Look what I found!

I was watching a movie when I heard the song dont keep heaven busy and I really loved it. I decided to look for it and ended up finding the duo that make up the band Johnny swim. I never finished the movie and spent the rest of the day watching their music videos and I think I have fallen in like with the duo. I sweater gawd I don't even remember the title of the movie I was watching. Yes, their music was that good.

Johnnyswim band is made up of husband and wife (Amanda Sudano and Abner Ramirez.)

Aren't they just adorable?

They have  so much chemistry and it's a delight watching the two perform. Watching their interviews, you feel their love and dedication to their love and music. It's contagious, leaves you feeling all warm inside.

My favourite songs are Adelina, Bonsoir, Heartbeats, Dont keep heaven, Diamonds.

Please segue over to their videos and tell me what you think.

P.S. Amanda is the daughter of the legendary "Donna Summer". (Remember her song hot stuff?).  As beautiful as her mama.

When in doubt, wear black!

I remember when I was young I watched the above Grease video and I loved how John Travolta and his love interest were dressed in all black. The way Travolta was gyrating his hips... ayayayai! Then that part where they are in the shake shack thingy...  rrrrr! It got me thinking all sorts of stuff. Forget the stripper pole I needs me a shake shack in the boudoir. I have a hundred and one things I could do in it. 

Stop it Vicky! *slaps self*

Fast forward to the early nineties rapper Ja rule and singer Ashanti did a similar scene in their song mesmerize- I think. Ashanti looked so good in her shiny black thingy- couldn’t stop watching the video. Did you watch the same on glee? Perfect I tell you. And what do they all have in common? They are all in black. And you wanna know why? Because black is timeless guys! Whitney Houston's - I'm your baby tonight. She is wearing black and looking yummy as hell. Oh! Beyonce’s Countdown music video was awesome. Did you see her in black dancing like a marionette! Loved it! If only my child- bearing hips would fit in those black tights I would walk all day like that. Or not!

Just like Lisa Raye love's wearing all white and Janelle Monae be rocking black and white all day, I love my black. Most of my clothes are black. My bed sheets are black- my covers are black. When my mother saw them, she was mortified. She claims that why she ain't got no gran babies because I be scaring away all potential suitors with black bedding. Nothing about black spells sexy she says. But I beg to differ. Black is sexy. Let nobody tell you different. I wanted to buy black sofa sets but my sister claims it would make my house look dull. Poppycock, if you ask me. The only thing stopping me from wearing black now is that I work in a hot town in Homa bay county. The sweltering heat makes wearing black impossible and makes my black T-shirts fade at the back.

You can never go wrong with black. Everyone should have a black something in his or her closet. Black is no longer a preserve for funerals and formal events. Black should therefore not be viewed as depressing.  Black really is beautiful. 

Heck! I should print out T-shirts with this slogan. 

Then maybe I'll get y'all to love wearing black.

 If you haven't started already.

I was shocked to discover that there are so many colours out there and I have a hard time telling them apart. You got cobalt, navy blue, mauve,beige, crimson, tangerine, coral, turquoise, neon etc. But black is universal. Everyone around the world probably owns some piece of clothing in black. You can wear black with everything. You can even wear black on black! How awesome is that? 

Black is slimming. When you wear black, you look smaller and taller too. Black is timeless. It was cool back then and it is still cool to date. Black is not easily stained. What with me being clumsy and all. Black is just black. There is no light black or dark black. If you send someone to buy you something in black chances of them of f-ing it up are pretty slim. Anytime someone is selling me anything I always gotta ask” do you have it in black?” drives my friends bats. So next time you are going out and you don’t know what to wear. Wear black. You will thank me later!

And then I fell in love and now I got love all over me!

There is something about kids. When you get close to them you eventually find yourself falling in love with them. I thought movies like Are we there yet, The pacifier, About a man etc were corny. I mean how can grown adults let themselves be manipulated by these tiny tots. That was until I was posted in this boys' high school in Homa Bay and I found out first hand.

These little buggers are addictive. Holden in The catcher in the Rye was right 

“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody”

Now I love my class so much I can't stand it. When they fail it bothers me and I could just easily drink Kermit's tea like...

