Who is whore-lier?

What is it about me and short men that we can’t see eye to eye? Wait…don’t answer that, it is a rhetorical question. Well few days ago I found myself in an altercation with a short man…again! I am beginning to think that maybe am the problem because in all past encounter with short men, am the common denominator. But I had to LOL when the short dude shouted “you are not even that tall” when I was leaving. But that’s another story for another day.

So somewhere during our argument, ninja decided to call me a hoe.Yes i was shocked too!! i wanted to say your mama then i remembered i have a mother so i let it go?

I have  noticed a trend in the social networks when people are always playing this game of ‘she is a hoe if… ‘ and the men jump in to give their two cents. There was even one time of FB when some young man insulted all women and I felt offended and I wrote at the comment section “do you have a mother?” and he felt guilt and apologized which is a good thing because I was fitna report his behind and have him blocked for a few days to think about what he had done!

Or like those dudes who go to the club and can’t approach chiqs so they sit in a corner and try to decide who is a hoe and who isn’t. Which is kinda sad if you ask me. It’s that sorta thinking that will make you not get laid because your views of women is distorted.

Almost everyday there is someone in the internet calling someone a hoe. Some men even try to inbox you for a date and when you refuse they come to the timeline and start calling you a hoe. Then other friends of his jump on the roast and insult you to kingdom come without even caring to find out where it all begun.

Theories have even been brought forth on how to know if a chiq is a hoe. The theories range from nasty to downright ridiculous. Ati if a chiq wears shoes with transparent heels, long nails and a weave she a hoe, If a chiq listens to lil boosie or any other rap music babe is thirsty! If a chiq is at the club and she is dancing provocatively to dancehall music b*tch is dehydrated! Really men…really? This is the checklist for knowing who is whore-lier? Sort of like your very own personal whore-o-meter.lol

Now who is a hoe? Well i stumbled onto another forum that had the following definitions and i had to LOL at some of their ridiculous answers. I mean they cannot even agree on the definition of a hoe!

Man1

A whore is someone who fucks people for money and there is nothing wrong with that. It's allegedly the world’s oldest profession.

Man 2

an easy person to engage in intercourse with; a person who will have sex on the first night of meeting another individual

Man 3

No.  A whore is a girl who fucks more than 2 guys at once in the same room at the same time.

Man 4

SEX IS DIRTY!!! PEOPLE WHO DO IT ARE BAD AND HAVE NO MORALS/LOW SELF ESTEEM!!

IF PEOPLE HOLD HANDS IN UNDER @ MIN THEY ARE BOTH WHORES!!! COVER UP YOUR FUCKING SKIN AND LET YOUR PARENTS CHOOSE YOUR SPOUSE!

!  IF PEOPLE HOLD HANDS IN UNDER @ MIN THEY ARE BOTH WHORES!!! COVER UP YOUR FUCKING SKIN AND LET YOUR PARENTS CHOOSE YOUR SPOUSE!

 (i bet man 4 was shouting as he wrote this-explains why he used caps)

Anyway to settle this argument once and for all, we are all whores! Yeah I said it…you can quote me on that. I know feminists are going to beat the lumps out of me but hear me out. We all get into relationship to get and not really to give. When was the last time you saw a woman or man and said to yourself “I wish I could make that person happy”…I will wait! Am guessing never!

We are all selfish. Our hearts are deceitful and we love for what we can get. We exchange sex for love and vice versa. We live in a society obsessed with sex; we talk about it all day. From kina Fareed and Mwalimu King’ang’ in the morning to the evening shows. These days when I get into matatus I have to put on my ear phones just to get away from it all. We sell everything using sex from toothpaste to chewing gum. All our social networks are full of sex undertones, not only in our language but the pictures we upload. If you check all our phones, or anyone above 18 yrs you are bound to find a text with sex undertones too if not out rightly lewd! We can’t go a day without hearing about sex. Sex has even brought together people who are not meant to be together. It creates more problems than it solves. This just goes on to show just how sick we are. In the movie FOUR COLORED GIRLS some guy told a lady who was promiscuous that she was sick and that if the sickness wasn’t in her body then it was in her mind. I think it’s the same with us right now; those who are not out rightly promiscuous have thought about it or enabled our friends who are addicted to unhealthy lifestyle.

