My dream wedding

Today I write a soppy post. I have always had a little yen for weddings. Always. Although most spinsters my age have given up on ever doing a church wedding. They tell me to try get myself preggers then move in with ninja and get it over and done with. You would think all these talk would deter yours truly but noooo... I’m gonna drag ninja’s behind down the aisle even if it damn near kills him.

Yep! Ladies, men don’t know what they want- so it is our job to tell them what they want. Yes, that includes, walking down the aisle. That’s why they came up with the phrase “better half.” We are the better halves. Beyonce was right, we run this matha... They all want to get married; they just don’t know it yet! Very soon I will be releasing a book titled “how to drug your man down the aisle” it will be at bookstores and supermarkets near you.

Now forget come-we-stay-and-see-whether-we-like-it bull and all that jazz. That isht is for the birds. God did not make your fine ass to settle for that BS. Ati love in our hearts. What’s the point of being in love if you can’t show off your object of your affection to all and sundry? Besides on the wedding day them trifling-boyfriend-snatching heifers will keep off your man as he is spoken for. You better drag his ass down the aisle. 

The wedding has to be done your way so they better put it in their bong (pipe is so mainstream) and smoke it. Do not let anyone stand between you and your dream wedding, yes even your betrothed. Put your foot down. Yes, even if it means knocking him over the head unconscious with a skillet cave man style then by jove do it doll face. 

You are going to have that wedding even if it damn near kills him. By any means necessary, Machiavelli style.

Anyhoo I was writing an article for someone about weddings and while going through various websites I couldn’t help but dream about my dream wedding. I went all J.D (remember SCRUBS series) and couldn’t concentrate on the project at hand.

So this is how my dream wedding is going to be. You may want to grab a chair; this is going to be long.

I used to say I would be the first bride in Kenya to wear white pants complete with a tiny top but I know grandma would have a hernia if the women’s guild at church saw me like that so forget I even brought it up.

I’m thinking for the dress maybe a replica of the sequined wedding dress that Beyonce wore in the music video of ‘the best thing I never had’ song. Yes with all the gold shiny thingys n sh*t (dreamer much). I just hope it will hold my bosom...you know seeing as I am small-chested and all.

But come to think of it, my rhinoceros hips may not fit so maybe the dress singer Estelle wore with lots of hip room, in the music video “American Boy” featuring rapper Kanye West will have to do.

I am thinking Mr.jaber3000 should walk down the aisle in nothing but a loin cloth but I know my prudish family & friends will give me grief over it. And I would never hear the end of it for as long as I live; besides for some reason most men my age these days have let themselves go so maybe their pouch will ruin the photos.

However, If my wish is granted and Mr. Right has a body like a gladiator (think rapper Nelly or LL cool J) he will never wear a shirt EVER! I won’t even have to save for a washing machine y’all, them washboards abs will be enough.

But who cares about the groom, it’s my day...back to me.

I want to wear sparkling earrings that shine every time the sun’s rays hits it just right...yes mine will be an outdoors wedding. Now the bridesmaids will definitely wear orange dresses with gold shoes (don’t ask me how it will work. But they better make it work or otherwise they are dead to me). If you want to know the shade of orange that am referring to, check out Indie Arie’s ‘Therapy’ music video. You see when they dress in all orange they will look like tangerines rolling down the aisle.

I fux with sunflowers so no roses or gardenias or any of those weird looking flowers I normally see on wedding shows. I think sunflowers are not only beautiful but useful too, they are the only flowers that make sense to me and I can’t for the life of me understand why people in the weddings I see have never thought of it.

For the music am torn between Josh Groban’s- When you say you love me, Tracy chapman - Open arms or you are the one, Luther vandross- Amazing, Brad paisley and Carrie Underwood – Remind me, John Legend- cross the line (mama will think the lyrics will cross the line*nudge nudge*) gawd! there are so many good songs..

But if I can’t make up my mind we will do the old default wedding song that everybody knows and save the rest for the reception.

For the vows am torn between two, I would show you but I don’t want to bore you with more mushy stuff. Moving on! The cakes should be sunflower designs.

 (Speaking of cakes... I would like better if we dig into some breast...chicken breast I mean, instead of the cake. I hate the icing sugar they normally put in cakes...too sugary for my taste and it goes straight to my hips anyway, that is, if I don’t get the runs first. Or maybe even some ol’ good fish! Who said that we all have to cut some cake for the wedding????)