... and keep it moving but I cant. Because it's now my business. And you know why, I done let them into my heart and now I'm hooked just as character Frank explained in the book Father Frank...

He loved them (children), he'd always been good with them, but viewed them in much the same way as heroin addiction. From the moment they are born, you fall hopelessly in love with them and you are a prisoner to those feelings forever. Yes, they bring immense pride and pleasure but worry too- the most horrible gut wrenching worry. And there is no rehab program, you cant kick children the way you can kick smack. Best not get too hooked in the first place.

I shouldnt have gottten hooked in the first place. buh too late y'all, I'm hooked and I can't kick the habit! I let them get away with so much stuff the other teachers are always smh. Guys tell me how come I can check adults and tell them off but my students manipulate me up and down the streets. The answer is I'm hooked and there is no cure y'all. 

They manipulate me with the back talk and sass, silent treatment, pouting and don't forget the water works-  hate seeing tears. I hate seeing them cry and now they use it all the time. Every time I lay down the law they challenge my authority. They think all my rules are suggestions. Everyday I be having a referendum  with these young dissenters just to get them to do simple tasks. It annoys me because I'm always screaming my self hoarse all day as these kids spleen me every day.

It's even worse that I don't smack them like their parents do here in the village. One came to school demanding to know why I do not whip the kids. Now they are all worried that Imma turn their children into juvenile delinquents. They got me worried that I'm going to be a bad disciplinarian and raise my own kids to be brats :(

The go-sit-in-a-corner does zilch for their naughtiness. If anything they go to sleep in the nawty corner just to get me riled and it works all the time. I just hate the idea of smack children around. I think they should learn how to listen without the fear of the cane.Besides corporal punishment was banned in Kenyan schools tene. I don't have bail money and I'm too cute to go to jail and "pick soap".  But I don't have kids so I do not know!

These kids got me spending money on things I do not care about. At this rate I won't have a pot to piss in by the time I'm retiring. But the funny thing is I do not really care because when I go to sleep, I sleep in this soft comfy pillow called clear conscience. I have found my calling and I'm living a fulfilling life. 

All I ever wanted like Jeff who lies at home was to do something important. Something that mattered so that when I die you won't all be there at the funeral like "yeah she was a real b*tch". But you will be glad I lived because i touched lives. 

Enough talk gotta go mark them exam papers. Two more weeks to closing day and I'll be like...

chao

Bae needs to have some chill in this streets!

This old man was telling me that the trouble with relationships is that when a man approaches a woman he wants to get to know her before he decides if he'll commit to her. Women on the other hand want a confirmation that they will last forever before she gives her self fully to the man. Which is kinda impossible considering some things(like relationships) take time before they actually become meaningful. This forces the man sometimes to make false promises to get a chance to be with her. You really dont want to lie but at the same time you dont want to lose the chance to be with her. Its a catch 22 situation. You do you are damned, you dont you are still damned. (Kweli guys have it hard!)

Some are actually genuine when they make promises of love but down the line they realize the woman they are with is not who they thought they were and things change ergo they want out. Hence the many broken hearts and bitterness by both parties when the relationship goes sour.

Women don't want to hear 'Lets hang out and see how it goes' when they ask you "Where is this relationship going?" They want to be sure before they give themselves 100%. They put so much pressure on the man to define their relationship with of course disastrous effects. We like to label relationships all day. We want to know where we stand with anyone not just with members of the opposite sex. We don't just "chill" for chill's sake. Every thing has to have a meaning. Even people who have the FWB arrangements can testify that sooner or later the lady begins to feel some type of way about the man. Now she may even doing the most in his life hoping that he will see how awesome she is and wife her. Cooking, cleaning and generally indulging his every whim. She may even start acting all jealous when they see their FWB buddy talking with other ladies. At this point you know baby girl has caught feelings and she secretly wanna be exclusive!

I think women will be much safer if they followed this poet's advice before committing themselves to any relationship. It summarizes everything about how to progress in a romantic relationship. I have loved it since high school.

I beg you by Laban Erapu

If you feel something like love for me,
Not to let me know it now
When I feel nothing so certain for you.
Wait until you’ve conquered my pride
By pretending not to care for me.

