Stupid poses boys do

I just had to share this with you guys because it had me LOL-ing all day. I already told you about men having funny avi's in a previous post but they say pictures speak a thousand words..now listen...

My Happy born day

So on Friday was the eve of my birthday. I know am too old to make a big deal out of a birthday but I was secretly hoping that it doesn’t go unceremoniously like it has for the last few years. Just as I was biting my nails (I know it’s a gross habit) thinking of how it would be, @fuegocassey enters and surprises me with gifts.

Just as I was about to open them, she adds a twist to it. Trust her to make life a little interesting. I was to open it on my birthday! Imagine that! Unfortunately I was able to notice that one of the gifts was edible...CAKE. 

yes, i ate it right out of the box!

By midnight it was all eaten, I cheated...well kinda because the other gift wasn’t opened until Saturday morning. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that curiosity almost got the better of me. I was shaking it, tried to put some magnet next to it to see if the gift was metallic but alas!

The gift ended up being what I hoped it would be and more although I still do not know how to use it seeing as the instructions are given in French. The only French I know is voule vouz couche avec toi (told you my mind is the gutter) I will be damned if I go to France and get me a Monsieur and I don’t know how to ask for some milk in my cocoa.lol

The next morning, that is Saturday; as usual Kenya power did their thing and cut off power supply. I mean it was not like it was my birthday or anything! Luckily I got round to reading my book of the month “Things can only get better” by John O’Farrell whose other book I reviewed in a previous post.

Isn't that the most cutest angry boy you have ever seen?

Although it’s about politics it’s hilarious as hell, I think I just found my new favourite writer. The whole book is a chronicle of the 18 miserable years he has spent supporting the labour party in Britain.  I will do a review of the book as soon as I finish.

Fast forward to the evening; I was at the stand where I buy mutura to spoil my self once in a while. I have tried to stop this habit because the mutura seems to be going straight to my hips. I remember there was one interview when Amani was asked a couple of questions and she said she likes making plans/resolutions on her birthday and I thought it was cool. It’s more personal than making plans with the rest of the world on New Years. So my new plan is to stop taking too much meat and over salting my food because I’m just a few years away from osteoporosis. I tried to get my brothers support and he tells me that he did not make it all the way up the food chain to eat plants. OUCH! Apparently according to men you are looser if you don’t eat meat. Like the John O’Farrell’s book he says how he was working in some construction site after clearing school, the men there thought he was dumb for being vegetarian and treated him differently. I guess every time dudes eat nyama their cojones grows bigger huh?

So am standing there in a hoodie so that no one sees me then my brother sends me a text, Do not cook dinner. I go back to the house sit and he comes in at 9pm to a very hungry woman. He brought chicken! Now I guess my resolution will have to wait until next year. You see if I know am going to loose a battle, I don’t even start. I love myself too much! You call it weakness; I call it self- preservation!

 I over-indulged in some junk food as we played the guitar (ok he played the guitar as I attempted to sing my lungs out). I had forgotten what a riot my brother is. Growing up we were inseparable as we are one year apart in age. But school and work made us disconnect at some point but now am glad because he has grown to be a very responsible young man. Although am not so sure about the weird stories he tells me all the time. I think he should be a writer because he comes up with the most bizarre Alice in Wonderland stories and swears they are true all the time. Like this time ati his buddy (am pretty sure it was him.lol) was dating this lady with a shady past. So this day they were walking along the street then some dude comes up to them and b*tch slaps her across the cheek smack in the middle of town. Before he could even lambaste the stranger, he quickly walked away. The chiq never protested or cried. Apparently she had taken the man’s money but never gave up the goods. I didn’t laugh because the story was funny, but because my brother was telling me the story with a straight face. This is the stuff which I only see in movies.

Anyway I got to listen to some of the music he is into (It’s also another bad habit I have, going through peoples music collection! Fuelled by Ross’ book  ‘PS – I scored the bridesmaids’) Although am not into jazz I liked his Kirk Whalum, Kevin Whalum, Isaac Mugunda, Jonathan butler, George Benson, Paul Jackson Jr. collection and the others like Carlos Santana, John Mayer, George Benson, Juma tutu band, plus  Kidum. Then there is Deitrick Haddon, Adawnage band and Eric wanaina’s ‘Love and protest” album. In Eric Wanaina’s Album I loved the ‘Mariana” song the best.