At the reception we’d better do the shuffle like they do in Tyler Perry movies and if anyone goes out of sync with the rest, I guess he/she will have to turn in early because he will be shown the door piyo piyo.

 But seriously though I want my wedding to be a carnival like the cop in the movie “BRIDESMAIDS” said. No stress just people having fun eating and drinking with some great music. I’m I asking for too much here people?

Kamman boys, the friendzone is not so bad

I had to borrow this photo.LMAO!

Ok I apologize for making fun of friendzoned people but kamman boys, the friend zone doesn’t have to be such a bad thing now. For those who can handle such relationships believe it or not there are perks you can enjoy. Besides the lady might just be trying to put you through “purgatory” before she lets you have her heart and all. 

Maybe if you play your cards right you might just win her heart after all- but don’t hold your breath though.

So if you decide to settle in your friend-zone and enjoy it, here are the benefits for you my dear friend:

1. She can help you meet the girl of your dreams

Girls like moving in groups and have a nice circle of girl friends. If she don’t want you there might be another girl in her crew who might be ready to get some loving from you. Women trust men who are introduced to them by other women more. They assume the fact that he is her friend then he might be nice so they will be more receptive to listening to your lines. You won’t have to work as hard as  you would have if you met the lady alone. The lady she introduces you to is most likely a nice one seeing as she is your friend, there is no way she would deliberately deceive you. Ain’t nothing like a beautiful “wing-man”!

(But be careful, coz it is a tricky situation. if every thing goes wrong you might lose you gal pal too, coz women are loyal to their girl friends like that)

2. When you need a date to couples events

If you are invited to a couples only meeting and you need a lady ASAP, your lady friend will be most likely be happy to accompany you. The good thing is that if the event ends up being boring, you will still get to have loads of fun with your new bff. You are also able to get admission into to couples only activities that can be for fun things like applying for the Amazin Race, Fear Factor etc.

3. Home cooked meals

If you’re tired of the take away food you can get some great stodgy home cooked meals from your gal pal once in a while. Women always cook for their friends so you can take advantage of this. Plus the fact that she knows that you like her, she kinda feels guilty for making you suffer so she over compensates by being over nice hopping to assuage your feelings of rejection. You can maximize on the guilt she feels by getting these little things.

But don’t stretch it, you might be shown the door!

4. Get inside information

You can ask for advice especially when you are having problems with a new love interest. They are able to be honest with you in a way that your friends of the same sex can’t be. They are able to shoot from the hip because they have no ulterior motives but your best interest at heart. If they hit it off and they are friends, your gal pal will shed light on some stuff happening with your girlfriend sometimes without even knowing it. They can also give advice to help you win the affections of the woman you are pursuing or solve dating dilemmas. Getting a woman’s opinion on some things can also go along way in helping you avoid make some dumb mistakes. There are also some things which are too awkward to ask your male friends.  A very good example it when you want to buy a shirt and you are not really sure it’s appropriate for the occasion you are buying it for; your gal pal will choose for you.

5. Understand women a little more

You also get an insight into the complicated workings of a woman. It wouldn’t hurt to understand the women’s side of things. They help you decipher some things which may not be obvious to you or you find confusing in women. It’s not what she says but how she carries her self, her idiosyncrasies and quirks. There are those things about women you will be able to pick up by hanging out with a lady. You will also develop skills that will help you in your next relationship. For example being a good listener and tolerance for chewing the fat and little gossip.

6. Share expenses

True gal pal will be able to bail you out when you are in financial trouble; especially when you do not want to trouble your boys or family with your fiscal issues. You know that they won’t pressure you to pay it back assuming, she also borrows stuff from you. You can split drinks and food etc when you go out and save on money. If you are in the same building, you can share utilities and when they have guest over they can borrow stuff from you and vice versa! The lady also feels safe knowing there is a man she can trust living in the same building in case something happens.

7. Good filter

They can be a great filter in that you can intro your new boo to them first before she meets the rest of the family. You know a way of seeing your new love out of her element and how she relates to other people. Your friend will also be able to give it to you straight if your new friend is great or suspect. There are things or behaviours that women can pick up that men are oblivious about when they are head over heels. Your gal pal will be able to see how your girlfriend is treating you before giving her blessing. It will save you the embarrassment of introducing a crazy girl to your mama.

