Oh, that’s nice honey…” making you feel like it is not good enough. Or she will tell you of her accomplishments to up you and brag on herself. No matter how hard you try the response is always the same. They are sadistic and therefore don’t see the need to recognize your accomplishments.

These behaviors are hard to deal with because in every mother-daughter relationship, they manifest different. The need to have it all is what they all have in common but they manifest differently especially since every child also has a different Achilles heel for them to attack. Even though they don’t necessarily lay a hand on you they always manage to bring you pain. Emotional abuse is usually the worst as it is very hard to not only prove but also explain. Even advocates for abused children can tell they are abused but they are at a loss when it comes to explaining it in court and most of the time abusive mothers get away with it.

Narcissistic mothers want to humiliate shame and confuse you. She will tell you things like

“You will never amount to anything”

“You will never make it in life”

“I wish I never gave birth to you”

“You were the worst mistake I ever made in my life”

“I should have had an abortion when I had the chance”

NM are sadistic in that they enjoys hurting you and wants you to know that they do. They lack empathy. The abuse is not involuntary or reflexive. It is carefully staged, planned, deliberate, premeditated cruelty and they know what they are doing. This deliberate sadism is deeply enjoyed by these sadistic mothers. They do not acknowledge your feelings. For example the mother can beat you then ask you to stop crying yet you are hurting.

The many faces of narcissism include being psychosomatic, ignoring, belittling and shaming.  The abuse can be overt one where they physically abuse you which is easy to deal with as you have the outward marks to bear witness. I have a friend who is employed in her mid 20’s living at home and her parents still beat her when she disagrees with them. She told me if she buys something she hides them under her bed because her parents monitor everything. She tells me she plans on moving out secretly because her mother won’t let her. I asked her to come for a sleep over and she refused, I even offered to ask her mother directly but she was too scared.

The most dangerous mothers are those who are not overtly narcissistic and are able to hide their malicious predation. In fact people around her praise her for her “goodness” and they castigate you whenever you try to stand up for yourself. She is so clever that she has managed to get everyone on her side to help make your life miserable. You can’t prove to other people how they abuse you as it is mostly emotional abuse. Narcissistic mothers adapt to their environment and change their tactics as the situation demands which makes it hard to pin point the exact problems.

Most of the time the only way to know that your mother is narcissistic is how she makes you feel. Usually it’s very hard for daughters with narcissistic mothers to find “proof” to issue a final “verdict” on them. Hence the reason why they stay trapped in such relationship. It’s the same with people with narcissistic partners. Ever seen two people who look good together date for long then out of the blue they break up over something as simple as he forgot her birthday? Well it’s because the woman or man has been looking for a way out and this small incident provides it.

People on the on the outside are usually oblivious of what is happening to the child. Therefore you can only accurately measure the toxicity of their behavior by the effects on your own soul. If she paralyses you that sometimes you feel like running away or killing yourself then it’s really bad for you. If ever conversation with her leaves you either guilty or angry then it is also a sign of a toxic relationship. If you even wish she were dead then it’s a very serious problem. I remember one daughter saying that when her mother died was the first time she felt really free.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers mostly end up either as high-achievers to please their mothers or perform poorly (self-sabotagers) because they give up on ever being good enough for their mother. No matter which form the daughter takes they still have feelings of inadequacies.

To be free, you really need to give your self permission to give your “verdict” against your mother based on the evidence it has on your heart, mind and soul. Don’t wait for it to reach a certain level of hard abuse, leave before it gets out of hand. Accept what your mother for what she is and what she isn’t and stop expecting to much. (You have all seen stories where children kill their mothers after the abuse has made their minds unstable). It’s the only way you will start the process of healing.

Another blogger said she tried to break free from her narcissistic mother through talking it out but it felt like telling her mother to look at the rainbow and she is colour blind. It never works because they have years and years of practice manipulating people around them. The sure fire way of dealing with narcissistic mothers is no contact at all, they are way to far gone to change. They gate a pay off from your pain. It is too much fun!

Ps- I am no psychologist so maybe you need to see a counselor for real truths on how to deal with a narcissistic mother. For useful information on how to cope you can also buy the book  

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  By Dr Karyl McBride. 

 She is a trained marriage counselor and therapist, and also a daughter of a narcissistic mother. She has studied the mother-daughter dynamic for twenty plus years and written extensively about this subject in her book. She gives examples from clients who she has counselled over the years. Many women have really benefited from this book especially since it has been written by someone who has gone through it. She also gives step-by-step advice on how to deal with these situations and leave a joyfully fulfilling life.