Signs that your mama is too controlling

I watched ‘Jack and Jill’ a couple of days ago and I noticed that most Adam Sandler’s movies (like 50 first dates, Spanglish, Anger management) always consist of a woman controlling some submissive man (Adam Sandler). I don’t know if it is a coincidence or Mr. Adam has something to share with us. 

Anyhoo I was inspired to research on controlling mothers and this is what I came up with...

Smothering, suffocating, Domineering, forceful, Combative, annoying, bullying, manipulative, sneaky, judgemental, Nitpicking, strong personality, Meddling, overprotective, micromanager, Abusive, bossy...

Do any of the aforementioned words describe your mama to a T? Then mon amie you might have a controlling mother in your hands (more like life). The other signs include:

1. Makes you doubt yourself

Right from childhood she nitpicks everything you do from how you walk, talk; chew your food to the cowlick sticking out. She hates your job, friends, lover, religion, profession etc. Around other people you are a grown up but around her you feel like a twelve year old again. Nothing you do is ever right. She makes you ashamed of your life.

2. Psychotic stalking

She wants to know where you are at all times (even if you told her where you are going before you left the house). She will ask about you from family or friends etc. She is nosy, will snoop through your things from diary, texts messages to your purse. If she is computer savvy she will check out your profile on fb and twitter etc.

3. Controls all your relationships

Mama tells you who you can or cannot hang out with. She screens all suitors, makes sure to be around when your friends come over and dominates all conversations. If she leaves, she will be in the next room eaves dropping. If you are on the phone, her ears perk up to try and hear what you are talking about. She might even start to control their lives too. She has sucked the life out of you, now she wants to suck it out of the others too. The big Hoover will spread the misery.

4. Guilt trips you

She whines how you spend more time with your friends than her. She makes you choose between her and other people/things/ interests. If you refuse to go see her she will talk in a small, weak, care worn voice to show how she is suffering. If you stand your ground she will send lots of text messages, emails, letters larded with words to make you feel guilty.

5. Lies/belittles/condemning and abuses you (sometimes others too)

She is a consummate liar and has mastered how to rally everybody around her. When you have an altercation she will lie about the details of the fight. She will tell any one who will give her an audience what a horrible person you are and most cases manage to isolate you from everyone. She will point out weaknesses like call you fat in front of people and embarrass you publicly. Always wears a scowl on her face. She is suspicious of people and is constantly picking up fights with them; from employees, service provider to the matatu touts.

6. Physical abusive

In very extreme cases, she may be physically abusive on top of the yelling and the screaming contests. This could be slapping/hitting you or throwing items that are in her hand like sufurias, plates, shoes etc at you. You may even have to get a restraining order against her if your life is in real danger. (Remember the Nyeri dude? shit can get that serious)

7. Give you strings-attached gifts

She will help you out financially or any other way which later on she will use to control and belittle you. She will constantly lord it over you to make you dance to her tune. She will constantly bring up all the things she has done for you and make you feel obligated to return the favour. She will ask you for favours which will require you to give feedback so as to get you to talk to her often.

8. Try to make you feel jealous

If all the above fails she will try to make you jealous. She will do nice things for other family members/friends or strangers to send a message to you. She will hold parties, cook for them, buy things for them etc. If it doesn’t affect you, she will move to saying things like “Grace is more like a daughter to me”” she treats me so well” etc. She may even constantly tell you how so and so’s child is successful and rubs it in your face.

9. Competes for your affection

She will drive away your friends and family so that you solely depend on her. She doesn’t want you meeting other friends or family. She will try to get people to stop from supporting you. She will try to isolate you by not allowing you to play with other kid when you are young. If she notices that she is being replaced, she will seek to up that other person. During birthdays she will buy the most outrageous gifts to make her seem like she cares more.

10. Rallies up people around her

A small altercation ends into a chain reaction with all other family members being involved in your business. She will be on the phone telling people how bad you are and all. She will run ideas by your friends and family and hope they drop hints to you to make you alter your plans. She is constantly complaining to your siblings/friends/family including your kids about you who in turn get on your case- it feels like a never ending drama.

11. Has a controlling ally

In most families your controlling mama will have an ally/ snitch, could be the husband but usually its the last born who will hover around to gather data. If you have more siblings, chances are if you don’t get the controlling character from her, one of your other siblings will pick it up. This sibling will start to exhibit behaviours like for instance constantly criticizing your clothes, your hair, correcting your grammar mid conversation, condescending, giving unsolicited advice larded with platitudes and old chestnut etc and help shove your mother’s agenda down your throat and spend time with your mama discussing what a demon you are. They will even have private jokes and pet names for you.

12. Melodramatic/exaggeration/ personal crisis/Emotional blackmail

She will cry, sulk, pout and throw temper tantrums if she does not get her way. If she has a headache it will blown up to migraines or even cancer. She will talk about suicide/death especially if she is old to get you to feel guilty. She just has this uncanny ability to get everyone to do what she wants. People are powerless to her charms and manipulation.

13. The men around her are hen pecked

One sure-fire sign your mama is controlling is if your father is whipped/submissive and bows to her every whim. If your father always seeks to hide from her eg in the pub or his office to get away from her then you really know she is a pain in his caboose. If she is constantly yelling at him (emasculating him) telling him how he is not good enough- its only a matter of time before you get a dose of this medicine (more like poison)

14. She acts like Martyr

She is always talking about some suffering or another. She is always feigning illness to get the family to come over. It’s always one crisis after another. She is constantly saying how her life is hard and how she has suffered. Constantly reminding you of all the sacrifices she made for you. Oh how you messed up her good body, how her birth canal was never the same thanks to your big head etc. Its always doom and gloom with her. She is constantly in turmoil and makes one bad decision after another and claims it was all for you.

15. She is intrusive/ demanding

This Mama wants to know every intimate detail of your life. She doesn’t cross the line; she starts on the other side of the line. Whenever she calls it is to ask intrusive questions and generally give you the third degree. How much you earn, why you are not pregnant yet, if you are getting any from your lover, she wants to know about your friends’ private lives too etc. Constantly pushing boundaries (more like there are no boundaries with her). She interferes in your life and is constantly stirring trouble/causing arguments between you and the rest of the family/friends.

16. Never listens

Every conversation or information you share with her is translated into you asking for advice. Before you finish talking she is already giving her two cents and persistently pushing her points of view down your throat. She likes to think that she is never wrong. She thinks she is an expert in your life never mind that some of the decisions she made in your life are horrible ones and you are paying for them to date.

17. Makes too many demands than is acceptable/Impatience

She is constantly demanding money, time etc from you. She wants all of your time and makes you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, husband and family. She will expect you to do favours at the drop of a hat without caring that you have other things to do.  If she calls and you do not pick up, she will leave over 10 messages (that is, after calling all your friends and siblings) She will fill up your inbox with messages etc. She has no respect for your personal time and space.

 (All this is usually common in families where there is an only child, in single parent black mothers or the parent and the child were abnormally close and emotionally dependent on each other growing up before other people started coming in the picture to challenge the status quo)

But not to worry, i gat you.

I will post details on how to deal with your bullying mama, aunty, mother-in-law etc for now marinate in this new information.LOL!

Ta at 

lovely people

Ps. Jesus loves you even if your mama don’t.