8. Get comfort/companionship

Women are fiercely loyal, and when they are your friends they will take good care of you. The lady can help provide comfort when you are feeling down and lonely freely as they know they do not have to give anything in return. They can also be great confidants as they are more sympathetic. You will feel free to emote as she wont judge you seeing as she has no romantic interest in you. It’s nice knowing you have some feminine company where there are no pressures or expectations whatsoever. This companionship can be also fulfilling and fun for the both of you. There are movies, shopping, cooking, road trips to enjoy with your gal pal talking about sundry stuff.

You will get intimacy without being intimate... you know what I mean? No? Ok moving on...

Although men find it hard to separate friendship from romance, (as they don’t really care to know what puts a woman together-all they know is that they want and need her) it wouldn’t hurt to try and cultivate healthy relationships with the opposite sex and enjoy the aforementioned benefits. It is very healthy to have at least one friend of the opposite sex especially for those who are single. If you are married, that boat already sailed, your wife should be your bff!

Now wipe that frown off your face and try to enjoy the friend zone area nicca, the sky has not fallen... YET!

Ps if you insist on pursuing a romantic relationship, know that there is no going back. You can’t take it back. You might lose the friendship too. It’s very dicey ergo the reason why you should tread carefully.

 Wish you luck!

friendzone purgatory

If I had a dollar for anytime I heard a ninja whingeing about how he has been friend zoned I would be in the black. There is nothing as frustrating as being friend zone by a lady when you are harbouring unrequited feelings. Oh! The torture!

She air kisses you like your skin is contagious and all you can think of is shoving your tongue down her throat and play some tonsil tennis, tongue hockey n maybe throw in some groping championships. Every time she sits too close, you can smell her hair you go insane. When she touches you ooooh! Your loins are on fire. It takes all your energy to restrain from putting her on the table and spreading her like butter. She arouses emotions in you that you never even thought you had.

And like Lamar you ask yourself is there any justice in the world?

You love her from the crown of your head to the salt of your marrow all the way down to the soles of your feet but she don’t know! You think about her all night and dream about her all day.  You want to give her everything, the world even (that is, if you could) But she won’t let you. She tells you she wanna be friends when in your head you are thinking you want to do things to her(or is it for her?) that you don’t do to your friends. Ouch! 

You pay a kings ransom for exotic dinner and she barely touches it. Instead she is busy nibbling on the stupid salad. You take the long route home so that you drop her and her gaggle of friends home and they jump off with not so much as a thank you. In fact through out the whole ride she either has her head phones on or catching on some gossip with the girls. You are left to stare at the number plates of the cars in front of you to entertain yourself. 

 

You are handsome, amiable, have some cash and try to be in your best behaviour around her? But she still won’t let you in. And you wonder what you are doing wrong. She tells you, she loves you like a brother and in your head your thinking how you have more sisters than you know what to do with. Her rejection leaves you feeling inept and destroys what’s left of your already fragile ego. Winning her love is like trying to find Atlantis or the Holy Grail! 

gawd! this can make a great soppy country song!

You immediately go homicidal when you see some dude chatting her up and you already have a few places in mind where you would dump his body if you kill him. You wish she could look at you the way she looks at the oaf she is pinning for. *Bosco prolly doesn’t even know she exists.

Oh! Life can be so cruel sometimes!

So you are forced to swallow the bitter pill that is you have been FRIENDZONED BABY *Miguna shout*

 Now do you want some juice to down that pill? May be some ice? No? Ok as you were!

-so tonight as you have the second cold shower of the day and sleep in a foetal position with your hands between your legs thinking of “the one that got away before you even had her ” maybe you can put on this song by lemar and think of what could have been!  mmmuuuuhahahaha!

Sexual immorality is not the biggest sin; there I said it, sorry prudes!

I don’t, for the life of me, understand why some people in this country still think sexual immorality is biggest sin in the world. It is a sin like any other in the Bible; you know right up there with stealing, lying, robbing the bank, corruption and killing... you know the usual!

i had to steal this.lol!

