Do you boo!

This is going to be a long post. So if you need to go susu or drink water or gossip with the neighbor or whatever… go do that first then come back. Because I want your undivided attention, because I’m needy like that. Sue me.

I never really make New Year’s resolutions because most of the time I won’t actually do them. And if I do I will do just enough to tick it off the list to make myself feel better. Plus it’s too much pressure. So why bother? There was this time when Amani was being interviewed and she said that she makes resolutions on her birthday. This way they are more personal. Which is pretty cool if you ask me.

This year I did something that I swore I would never do. So because everybody was making these elaborate New Year plans, I got sucked into the bandwagon and I caved. I decided that I was gonna eat healthy this year. I mean I’m not growing any younger and sooner or later my metabolism won’t be as cooperative as it is right now. Normally we are advised to consult a nutritionist before embarking on the journey to healthy eating but yours truly didn’t do that. Because why? Because nobody *clap* tells*clap* me*clap* what*clap* to*clap* do.

What did I do? I’m glad you asked. I was drinking more water, avoiding soda and all junk food. Basically doing stuff I’ve heard fitness/health gurus harp on about in the interwebs. Being the good sport that I am, I threw in some fruits too. Everybody knows when you wanna be healthy, fruits are the bidness. 

My skin actually improved which gave me the motivation to continue. You should have seen me running in the field with the students. I was on a roll baby!!! I was actually getting fitter (can I say that?) than I’ve ever been in years. Or so I thought!

Fast forward to a few months later. I wake up one morning feeling feverish. Like I had been hit na gari ya Miraa. Everything hurt. My head, shoulders, knees, duodenum and toes. I assumed it was malaria because I live in Homa Bay County and it’s the common disease here. By ten I was now shaking and feeling nauseous... one of my colleagues called a boda boda (chauffeur from some of you) to take me home after the school nurse had given me some drugs. I took the drugs then went to bed .Aint nothing like a good nap to cure an ailing body , right?

Wrong! At 7pm I wake up and I think I’m dying and I call my pal to take me to the hospital. I wouldn’t want to die in the house only for the neighbour's cat to feed on me before I’m discovered days later. It can happen man, I saw it in a horror movie once. lol.

We get to the hospital and I’m asked for my AON card I don’t have it. The medical scheme for teachers was launched tene but I just never knew how important it would be until now. 

Teachers are so awesome they are insured twice by the government.(Don’t hate me coz you aint me)   

My pal asks me if I have my NHIF card or just the number and I can’t remember. For some reason I couldn’t remember anything. I didn’t carry shit. Just my very sick self. My friend is livid and I can see him seething with rage because now he will have to pay for everything in cash. Imagine even before the doctor says ‘hi!’ to you, you have to part with “consultation’ fee.

“You can’t be sick and stupid at the same time. Pick a struggle” .

OK! he didn’t say these words but I know he was thinking it.

After paying I’m sent to this room to have my pressure checked then later get on the weighing scale. I wasn’t worried because knew all the measures I had in place ensured that I maintain my weight. I get on the scale and to my horror I’ve added 5 frigging kgs.  Now it was not only my body hurting but my soul too. After all the discipline I exercised in staying healthy this is what I get? The diet gods must be against me. I sweater gawd my ancestors forgot to make one sacrifice. Lol  . At this rate I will look like Winnie the pooh wearing a t-shirt by the end of the year.

I’m told to wait for the doctor and he finds me seated with my head in my hands looking like something the cat drugged in while in my flimsy night dress and hair(ok it was a weave. But its still mine.i bought it. i got receipts to prove it) all over the place. 

And just when I think the day couldn’t get any worse they send in a youngin, fresh from college to come and examine me. When you meet a fine man you want to look your best not like a homeless person. I’m not Beyoncé , can’t go out with my I-woke-up-like-this face. If you squint a wee bit he looks like Denzel Washington. I explained my symptoms to him calmly wishing he would stop looking at me straight in the eye.

Wait. My day got even worse. I thought he would just take my temperature and tell me to open my mouth and say “aaah” ,but noooo? He tells me to lay on the bed for an examination. 

Why lort, why? 

Then now I start getting nervous because I’m tryna remember if I wore good underwear. Grandma always insists that we wear good underwear. Now I know she was preparing me for a day like this. I don’t know why for the love of anything sacred I could not remembered the underwear I wore. This disease must have gotten into my head.

I’m now praying that it’s the good one. I look down and luckily it’s the good one. Then he starts feeling up my lower abdomen.