The ladies too, Christina shusho, Eunice njeri , Alice Kamande (these mama’s are fine, the Lord has really been good to them.lol - am guessing that’s why he listens to them- more like watch them).

Jazz music wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t do the corny stuff like make cum-faces when they do dub-a-dub-a-duba-durum-diri-doob-doob-doob ... and those other funny incoherent sounds as they “sing”. My brother mostly listens to these songs to perfect his guitar playing, no wonder he never notices these things. 

And good ol’ Carlos Santana, I have over the years appreciated his music mostly collabo’s with other singers like Dido, Seal, Product GnB (where did they go btw?) and Singer Musiq but I didn’t know he is one of the best guitar players on earth. I just wished he had a stylist; he wears over sized “Hawaii” shirts and funny shoes. But I respect the fact that he is never fazed by the scantily clad chiqs in the music videos, he is always hard on his guitar (as in playing it with dedication- forgive the pun).

It was also fun watching Jonathan Butler play his guitar with his left hand. How do you even learn to play the guitar that is designed for right handed people? At first I thought he was playing his guitar upside down. And bro decided to lay on some information on me. Apparently singers have bigger lungs than the average human beings! Never knew that! No wonder they normally have big upper bodies, and here I am thinking they are always hard at work on their abs in the gym.

After he turned in I got out my CSI series. I never get tired of them- drives my siblings insane. They do not get why I watch them over and over. In College I used to think it was corny when Horatio said something profound while tilting his head then moving away from the camera’s view to give the words a few minutes to marinate. Now when I watch it all over again, I kinda love it. And the theme music...

...Out here in the field,

I fought for my meals,

I get my back into my living,

I don’t need to fight to prove am right,

I don’t need to be forgiven

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

After TrueBlood’s tv series theme music this is my next favourite.

Anyway this is just a recap of my birfday.  I think it is going to be a good year, I can feel it in me bones.lol

Darn it, He broke me

So last night I had this dream...wait don’t close the tab, it’s pretty interesting.

In the dream I was laying in a field of grass then all of a sudden some bees got into my ears. I run around screaming for help but there was no one. Honey then started coming out of both of my ears. Some weird people got wind of the story and came out of nowhere then kidnapped me. They took me to some foreign lands where they put me in front of people who were paying to see me.

I quickly woke up sweating buckets with my heart beating so fast I thought I would die. I kept poking around with the ear buds to make sure it was just a dream. There was no way I was going back to sleep so I switched on the T.V and what do you know BBC, Aljazeera and CNN were all airing the FB IPO thingy. It’s like the whole world is so stoked about FB debuting in the trading arena. Then some dude called dick was being interviewed, some country with a party called FARC was being featured tihihihi

 (My mind is not in the gutter, my mind is the gutter)

We all know how it has been raining all over the country with scores of property and lives lost in the process due to flooding. My creative neighbour has decided to cover his clothes with some huge transparent polythene paper to shield his precious laundry from the rains. 

After many days of coming home from work after beating the traffic and finding his clothes dripping wet, he decided to come up with this ingenious idea.

I noticed this as I was on my way to print yet another application letter, which probably some human resources manager is going to shred or use as a coaster. Since I do not have a personal printer I’m forced to do it at this shop which offers printing services a few blocks from our building. The owner of the shop is a very fine young man. Now I know for sure that God has favourites. He has everything. If i was to use the word swag, I would say he got it. But I won’t use it.  I swear if you squint kidogo he looks like a mix of Aldis Hodge and Lance gross. I would be lying if I didn’t say that the thought of putting him on the counter and spreading him like butter hasn’t crossed my mind. Where are the talent scouts when you need them? This dude should be on the cover of GQ, FHM magazine or something already! I know most of my posts are always all Alice in wonderland but I kid you not, that boy is fiiiiiine! I would take pictures of him but I don’t want him to get a restraining order on me.

Every time I go there I find young girls and even grown a** women shamelessly flirting with him. I on the other hand keep it strictly professional and avoid chewing the fat with him. Whenever I go there I make sure to give him a frosty look and speak to him brusquely. It’s obvious that every one has fallen for his charms, so I took it upon my self to be that girl who would not fall for his nice teeth and beautiful smile. Growing up in the village, you get used to getting whistles and catcalls from the boys sitting kwa the mung’etho base. Now thanks to that experience I have developed a great poker face and can easily mask my emotions.

