Lies about rape that women are always told

from www.venusbuzz.com 

Last week I had a discussion with my students and I was shocked at the misconceptions they have about rape. They were telling me things like if a woman dresses too sexy she is asking for it. or if you go for rave at night and you get raped its your fault. What even made me want to slit my wrist was when one girl told me her mama always tells her not to go outside usiku because she will get raped. (This is why I think Sex Education should be taught in Schools)

I was watching the movie For colored girls with a male friend and he actually told me that the character played by Anika Noni Rose deserved to be raped because of the way - according to him- she was rubbing up on the man. Themost scary thing is the guy who told me this is well educated and has many sisters and a mama too. Now tell me if this is what he thinks what about the people who actually rape women?. The world really is a scary place. 

Anyhu these two scenarios inspired me to explain away the misconceptions people have about why women get raped. here it goes...

1. Do not go out alone especially at night to avoid rape

Wrong: statics show that over 85% rapes are committed by men known to women. There is no typical rapist and they are from every economic, racial, cultural, social, ethnic etc background. Women get raped in their homes, offices and even on dates with their love interest. Only about 9% of rape is by strangers. It is really sad that women are taught to restrict their movements and freedom just because some jack ass feels the need to abuse women. Be that as it may, you should really be careful about the men around you. I have never been raped but I have been assaulted by a man who was in my circle of friends. The sad part was I was in his house and he even had the balls to ask me why I went to his house if it’s not for sex. It wasn’t even at night for crying our loud. Since then I do not go to my male friend’s houses alone. I can’t even begin to imagine what rape survivors go through every day as they try to get their life back. Yes it is that serious.

2. If you dress skimpily or act a certain way you are asking for it

In the movie “the good wife” a prostitute- turned exotic dancer gets raped and everybody acts like she was asking for it. Women have been led to believe that only certain types of women get raped and if you dress decently you are “safe”.  Women are sometimes blamed for having behaved demurely hence deserved to be raped.

Wrong: Women of all ages (3yrs-90yrs), faith, race, classes, culture etc get raped and it has nothing to do with the way you act or dress, I mean you can’t tell me that when a child is wearing diapers or cucu with her lesso and head scarf was asking for it! There was a story in the media about a physically disabled girl was raped by six boys aged 14-19, and another 9 month old baby who was raped by six men who were between 24 -66 years of age. So how pray tell where these two females asking for it? Seriously? This is the sickest lie I have ever heard in my life! In fact attractiveness has very little significance when it comes to sexual assault as rapist usually choose women who are the most vulnerable not their looks. Some rapists even claim in court that they though they were doing the woman a favour especially if they considers her less attractive or undesirable than other women. (This reminds me of the character Christian in the series Nip/Tuck who had no regard for women)

3. Women secretly want to be F*cked and her no often means yes.

Some men still don’t see what the big fuss is about rape, they see it as just another sexual event. I saw someone write on twitter that rape is just “surprise sex” and eventually the woman will relax and enjoy it. Some men even claim that rape is just “good sex that is done at the wrong place, at the wrong time”. At another time the woman will enjoy it and it’s not that serious.

Wrong: Just as a victim of murder, robbery etc does not enjoy the experience women do not enjoy sexual violence at all. No matter how attractive a man is, it doesn’t mean all women want to get into their pants. Rape is not sex for the woman, it is an act of violence and no woman asks for this. According to the law every woman has the right to say no at any point of sexual contact which is something MOST men do not seem to understand. Ever after you have engaged in heavy petting, the woman does not owe you sex. Even if you have had sex in the past and she doesn’t want to today, you have to respect her decision. If you do not stop when she says no then you are now raping her.

4. If you have a bad reputation, drink, take drugs etc then you deserve to be raped

Wrong: no one deserved to be hurt at any point in their lives no matter what they have done. Just because she agreed to take alcohol or drugs with you doesn’t mean she wants to be raped. It is considered an assault because these substances impair her judgement and are therefore unable to say no. There also a perception that when ladies go to the club they want to be chips-fungwad. Personally when I used to go out with pals back in college I genuinely just wanted to hang out with them. Dance, sing along to our favourite songs then go home. Period! I wasn’t looking for anything else. Men should never use this excuse to rape a woman.

5. If it didn’t hurt or you didn’t fight back it is not rape

The absence of objection or no visible evidence it doesn’t mean there was no rape. One lady was raped and was taken to the hospital and one of the male doctors said that “her injuries were minor” which is a very hurtful thing for a victim to hear. There are even some people who blame the rape survivor if she had resisted later on in the rape rather than earlier.

Wrong: The psychological and emotional torture stays with you. Up to know am very wary around my male friends so I do not want to imagine what rape survivors go through! When women are being raped they don’t enjoy it eventually but they stop fighting to minimize the harm done to them or fear further violence. The only control these women have is to reduce the harm and pain such as virginal tearing and should not be confused with consent.

6. Some men can’t help themselves

Oh ... men who rape are mentally ill... drunk, depressed, stressed or “is not himself”. The most ridiculous excuse is - When a man is sexually aroused he has to have sex and cannot really help himself. You won’t believe the variety of excuses that men have over the years used in court to justify rape. Personally I believe if you are drunk and know how to put the penis inside the vagina then you’re prolly not drunk enough. How can a crazy person know what to do with a vagina or his phallus for that matter? But that’s just my take on it...

Wrong:  People do not accidentally rape, studies show that all sexual assault is premeditated; they want to control and dominate their victim. The rapist has fantasised about if for sometime and was waiting for an opportunity to present itself or they just find ways on how to carry out their plan. There is never an excuse to sexually assault women. Studies show that only less than 5% of convicted rapists were psychotic. More than 80% of the rapist were fully aware and knew what they are doing. Men are not animals and can easily control their urges. I don’t think a man needs to rape a woman to satisfy himself at her expense.

7. Men who rape do not have opportunities to have sex

People assume that all rapist are sexually frustrated men and don’t have anyone to sleep with.

Wrong: Men who are sexually active with their partner are as likely as any other man to rape a woman. I heard of husbands who go on to rape their maids or children even though their wives have sex with them regularly. There are even cases where men rape their wives when they say no due to reasons such as illness, their on their period or after childbirth. Do not assume that just because a men has a sexual partner at home he can’t rape you.

8. You owe him sex

I was shocked when watching some talk show on our local TV station when a man joked that when he spends KES 3000 on dinner on you then you owe him sex. So I guess these days punani goes for 3K. I was even surprised that that station aired that clip and nobody protested. You just have to go to a few clubs here in the country you see just how many creeps think women owe them sex. Like b*tch should have been in love with him like yesterday. I once went out and some dude offered to buy me a drink and I agreed. He leaned over and suggested that I go back to his place. I thanked him and politely declined. Would you believe he took back the soda?  I couldn’t resist laughing. The soda was a down payment for my sugar shack. Ghai! Just when you think you have seen the lowest that some people will go to get booty someone comes and takes you to the basement.

Wrong: As a woman, no mater what the man does for you, you do not owe him sex. No one can a put a value or worth on you as a person. This excuse is usually used by men who are in position of power, authority and have financial clout and can get away with rape. Never allow yourself to feel like that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect and that you always have to pay back with sex. If you have to pay back in sexual favours for any good gesture that you get then maybe you are better of without any help.

Do not believe any of these lies. No one deserves to be violated and you have to absolutely tell someone when you get raped so that it doesn’t happen again to you or anyone else. And for men next time a woman says no, just walk away. Treat every woman you meet with respect just like you’d like your female family members/friends to be treated.