I beg you,
If you think your eyes will give you away,
Not to give me that longing look
When you know it will force the moment
Wait until our heatbeats have settled
Then put your head on my shoulder.

I beg you,
Not to let us surrender to passion
Until our liking has grown to love
Let’s stop and look back
Let’s draw apart and sigh,
Let’s stand back to back,
Let’s say goodbye for the day
And walk our different ways
Without pausing to wait
For an echo to our last word.

I beg you
If you find yourself interlocked
In my embrace,
To kiss me and keep me silent
Before I start making promises
That time may choose to by-pass -
Wait until our hands are free,
Then listen to me;
Wait until our love is primed
Then give me your hand.’

Below is an interesting song by Papa Roach. The lyrics speaking on more or less what I'm tryna say. Sometimes baby boy may blurt out "I love you" without even meaning to and then its down hill from there! Any who have a listen...

The narcissistic mothers and their daughters

Most of the time when women come undone people assume that its daddy issues. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the dad and all to do with the mother. There are mothers who are controlling because they have narcissistic personality. They lack the fundamentals of mothering e.g. unconditional love, sensitivity and empathy and security. An example is the character in the Tv series Single ladies whose mother wants her to marry a philandering man because he comes from a good family. 

Their daughters are normally conditioned to care for these mothers rather than the reverse. These mothers see their daughters as competition which explains why they rarely attack their male children. Although there are some few males who have controlling mothers like the character Charlie’s mother in “two and a half men” and that rapper who always says unsavory things about his mother in his songs. For others it is their father who is narcissistic like that character in ‘The mentalist’ whose name I can't remember now and the bad boy in the Tv series "Friday night lights". Anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissistic person will tell you how hard it is to break free. These mothers consistently undermine your person-hood. Although every human being needs a reasonable amount of attention to survive both physically and psychologically, these mothers want to have it all even if it means depriving their children of certain privileges.

Narcissistic mothers are predatory; they will torture their children for sheer entertainment. Like that woman who on the internet uploaded a clip of her two young children beating the hell out of each other. They rarely get caught by other people because they have mastered the art of predation. Personnel in the child services can usually tell a child is being emotionally abused but are hard pressed to prove it. They always pounce on their children when no one who may hold them account or stop them is around to witness the abuse. NM pushes buttons you didn’t even know you had. This also made worse by how the society worships mothers and assumes that when a mother gives birth the maternal instincts automatically kicks in. Unfortunately in some mothers it doesn’t and they spend the rest of their lives sucking the life out of their child’s life and in most cases get away with it.

NM always single out the most sensitive child as a target. They can smell vulnerability with nearly unfailing accuracy. They never apologize for continuously abusing you. These mothers never apologize even after they have reduced you verbally or physically to tears or coerced you into their version of reality. In fact they later break down to what one blogger described as non-apology and sweetly said words of non-love e.g.

I’m sorry but I had to do that to you

I’m hard on you because I care so much about you

I’m strict because I want you to be better than me

Look what you made me do

All these words keep you coming back for more abuse. If you do something commendable they withhold praise from you. For example if you get all A’s in your report card she tell you “Oh, that’s nice honey…” making you feel like it is not good enough. Or she will tell you of her accomplishments to up you and brag on herself. No matter how hard you try the response is always the same. They are sadistic and therefore don’t see the need to recognize your accomplishments.

These behaviors are hard to deal with because in every mother-daughter relationship, they manifest different. The need to have it all is what they all have in common but they manifest differently especially since every child also has a different Achilles heel for them to attack. Even though they don’t necessarily lay a hand on you they always manage to bring you pain. Emotional abuse is usually the worst as it is very hard to not only prove but also explain. Even advocates for abused children can tell they are abused but they are at a loss when it comes to explaining it in court and most of the time abusive mothers get away with it.

Narcissistic mothers want to humiliate shame and confuse you. She will tell you things like

“You will never amount to anything”

“You will never make it in life”

“I wish I never gave birth to you”

“You were the worst mistake I ever made in my life”

“I should have had an abortion when I had the chance”

NM are sadistic in that they enjoys hurting you and wants you to know that they do. They lack empathy. The abuse is not involuntary or reflexive. It is carefully staged, planned, deliberate, premeditated cruelty and they know what they are doing. This deliberate sadism is deeply enjoyed by these sadistic mothers. They do not acknowledge your feelings. For example the mother can beat you then ask you to stop crying yet you are hurting.

