My dream wedding

Today I write a soppy post. I have always had a little yen for weddings. Always. Although most spinsters my age have given up on ever doing a church wedding. They tell me to try get myself preggers then move in with ninja and get it over and done with. You would think all these talk would deter yours truly but noooo... I’m gonna drag ninja’s behind down the aisle even if it damn near kills him.

Yep! Ladies, men don’t know what they want- so it is our job to tell them what they want. Yes, that includes, walking down the aisle. That’s why they came up with the phrase “better half.” We are the better halves. Beyonce was right, we run this matha... They all want to get married; they just don’t know it yet! Very soon I will be releasing a book titled “how to drug your man down the aisle” it will be at bookstores and supermarkets near you.

Now forget come-we-stay-and-see-whether-we-like-it bull and all that jazz. That isht is for the birds. God did not make your fine ass to settle for that BS. Ati love in our hearts. What’s the point of being in love if you can’t show off your object of your affection to all and sundry? Besides on the wedding day them trifling-boyfriend-snatching heifers will keep off your man as he is spoken for. You better drag his ass down the aisle. 

The wedding has to be done your way so they better put it in their bong (pipe is so mainstream) and smoke it. Do not let anyone stand between you and your dream wedding, yes even your betrothed. Put your foot down. Yes, even if it means knocking him over the head unconscious with a skillet cave man style then by jove do it doll face. 

You are going to have that wedding even if it damn near kills him. By any means necessary, Machiavelli style.

Anyhoo I was writing an article for someone about weddings and while going through various websites I couldn’t help but dream about my dream wedding. I went all J.D (remember SCRUBS series) and couldn’t concentrate on the project at hand.

So this is how my dream wedding is going to be. You may want to grab a chair; this is going to be long.

I used to say I would be the first bride in Kenya to wear white pants complete with a tiny top but I know grandma would have a hernia if the women’s guild at church saw me like that so forget I even brought it up.

I’m thinking for the dress maybe a replica of the sequined wedding dress that Beyonce wore in the music video of ‘the best thing I never had’ song. Yes with all the gold shiny thingys n sh*t (dreamer much). I just hope it will hold my bosom...you know seeing as I am small-chested and all.

But come to think of it, my rhinoceros hips may not fit so maybe the dress singer Estelle wore with lots of hip room, in the music video “American Boy” featuring rapper Kanye West will have to do.

I am thinking Mr.jaber3000 should walk down the aisle in nothing but a loin cloth but I know my prudish family & friends will give me grief over it. And I would never hear the end of it for as long as I live; besides for some reason most men my age these days have let themselves go so maybe their pouch will ruin the photos.

However, If my wish is granted and Mr. Right has a body like a gladiator (think rapper Nelly or LL cool J) he will never wear a shirt EVER! I won’t even have to save for a washing machine y’all, them washboards abs will be enough.

But who cares about the groom, it’s my day...back to me.

I want to wear sparkling earrings that shine every time the sun’s rays hits it just right...yes mine will be an outdoors wedding. Now the bridesmaids will definitely wear orange dresses with gold shoes (don’t ask me how it will work. But they better make it work or otherwise they are dead to me). If you want to know the shade of orange that am referring to, check out Indie Arie’s ‘Therapy’ music video. You see when they dress in all orange they will look like tangerines rolling down the aisle.

I fux with sunflowers so no roses or gardenias or any of those weird looking flowers I normally see on wedding shows. I think sunflowers are not only beautiful but useful too, they are the only flowers that make sense to me and I can’t for the life of me understand why people in the weddings I see have never thought of it.

For the music am torn between Josh Groban’s- When you say you love me, Tracy chapman - Open arms or you are the one, Luther vandross- Amazing, Brad paisley and Carrie Underwood – Remind me, John Legend- cross the line (mama will think the lyrics will cross the line*nudge nudge*) gawd! there are so many good songs..

But if I can’t make up my mind we will do the old default wedding song that everybody knows and save the rest for the reception.

For the vows am torn between two, I would show you but I don’t want to bore you with more mushy stuff. Moving on! The cakes should be sunflower designs.

 (Speaking of cakes... I would like better if we dig into some breast...chicken breast I mean, instead of the cake. I hate the icing sugar they normally put in cakes...too sugary for my taste and it goes straight to my hips anyway, that is, if I don’t get the runs first. Or maybe even some ol’ good fish! Who said that we all have to cut some cake for the wedding????)

At the reception we’d better do the shuffle like they do in Tyler Perry movies and if anyone goes out of sync with the rest, I guess he/she will have to turn in early because he will be shown the door piyo piyo.

 But seriously though I want my wedding to be a carnival like the cop in the movie “BRIDESMAIDS” said. No stress just people having fun eating and drinking with some great music. I’m I asking for too much here people?