He already has me bathing every time I leave the house and dressing better since his shop is on my way to the supermarket. I miss the days when I could go out freely in my headscarf and Baygone or western union branded T-shirts and some shorts. He just had to put his shop smack in the middle of my way and bewitch me with his smile looking all debonair in his fine clothes mschew!!!

  

Now it has become a sort of a game which of course I win all the time as MCdreamy is not even aware he is in it. I wanted to see how long I can stay before warming up to him. He is going to work harer than that if he hopes to see my yellowing buck teeth. You know those games you normally play in your head (or it’s just me?) Like how you step out of the matatu in a traffic jam and try to outrun it so that you do not regret alighting before you reach your destination because of impatience. Or how you give your self a certain number of minutes to reach some building in town to see how fast you are. Or how you make a kamikaze dash in the supermarkets to try and exit via the entrance side just to annoy the soja. BTW Back in the village I was able to do this so many times as the guards as not as strict but here in Nairobi...man *whistle* soja is alert vibaya. But one of these days I will break this record, you just wait.

So today when I got there I pretended to be looking at the computer while covertly looking at him. Oh the things he does to me! I suspect that Mcdreamy has also started playing games with me too. He is trying to get me to make small talk but so far he hasn’t been able to.

So there I was sitting fiddling with the mouse with sweaty palms, then this mother walks in with this small cute boy no more than 5 years old. Then what does Mcdreamy do? He sends the kid to ask me my name. So the kid walks to me and asks me “aunty unaitwa nani?” then I tell him. Then out of nowhere he asks me “na wewe ni years old ngapi”. This last question just got me and I just went into fits of laughter complete with a little snorting. People in the shop were so pissed and kept giving me dirty looks. I laughed so hard I cried and almost wet m’self. That small boy broke me. Why do kids have to be so darn cute? Now I know why Jesus said “let the children come to me”. They just have this way of disarming people with their innocence. Now I have to change shop and find someone else to “play” with...sigh!

Dear men, this is how you improve your profile on social networks

I am not really a big believer on finding love on fb or the internet for that matter. It’s not so much about the stigma surrounding the thought of looking for love in cyberspace but mostly because it is really hard to get to know who someone really is. On the other hand fb has really made it easy, fast and cheaper to communicate and stay in touch with friends, family and colleagues especially those have traveled outside the country. What with the high standards of living and demanding jobs that make it hard for people to meet as regularly as they want or need to.

Although am still skeptical about people meeting new people via internet, I won’t demonize those who choose that route; to each his own. Since I can’t really speak for men as I am not a mind reader, I have taken it upon myself to give the brothers a few pointers on how they can impress the ladies on the social networks. This is just my two cents on how to impress women and it may not exhaust all the points so feel free to add more points ladies! This is especially for those blokes who have recently added their love interest on fb, twitter etc and want to make a good impression.

1. Image is everything don’t let anyone tell you different

Whatever you do, do not put passport size photos as they usually are not flattering unless it’s done by a professional photographer which of course is expensive as hell. One “STUDIO MONA” comes to mind, located along Argwins Kodhek Rd, Maasai Apartment house, Ground Floor. (And no they did not pay me to advertise). I just saw some dude with a pic he got from there and boy did it look goooooo...oood!

Please no ding dong shades (or whatever you call those glasses that take up half your face). Unless of course they are prescription glasses!

Try to have only photos of your self on the profile pic and make sure you look neat and try to smile, it will soften your look and make you seem approachable...looking like you sucked on a particularly sour lemon won’t get you noticed by the ladies.

Never put pictures of other females as your profile picture because girls will automatically assume you are married or in a relationship.

Never put pictures of children unless they are related to you. If you have children come clean because if you try to hide it someday some genius will ask you “how are the boys doing” or “when does little Stacy start school” then you will find yourself at the heartbreak hotel.

Never EVER put pictures of yourself semi-naked unless you have the body of a gladiator... please... I beg o. Some dude recently uploaded a pic of his upper torso and I swear he looked like a scrawny teenager never mind that he is in his late 20’s. The body hair and birth marks didn’t help either. And it’s really hard to take such a person seriously...I’m just saying!