There seems to be this feeling that people who are promiscuous are “bad people” or that they are stupid. Personally I have friends who gawa kama njugu and are some of the smartest and most accomplished people I know. I do not think that sex or lack thereof adds or deducts anything from your IQ. I always find it galling how some people are so judging when they talk about people who are promiscuous.

Thing is no one ever sets out to be a cheater or plain promiscuous but after a series of bad choices they find them selves in that predicament. It can happen to anyone and that’s why the Bible warns that those who are standing should check themselves because anyone can easily wreck themselves by being seduced into illicit sexual relationships. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but anyone can be a cheater. What some of us luck is guts, opportunity and resources to make it happen as that song by rapper Juliani says “hawana doe za lojo”

It was only matter of time before the decadent lifestyle we have so embraced from developed countries caught up with us. Its all those people who are acting surprised are the ones who I feel sorry for the most.

A few weeks ago I heard in the news, a pig ignorant couple beat their 13 year old daughter to death after they found her with her boyfriend in the house in Nandi county. According to neighbours, the couple beat the poor child for a whole hour and she succumbed to internal bleeding on the way to the hospital. The rage they had against their besotted daughter clouded their judgement. Not only did their judgmental asses lose their daughter but now they are going to spend the rest of their lives known as the couple who murdered their daughter.

(Although I heard the father was sentenced to 8 hrs in prison) SMH

This shows you just how much parents need to teach children about safe sex as opposed to pretending that our young people are not having sex. Personally I'd rather be promiscuous than a murderer any day.

( I don’t mean to be crass though, I’m just saying)

Now I don’t know if these kind of religious zealots know that killing is also prohibited in the bible. God is just and he will deal with them in due time. You don’t have to agree with people’s lifestyle but they have as much right to be on this earth as you.

God allows the sun to shine on you and them too because of his unconditional love. We all just need to find ways to co-exist with each other and work on the things that we actually agree on. We need to be able to separate the sin from the person. My brother always says that just because you understand and accommodating of others doesn’t necessarily mean you condone their lifestyle choices. It is just treating others as you would like to be treated! Now if your milk of human kindness is starting to cuddle, this is an encouragement to dig deep down in your heart and try again.

I have a friend whose sister is promiscuous and she treats her like a leper. It’s as if she is afraid if she touches her hand she will catch, the promiscuity syndrome like a cold. She speaks to her with so much disdain always castigating just because she is still a virgin. I don’t know why some females feel just because you still have the hymen you are a saint. The hymen had no effect on your character. That bit of skin doesn’t make you less than or better than others.

When I talk to the two, I actually prefer the promiscuous sister because she is so nice you want to eat her. She just happens to make the wrong choices when it comes to men which don’t make her a bad person. When I see her, I choose to see the good person that she is and not her weakness. Because lets be honest we are not exactly paragons of morality either, we have our faults too and we wouldn’t like people to throw them on our faces all day.

A few years ago there was a picture of a pastor and his lover doing rounds on the internet. They were busted while having sex in a hotel, beaten up by the public and paraded naked to punish them. I was appalled at how sanctimonious people were behaving by getting on their high horses and calling them names. The idiots who were circulating the pictures were also making it worse.

I’m not supporting adultery but these two people have family and friends who genuinely care about them who I’m sure did not appreciate the gross picture. This is so hypocritical considering that we have a high rate of HIV/AIDS cases, illegitimate children and broken marriages. Currently millions of people in Kenya are infected with the virus, and these are the ones who have gone to the hospital. I bet there are plenty of others still hiding their condition.

There many of us who aren’t exactly on the straight and narrow, the only difference is that we haven’t been caught yet. No one knows why they did what they did, but we have the law and he should have been given the chance to apologise to his family and congregation then atone for his sins.

In a country where sex is glorified left right and centre what with all these radio stations discussing it every other morning in their subliminal programmes and talk shows. It should not come as a surprise that more young people are now having more sex much to the chagrin of the purist.

We see images of people with great bodies having sex making young people think it’s a cool thing to do. I don’t see anyone protesting! We have bill boards advertising condoms in broad daylight. Every day we are inveigled with adverts with great jingles telling us how condoms will show how we trust each other which is a load of cobblers because if I trust you and you trust me, why use condoms? I mean where, pray, is the sexually transmitted disease going to come from now that we really TRUST each other? The irony is not lost on our very bright canoodling young people, so I don’t know exactly who we are trying to fool.