People nowadays are having sex outside of the marriage institution which is appalling seeing as Kenya claims to be about 80% Christian. This is why the gay community doesn’t see the need to change their ways. I tried to talk to a gay young man about his lifestyle and he zimad me by showing me all the promiscuous Christians and how the bible also is against premarital sex. When you go to church on Sunday, the parking lot is full but the teachings don’t seem to trickle down to the other areas of our lives. I know of church officials who are living questionable lifestyles and can stand on the pulpit on Sunday bila shame. I'm not judging though am just trying to expound on my theory.

Personally I think that if you are not legally married and are sleeping around you have no license to call other people hoes. I was talking to another lady who I know is sleeping with both her boyfriend and sugar daddy and she had the gull to call our other friend a hoe. I mean am I missing something here? What’s the difference between the two? To me sex outside marriage is right up there with being a hoe so technically we are all hoes. Think about it! 

Let’s say you accidentally board the wrong train with a hoe and you are in the same seat. She is loud, lewd and annoying while you are seated calmly in your seat. Does that change the fact that you are both going in the wrong direction? I think people should get off their high horses and stop labeling people and deciding who is whore-lier. Unless you want to help someone who is genuinely obsessed with sex then shut up and walk away. This also goes to men who were dumped by their girlfriends or something and they go to the social networks and call all women hoes. If you have a mother, daughter, wife or a sister just know that anytime you make these comments you also insult them.

Now let’s all talk about more important things like how to stop global warming, achieve world peace or something and leave people alone. I swear the same of people go on and on about how women are all hoes 24-7 makes me want to go settle at the bottom of the deepest ocean. Gawd!

ps. Anyone who calls other people hoes is the hoe- takes one to know one!(just saying)

On getting preggers!

So now that am talking about kids and all I gotta ask…how do people get preggers????

I know it’s the fusion of the female gamete and the male gamete but when you read the medical journals it sounds almost impossible. Ok check this out…

Every month a mature ovum is released from either one of the woman’s two ovaries

(am guessing they toss a coin.lol. By the way did you know that the ovum is the largest cell in the human body that is visible to the naked eye? Suck on that men…not like suck on that...but you get what I mean)

So the egg moves to the fallopian tube where it is viable for about 72 hrs but capable of being fertilized for only about 12-24 hrs.

Now the good ol sperms can stay upto 5-7 days after coitus but is only capable of fertilizing the ovum for only 48-72 hrs

Wait…it gets better…

It takes 6-12 hrs for sperms to swim to the tubes (lazy ass sperms smh). Now not all the lazy ass sperms can swim only 1% of them make it to the “promised land”. So how comes only 1% makes it to the tube? Well am glad you asked…

-Some die at the entrance of the vajajay

-some get entangled by the cervical mucous and die

-some die immediately after entering the cervix

-some overzealous ones miss the target and tumble out of the opening of the tubes

Now you must admit getting preggers sound pretty hard donnit? So if my calculations are correct you got like 2-5 days in a month (woman’s cycle) to get pregnant right? So how the hell are people having unwanted pregnancy all over the place? Like those people who have like 15 kids- what’s up with that? Unless they be doing it like they do it in the discovery channel...tihihihi!

on having babies

Babies are cute. Babies are lovely. Almost every woman at one time has thought of having one. I have read a couple of blogs where a couple of young girls reckon they don’t want children, not now, not ever. I am never really worried because most of them later will have a change of heart, I can bet my life on it. 

 

There is something about babies that changes a woman. I have literally watched wild girls mellow after they get children. They discover that they have the capability to be responsible for another life other than their own. They are happy to have someone in their life that they love more than they love themselves. 

