Happy New Year!!!!

He who called you will do it because he is faithful.
1 Thessalonians 5:24

Finally, we are about to get to the new year...

Despite all that has happened in our lives, we can testify that God has been faithfully to get us this far. The last week has been particularly hard for me as i have had to bite my tongue seeing as i had made a resolution...

Which brings me to my next point. I think sometimes resolutions do more harm than good. For example when you resolve to do something and fail to do so and you are unable to do so you feel worse than you did before.

But still there is no harm in planning ahead for your life and having something to work towards.Just make them reasonable and inspiring to help you look forward to waking up every morning. Try to be happy and guard your heart against anything that will compromise your health and happiness.

If you were doing anything last year and you weren't getting any results then its time to change strategy. Because you know what they say if you keep doing what you have been doing you will keep getting what you have been getting. Which is crazy if you think about it. Things are hard now in Kenya but we will make it through like we always have.

Stay away from procrastination which will undermine any progress your making in any area of your life

Remember to pray often...

Play hard, worked harder, love more and laugh often.
I wish you all the best. May you find happiness and all that your heart desires.
Happy New Year. God Bless you!

Misfits

So i had this brilliant idea to make my kid sister read 'The Catcher and the rye' and in return i could watch any movie she chose for me. Of course she refused to read the book saying it's boring(what can a woman do to make these kids read these days?)

Anyway the movie she chose for me was 'MISFITS'. At first i was a bit skeptical because it started out as the usual act of nature happening an people(a couple of delinquent young adults doing community service) getting super powers blah blah blah. But as it progressed it got really funny not mentioning their British accents. My favourite character is Nathan he is both annoying and amusing at the same time.

He is so disgusting that it ain't even funny but if you find time please watch a couple of episodes and you will see what i mean. It's so funny how everyone but him sees whats wrong with him except him. The triple-myself story made it so hard for me to watch the movie while eating, so whatever you do don't bother eating while watching, yes,that includes popcorns too. Trust me it won't go down well.

Below is a small part to give you a taste of what it is all about.LMAO

Merry Christmas everyone

I have had the best day with family...well almost...
See the idiot baker in out village ruined our cake...check it

I remember asking for a "Merry Christmas"written on top of the cake but this dude decided to do it his way. But because its christmas i won't be a B. Any hoo check out this Christmas photos that made me almost pee in my pants.ha ha ha

santa done lost his mind.lol.

and this

do it upside down

loved this one from pepsi

save the knickers

Forget the panda, forget the white rhino, it's the knickers that you should be saving. I mean people are always trying to save the wild animals and all, how about saving something for a woman for a change? Look what they have done to the knickers??

Remember what they did to the petticoat? First they shortened it, then halved it

and before we knew it BAM- it was gone!
Save the knickers i say...

boys, y u no let us keep the knickers?

It was love at first read. How did i know it was love you ask? i felt it deep in my pants.lol. The time was 1500hrs, the place was my village salon. What was i going to do there? i was going to get my roots done(read was going to put peroxide on my nappy hair to make it straight like(insert any straight thing here) because my mama and my mentor thought my afro won't land me any jobs as i wont be taken seriously*which i think is bull, but then again who am i to bite the hand that feeds me*) I was a bit nervous as i had had horror stories of people dying in the drier or going bald after their scalp got burned by the chemicals.

Then i picked up the issue of TRUELOVE and thanks to fate i immediately turned to the back where there was an article by Biko. The funniest thing is i thought that Biko was South African, don't ask me why because all i know was that day was the best day of my life, i never even felt the peroxide burning my scalp until the next day when i woke up with red burn scars along my hairline.

From then on i started going to the salon frequently just to read the articles at the back by Biko until i came a long a blog that led me to another blog that had his blog, bikozulu.wordpress.com on the blog roll where i have been trying to catch up with his earlier articles. I can't decide which is funnier, the articles or the arguments in the comments section. I swear Kenyans are hilarious! What i don't get though is how some people can hate on him and he writes so beautifully. I mean the dude can write about a goat or amoeba and still manage to be funny as hell.

He even made me watch the TV series MADMEN because he kept quoting it all over the place. When i first watched it on KTN i kinda hated it from the first episodes. I found it way too serious as it explored the complex relationship between husband and wife which made me think way too much. And the weird conversations between guys at the office..BORING! And the dude playing Mozart with his trouser zipper..really? But because Biko loved it, now i love it too...yeah yeah...yeah...am a stalker.sue me. If he says i go jump in a lake, i will go jump(If that ain't love then i don't know what love is!)