 ( the closest I have come to action in a long time). lol

I tell him I aint preggers. He tells me when treating a woman my age, they gotta rule out pregnancy. Here we go again. I tell him I'm not pregnant and if I were I would know. He realizes there is no need arguing with miss-know-it-all. He continues doing his thing like I don’t even exist.

Young people these days!! Living with my Luo peeps has taught me one thing. They have no time for being politically correct (pun so intended). They tell it as it is. A while back I had a skin infection and the doctor told me to my face “madam wega ruako mtumba”. He durn heart my heart and bruised my ego mayne. I cant buy couture on a teacher’s salary. Mitumba is life.

Anyhu long story short- they do a couple of blood test. And guess what was ailing me? Frigging ulcers. Apparently I’m not supposed to eat all fruits as someone who has ulcers.and a bunch of other things which i ate in my quest to have a beautiful alimentary canal.

Eating healthy has now turned into a night mare. It durn near killed me. Moral of the story, dieting sucks- let nobody tell you different. If they do, punch them in the throat. You don’t need that negativity in your life chile. Eat what you want, when you want boo. Do you chile!

Ta ta lovely people!

Jo-town why you no like head?

yum

 

First of all, I would like to apologize in advance for always laughing at stuff I shouldn't laugh at in the first place. Ain't nothing as hard as trying to stop yourself from laughing (apart from diarrhoea of course). It is the same problem I get when I'm teaching. I ask a question and the students sometimes come up with the funniest answer and I just about get a heart attack trying to hold in that laughter.

Don't get me started on the awkward questions they ask me ALL.THE.TIME!Like this time we were talking about cancer and I tell the kids that when you have cancer one of the side effects of chemo is your hair falls off and i think your nails turn black or something. Then this kid lifts his hand with this serious face like he is about to say something profound. Then he asks,"You mean all hair falls off, including here? *asks while pointing his crotch*. I just repeated,"All hair including your eyebrows". At this point I have to feign anger to scare the others from asking follow up questions or making dirty jokes. It's cancer for crying out loud.

Let me get back to the story that I wanted to tell you. So this chiq who has lived all her life in town has been posted at a job near our village right! So being the good host that I am, with a big heart like a watermelon, I decide to welcome her.

First we go to this party to celebrate the birth of a new born. And the mama can throw down in the kitchen. She cooks food so good it could make you slap your mama. My friend looooo...ves chicken so you can imagine her joy when she saw some in a hot pot. Here they don't serve food in bowls, they keep them in hot pots which is kinda new to me.

My pal otoko the first helping of the chicken and eats it with glee. She then decides to go for a second helping but then changes her mind and declares that she is full. I don't think much of it seeing as she had already served copious amount of the hapless chicken.

On our way home she is pensive and sort of sad which made me fear that maybe she could be suffering from food poisoning. I then ask her to fungua roho. Then she confesses that when she looked in the bowl she saw chicken head in the bowl. She could've sworn the chicken was looking at her. Imagine that!

Apparently guys outchea don't cook chicken head n feet. They throw them away. Here in the village every part of the chicken is cooked. (Ok apart from the feathers). My friend was pissed because i didn't give her a heads up. Thing is Ive lived for a long time in the village to a point that I'm not surprised at things like finding chicken heads in a bowl. 

At least this mama's chicken was clean. Ive gone to houses where the house girl forgot to clean the sundu properly and served it on my plate which left a taste of shit in my mouth. I dared not spit it out because it would be considered rude.

Now my friend has sworn off chicken (Yay! the more for me ) This was after I explained to her that you gotta eat everything from the wattle to the tongue and all. You should have seen her retching. She argues that chicken poke their beaks in dirt and eat worms. I have seen chicken poke around in cow dung but it hasn't made me love them any less. This must be what true love is all about. You see them eat shit but you still love them to deff.lol. I think her argument about chicken-eat-shit-so-i-cant-eat-the-head-and-feet is total BS. Because I'm pretty sure all that dirt and all that chicken eat is what makes up all the other parts of the chicken like the drum stick n breast bone that people love so much.

 I know I should be sympathetic but nah. I love me some head...chicken head I mean.

Looks so good I wanna cry

Go out and get some chicken head tonight. You wont regret it son!
tata

When in doubt, wear black!

I remember when I was young I watched the above Grease video and I loved how John Travolta and his love interest were dressed in all black. The way Travolta was gyrating his hips... ayayayai! Then that part where they are in the shake shack thingy...  rrrrr! It got me thinking all sorts of stuff. Forget the stripper pole I needs me a shake shack in the boudoir. I have a hundred and one things I could do in it. 