Still on the above point do not put pictures of other naked women; it makes you come off as a pervert. No videos either, no one wants to know what you do during your free time sir, keep that sh*t to yourself. No sex talk on the TL, preserve that for your boys when you are discussing whatever it is that men talk about when they are alone. The lady don’t need to know what it is that you think about, it might scare her away.

If you have done all the above, please don’t try some weird Tyra like poses where you have contorted your body into weird positions. And please do not pout...no trying to reduce your eyes into slits like models do...no taking pictures of your image on the vanity mirror ... no putting on baby lotion so that your body gleams in the light...that sh*t is really scary man. And the oily lips making you look like you have just been eating nyama choma is a no no!

And unless you are a rock star or something, please stay away from make-up. No girl wants a man who rocks Maybelline better than she does!

Now thanks to various apps, people are now able to zoom in photos and see what’s behind you. The one thing that I have noticed about the older men on fb is this trend of taking photos at their place of work while sitting on a desk while holding the phone with a lap top on an empty desk. Or standing next to someone’s cars; near enough to make people think it’s yours and far enough not to set off the car alarm. Please stop, it’s just so corny! It has been done so many times its actually boring.

 In Kenya some mothers have this habit of putting crocheted vitambas (someone please translate this to the non-Swahili speakers) on the couches (sofa sets for some of you). 

                                            (notice the vitamba behind me)

I have noticed some men who also take photos while lying on a seat with vitambas. So unless you want people to think you still live with your mama, ditch the vitambas. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so choose an interesting background which will speak for you.

Always upload photos of interesting places you visit with your friends to show that you have a life. Or just some photos of funny things you see in your day to day travel.

2. Mind your language

Women are very sensitive to language. They tear apart everything men say and analyze each and every word, hence the reason for the many relationship wars. For this reason women are very careful about what they say on fb but the men go wild. That’s why I have recently taken up reading books/blogs written by men as they have no filter. They let it all out. They are not as concerned about what people think of them or as sensitive to other people’s feelings on most subjects.

But if you intend to attract a woman, especially well mannered or conservative (read prudish) you going to have to stop cussing. No angry status updates, no hurling of insults, no arguing with people al over the TL. Etc.

No Spelling mistakes

(spelling mistake)

I read an article today online and the writer explained how individuals and companies lose revenue every year due to spelling mistakes on their websites. Customers are put off by any spelling mistakes they find on the websites as they believe it’s a reflection on the company’s ability to deliver goods/ service. So it’s the same for fb, try and observe the grammatical rules as much as you can. Now thanks to spell check kwa computer, you really have no excuse for breaking any rules.

3. Exercise Tolerance

They say there are 3 topics you do not discuss with complete strangers; Politics, religion and sex. I also think you should stay away from arguing with people about these even if you are into apologetics and stuff because it may drive them away. Do not go spreading hate especially as we approach the election time in Kenya, most people are very sensitive and PEV in 2008 is still fresh on their mind. But if you must “go there” try to be respectful and have content enough to support your stand. There is nothing as painful as “watching” people argue with each other on fb with limited info and bad grammar.

4. Display intelligence with a hint of humour

Try to appear intelligent and well informed on the issues happening around in your community. Comment on interesting, factual and informative status updates. Be sensitive enough to keep your bias and prejudices to yourself.  There will be plenty of time to explain later. You can occasionally give pearls of wisdom on your status update. You can google some Shakespeare or Confucius stuff to wow your female audience. Have an opinion on important stuff, have principles or things you stand for and be firm. A woman loves a man with direction and sense of purpose so give them some snippets of wisdom on the social networks. It works wonders!

Be interesting such that the lady actually looks forward to reading your profile updates and comment on them. Try to frequent fb and not only visit once a month, the lady might loose interest. On the other hand do not update status every half hour because the lady will start to wonder how old you are and if you’re really know how to use fb or have a life. Don’t always try to chat with her when she gets online you may come off as a stalker. Once in a while let her initiate the convo at least so you know isht is real.lol. But on twitter anything goes! Humour goes a long way into capturing ladies attention, if you can make a woman laugh...boss your half-way in!