The many faces of narcissism include being psychosomatic, ignoring, belittling and shaming.  The abuse can be overt one where they physically abuse you which is easy to deal with as you have the outward marks to bear witness. I have a friend who is employed in her mid 20’s living at home and her parents still beat her when she disagrees with them. She told me if she buys something she hides them under her bed because her parents monitor everything. She tells me she plans on moving out secretly because her mother won’t let her. I asked her to come for a sleep over and she refused, I even offered to ask her mother directly but she was too scared.

The most dangerous mothers are those who are not overtly narcissistic and are able to hide their malicious predation. In fact people around her praise her for her “goodness” and they castigate you whenever you try to stand up for yourself. She is so clever that she has managed to get everyone on her side to help make your life miserable. You can’t prove to other people how they abuse you as it is mostly emotional abuse. Narcissistic mothers adapt to their environment and change their tactics as the situation demands which makes it hard to pin point the exact problems.

Most of the time the only way to know that your mother is narcissistic is how she makes you feel. Usually it’s very hard for daughters with narcissistic mothers to find “proof” to issue a final “verdict” on them. Hence the reason why they stay trapped in such relationship. It’s the same with people with narcissistic partners. Ever seen two people who look good together date for long then out of the blue they break up over something as simple as he forgot her birthday? Well it’s because the woman or man has been looking for a way out and this small incident provides it.

People on the on the outside are usually oblivious of what is happening to the child. Therefore you can only accurately measure the toxicity of their behavior by the effects on your own soul. If she paralyses you that sometimes you feel like running away or killing yourself then it’s really bad for you. If ever conversation with her leaves you either guilty or angry then it is also a sign of a toxic relationship. If you even wish she were dead then it’s a very serious problem. I remember one daughter saying that when her mother died was the first time she felt really free.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers mostly end up either as high-achievers to please their mothers or perform poorly (self-sabotagers) because they give up on ever being good enough for their mother. No matter which form the daughter takes they still have feelings of inadequacies.

To be free, you really need to give your self permission to give your “verdict” against your mother based on the evidence it has on your heart, mind and soul. Don’t wait for it to reach a certain level of hard abuse, leave before it gets out of hand. Accept what your mother for what she is and what she isn’t and stop expecting to much. (You have all seen stories where children kill their mothers after the abuse has made their minds unstable). It’s the only way you will start the process of healing.

Another blogger said she tried to break free from her narcissistic mother through talking it out but it felt like telling her mother to look at the rainbow and she is colour blind. It never works because they have years and years of practice manipulating people around them. The sure fire way of dealing with narcissistic mothers is no contact at all, they are way to far gone to change. They gate a pay off from your pain. It is too much fun!

Ps- I am no psychologist so maybe you need to see a counselor for real truths on how to deal with a narcissistic mother. For useful information on how to cope you can also buy the book  

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  By Dr Karyl McBride. 

 She is a trained marriage counselor and therapist, and also a daughter of a narcissistic mother. She has studied the mother-daughter dynamic for twenty plus years and written extensively about this subject in her book. She gives examples from clients who she has counselled over the years. Many women have really benefited from this book especially since it has been written by someone who has gone through it. She also gives step-by-step advice on how to deal with these situations and leave a joyfully fulfilling life.

My dream wedding

Today I write a soppy post. I have always had a little yen for weddings. Always. Although most spinsters my age have given up on ever doing a church wedding. They tell me to try get myself preggers then move in with ninja and get it over and done with. You would think all these talk would deter yours truly but noooo... I’m gonna drag ninja’s behind down the aisle even if it damn near kills him.

Yep! Ladies, men don’t know what they want- so it is our job to tell them what they want. Yes, that includes, walking down the aisle. That’s why they came up with the phrase “better half.” We are the better halves. Beyonce was right, we run this matha... They all want to get married; they just don’t know it yet! Very soon I will be releasing a book titled “how to drug your man down the aisle” it will be at bookstores and supermarkets near you.