Stop it Vicky! *slaps self*

Fast forward to the early nineties rapper Ja rule and singer Ashanti did a similar scene in their song mesmerize- I think. Ashanti looked so good in her shiny black thingy- couldn’t stop watching the video. Did you watch the same on glee? Perfect I tell you. And what do they all have in common? They are all in black. And you wanna know why? Because black is timeless guys! Whitney Houston's - I'm your baby tonight. She is wearing black and looking yummy as hell. Oh! Beyonce’s Countdown music video was awesome. Did you see her in black dancing like a marionette! Loved it! If only my child- bearing hips would fit in those black tights I would walk all day like that. Or not!

Just like Lisa Raye love's wearing all white and Janelle Monae be rocking black and white all day, I love my black. Most of my clothes are black. My bed sheets are black- my covers are black. When my mother saw them, she was mortified. She claims that why she ain't got no gran babies because I be scaring away all potential suitors with black bedding. Nothing about black spells sexy she says. But I beg to differ. Black is sexy. Let nobody tell you different. I wanted to buy black sofa sets but my sister claims it would make my house look dull. Poppycock, if you ask me. The only thing stopping me from wearing black now is that I work in a hot town in Homa bay county. The sweltering heat makes wearing black impossible and makes my black T-shirts fade at the back.

You can never go wrong with black. Everyone should have a black something in his or her closet. Black is no longer a preserve for funerals and formal events. Black should therefore not be viewed as depressing.  Black really is beautiful. 

Heck! I should print out T-shirts with this slogan. 

Then maybe I'll get y'all to love wearing black.

 If you haven't started already.

I was shocked to discover that there are so many colours out there and I have a hard time telling them apart. You got cobalt, navy blue, mauve,beige, crimson, tangerine, coral, turquoise, neon etc. But black is universal. Everyone around the world probably owns some piece of clothing in black. You can wear black with everything. You can even wear black on black! How awesome is that? 

Black is slimming. When you wear black, you look smaller and taller too. Black is timeless. It was cool back then and it is still cool to date. Black is not easily stained. What with me being clumsy and all. Black is just black. There is no light black or dark black. If you send someone to buy you something in black chances of them of f-ing it up are pretty slim. Anytime someone is selling me anything I always gotta ask” do you have it in black?” drives my friends bats. So next time you are going out and you don’t know what to wear. Wear black. You will thank me later!

My favourite cry-worthy movies

Ever watched a movie so depressing that it had you slinging snot around crying your tear glands dry?

You know you really don't have to do that to your self but its so beautiful you cant help it. The following movies are the ones that had me get my ugly cry on because they were so friggin sad. I'll mention the part that tug at my heart strings. If you don't cry at least it will give you those balancing tears like pussy in boots kwa shriek. If it doesn't then your cold man. You need to thaw that ice box you call a heart real quick! Don't worry I wont ruin for anyone.

1.Finding never land
When Johnny Depp's character is sitting on a bench and the little boy has balancing tears Nyasachiel I was howling!

2. Never let me go
When the guy gets out of the car and walks away and starts wailing and screaming like a banshee it broke my heart.

3. My sisters keeper
When the mama slapped her daughter. Not cool!
 
4. Sweet November
At the bridge when he tells her to close her eyes as she walks away.

5. Adjustment bureau
where do I start? How about when he sees her through the window. sweet!
 
6. Four colored girls
When Janet Jackson's character sits on the bed telling her no-good man whats what! It convinced me that Janet really is a great actor. Y'all know anything by Tyler Perry is bound to leave you touched as hell. I know guys think is corny but Tyler just has a way with them scripts.
 
7. Diary of a mad black woman 
When she is being dragged through the floor and thrown out. 

8. Daddy's little girls
The part wheree Idris Elba is in an altrercation with whats-his-face and they are playing Sam cooke's Change is gonna come. I cried like a baby

9. Titanic
When he goes to the bottom of the sea.
 
10. Law abiding citizen
What happened to his wife and child. Not cool. And they saw it fit to put it at the beginning of the movie? Not cool! :(
 
11. London
He could say he loved her and when she finally did...
I just get the sniffles thinking about it now.
 
12. Unfaithful 
When he found the gift he bought her at whats-his-name's house. Ouch!

13. Ghost
When he tried to speak to her but couldnt get throught to her because they were both from "different worlds'. I watched this in high school.