5. Show some softer side

Take some photos with some cute animals or you giving back to the community or something.  Talk well about other women especially about those in your family. I saw some dude put a pic of him and his mama and I felt all warm inside. Observe women’s day and write something that will honour the women. Be aware of different important dates like the AIDs and Breast cancer awareness days. Say something on the issues to show that you genuinely care about these things that affect Kenya and the rest of the world. Women dig that!

6. Honesty

Try to fill in the information that is asked on the information section. It doesn’t have to be specific but play around with the truth; I mean you don’t want some crazy lady stalking you or something.

Stay away from weird profile names like big dick or lover boy rather just add some twist to your name if you don’t want to use your full name. Like “Tony” for Antony or “dru” for Andrew etc. Or you can have an interesting name with a story behind it so that people will be curious enough to ask you what it means. It can be an ice-breaker for you and miss-right. There is also this trend I have notice among the barbies in Nairobi, you drop all your Christian name and use only your second and surname. It makes you look important or something... i dunno!

No issues please

Always K.I.S.S (keep it short and simple)Whatever you do my friend, stay away from stirring up issues. No talking to females exclusively all over the TL all day or trying to solicit for some action in the boudoir kwa inbox- chiqs tell and you will be found out eventually. If your ex had your password please changed it ASAP because she might write stuff on your wall that may ruin your chances of moving on. Then block her and any of her loud mouthed friends who may be on some revenge missions. Hell hath no fury... you know the rest!

No saying how you’re dad never hugged you or how your ex is a hoe. No feeling sorry for yourself on the TL...+No suicide talks. I mean you don’t want her to sympathy-date you, do you now? No whining or b*tchin about this or that. It’s exhausting “listening” to you whine all day.

 Don’t show any phobias on the wall, have some mystery about you that will make the ladies curious. No grovelling or commenting on every photo, status update or blog the lady writes- It makes you look desperate. Don’t over do it man. Do not be in a hurry to ingisha her box...Remember what I told you here.

Life is already hard on us as it is; no lady needs to add your issues on top of what she is going through. This you can bring up when you are talking face to face and not displayed on the wall for all and sundry to see. It’s just not in good taste. Respect the ladies privacy no bringing up stuff you discussed in private on the TL. It might be misconstrued by other people then s*t will really hit the fan.

Tracy Chapman

When I was young, my dad love listening to music outside while he repaired his good ol’ Renault car in our old make shift garage. The car spent more time being repaired than on the road. I guess being under the hood gave him some peace or something. 

He would come into the house all gooey and reeking oil and stuff. I remember one time he removed the whole engine and placed it smack into the middle of living room and mama almost had a heart attack. So every time someone went to hit the light switch they dug their foot into the thingy and the pain hurt like a mofo. Being children with a short attention span we always forgot it was there and it was not unusual to hear someone shrieking like a banshee when they woke up in the middle in the night to drink water or something.

Now the music he listened to included Charlie pride, ABBA, Nina Masqueri(hope am spelling this right), Percy sledge, Michael Jackson, Dolly Parton, Don Williams, Tracy Chapman, Kenny Rogers, Kylie Minogue, Madonna etc. Out of all the musicians it was Tracy Chapman who really struck a chord in my heart and I suspect she cast the same spell on good ol’ dad too. We would wake up to Tracy Chapman before going to school to a point that I knew all her songs by heart. Although am pretty sure some of words as I knew them then were way off the mark. I used to wonder whether she was male or female seeing as the Cassette tapes cover had unflattering pictures of her. And her voice was kind of masculine like mine so it was hard to tell the difference.

Many musicians have “come into” my life and gone the same way they came in but Tracy Chapman is here to stay forever. I really get annoyed when people won’t just let her keep her private life private. Some of the discussions and attacks about her being gay are just cruel; with some bloggers writing that she dated American writer Alice Walker. I don’t really care what people say, all I know that she rocks and I hope my child(ren) will one day love her music too.

Her songs are so deep and poetic that sometimes I go to easylyrics.org just to read the words and get uplifted.  Her music is categorized mostly as of the alternative rock genre. It is through her music that I even became aware of instruments such as the cello, organ, ukulele, electric banjo, acoustic guitar and tambourine plus others that she has incorporated into her songs. Thanks to my brother who is a guitar player in our church I have learned to differentiate between guitars. He has tried to teach me how to play but my huge sausage fingers and impatience won’t let me concentrate.