Sometimes i feel like adding my comments or send an email but i have seen all the requests he gets in the comments section that am afraid to add to this already busy list. It's sorta like in DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES when Bree's dentist husband went to a party and as soon as he said he was a dentist people start opening their mouth showing him all their teeth problems and asking for diagnosis. Gross! So am guessing wherever Biko goes people are always like please look at my blog blah..blah..blah...He even provides his email for people to reach him, i mean how cool is that? I have never seen any veteran writer do that. So how could i not fall in like with him people? how could i not? The fact that he is the first dude i have "met"who admits to having read 'The catcher in the rye' is just icing on this cake.

I have bookmarked his blog on my phone. I read it in the loo, at the salon,at the bank queue, at K.P.L.C., at church(well i almost did, the pastor locked eyes with me and i logged off immediately)I sleep with Biko and wake up with him on top of me (the phone i mean you perv.lol)I can't wait to catch up with the other readers(read groupies). The stories that i remember the most are abandoned, Amoeba and Beetles and goodbyes. I have even kept my favourite knickers which i had planned to throw on stage when he eventually comes to the local college in my village to give a talk on writing( a girl can dream can she?). That was until i read the article Where Biko expresses his hatred for knickers and it broke my heart. Biko cut me...he cut me real deep! Then i got to the comments and the Knicker-bashing fest continues...

I love knickers. Especially the big ones that reach all the way up above my mokonyo(to help tame my wild pouch) and extend all the way down to cup my ass. It helps reduce the jiggling and hide them dimples. Don't get me wrong, i love dimples, just not on the ass.

But why do men hate the knickers so much though? I mean what did knickers ever do to you except keep the you-know-what safe for you huh? You see big women like me need all the support they can get. As an old spinster everything isn't where it used to be, they are all going south(if you know what my mean). All a girl wants is support, is that too much to ask? I hate thongs, the only time i will ever wear them is on my feet(thong sandals). Its called a string damhit(G-string). Would you wear a string on your body? I didn't think so!Try walking around with a string up your ass and tell me how it feels. I mean...

I have put peroxide in my hair just for you men

I wear a bra that supposed to be wonderful and had circulation around my bossom constricted(explains why older women suffer from breathing related diseases) just for you.

I shave places that the sun don't shine and suffer from itchy ingrown hair just for you.

I scrub my face with some granules just for you

I damn near choked on the fumes from nail polish removers and cutex(you know what i mean) just for you

I walk around sucking in air and holding in my stomach all to give me the illusion of a flatter stomach just for you

I even brush my teeth twice a day to manage my mild halitosis just for you

I trim my uni brow with tweezers (which hurts like a mf)twice a month just for you

I have even put another woman's hair(weaves) on my head just for you

I have had my hair braided so tight it gave me Chinese eyes just for you

Damhit! i have even squeezed into my kid sisters clothes just for you guys

I sleep with a slimming belt and can't even dream or snore like i used to just for you

There's a chunk of meat missing in my ear where i put my earrings, i did it just for you.

Recently i have picked up skipping rope to loose the fat around my abdomen just for you.

I am going to change my last name for you and carry an alien in my uterus just for you

I will even endure the stretch marks post pregnancy just for you candy yams

Is it too much to ask that i keep the knickers pebbles? pretty please...

would you please stop trying to be my friend already?

A friend(noun)- is someone who you know, like and trust.

I have just read this story where this rich woman saw some poor kid playing with a worn out toy car and decided to buy him a new one. He was so happy that the woman felt compelled to buy him lots of toy cars. During the next visit, she found him playing with his worn out car again. When she asked him why he didn't want to play with the other new once, he simply said,"I don't know how to love a lot of things". Well tonight ladies and gentlemen i admit that I, like the small boy , don't know how to love a lot of things. But for the purposes of this blog, make it i don't know how to love a lot of people. I know my pastor will cringe when he hears me say this.

Its like there is this new wave that is making people feel the need to be friends. your boss wants to be your friend and hang out at the bar, your mother wants to be your friend to share secrets and moshene, your wife wants to be your friend so that you can go shopping together, Your Ex wants to be friends(wtf?), your boyfriend wants to play PS with you and watch football together while you'd rather go watch paint dry or lick your elbows.I have had it up to here(points neck) with that bs.