 

Most of the friends I have who are single are afraid of getting married because of the increasing divorce rate. My biggest fear is actually not being able to have children. It is one of the worst things to ever happen to a woman. There are many examples in the Bible like Rachel who told her husband “Give me a child or I will die” (Genesis 30:2). Imagine…someone threatening to die if she doesn’t get a baby. There is also Hannah (1 Samuel 1:1-17) who was so desperate for a baby that the Bible describes her as having ‘Bitterness of the soul”. There is bitterness and there is bitterness of the soul which comes about with being really miserable to the core of your being. Even Eli who was at the temple where she was praying thought she was drunk because she spoke in her heart: only her lips moved but no sound. The bible also says she even refused to eat (1 Samuel 1:8) that her husband who really loved her more than the other wife and did not hide it had to ask “am not I better to thee than ten sons?” But later when the priest promised her that she would soon get a child, the Bible says – the woman went her way and did eat, and her countenance (face) was no more sad- What a transformation! Abraham’s wife was also barren and thought her maid (Hagar) could give her a baby but she became jealous as soon as the baby came. 

 

These are just but a few examples at how bad a woman can want to have a baby and the lengths she will be willing to go to get it. We have heard of women stealing babies and even consulting witch craft. Some dubious preachers have even made a kill manipulating women who are barren. That’s just how badly a woman can want to have a child. It really is a big deal that young girls don’t seem to understand. I used to wonder why people who live in slums and are poor keep having babies despite the fact that there are clinics offering free family planning services besides they can’t even afford to take proper care of the children. Now that I have friends having children and seeing the joy children bring it all makes sense. When you have a young child there is so much joy and happiness that only a mother who has had a baby can understand. I remember reading on Caroline Mutoko’s fan page when she adopted her baby Theodore and I couldn’t help but be pissed at all the vitriol people where spreading all over the comment section. Some even had the gull to comment on the poor child’s photo just hateful stuff. Smh! What even depressed me more was when even women got on the hate bandwagon…seriously!!! When men were nasty I didn’t mind so much but when a fellow woman did, it was just down right nasty. I don’t see anything wrong with adopting a baby. Personally if I find out that am barren I will definitely adopt one in a heart beat. You can love an adopted baby just as you can love your own if not more. I would rather have a child adopted than have them raised in the orphanages where they are so many that it is hard to give them one-on-one attention. I have seen people give birth to children who they treat so badly that you wouldn’t know they are their flesh and blood. Theodore is really better off with Caroline as she can take good care of her and give her opportunities which most people can only dream about. Let’s say Caroline can’t have kids of her own (am not saying she can’t) but let’s say it was not possible, do you know how those comments are hurtful? I mean people get married to people who they are not related to and can love them with their all, why is it any different when it comes to loving an adopted child? 

 

If you do not have a child at a certain age, you will be despised by people as they interpret this as being selfish of you. I’m in my late twenties and already am receiving some kind of different treatment from people who don’t understand why at my age I do not have any children. I have also noticed that some of my married friends form cliques where they meet to bond over their having children. I remember one of my single friends telling me how when her pal gave birth everything changed. All their conversations is about her baby and how cute she is. Sometimes she calls to ask for advice and the conversation quickly changes into how her baby is doing. It has reached a point where all her friends avoid her because she just won’t shut up about her bundle of joy. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong about talking about your newborn; just don’t bore people with it especially those who don’t have kids. 

 

So ladies, there is nothing wrong with having a baby, it is hard work and all but at the end of it all it is really worth it. All I ask it that don’t rule it out yet! 

 

Ps. There are women who have been called to work in demanding jobs that having a child is not possible (Maybe not every one was meant to have a child) this post is not for you, but you are welcome to read it again.lol

Sam Cooke

I love hip hop very much. I love listening to rap music not only for the beats but for the words too. So the first time i heard about Sam Cooke was in the rap hook by Snoop Dogg in the song 'i can change' in which he collaborated with John legend. I got curious so i looked up on who Sam Cooke was and i stumbled on his song "Change gone come" and i immediately fell in love with him, that is before if found out about his life and tragic death which you can read  here and i thought it was so sad that he had to go that way...sigh!