Now forget come-we-stay-and-see-whether-we-like-it bull and all that jazz. That isht is for the birds. God did not make your fine ass to settle for that BS. Ati love in our hearts. What’s the point of being in love if you can’t show off your object of your affection to all and sundry? Besides on the wedding day them trifling-boyfriend-snatching heifers will keep off your man as he is spoken for. You better drag his ass down the aisle. 

The wedding has to be done your way so they better put it in their bong (pipe is so mainstream) and smoke it. Do not let anyone stand between you and your dream wedding, yes even your betrothed. Put your foot down. Yes, even if it means knocking him over the head unconscious with a skillet cave man style then by jove do it doll face. 

You are going to have that wedding even if it damn near kills him. By any means necessary, Machiavelli style.

Anyhoo I was writing an article for someone about weddings and while going through various websites I couldn’t help but dream about my dream wedding. I went all J.D (remember SCRUBS series) and couldn’t concentrate on the project at hand.

So this is how my dream wedding is going to be. You may want to grab a chair; this is going to be long.

I used to say I would be the first bride in Kenya to wear white pants complete with a tiny top but I know grandma would have a hernia if the women’s guild at church saw me like that so forget I even brought it up.

I’m thinking for the dress maybe a replica of the sequined wedding dress that Beyonce wore in the music video of ‘the best thing I never had’ song. Yes with all the gold shiny thingys n sh*t (dreamer much). I just hope it will hold my bosom...you know seeing as I am small-chested and all.

But come to think of it, my rhinoceros hips may not fit so maybe the dress singer Estelle wore with lots of hip room, in the music video “American Boy” featuring rapper Kanye West will have to do.

I am thinking Mr.jaber3000 should walk down the aisle in nothing but a loin cloth but I know my prudish family & friends will give me grief over it. And I would never hear the end of it for as long as I live; besides for some reason most men my age these days have let themselves go so maybe their pouch will ruin the photos.

However, If my wish is granted and Mr. Right has a body like a gladiator (think rapper Nelly or LL cool J) he will never wear a shirt EVER! I won’t even have to save for a washing machine y’all, them washboards abs will be enough.

But who cares about the groom, it’s my day...back to me.

I want to wear sparkling earrings that shine every time the sun’s rays hits it just right...yes mine will be an outdoors wedding. Now the bridesmaids will definitely wear orange dresses with gold shoes (don’t ask me how it will work. But they better make it work or otherwise they are dead to me). If you want to know the shade of orange that am referring to, check out Indie Arie’s ‘Therapy’ music video. You see when they dress in all orange they will look like tangerines rolling down the aisle.

I fux with sunflowers so no roses or gardenias or any of those weird looking flowers I normally see on wedding shows. I think sunflowers are not only beautiful but useful too, they are the only flowers that make sense to me and I can’t for the life of me understand why people in the weddings I see have never thought of it.

For the music am torn between Josh Groban’s- When you say you love me, Tracy chapman - Open arms or you are the one, Luther vandross- Amazing, Brad paisley and Carrie Underwood – Remind me, John Legend- cross the line (mama will think the lyrics will cross the line*nudge nudge*) gawd! there are so many good songs..

But if I can’t make up my mind we will do the old default wedding song that everybody knows and save the rest for the reception.

For the vows am torn between two, I would show you but I don’t want to bore you with more mushy stuff. Moving on! The cakes should be sunflower designs.

 (Speaking of cakes... I would like better if we dig into some breast...chicken breast I mean, instead of the cake. I hate the icing sugar they normally put in cakes...too sugary for my taste and it goes straight to my hips anyway, that is, if I don’t get the runs first. Or maybe even some ol’ good fish! Who said that we all have to cut some cake for the wedding????)

At the reception we’d better do the shuffle like they do in Tyler Perry movies and if anyone goes out of sync with the rest, I guess he/she will have to turn in early because he will be shown the door piyo piyo.

 But seriously though I want my wedding to be a carnival like the cop in the movie “BRIDESMAIDS” said. No stress just people having fun eating and drinking with some great music. I’m I asking for too much here people?