Still I haven’t seen any religious leader jump in and say they should be taken down which to me shows that they are selective when administering justice.

I always get amused when I hear religious zealots demonize sex. I don’t know which Bible they are reading but my bible says the opposite...

“ For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb and her mouth is smother than oil.”

Proverbs 5:3

Now before you sharpen the pitchforks and burn me at the stake with them torches...let me explain...

Using bogeyman stories to scare young people into celibacy is counterproductive. I remember in high school they used to scare us by showing us pictures of ugly shrivelled pudenda and hear horrifying counts by people suffering from STI’s and HIV/AIDS.

(I don’t know why the department of child services never jumped in to rescue our innocent eyes from viewing such disturbing images)

They also lied how if you are a virgin people will respect you until we reached college when we realized nobody gives a toss what you do with your "chuchu". There was no one going around giving glucose or rewards for those who have stayed sexually pure.

Well we grew up discovered that sex is not as gross as they would like us to believe. God loves everyone. In the bible he even used people who if were in our society now would probably be discriminated against. God still used David and even called him “a man after my own heart” despite the fact that he slept with Uriah’s wife. God still used Abraham despite the fact that he slept with Hagar. Jesus forgave the prostitute who almost got stoned by an irate mob. He even asked those who have no sin to dare cast the first stone. We do not now why some people are addicted to sex or circumstances that led them to adultery. God is able to forgive adulterers just like he forgives everybody else. The key is to be remorseful and try to change your ways. The rest of us can help these people by separating the sin for the sinner. Treating them badly won’t make them change their ways. Ask the personnel in prisons (I think correctional facilities is the PC word used nowadays) how much recidivists they witness every year despite the harsh prison conditions and you will be shocked.

Now the trouble of adultery and premarital sex is not how it feels but the repercussions. The trail or broken hearts and trouble it causes with some even losing their families because of it.

“Her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death...

Proverbs 5:4-5

That is where they should stress on when trying to get young people to practice responsible sexual behaviour. The thing that happens when you have sex with people you are not in relationship with is that eventually you might become desensitized such that you won’t care who you do it with. For the women the results are direr as they are more susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancies and emotional scars like feeling used and being unworthy.people should practise safe sex and be responsible because its the right thing to do.

Parents should just find ways to teach responsible sexually behaviour as opposed to resorting to violence, bogeyman stories, promising imaginary rewards and public humiliation. It hasn’t worked so far from deterring others, has it now?

Sexual immorality is not a big sin for our God.  I love the song Sinners Prayer by Dietrick Haddon that says “am so glad that God still hears a sinner’s prayer”. Don’t write out people who are trapped in sexual sin, God is able to deliver them too.

Coping with a controlling mother

Accept that she might not change
If you look at the title of this post, you will notice that I have used the
word ‘cope’. This means that there is a very high chance that your mama may
never change. Stop hoping she will change. At her age she is too set in her
ways, she gets a pay off from being controlling and has had decades and
decades of practicing/mastering how to manipulate people. You are a few
years late honey. If you are religious and believe in miracles, God will
change them but in the mean time you will need to have some tools how to
cope or manage this difficult mama. Accept the fact that she isn’t a nice
person, despite the fact that she is your mother, painful as it may be. You
cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her.

Have compassion
Understand that your mother is human and maybe picked up this behaviour as
a result of her past. Maybe she is grieving the loss of a loved one, maybe
she is lonely, maybe her husband is cold and distant, or has anxiety
disorder etc. You must pity her because for someone to be this manipulative
she may not be a happy person within herself. She is imprisoned by her
negative thoughts and is just projecting to others through controlling
them. Quit trying to change her, it will only make the situation worse.
Stop hoping that she will change, it may never happen. Just make sure not
to condone or justify her abusing you or feed her habit.

Stop looking for affirmation
The reason why your mother’s behaviour still bothers you is because you are
still looking for affirmation from your judgmental mother. Look for
approval from yourself- not her. Make your decisions with a clear head and
stand by them. When you are confident, she won’t be able to get under your
skin. Do not try to please everyone. When you are an adult, your parents
are relegated to the role of advisers not dictators. They can
suggest/advice but don’t decide for you. Stop looking for approval from
her. It many never come in your life time. Get over it!