A lot of people have also done a rendition of this song including Luther Vandross,Al green, Aretha Franklin, Billy Preston, R. Kelly and Lauryn Hill. Of course my favorite rendition is Lauryn Hill's. Sam cooke was not only talented but also fine too check this out. Anyways have a listen to this song then tell me what you think. ta ta

Dumped for being too hot

I was taking a fart-walk after overindulging in some good food with one of my pals a few days ago in my new neighbourhood. As we were walking we came across this cute young couple, who couldn’t have been more than 20 years old. Am guessing they completed their form four exams last year and waiting to join university. They looked so good together, tickling each other and giggling. Oh, young love! I think this is the age when love is true because they genuinely love each other. They got no money in the bank account or health insurance of their own- nobody wants anything from the other as they actually believe love is enough. I think that’s why love survived during our forefathers’ times as they married young without too many expectations.

Anyway my friend made this comment “ai kwani what did that guy see in her?” Apparently the dude was too hot to have a chiq that looks like that. To me I thought she was okay but my friend didn’t think so. So according to her theory we should each date people in our league in regards to looks. I always thought that if I married a hot dude it would be awesome since he would look good draped in my arms and we would have cute babies together but now am starting to think that maybe that’s not such a good idea.

I have checked various blogs and it seems like my pal’s theory may actually be true. If your lover is very attractive people judge you harshly especially if you are a woman. If you read about the people’s comments on TI’s reality show and his wife Tiny, people really harshly judge Tiny’s looks. They are wondering what rapper T.I. saw in her seeing as according to their standards she ain’t in his league which personally I think is a cruel thing to say.

The same has been said about Trace Ellis Ross and Bu Thiam, Vivica fox and her younger boo among other famous people. It even gets worse when people compare you with your lover’s ex. So not only should you date a guy less hot than you but if he is in your league, then his ex should also not be hotter than you O.o? There was also a certain blog where one made a comment that Will Smith’s ex-wife was way cooler than Jada which I think is very unfair too but who listens to me anymore?smh

My pal also tells me that there are even hot guys who like dating “plain Janes” because they ingia box haraka and make dating easy. They also bend over backwards to please their hot boo so that they are not dumped…really???? I mean if I wasn’t convinced earlier that this theory sucks ass then this comment really scared the hell out of me! Reminds me of Barney in ‘How I met your mother’ who preyed on women with low self esteem (Btw has Ted finally met the ‘mother’? I stopped watching after season 4 when he still hadn’t yet met the mother)

So next time you are in a club trying to holla at some chiq na she gives you sura ya ndimu, it may because you are way out of her league. Yes men! You can be dumped by a chiq for being too hot. The worse thing about all this is that men are not that strict when it comes to picking lovers even if they are considered to be below their league. They always take happiness and love where they can find it even if it means dating a not-so attractive woman which means we have been relegated the duty of doing the dumping when the man is considered too hot for us. Why is dating getting complicated each and every day? What with all these new rules being added to the ever growing dating rules list every time I blink.

But I have one question though, how do I know a guy is way hotter than me? I mean if a woman is hot I can know by looking at her hair, face, figure etc but for a man what do I look for especially since we are not exactly the same in terms of structure. And what happens when a woman suffers from high self esteem like me and you think you are all that and a bag of chips and then some like me. When you suffer from the feeling that you are hot and maybe people around you don’t think so too. Is there like a beautiful-o-meter that can weigh or tell me on a scale if am hot or not?

vickys secret

I have a confession to make. It’s not really a secret as such seeing as so many people know already, or at least they found out last week! I normally wear these cute spongy bras, which I believe people call the “wonder bra”. They usually come with some extra gel like thingy added at the base of the cup to give small chested women some boost (read the illusion of having bigger breast). It lifts and separated the bossoms and gives me the much needed cleavage. They are very expensive so I only have like two of those in my closet which I only wear when am going out.

So last week my pals made a surprise visit and called me to join them in town. Unfortunately my “wonder bras” were dirty so I had to wear the other regular ones. I thought my friends wouldn’t notice but if they did it wouldn’t matter since they love me to deff! No sooner had I sat down than one of my pals pointed out my “small girls” and everyone started giving in their two cents on how am always false advertising when I put on my other bras, ati size matters and stuff. Some ninja even decided to give us TMI by saying how if it doesn’t fill his palm its too small, if it spills then breast reduction surgery is an option!. Boy… did they let me have it!

First of all I never wear those bras to intentionally deceive anyone; it’s just that if I don’t wear them I look unproportional considering I have a rhinocerous ass. It’s about accentuating my best features and giving a boost to my not so flattering features. But my friends would hear none of it ( I should change friends already!)