Personally i think six close friends are enough, you don't have to go around making friends all over the place. Your only obligation to mankind is to be civil to each other and love one another which i think you can do wherever you are. I love Andrea3000 but do you see me going on twitter tryna be his friend? NO!

Women especially are guilty of this.

Always wanting to exchange phone numbers so as to continue friendships. I have so many phone numbers on my phone than i don't know what to do with. Last weekend i was in Kisumu and i hang out with great people, when it came time to leave...yes, the phone numbers ritual started. Now i get phone calls from people who i have nothing in common and have to go through torture as i try to make conversation on the phone. Because apart from the function that brought us together we really don't have anything else to talk about. Now for the love( of anything sacred) please stop trying to be everybody's friend. no, seriously stop!

Now if i have to go through another awkward phone call again and pretend i care am going to kill myself.gawd!

the real reasons why we won't date the good guy

The superman syndrome
This especially gets my goats and makes me wanna go settle at the bottom of the ocean...for real though. Had this great male pal who was always buying me uplifting music, getting me encouraging books...which at first i thought was cute until i discovered he was tryna fix me. Like i wasn't good enough to date so he had to fix me first. (O.k. i have come undone but that's beside the point)We want a boy friend..not a therapist. We have girlfriends for that. This especially a common trait in Christian over-saved boys(if you have never seen an over saved person, then you are the over saved person). You can't save all of us good boys, you can't undo the wrong your fathers and brothers have done to the girls. Just take us as we are and live one day at a time and ignore the chip on our shoulders, with time it will begin to disappear. Try not to step on the emotional land mines and make as explode into big smoke of emotions(gawd! with phrases like this i should have finished my novel already)You can't fix someone, that's for them to do it. You can pour the wine into the jars brethren but only our dear Lord can turn it into wine.


You are nice to everyone
Most nice guys are good to everyone. They are surrounded by lots of friends which include beautiful women with whom you will have to compete for attention. What they do for you they do to everyone so it really hard to know if they like you. Some guy in college used to hang out with me and my girls all the time.He later started acting weird and one of his boys accused me of breaking his heart and honest to God i had no idea. We had never hang out just the two of us and he never ever said anything. So how was i supposed to know? If you like a girl you have to do for her something that you don't usually do to other people...no not that dufus...get the gutter off your mind.

You are not really a good guy, you are just acting
There are good guys and GOOD GUYS! I have read a lot of blogs by dudes whining about how they are nice guys but don't seem to be able to wife a chic.Personally i know nice guys who are not even aware they are nice guys. Good is not what you do, is who you are. Some guys just act nice hoping they will get rewarded for their niceness. Like all good actors sometimes they forget their lines and their true nasty selves come out. Women can get that nasty vibe from you and will stick around for the favours but never give you their hearts. Be nice for niceness sake not because you expect chics to trip over themselves falling for you. Real nice guys don't even know they are good. If you refuse a guys advances and he starts acting like an ass, he was never a nice guy to begin with.

You don't say what you want
Some guy friend of mine was being nice to this chic hoping she will notice that he loves her. When i asked him if he told her how he felt but he said no as he expected the chic to see for herself. I know we women have great instincts but we are no psychics, we can't read your mind. Say what you want clearly and articulately so that we don't get it twisted.Put it all out there...

Too good to be true
I have a friend who is annoyingly nice. He lets me get away with everything, i can call him at anytime of the day and he is always spiffy. I can't point any weakness in him and i have never seen him angry and that to me is abnormal. How can someone be so perfect? Compared to me he's an angel. If he ever asks me i will definitely say no, maybe because i feel i don't deserve him or maybe i think he is pretending to be nice to win me over in which case i will be really pissed when we get together and i discover he a monster,so why even go there? Chelewa for some dates, say no to a woman sometimes, speak your mind, have an opinion. For crying out loud when we do something wrong be mad and express it in words!

If i date you things will change
When a guy is wooing you he is always nice and agreeable and everything is perfect. That is the reason why women play hard to get for long, don't let them tell you different. As soon as you fall for him and get into the relationship routine the nice stuff stop coming. You become part of the furniture in his house. We are always afraid that if we say yes all the privileges will be withdrawn because now you have us where you want. Most of my friends who are married tell me how the mzee stops trying to do the nice little things he used to do. If we hold out for long, we will get to enjoy the pampering for a little longer.