Cut the cord
If you live with them, move out NOW! If you live with them they definitely
have lots of control over you. Plus the fact that they now pay the bills,
they have something to lord over you. If they physically abuse you, you may
need to quit your job, move to another town. Whatever you do just get away
from her where she cannot hurt you. Avoid introducing her to your friends
especially those who are sensitive and might not appreciate her behaviour.

Minimize contact
If you are too chicken to severe ties, then minimize the amount of time you
spend with them. Only talk to your controlling mama if you really have to.
Wean her off slowly, don’t go cold turkey because she will want to gain
back control and give you grief. Slowly reduce the number or frequency of
texts, calls, emails etc you send her. Do not be alone with her at any time
always have a buffer person to diffuse the situation that may arise.

Avoid the allies too
If she has family members/friends who spy on you for her, minimize the time
you spend with them so as not to give them material to send back to your
mama. If she wants favours like shopping, mowing the lawn, cleaning the
house etc send other people or pay other people to do them for her. If she
wants help, if you can afford it, hire for her a house help.

Filter information 

If you cannot avoid seeing her, filter the information you share with her.
Be brief when giving answers, keep your distance always.  The less she
knows the less information she has to hurt you with. Don’t tell her about
your life or what you are doing. Steer clear of contentious topics which
leave you both in screaming contests. Block all your profiles on the
internet. Put passwords on everything from your phone to the computer. Do
not pick your phone around her; tell your friends you will call them back
(unless it’s an emergency)

Don’t take favours
Controlling mothers never give any thing for free; they always come to
collect later like Beelzebub. Avoid asking for help in any way and exhaust
all other options first. Don’t take anything from them as an adult that
they may use to blackmail you in future. Don’t ask for help or advice for
any projects as she will quickly take over and try to run the show.

Recognize the bait
After you have understood all the things she does to manipulate you, don’t
take the bait. All the things that trigger this should be also avoided. If
you stop responding to the ways she wants, she will most likely scale back
and give you room to breathe. If she tries to bring up contentious issues
change the subject. If she insists just listen with kindness by either
having a tough-cookie/poker face or a polite-I-know-how-you-feel stare with
some nodding and aha, hmmm’s in there etc If possible no eye contact. Never
try to pontificate anything she says. If she decides to stretch it, stand
up for yourself (respectfully of course). But if she is being
difficult...walk away. Wipe that. RUN!

Never allow guilt to control you
Never feel guilty for trying to live your own life the best way you know
how. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If you are going to see her, make
sure you have another important place to go after immediately so that she
doesn’t manipulate you to stay. Have another person with you always or have
a car pick you up as controlling mothers normally want to look good in
front people so they might not attack you with another person in the room.

Stick to the boundaries 

Do all of the above over and over until she gets the picture. If she tries
to violate any of your boundaries firmly remind her that you will not get
into it with her. Even if she cries, sulks, pouts etc. It’s like when a
child refuses to stay in school and cries for you. Just walk away. Go cry
in the car, scream on a pillow, chew gum- do what you gotta do but fight
the tantrums and manipulation, you will be the better for it when you do.

Build your support system 

Build around you a support system of people who love you that she cannot
break. Have mentors, aunts etc who will be able to mother you. Have a life
that does not involve her. Build strong relationships with people round her
so that they can help you by not playing/indulging her mind games/emotional
blackmail to stop feeding her habit. They can help you change the subject
when she goes koo koo. They can also help you do errands for her so that
you don’t have to.

Be strong 

Sometimes the people around her may not back you up but instead give in to
her to maintain peace leaving you looking like a bad person. Mothers are

usually romanticized, if mothers day is anything to go by. People may not believe 

that she is making your lie a living hell. That's not what good mothers are supposed 

to do. You have to go at it alone and stand firm. You may even be forced to be 

alone and try to be all the things you want from a mother for yourself. Stand up for
yourself and don’t allow yourself to be bullied. Be kind to yourself and
known that the rotten attitude from her has nothing to do with you. Don’t
feel guilty for being happy without her help. Try to find and do things
that make you happy. Try to preserve some semblance of sanity as much as
you possibly can.

Therapy/Counselling 

If it’s affecting your life to a point where you are depressed and on
medication- you want to run away or die then you need a therapist ASAP. If
you can’t convince her to go with you, go alone and work on getting tools
on how to cope. This is very important especially if you do not want to
infect your children/spouse/friends with this toxic behaviour. Break the cycle.