Then one of my friends decides to encourage me by pointing out there are plenty of other beautiful small chested women like Zoe Saldana, Tracee Ellis Ross, Jada Pinkett and Keri Hilson who are making it in their respective careers. The pep talk was going well and I was getting pretty uplifted until he compared me to his cow back as home which he tells me has a small udder but gives him enough milk for family consumption and he sells the rest to his neighbours. Now you see why I like my men quiet? How in the world do you compare a lady (yes I said Lady) to a heifer?

Anyhoo so I figured since I have been found out I might as well come clean! Am a small chested woman and am proud. Good thing my body is flawless thanks to this new cocoa butter lotion that I bought. And I know Jesus is coming for me after Armageddon seeing as the good book says he is coming for a church without blemish-ha in your face haters! lol

random

Apart from my retina-hurting computer screen, life has been kind to me for some time now. If you don’t count yesterday when I went to get my hair permed and wanted to know why my hair goes back to afro even less than a week after the perm and the lady tells me I sweat too much! When I asked her what I can do to make my hair stay straight longer, she tells me I can’t since that’s how I was created. It’s not so much what she said but how she said it, like God made a mistake for making me a heavy-sweater (is this English?).

Come to think of it I have been having a lot of night sweats and Dr.Google reckons am suffering from menopause. A lil birdie told me that menopause comes as early these days and I need to double my effort at getting me a baby daddy or maybe even freeze my eggs seeing as am quickly approaching thirty. My birthday is 19th May (hint) so I have like two and a half months to do that, thank God for reminders on my phone.lol.

So anyways the results for 2011 K.C.S.E results were announced and of course the best school was from Nyanza just as I had predicted( ok I didn’t but I want to ride on their thunder). The students and teachers from Maranda High School were so excited that they ran out of the school compound into town to celebrate and there was no one to interview when reporters were sent to their compound for a story.

My girls are making endless jokes about how us people from Nyanza have weird ways of celebrating. Yes we are people! I will be the first to admit, we celebrate anything that makes us the talk of town. It’s only in Nyanza baby...only in Nyanza…! Imagine what will happen when Agwambo becomes president, life as you know it in Kenya will come to a stand still. First there will be a fish shortage in all meat shops, all taxi’s owned by luos will not be open for business...heck even Nairobi stock Exchange will stop its operation. We will be carrying Agwambo at weird angles on our shoulders as he tours the whole country to let everyone know what is up!

Sadly my old high school Bahati Girls was nowhere to be seen anywhere in top ten..sob..sob… But it’s all good, maybe next time. The funny thing I have encountered living in Nairobi is that the high school you went to means a lot to guys. People actually brag about the high school they went to when you meet like in social places. If only I knew all the nicknames they have for all the schools, I have heard of patch, changes…sigh, think im getting too old. And apparently if you went to a school like Alliance or Starehe they actually expect you to have gotten an A in all your grades. Oh, discrimination never ends, its just changing its face and becoming even more ridiculous.

Amy Winehouse

Although Amy Winehouse like Whitney made certain decisions and wrong choices in her life that led her to live a destructive life, she has sang some pretty cool music. The things i admire most about her lyrics is that they are brutally honest and they have stories behind them. Like her song 'What is it about men' she talks about her parents broken marriage and how it affected her to a point that she (in her words) says she'll take the wrong man as naturally as she sings. The other of my favourite song is 'You know am no good' where she is brutally honest to a guy about all her weakness and how she knows her behaviour hurts him. The video is even more sad than the lyrics. The song sounds like the theme song for the tv series 'Diary of a call girl'.

Below is also a great song which was given to Amy winehouse and she sang it beautifully. It was written by a man from the UK who had gone to America and met some lady who later on got into trouble for drunk driving, so now he is back in the UK and thinking about the girl, wondering what she is doing(did she pay the fine?, did she get a good lawyer? did she change the colour of her hair?)and if she could come over because he really wants to see her. Now you see if you don't know the story behind most of her songs it is really hard to understand where she is going with the lyrics.Anyways have a listen and tell me what you think!