14. John Q
When Denzel Washington was crying. How you gonna make my man cry doe! It cut me, it cut me real deep.

BTW ever notice how Kimberly Elise knows how to cry on cue. That woiye struggle cry? e.g in
Diary of a mad black woman, Four colored girls, John Q. In her career I think she's the actress whose lost the mostt tears. There should be an award form that if you ask me!

15. Stepmom
The movie is depressing but the only thing I remember is how he preopossed with strings nshit. It was so romantic and sweet I cried buckets.lol

So next time you are in need of a good cry, find any of these movies and I guarantee you will weep like nobody's bidness. There's something cathartic about crying your eyes out. It gets rid of those negative emotions.

ION- December is here. Happy new month

And then I fell in love and now I got love all over me!

There is something about kids. When you get close to them you eventually find yourself falling in love with them. I thought movies like Are we there yet, The pacifier, About a man etc were corny. I mean how can grown adults let themselves be manipulated by these tiny tots. That was until I was posted in this boys' high school in Homa Bay and I found out first hand.

These little buggers are addictive. Holden in The catcher in the Rye was right 

“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody”

Now I love my class so much I can't stand it. When they fail it bothers me and I could just easily drink Kermit's tea like...

... and keep it moving but I cant. Because it's now my business. And you know why, I done let them into my heart and now I'm hooked just as character Frank explained in the book Father Frank...

He loved them (children), he'd always been good with them, but viewed them in much the same way as heroin addiction. From the moment they are born, you fall hopelessly in love with them and you are a prisoner to those feelings forever. Yes, they bring immense pride and pleasure but worry too- the most horrible gut wrenching worry. And there is no rehab program, you cant kick children the way you can kick smack. Best not get too hooked in the first place.

I shouldnt have gottten hooked in the first place. buh too late y'all, I'm hooked and I can't kick the habit! I let them get away with so much stuff the other teachers are always smh. Guys tell me how come I can check adults and tell them off but my students manipulate me up and down the streets. The answer is I'm hooked and there is no cure y'all. 

They manipulate me with the back talk and sass, silent treatment, pouting and don't forget the water works-  hate seeing tears. I hate seeing them cry and now they use it all the time. Every time I lay down the law they challenge my authority. They think all my rules are suggestions. Everyday I be having a referendum  with these young dissenters just to get them to do simple tasks. It annoys me because I'm always screaming my self hoarse all day as these kids spleen me every day.

It's even worse that I don't smack them like their parents do here in the village. One came to school demanding to know why I do not whip the kids. Now they are all worried that Imma turn their children into juvenile delinquents. They got me worried that I'm going to be a bad disciplinarian and raise my own kids to be brats :(

The go-sit-in-a-corner does zilch for their naughtiness. If anything they go to sleep in the nawty corner just to get me riled and it works all the time. I just hate the idea of smack children around. I think they should learn how to listen without the fear of the cane.Besides corporal punishment was banned in Kenyan schools tene. I don't have bail money and I'm too cute to go to jail and "pick soap".  But I don't have kids so I do not know!

These kids got me spending money on things I do not care about. At this rate I won't have a pot to piss in by the time I'm retiring. But the funny thing is I do not really care because when I go to sleep, I sleep in this soft comfy pillow called clear conscience. I have found my calling and I'm living a fulfilling life. 

All I ever wanted like Jeff who lies at home was to do something important. Something that mattered so that when I die you won't all be there at the funeral like "yeah she was a real b*tch". But you will be glad I lived because i touched lives. 

Enough talk gotta go mark them exam papers. Two more weeks to closing day and I'll be like...

chao

Bae needs to have some chill in this streets!

This old man was telling me that the trouble with relationships is that when a man approaches a woman he wants to get to know her before he decides if he'll commit to her. Women on the other hand want a confirmation that they will last forever before she gives her self fully to the man. Which is kinda impossible considering some things(like relationships) take time before they actually become meaningful. This forces the man sometimes to make false promises to get a chance to be with her. You really dont want to lie but at the same time you dont want to lose the chance to be with her. Its a catch 22 situation. You do you are damned, you dont you are still damned. (Kweli guys have it hard!)

Some are actually genuine when they make promises of love but down the line they realize the woman they are with is not who they thought they were and things change ergo they want out. Hence the many broken hearts and bitterness by both parties when the relationship goes sour.