He is a welcome home door mat
Most good guys don't have cohones.They let everybody walk over them from family, friends, boss etc. this is the kind of guy who won't protect you when his family or friends start meddling in your personal affairs. When you get together with him people will assume you are alike and will start walking all over you too. He will skip dates to hang out with the boys, he will use the family emergency fund to bail out a friend, your children will be indisciplined as he won't back you up, your house will become a casino where you will be entertaining guests from Monday to Sunday all because your our Mr.right doesn't know how to say no.

blu ray

Look what somebody did to Ray Charles. Why? oh Why?

celebrity couples

we all know these celebrity couples that look so good together

Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker
Married in May 2005. Have two kids daughter Sophie and son Nicholas. Have struggled with their daughter who suffers from a condition called spina bifida and managed to stay close as a family.

Seal and Heidi Klum
Met when Heidi was pregnant then later got married in May 10, 2005.
They have three biological kids together Henry born2005, Johan 2006 and daughter Lou in 2009.

Jimmy and Cathy Gathu
Married for over 10years and are in the lime light but have managed to make it work

Barrack and Michelle Obama
They are now a household name. Got married in october 1992 blessed with two daughters Malia born 1998, Natasha in 2001

Nameless and Wahu
Both well knowm artists met in college. Married in september 2005, have one daughter Tumiso Nyakweya

Denzel and pauletta Washington
Married in June 1983 blessed with four kids. Over twenty years together in hollywood is quite an achievement which is more than we could say for Kardashian.

JayZ and Beyonce
Dated for over five years and married secretly in April 2008 and are currently expecting their first child.

Will smith and Jada Pinkett
One of the most celebrated couples in the world although there has been rumours of them splitting up but stll they look good together. They got married in 1997. They have two biological children together. Jayden born 1998 and Willow born in 2000

Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi
They got married on 16th August 2008 at Ellens home in Beverly hills. Aren't they adorable????

Snoop Dogg and Shante Taylor
I can't believe i forgot these two. They were high school sweet hearts got married in May 21, 2004. They separated then reconciled later. They have three kids corde, cordell and cori. I love his reality show Snoop Dogg's fatherhood

V BOZEMAN

Have you ever had something so good that you couldn't tell nobody? That keeping it to yourself feels so wrong...yet telling it is also wronger?

I dunno..like a tattoo on your bum...or a new cute under wear...or something?

Well today it happened to me. I stumble upon something that gave me the goosies(read goose bumps) and i didn't know if its ok to put it here but what the hell...

Ladies and gentlemen,gays and bi's, boys and girls, kids and pets...I introduce to you Veronika Bozeman who sings like an angel with the body of a goddess.

The video is a bit nawty, so just appreciate the creativity behind(omg i said behind.lol) and have an open mind.Please have a listen...



What made me love her even more is that she loves Shirley Caesar. Anybody who loves Shirley is cool with me.

Apart from being a singer she doubles up as a model. Isn't she gorgeous?

Every time i searched for her the name Timothy Bloom keeps coming up...mmmmhh! I wonder why...

Any ways for more information check out www.visionsofv.com or www.thatgirlv.com.
goodday

of vampires and bad boys

i know ...i know ...you are tired of listening to me going on and on about vampires but i can't stop myself..is like my fingers are possessed...somebody stop me.Or not! Today i compare vampire's behaviour to bad boy's. For ladies only!!!

They enter the house only when invited
You allowed the bad boy in your life. Don't blame anyone.

Shape shifts into other creators
Notice how he could be gentle and sweet one minute and an ass hole the next minute?

They are sensitive to light, don't come out during the day or take photos
He hates PDA's, never wants to be seen with you in public.sounds familiar?

Has no reflections in the mirror
He leaves and there is no evidence of him being there, no toothbrush, no shirt,nada!

Must sleep on the soil of his native land
Explains why he leaves/or makes you leave before the sun comes up.

Repelled by garlic
He don't want your cooking.He don't want to play house with you!

Hides during the day and are more active at night
Notice how he is always looking for you at night but never during the day.

Repelled by holy symbols: crucifix, rosary or holy water
They are creatures of darkness and most of them don't believe in God coz they think they are gods.

Heightened sense of hearing
Explains why they can discern your moods and know what to say to reel you in.