Dear men, this is how you improve your profile on social networks

I am not really a big believer on finding love on fb or the internet for that matter. It’s not so much about the stigma surrounding the thought of looking for love in cyberspace but mostly because it is really hard to get to know who someone really is. On the other hand fb has really made it easy, fast and cheaper to communicate and stay in touch with friends, family and colleagues especially those have traveled outside the country. What with the high standards of living and demanding jobs that make it hard for people to meet as regularly as they want or need to.

Although am still skeptical about people meeting new people via internet, I won’t demonize those who choose that route; to each his own. Since I can’t really speak for men as I am not a mind reader, I have taken it upon myself to give the brothers a few pointers on how they can impress the ladies on the social networks. This is just my two cents on how to impress women and it may not exhaust all the points so feel free to add more points ladies! This is especially for those blokes who have recently added their love interest on fb, twitter etc and want to make a good impression.

1. Image is everything don’t let anyone tell you different

Whatever you do, do not put passport size photos as they usually are not flattering unless it’s done by a professional photographer which of course is expensive as hell. One “STUDIO MONA” comes to mind, located along Argwins Kodhek Rd, Maasai Apartment house, Ground Floor. (And no they did not pay me to advertise). I just saw some dude with a pic he got from there and boy did it look goooooo...oood!

Please no ding dong shades (or whatever you call those glasses that take up half your face). Unless of course they are prescription glasses!

Try to have only photos of your self on the profile pic and make sure you look neat and try to smile, it will soften your look and make you seem approachable...looking like you sucked on a particularly sour lemon won’t get you noticed by the ladies.

Never put pictures of other females as your profile picture because girls will automatically assume you are married or in a relationship.

Never put pictures of children unless they are related to you. If you have children come clean because if you try to hide it someday some genius will ask you “how are the boys doing” or “when does little Stacy start school” then you will find yourself at the heartbreak hotel.

Never EVER put pictures of yourself semi-naked unless you have the body of a gladiator... please... I beg o. Some dude recently uploaded a pic of his upper torso and I swear he looked like a scrawny teenager never mind that he is in his late 20’s. The body hair and birth marks didn’t help either. And it’s really hard to take such a person seriously...I’m just saying!

Still on the above point do not put pictures of other naked women; it makes you come off as a pervert. No videos either, no one wants to know what you do during your free time sir, keep that sh*t to yourself. No sex talk on the TL, preserve that for your boys when you are discussing whatever it is that men talk about when they are alone. The lady don’t need to know what it is that you think about, it might scare her away.

If you have done all the above, please don’t try some weird Tyra like poses where you have contorted your body into weird positions. And please do not pout...no trying to reduce your eyes into slits like models do...no taking pictures of your image on the vanity mirror ... no putting on baby lotion so that your body gleams in the light...that sh*t is really scary man. And the oily lips making you look like you have just been eating nyama choma is a no no!

And unless you are a rock star or something, please stay away from make-up. No girl wants a man who rocks Maybelline better than she does!

Now thanks to various apps, people are now able to zoom in photos and see what’s behind you. The one thing that I have noticed about the older men on fb is this trend of taking photos at their place of work while sitting on a desk while holding the phone with a lap top on an empty desk. Or standing next to someone’s cars; near enough to make people think it’s yours and far enough not to set off the car alarm. Please stop, it’s just so corny! It has been done so many times its actually boring.

 In Kenya some mothers have this habit of putting crocheted vitambas (someone please translate this to the non-Swahili speakers) on the couches (sofa sets for some of you). 

                                            (notice the vitamba behind me)

I have noticed some men who also take photos while lying on a seat with vitambas. So unless you want people to think you still live with your mama, ditch the vitambas. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so choose an interesting background which will speak for you.

Always upload photos of interesting places you visit with your friends to show that you have a life. Or just some photos of funny things you see in your day to day travel.

2. Mind your language

Women are very sensitive to language. They tear apart everything men say and analyze each and every word, hence the reason for the many relationship wars. For this reason women are very careful about what they say on fb but the men go wild. That’s why I have recently taken up reading books/blogs written by men as they have no filter. They let it all out. They are not as concerned about what people think of them or as sensitive to other people’s feelings on most subjects.

But if you intend to attract a woman, especially well mannered or conservative (read prudish) you going to have to stop cussing. No angry status updates, no hurling of insults, no arguing with people al over the TL. Etc.