Women don't want to hear 'Lets hang out and see how it goes' when they ask you "Where is this relationship going?" They want to be sure before they give themselves 100%. They put so much pressure on the man to define their relationship with of course disastrous effects. We like to label relationships all day. We want to know where we stand with anyone not just with members of the opposite sex. We don't just "chill" for chill's sake. Every thing has to have a meaning. Even people who have the FWB arrangements can testify that sooner or later the lady begins to feel some type of way about the man. Now she may even doing the most in his life hoping that he will see how awesome she is and wife her. Cooking, cleaning and generally indulging his every whim. She may even start acting all jealous when they see their FWB buddy talking with other ladies. At this point you know baby girl has caught feelings and she secretly wanna be exclusive!

I think women will be much safer if they followed this poet's advice before committing themselves to any relationship. It summarizes everything about how to progress in a romantic relationship. I have loved it since high school.

I beg you by Laban Erapu

If you feel something like love for me,
Not to let me know it now
When I feel nothing so certain for you.
Wait until you’ve conquered my pride
By pretending not to care for me.

I beg you,
If you think your eyes will give you away,
Not to give me that longing look
When you know it will force the moment
Wait until our heatbeats have settled
Then put your head on my shoulder.

I beg you,
Not to let us surrender to passion
Until our liking has grown to love
Let’s stop and look back
Let’s draw apart and sigh,
Let’s stand back to back,
Let’s say goodbye for the day
And walk our different ways
Without pausing to wait
For an echo to our last word.

I beg you
If you find yourself interlocked
In my embrace,
To kiss me and keep me silent
Before I start making promises
That time may choose to by-pass -
Wait until our hands are free,
Then listen to me;
Wait until our love is primed
Then give me your hand.’

Below is an interesting song by Papa Roach. The lyrics speaking on more or less what I'm tryna say. Sometimes baby boy may blurt out "I love you" without even meaning to and then its down hill from there! Any who have a listen...

King of the Jungle my *ss

I love tripe (matumbo for some of you). I especially love the fact that my kid bro hates matumbo or any food that squishes in the mouth from avocadoes to fatty meat. The more for me! I was talking to my bff and she told me she doesn’t eat matumbo too. According to her it has no nutritional value and it looks weird on the plate. I wasn’t really tryna hear her bad mouth the mouthwatering matumbo until she added- besides even lions do not eat matumbo. O.O She basically implied that even the lion was clever than me for not eating matumb. Gah!

This got me curious about the lion so I decided to read up on the interesting creature and what I found out shocked my duodenum. I think you better sit down for this. First of all I don’t understand how the lion came to be called the king of the jungle. It’s the second largest animal in the cat family after the Tiger. I mean they couldn’t just declare the Tiger the king? What got my goats is that the lion doesn’t even live in the jungle; it leaves in the plains and grasslands!

Wait! It gets worse. The lion doesn’t even hunt that much! The Lioness does all the hunting in the pack. The lazy *ss lion sleeps between 16-20hrs. It spends ¾ of its life just sleeping away while the poor lioness slaves away. Now if the lioness takes too long to bring his dinner, the lion is known to steal food from other animals such as the hyena and leopard. One of its hunting tactics is to literally bitch slap the prey. Apparently it has huge paws that deliver a blow which can break the zebra’s back.  It couldn’t be bothered to run after no prey. Aint nobody got time for that!

Now even after the lion has gotten its meal either by stealing or waiting for the lioness to hunt it doesn’t even chew its food. It swallows the meat pieces in chunks. Chewing food is for the birds (wait does the bird chew its food?) whatever! The lion doesn’t even let the fragile cubs go first. After the lioness has brought the prey, he has to go first then the lioness then the cubs that will then leave the rest to the scavengers (eg hyenas, vultures). The lion eats the best parts too like the heart, kidneys and liver. Only the best,  for the king of the jungle.

During the mating season the lion and the lioness will often go without food for sometime. I thought being the king; he would know how toA multitask or at least keep his female in check. But that would be too much to ask of the king of the jungle. It has been observed that when the lioness is on heat it will mate with more that one male. I knew the lioness was sneaky, hunting for the cubby daddy (lion equivalent ofbabby daddy)so he doesn’t know she is doing the dirty out there. Do your thing lioness, I ain’t mad at you gurl.lol

You would think with all the sleeping the lion does it would have some latent energy for future hunts but alas! When the lion walks his heel does not touch the ground; it gets its swag on y’all! Like he is too cool to walk on the dirt! Now to mark his territory, the lion will go pissing all over the place so that the other strange lions know what is up!

You know I thought the lion being the king of the jungle and all, it wasn’t afraid of anything. Would you believe the greatest threat to the lion is… wait for…it- the PORCUPINE! So much for the king of the jungle. 

Look at him!Looking all debonair nshit! nkt!