Vampires are people who died violent deaths
Every bad boy has a bad history of hurt, broken homes, girl who broke his heart..etc

Hate silver
Explains why he don't want to put a ring on it.

Both have breath taking looks and are as sexy as hell
thats why they were able to get your attention in the first place.

When they bite you you become a vamp too
Don't ask me how but once a chick dates a bad boy they become bad too.

They are cold to touch with eyes hollow with no life nor warmth
They don't have souls, thats why they can hurt you without batting an eyelid.

They are strong without working out.Pretty much conquered death and achieved mortality. See how they live on the fast lane coz they think they are gonna live forever.

have powers to control your mind
Thats how they get you to do stuff you would not ordinarily do.

They need blood to survive
Being with him is so draining emotionally and sometimes financially.

Inspires fear in everyone
Explains why you are unable to leave him

Tafakari hayo
ta ta

who is your daddy?

...Mother's baby, father maybe...

Ladies and gentlemen am going to tell you something every parent should tell their kids in this century. Never, ever, ever, ever ask any body the above question.yes. 'who is your daddy' unless you are married to that person and she is of the female persuasion and you are engaging in some "senior relations".

Let me give you a short(read long) story before i get back to this.
You see as an old spinster, most of my friends are either engaged, married or are with child right now as we speak. So one day i decided to accompany one of my BFF's to the Department of Registry of births and Deaths(cant remember the right word) #blondealert. The queue was long... the office had no windows...we were so close to each other we exchanged epithelials... the guard at the customers desk kept shoving us around to get us into our queues.

Anyway we managed to finish everything by three in the afternoon after going in at 10am. At least it was not as bad as in KRA. When we came back the next day, the geniuses as gotten the name of the baby wrong. I know there's a difference between 'Wanjiru' and 'Wanjiku'. So we were sent to another room for corrections and the lady told us to wait. Me being the moshene that i am struck up a conversation with the lady next to me. Apparently they had written 'BRAIN' instead of 'BRIAN'. who does that? only in Kenya people! only in Kenya! So i craned my neck to look at the father's section and i saw this XXXXXXX. Again me and my big mouth shouted, "those people have gotten the name of the father wrong too". I would have gone on if my pal hadn't pinched me on my thigh to remind me to shut it. Later on i was told that's what they do when the girl refuses to give up the sperm donors name. really? how about NON APPLICABLE? MIA? ZERO? NADA? I dunno something more interesting.

So see people never ask anyone about their fathers as there are alot of people being raised by single mothers and where there's a father, most of the time he is there but never really there...you get what i mean?

I remember during my teaching practice i worked with this guy who was always in chaos. No chalks, lesson plans always missing...always confused until one day i went cold turkey on his ass. He later shared with me how when he was young his mother got married so many times, he changed his last name so many times that he forgot what his first last name was. He tells me his real dad's face is now a blur. Whenever his mama had an argument with the new father they would run with their little belongings in the a plastic bag until his mama falls in love again. All this story i got to know all because i just had to open my big mouth and ask "who is your daddy"

A few days again i was joking to some guy that its about time he took me home to see his parents. This is how the small conversation went...

Him: I cant
Me: Can't or Won't?
Him: i just cant.
Me: why? am i not good enough for your parents?
Him: er ...they are dead.

...awkward silence...

Now i have promised my self to never ever ask any body about their fathers unless they volunteer and i would advice you to do the same. Some of the stories are gut wrenching i tell you.
ta ta
ta ta lovely people

hello December! we have been expecting you.

Happy new month people! At least i hope it is for you...yours truly has malaria and the flu combined.

...Again cue the violins people...

Right now as i speak i have about 7tablets in front of me staring at me as i gather the courage to ingest them. Find a happy place...Vicky...find a happy place...the tablet is your friend...the tablet is your friend...

I've read the side effects(someone please tell me why i do this to myself?) There's diarrhoea, nausea and vomiting... The wait for it...low sex drive. duh! When you got body rejects coming from both ends i doubt any man would like to be within a radius of 2meters around. You see how they run for cover when the red robot comes? Or how they whiz past the sanitary towels counter like its going to bite them? And of course feeling sexy is the last thing on your mind!

Anyway the sky has not fallen. i will be well.this malaria won't defeat me.I am a malaria survivor. ok now am just being stupid.
goodnight lovely people.