No Spelling mistakes

(spelling mistake)

I read an article today online and the writer explained how individuals and companies lose revenue every year due to spelling mistakes on their websites. Customers are put off by any spelling mistakes they find on the websites as they believe it’s a reflection on the company’s ability to deliver goods/ service. So it’s the same for fb, try and observe the grammatical rules as much as you can. Now thanks to spell check kwa computer, you really have no excuse for breaking any rules.

3. Exercise Tolerance

They say there are 3 topics you do not discuss with complete strangers; Politics, religion and sex. I also think you should stay away from arguing with people about these even if you are into apologetics and stuff because it may drive them away. Do not go spreading hate especially as we approach the election time in Kenya, most people are very sensitive and PEV in 2008 is still fresh on their mind. But if you must “go there” try to be respectful and have content enough to support your stand. There is nothing as painful as “watching” people argue with each other on fb with limited info and bad grammar.

4. Display intelligence with a hint of humour

Try to appear intelligent and well informed on the issues happening around in your community. Comment on interesting, factual and informative status updates. Be sensitive enough to keep your bias and prejudices to yourself.  There will be plenty of time to explain later. You can occasionally give pearls of wisdom on your status update. You can google some Shakespeare or Confucius stuff to wow your female audience. Have an opinion on important stuff, have principles or things you stand for and be firm. A woman loves a man with direction and sense of purpose so give them some snippets of wisdom on the social networks. It works wonders!

Be interesting such that the lady actually looks forward to reading your profile updates and comment on them. Try to frequent fb and not only visit once a month, the lady might loose interest. On the other hand do not update status every half hour because the lady will start to wonder how old you are and if you’re really know how to use fb or have a life. Don’t always try to chat with her when she gets online you may come off as a stalker. Once in a while let her initiate the convo at least so you know isht is real.lol. But on twitter anything goes! Humour goes a long way into capturing ladies attention, if you can make a woman laugh...boss your half-way in!

5. Show some softer side

Take some photos with some cute animals or you giving back to the community or something.  Talk well about other women especially about those in your family. I saw some dude put a pic of him and his mama and I felt all warm inside. Observe women’s day and write something that will honour the women. Be aware of different important dates like the AIDs and Breast cancer awareness days. Say something on the issues to show that you genuinely care about these things that affect Kenya and the rest of the world. Women dig that!

6. Honesty

Try to fill in the information that is asked on the information section. It doesn’t have to be specific but play around with the truth; I mean you don’t want some crazy lady stalking you or something.

Stay away from weird profile names like big dick or lover boy rather just add some twist to your name if you don’t want to use your full name. Like “Tony” for Antony or “dru” for Andrew etc. Or you can have an interesting name with a story behind it so that people will be curious enough to ask you what it means. It can be an ice-breaker for you and miss-right. There is also this trend I have notice among the barbies in Nairobi, you drop all your Christian name and use only your second and surname. It makes you look important or something... i dunno!

No issues please

Always K.I.S.S (keep it short and simple)Whatever you do my friend, stay away from stirring up issues. No talking to females exclusively all over the TL all day or trying to solicit for some action in the boudoir kwa inbox- chiqs tell and you will be found out eventually. If your ex had your password please changed it ASAP because she might write stuff on your wall that may ruin your chances of moving on. Then block her and any of her loud mouthed friends who may be on some revenge missions. Hell hath no fury... you know the rest!

No saying how you’re dad never hugged you or how your ex is a hoe. No feeling sorry for yourself on the TL...+No suicide talks. I mean you don’t want her to sympathy-date you, do you now? No whining or b*tchin about this or that. It’s exhausting “listening” to you whine all day.

 Don’t show any phobias on the wall, have some mystery about you that will make the ladies curious. No grovelling or commenting on every photo, status update or blog the lady writes- It makes you look desperate. Don’t over do it man. Do not be in a hurry to ingisha her box...Remember what I told you here.

Life is already hard on us as it is; no lady needs to add your issues on top of what she is going through. This you can bring up when you are talking face to face and not displayed on the wall for all and sundry to see. It’s just not in good taste. Respect the ladies privacy no bringing up stuff you discussed in private on the TL. It might be misconstrued by other people then s*t will really hit the fan.