Accept that she might not change
If you look at the title of this post, you will notice that I have used the
word ‘cope’. This means that there is a very high chance that your mama may
never change. Stop hoping she will change. At her age she is too set in her
ways, she gets a pay off from being controlling and has had decades and
decades of practicing/mastering how to manipulate people. You are a few
years late honey. If you are religious and believe in miracles, God will
change them but in the mean time you will need to have some tools how to
cope or manage this difficult mama. Accept the fact that she isn’t a nice
person, despite the fact that she is your mother, painful as it may be. You
cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her.
If you look at the title of this post, you will notice that I have used the
word ‘cope’. This means that there is a very high chance that your mama may
never change. Stop hoping she will change. At her age she is too set in her
ways, she gets a pay off from being controlling and has had decades and
decades of practicing/mastering how to manipulate people. You are a few
years late honey. If you are religious and believe in miracles, God will
change them but in the mean time you will need to have some tools how to
cope or manage this difficult mama. Accept the fact that she isn’t a nice
person, despite the fact that she is your mother, painful as it may be. You
cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her.
Have compassion
Understand that your mother is human and maybe picked up this behaviour as
a result of her past. Maybe she is grieving the loss of a loved one, maybe
she is lonely, maybe her husband is cold and distant, or has anxiety
disorder etc. You must pity her because for someone to be this manipulative
she may not be a happy person within herself. She is imprisoned by her
negative thoughts and is just projecting to others through controlling
them. Quit trying to change her, it will only make the situation worse.
Stop hoping that she will change, it may never happen. Just make sure not
to condone or justify her abusing you or feed her habit.
Understand that your mother is human and maybe picked up this behaviour as
a result of her past. Maybe she is grieving the loss of a loved one, maybe
she is lonely, maybe her husband is cold and distant, or has anxiety
disorder etc. You must pity her because for someone to be this manipulative
she may not be a happy person within herself. She is imprisoned by her
negative thoughts and is just projecting to others through controlling
them. Quit trying to change her, it will only make the situation worse.
Stop hoping that she will change, it may never happen. Just make sure not
to condone or justify her abusing you or feed her habit.
Stop looking for affirmation
The reason why your mother’s behaviour still bothers you is because you are
still looking for affirmation from your judgmental mother. Look for
approval from yourself- not her. Make your decisions with a clear head and
stand by them. When you are confident, she won’t be able to get under your
skin. Do not try to please everyone. When you are an adult, your parents
are relegated to the role of advisers not dictators. They can
suggest/advice but don’t decide for you. Stop looking for approval from
her. It many never come in your life time. Get over it!
The reason why your mother’s behaviour still bothers you is because you are
still looking for affirmation from your judgmental mother. Look for
approval from yourself- not her. Make your decisions with a clear head and
stand by them. When you are confident, she won’t be able to get under your
skin. Do not try to please everyone. When you are an adult, your parents
are relegated to the role of advisers not dictators. They can
suggest/advice but don’t decide for you. Stop looking for approval from
her. It many never come in your life time. Get over it!
Cut the cord
If you live with them, move out NOW! If you live with them they definitely
have lots of control over you. Plus the fact that they now pay the bills,
they have something to lord over you. If they physically abuse you, you may
need to quit your job, move to another town. Whatever you do just get away
from her where she cannot hurt you. Avoid introducing her to your friends
especially those who are sensitive and might not appreciate her behaviour.
If you live with them, move out NOW! If you live with them they definitely
have lots of control over you. Plus the fact that they now pay the bills,
they have something to lord over you. If they physically abuse you, you may
need to quit your job, move to another town. Whatever you do just get away
from her where she cannot hurt you. Avoid introducing her to your friends
especially those who are sensitive and might not appreciate her behaviour.
Minimize contact
If you are too chicken to severe ties, then minimize the amount of time you
spend with them. Only talk to your controlling mama if you really have to.
Wean her off slowly, don’t go cold turkey because she will want to gain
back control and give you grief. Slowly reduce the number or frequency of
texts, calls, emails etc you send her. Do not be alone with her at any time
always have a buffer person to diffuse the situation that may arise.
If you are too chicken to severe ties, then minimize the amount of time you
spend with them. Only talk to your controlling mama if you really have to.
Wean her off slowly, don’t go cold turkey because she will want to gain
back control and give you grief. Slowly reduce the number or frequency of
texts, calls, emails etc you send her. Do not be alone with her at any time
always have a buffer person to diffuse the situation that may arise.