Find out more about controlling mothers 

Read books/Blogs etc about this subject so as to understand it better.
Interact with others with controlling mothers. The more you understand 

a problem the better you will be equipped in solving it.There are also resources
online where people with controlling mothers share their experiences and
ideas on how to cope like .You will know that you are not alone therefore
stop stressing so much thinking that you are abnormal and all! Its actually
more common in many families in the world.

*Ps- all the above advice is good in theory but implementing them is a tall
order. Your mother is the person who is supposed to love you when you are
wrong or/and when you are right. She is supposed to cover your weakness and
protect you from other people instead of giving them materials to hurt you
with. You look for love, support and understanding from this person.
Fighting her is a double edge sword-it will hurt her almost as much as it
is going to hurt you. It is very hard to confront your mother especially
since you do not want to disappoint her. If she is creative she may even
invent new ways to make your life harder when she realizes she is loosing
control. If you choose to fight it is going to be a war like you’ve never
seen it before. May the Lord be with you-for reals though! You need you
some Jesus... and the Holy ghost too!*

On a lighter note, check out this hilarious video below.LOL!

Signs that your mama is too controlling

I watched ‘Jack and Jill’ a couple of days ago and I noticed that most Adam Sandler’s movies (like 50 first dates, Spanglish, Anger management) always consist of a woman controlling some submissive man (Adam Sandler). I don’t know if it is a coincidence or Mr. Adam has something to share with us. 

Anyhoo I was inspired to research on controlling mothers and this is what I came up with...

Smothering, suffocating, Domineering, forceful, Combative, annoying, bullying, manipulative, sneaky, judgemental, Nitpicking, strong personality, Meddling, overprotective, micromanager, Abusive, bossy...

Do any of the aforementioned words describe your mama to a T? Then mon amie you might have a controlling mother in your hands (more like life). The other signs include:

1. Makes you doubt yourself

Right from childhood she nitpicks everything you do from how you walk, talk; chew your food to the cowlick sticking out. She hates your job, friends, lover, religion, profession etc. Around other people you are a grown up but around her you feel like a twelve year old again. Nothing you do is ever right. She makes you ashamed of your life.

2. Psychotic stalking

She wants to know where you are at all times (even if you told her where you are going before you left the house). She will ask about you from family or friends etc. She is nosy, will snoop through your things from diary, texts messages to your purse. If she is computer savvy she will check out your profile on fb and twitter etc.

3. Controls all your relationships

Mama tells you who you can or cannot hang out with. She screens all suitors, makes sure to be around when your friends come over and dominates all conversations. If she leaves, she will be in the next room eaves dropping. If you are on the phone, her ears perk up to try and hear what you are talking about. She might even start to control their lives too. She has sucked the life out of you, now she wants to suck it out of the others too. The big Hoover will spread the misery.

4. Guilt trips you

She whines how you spend more time with your friends than her. She makes you choose between her and other people/things/ interests. If you refuse to go see her she will talk in a small, weak, care worn voice to show how she is suffering. If you stand your ground she will send lots of text messages, emails, letters larded with words to make you feel guilty.

5. Lies/belittles/condemning and abuses you (sometimes others too)

She is a consummate liar and has mastered how to rally everybody around her. When you have an altercation she will lie about the details of the fight. She will tell any one who will give her an audience what a horrible person you are and most cases manage to isolate you from everyone. She will point out weaknesses like call you fat in front of people and embarrass you publicly. Always wears a scowl on her face. She is suspicious of people and is constantly picking up fights with them; from employees, service provider to the matatu touts.

6. Physical abusive

In very extreme cases, she may be physically abusive on top of the yelling and the screaming contests. This could be slapping/hitting you or throwing items that are in her hand like sufurias, plates, shoes etc at you. You may even have to get a restraining order against her if your life is in real danger. (Remember the Nyeri dude? shit can get that serious)

7. Give you strings-attached gifts

She will help you out financially or any other way which later on she will use to control and belittle you. She will constantly lord it over you to make you dance to her tune. She will constantly bring up all the things she has done for you and make you feel obligated to return the favour. She will ask you for favours which will require you to give feedback so as to get you to talk to her often.