It really sad that most people and local radio stations only know about FAST CAR, TALKIN’ BOUT REVOLUTION, BABY CAN I HOLD YOU, CROSS ROADS, GIVE ME ONE REASON and TELLING STORIES. While there are so much more awesome songs like BE CAREFUL OF MY HEART, I DID IT ALL, YOU’RE THE ONE, OPEN ARMS, ALMOST, TINMAN, SING FOR YOU, THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, BRIDGES, SMOKE AND ASHES, FOR MY LOVER, THIS TIME and MOUNTAIN O THINGS, SING FOR YOU, IF NOT NOW..., FOR YOU, FOR MY LOVER, FREEDOM NOW, SUBCITY, ALL THAT YOU HAVE IS YOUR SOUL, among others which are worth listening to. It is rare to find a musician whose songs in one album are all awesome hence my fascination with this beautiful woman.

She is considered as a politically and socially active singer/song writer seen by how she speaks so much about injustices and issues affecting people in America and the rest of the world. She holds a B.A. Degree in Anthropology and African studies which I believe has helped her not only in critical thinking but also to be able to write eloquently on issues affecting people. This is why I think everyone should go go to school even if they pursue careers in entertainment as there are some skills that you get there that you won’t get anywhere else.

By the way do you know that she also did a couple of duets? The strangest combination, I think, was with Pavarotti for BABY CAN I HOLD YOU TONIGHT, check it out of YouTube and tell me what you think. Personally I enjoyed it immensely especially since I have never pictured her genre could mesh well with classical music.

A friend of mine recently asked me if am still in “Tracy Chapman phase” and my answer is, it’s not a phase but a genuine love, respect and appreciation for the music and contribution she has made.

Please listen to one of my favourite love songs above and tell me what you think!

Spaghetti Bolognose

That moment when you eat this...

...then check out the menu to notice this... #truestory

Talk about trying to save money eating at "affordable" restaurants (cheap is such a bad word).
If i die please tell @antwarogue to clear my browsing history and no flowers at my funeral please!
Excuse me while i go buy (more like grovel at my friend who owns a chemist in the building across the street) m'self some flagyl.

Kenya is wet!

Yay! Its back to school again and i have never been so relieved. Don’t get me wrong, i love kids but being around them 24-7 can drive anyone insane. For instance my “bright” neighbour bought his kid a harmonica! Who does that? Now the child thinks he is Steve Wonder or something and somehow he always uses my door as a muse as he blows the thingy all day. And i don’t mean to be rude but that child can’t carry a tune with a bucket. So parents if you are going to buy your kids musical instruments at least follow it up with music lessons and spare us the agony of being ear-raped by their bad playing. Today i haven’t heard him play, so i guess i was saved by the school opening.

The rains are here people , its only been less than a month and it is already wreaking havoc all over the country. I literally watched on telly some dude fishing in his compound after the rains made the river banks burst somewhere in Nyanza and send fish swimming into people's compounds. You should have seen, the look on the people's faces...priceless! 

Now whatIi don't get is, why we act surprised every year when we get floods but do nothing about it. People are sent to the high grounds and then they go back afterwards. I mean isn't it about time we did something about it once and for all? Some permanent solutions by the government or at least make the water work for us by i don't know building dams or something? 

Then the worst part is that the floods are always quickly followed by a period of drought after all the crops and animals have been swept away. I'm now watching Mr.Gullet from Red cross and he is saying there are still some Kenyans on food aid.smh. Its 2012 and we still struggling to feed people while good ol' Egypt is a desert and they are more secure than we are. They have made use of technology with their limited natural resources to make it work for them. We are still in the "naomba serikal" mode while they are busy saying - in the words of Bitange Ndemo "hapa kuna kitu ya kukura" in NHIF and all.lol! It is so exhausting talking about the same thing every year...sigh!

This is what my neighbour hood looks like, (it was worse yesterday) we are prisoners in our own homes! I think i have rickets...

One of my neighbours has to "swim the moat" every morning when he leaves his house and go to pick his car which he has to park in the other estate. There are some men making a killing in our esto my literally carrying people on their backs across the water for like 20bob. The funny part is watching men getting piggyback rides. I am afraid that by the end of the rainy season our men may never have children again!