Avoid the allies too
If she has family members/friends who spy on you for her, minimize the time
you spend with them so as not to give them material to send back to your
mama. If she wants favours like shopping, mowing the lawn, cleaning the
house etc send other people or pay other people to do them for her. If she
wants help, if you can afford it, hire for her a house help.
If she has family members/friends who spy on you for her, minimize the time
you spend with them so as not to give them material to send back to your
mama. If she wants favours like shopping, mowing the lawn, cleaning the
house etc send other people or pay other people to do them for her. If she
wants help, if you can afford it, hire for her a house help.
Filter information
If you cannot avoid seeing her, filter the information you share with her.
Be brief when giving answers, keep your distance always. The less she
knows the less information she has to hurt you with. Don’t tell her about
your life or what you are doing. Steer clear of contentious topics which
leave you both in screaming contests. Block all your profiles on the
internet. Put passwords on everything from your phone to the computer. Do
not pick your phone around her; tell your friends you will call them back
(unless it’s an emergency)
Be brief when giving answers, keep your distance always. The less she
knows the less information she has to hurt you with. Don’t tell her about
your life or what you are doing. Steer clear of contentious topics which
leave you both in screaming contests. Block all your profiles on the
internet. Put passwords on everything from your phone to the computer. Do
not pick your phone around her; tell your friends you will call them back
(unless it’s an emergency)
Don’t take favours
Controlling mothers never give any thing for free; they always come to
collect later like Beelzebub. Avoid asking for help in any way and exhaust
all other options first. Don’t take anything from them as an adult that
they may use to blackmail you in future. Don’t ask for help or advice for
any projects as she will quickly take over and try to run the show.
Controlling mothers never give any thing for free; they always come to
collect later like Beelzebub. Avoid asking for help in any way and exhaust
all other options first. Don’t take anything from them as an adult that
they may use to blackmail you in future. Don’t ask for help or advice for
any projects as she will quickly take over and try to run the show.
Recognize the bait
After you have understood all the things she does to manipulate you, don’t
take the bait. All the things that trigger this should be also avoided. If
you stop responding to the ways she wants, she will most likely scale back
and give you room to breathe. If she tries to bring up contentious issues
change the subject. If she insists just listen with kindness by either
having a tough-cookie/poker face or a polite-I-know-how-you-feel stare with
some nodding and aha, hmmm’s in there etc If possible no eye contact. Never
try to pontificate anything she says. If she decides to stretch it, stand
up for yourself (respectfully of course). But if she is being
difficult...walk away. Wipe that. RUN!
After you have understood all the things she does to manipulate you, don’t
take the bait. All the things that trigger this should be also avoided. If
you stop responding to the ways she wants, she will most likely scale back
and give you room to breathe. If she tries to bring up contentious issues
change the subject. If she insists just listen with kindness by either
having a tough-cookie/poker face or a polite-I-know-how-you-feel stare with
some nodding and aha, hmmm’s in there etc If possible no eye contact. Never
try to pontificate anything she says. If she decides to stretch it, stand
up for yourself (respectfully of course). But if she is being
difficult...walk away. Wipe that. RUN!
Never allow guilt to control you
Never feel guilty for trying to live your own life the best way you know
how. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If you are going to see her, make
sure you have another important place to go after immediately so that she
doesn’t manipulate you to stay. Have another person with you always or have
a car pick you up as controlling mothers normally want to look good in
front people so they might not attack you with another person in the room.
Never feel guilty for trying to live your own life the best way you know
how. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If you are going to see her, make
sure you have another important place to go after immediately so that she
doesn’t manipulate you to stay. Have another person with you always or have
a car pick you up as controlling mothers normally want to look good in
front people so they might not attack you with another person in the room.
Stick to the boundaries
Do all of the above over and over until she gets the picture. If she tries
to violate any of your boundaries firmly remind her that you will not get
into it with her. Even if she cries, sulks, pouts etc. It’s like when a
child refuses to stay in school and cries for you. Just walk away. Go cry
in the car, scream on a pillow, chew gum- do what you gotta do but fight
the tantrums and manipulation, you will be the better for it when you do.
to violate any of your boundaries firmly remind her that you will not get
into it with her. Even if she cries, sulks, pouts etc. It’s like when a
child refuses to stay in school and cries for you. Just walk away. Go cry
in the car, scream on a pillow, chew gum- do what you gotta do but fight
the tantrums and manipulation, you will be the better for it when you do.