8. Try to make you feel jealous

If all the above fails she will try to make you jealous. She will do nice things for other family members/friends or strangers to send a message to you. She will hold parties, cook for them, buy things for them etc. If it doesn’t affect you, she will move to saying things like “Grace is more like a daughter to me”” she treats me so well” etc. She may even constantly tell you how so and so’s child is successful and rubs it in your face.

9. Competes for your affection

She will drive away your friends and family so that you solely depend on her. She doesn’t want you meeting other friends or family. She will try to get people to stop from supporting you. She will try to isolate you by not allowing you to play with other kid when you are young. If she notices that she is being replaced, she will seek to up that other person. During birthdays she will buy the most outrageous gifts to make her seem like she cares more.

10. Rallies up people around her

A small altercation ends into a chain reaction with all other family members being involved in your business. She will be on the phone telling people how bad you are and all. She will run ideas by your friends and family and hope they drop hints to you to make you alter your plans. She is constantly complaining to your siblings/friends/family including your kids about you who in turn get on your case- it feels like a never ending drama.

11. Has a controlling ally

In most families your controlling mama will have an ally/ snitch, could be the husband but usually its the last born who will hover around to gather data. If you have more siblings, chances are if you don’t get the controlling character from her, one of your other siblings will pick it up. This sibling will start to exhibit behaviours like for instance constantly criticizing your clothes, your hair, correcting your grammar mid conversation, condescending, giving unsolicited advice larded with platitudes and old chestnut etc and help shove your mother’s agenda down your throat and spend time with your mama discussing what a demon you are. They will even have private jokes and pet names for you.

12. Melodramatic/exaggeration/ personal crisis/Emotional blackmail

She will cry, sulk, pout and throw temper tantrums if she does not get her way. If she has a headache it will blown up to migraines or even cancer. She will talk about suicide/death especially if she is old to get you to feel guilty. She just has this uncanny ability to get everyone to do what she wants. People are powerless to her charms and manipulation.

13. The men around her are hen pecked

One sure-fire sign your mama is controlling is if your father is whipped/submissive and bows to her every whim. If your father always seeks to hide from her eg in the pub or his office to get away from her then you really know she is a pain in his caboose. If she is constantly yelling at him (emasculating him) telling him how he is not good enough- its only a matter of time before you get a dose of this medicine (more like poison)

14. She acts like Martyr

She is always talking about some suffering or another. She is always feigning illness to get the family to come over. It’s always one crisis after another. She is constantly saying how her life is hard and how she has suffered. Constantly reminding you of all the sacrifices she made for you. Oh how you messed up her good body, how her birth canal was never the same thanks to your big head etc. Its always doom and gloom with her. She is constantly in turmoil and makes one bad decision after another and claims it was all for you.

15. She is intrusive/ demanding

This Mama wants to know every intimate detail of your life. She doesn’t cross the line; she starts on the other side of the line. Whenever she calls it is to ask intrusive questions and generally give you the third degree. How much you earn, why you are not pregnant yet, if you are getting any from your lover, she wants to know about your friends’ private lives too etc. Constantly pushing boundaries (more like there are no boundaries with her). She interferes in your life and is constantly stirring trouble/causing arguments between you and the rest of the family/friends.

16. Never listens

Every conversation or information you share with her is translated into you asking for advice. Before you finish talking she is already giving her two cents and persistently pushing her points of view down your throat. She likes to think that she is never wrong. She thinks she is an expert in your life never mind that some of the decisions she made in your life are horrible ones and you are paying for them to date.

17. Makes too many demands than is acceptable/Impatience

She is constantly demanding money, time etc from you. She wants all of your time and makes you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, husband and family. She will expect you to do favours at the drop of a hat without caring that you have other things to do.  If she calls and you do not pick up, she will leave over 10 messages (that is, after calling all your friends and siblings) She will fill up your inbox with messages etc. She has no respect for your personal time and space.

 (All this is usually common in families where there is an only child, in single parent black mothers or the parent and the child were abnormally close and emotionally dependent on each other growing up before other people started coming in the picture to challenge the status quo)

But not to worry, i gat you.

I will post details on how to deal with your bullying mama, aunty, mother-in-law etc for now marinate in this new information.LOL!

Ta at 

lovely people

Ps. Jesus loves you even if your mama don’t.