Build your support system
Build around you a support system of people who love you that she cannot
break. Have mentors, aunts etc who will be able to mother you. Have a life
that does not involve her. Build strong relationships with people round her
so that they can help you by not playing/indulging her mind games/emotional
blackmail to stop feeding her habit. They can help you change the subject
when she goes koo koo. They can also help you do errands for her so that
you don’t have to.
break. Have mentors, aunts etc who will be able to mother you. Have a life
that does not involve her. Build strong relationships with people round her
so that they can help you by not playing/indulging her mind games/emotional
blackmail to stop feeding her habit. They can help you change the subject
when she goes koo koo. They can also help you do errands for her so that
you don’t have to.
Be strong
Sometimes the people around her may not back you up but instead give in to
her to maintain peace leaving you looking like a bad person. Mothers are
her to maintain peace leaving you looking like a bad person. Mothers are
usually romanticized, if mothers day is anything to go by. People may not believe
that she is making your lie a living hell. That's not what good mothers are supposed
to do. You have to go at it alone and stand firm. You may even be forced to be
alone and try to be all the things you want from a mother for yourself. Stand up for
yourself and don’t allow yourself to be bullied. Be kind to yourself and
known that the rotten attitude from her has nothing to do with you. Don’t
feel guilty for being happy without her help. Try to find and do things
that make you happy. Try to preserve some semblance of sanity as much as
you possibly can.
yourself and don’t allow yourself to be bullied. Be kind to yourself and
known that the rotten attitude from her has nothing to do with you. Don’t
feel guilty for being happy without her help. Try to find and do things
that make you happy. Try to preserve some semblance of sanity as much as
you possibly can.
Therapy/Counselling
If it’s affecting your life to a point where you are depressed and on
medication- you want to run away or die then you need a therapist ASAP. If
you can’t convince her to go with you, go alone and work on getting tools
on how to cope. This is very important especially if you do not want to
infect your children/spouse/friends with this toxic behaviour. Break the cycle.
medication- you want to run away or die then you need a therapist ASAP. If
you can’t convince her to go with you, go alone and work on getting tools
on how to cope. This is very important especially if you do not want to
infect your children/spouse/friends with this toxic behaviour. Break the cycle.
Find out more about controlling mothers
Read books/Blogs etc about this subject so as to understand it better.
Interact with others with controlling mothers. The more you understand
Interact with others with controlling mothers. The more you understand
a problem the better you will be equipped in solving it.There are also resources
online where people with controlling mothers share their experiences and
ideas on how to cope like .You will know that you are not alone therefore
stop stressing so much thinking that you are abnormal and all! Its actually
more common in many families in the world.
*Ps- all the above advice is good in theory but implementing them is a tall
order. Your mother is the person who is supposed to love you when you are
wrong or/and when you are right. She is supposed to cover your weakness and
protect you from other people instead of giving them materials to hurt you
with. You look for love, support and understanding from this person.
Fighting her is a double edge sword-it will hurt her almost as much as it
is going to hurt you. It is very hard to confront your mother especially
since you do not want to disappoint her. If she is creative she may even
invent new ways to make your life harder when she realizes she is loosing
control. If you choose to fight it is going to be a war like you’ve never
seen it before. May the Lord be with you-for reals though! You need you
some Jesus... and the Holy ghost too!*
online where people with controlling mothers share their experiences and
ideas on how to cope like .You will know that you are not alone therefore
stop stressing so much thinking that you are abnormal and all! Its actually
more common in many families in the world.
*Ps- all the above advice is good in theory but implementing them is a tall
order. Your mother is the person who is supposed to love you when you are
wrong or/and when you are right. She is supposed to cover your weakness and
protect you from other people instead of giving them materials to hurt you
with. You look for love, support and understanding from this person.
Fighting her is a double edge sword-it will hurt her almost as much as it
is going to hurt you. It is very hard to confront your mother especially
since you do not want to disappoint her. If she is creative she may even
invent new ways to make your life harder when she realizes she is loosing
control. If you choose to fight it is going to be a war like you’ve never
seen it before. May the Lord be with you-for reals though! You need you
some Jesus... and the Holy ghost too!*
On a lighter note, check out this hilarious video below.LOL!
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