Dear men, this is how you improve your profile on social networks

I am not really a big believer on finding love on fb or the internet for that matter. It’s not so much about the stigma surrounding the thought of looking for love in cyberspace but mostly because it is really hard to get to know who someone really is. On the other hand fb has really made it easy, fast and cheaper to communicate and stay in touch with friends, family and colleagues especially those have traveled outside the country. What with the high standards of living and demanding jobs that make it hard for people to meet as regularly as they want or need to.

Although am still skeptical about people meeting new people via internet, I won’t demonize those who choose that route; to each his own. Since I can’t really speak for men as I am not a mind reader, I have taken it upon myself to give the brothers a few pointers on how they can impress the ladies on the social networks. This is just my two cents on how to impress women and it may not exhaust all the points so feel free to add more points ladies! This is especially for those blokes who have recently added their love interest on fb, twitter etc and want to make a good impression.

1. Image is everything don’t let anyone tell you different

Whatever you do, do not put passport size photos as they usually are not flattering unless it’s done by a professional photographer which of course is expensive as hell. One “STUDIO MONA” comes to mind, located along Argwins Kodhek Rd, Maasai Apartment house, Ground Floor. (And no they did not pay me to advertise). I just saw some dude with a pic he got from there and boy did it look goooooo...oood!

Please no ding dong shades (or whatever you call those glasses that take up half your face). Unless of course they are prescription glasses!

Try to have only photos of your self on the profile pic and make sure you look neat and try to smile, it will soften your look and make you seem approachable...looking like you sucked on a particularly sour lemon won’t get you noticed by the ladies.

Never put pictures of other females as your profile picture because girls will automatically assume you are married or in a relationship.

Never put pictures of children unless they are related to you. If you have children come clean because if you try to hide it someday some genius will ask you “how are the boys doing” or “when does little Stacy start school” then you will find yourself at the heartbreak hotel.

Never EVER put pictures of yourself semi-naked unless you have the body of a gladiator... please... I beg o. Some dude recently uploaded a pic of his upper torso and I swear he looked like a scrawny teenager never mind that he is in his late 20’s. The body hair and birth marks didn’t help either. And it’s really hard to take such a person seriously...I’m just saying!

Still on the above point do not put pictures of other naked women; it makes you come off as a pervert. No videos either, no one wants to know what you do during your free time sir, keep that sh*t to yourself. No sex talk on the TL, preserve that for your boys when you are discussing whatever it is that men talk about when they are alone. The lady don’t need to know what it is that you think about, it might scare her away.

If you have done all the above, please don’t try some weird Tyra like poses where you have contorted your body into weird positions. And please do not pout...no trying to reduce your eyes into slits like models do...no taking pictures of your image on the vanity mirror ... no putting on baby lotion so that your body gleams in the light...that sh*t is really scary man. And the oily lips making you look like you have just been eating nyama choma is a no no!

And unless you are a rock star or something, please stay away from make-up. No girl wants a man who rocks Maybelline better than she does!

Now thanks to various apps, people are now able to zoom in photos and see what’s behind you. The one thing that I have noticed about the older men on fb is this trend of taking photos at their place of work while sitting on a desk while holding the phone with a lap top on an empty desk. Or standing next to someone’s cars; near enough to make people think it’s yours and far enough not to set off the car alarm. Please stop, it’s just so corny! It has been done so many times its actually boring.

 In Kenya some mothers have this habit of putting crocheted vitambas (someone please translate this to the non-Swahili speakers) on the couches (sofa sets for some of you). 

                                            (notice the vitamba behind me)

I have noticed some men who also take photos while lying on a seat with vitambas. So unless you want people to think you still live with your mama, ditch the vitambas. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so choose an interesting background which will speak for you.

Always upload photos of interesting places you visit with your friends to show that you have a life. Or just some photos of funny things you see in your day to day travel.

2. Mind your language

Women are very sensitive to language. They tear apart everything men say and analyze each and every word, hence the reason for the many relationship wars. For this reason women are very careful about what they say on fb but the men go wild. That’s why I have recently taken up reading books/blogs written by men as they have no filter. They let it all out. They are not as concerned about what people think of them or as sensitive to other people’s feelings on most subjects.

But if you intend to attract a woman, especially well mannered or conservative (read prudish) you going to have to stop cussing. No angry status updates, no hurling of insults, no arguing with people al over the TL. Etc.

No Spelling mistakes

(spelling mistake)

I read an article today online and the writer explained how individuals and companies lose revenue every year due to spelling mistakes on their websites. Customers are put off by any spelling mistakes they find on the websites as they believe it’s a reflection on the company’s ability to deliver goods/ service. So it’s the same for fb, try and observe the grammatical rules as much as you can. Now thanks to spell check kwa computer, you really have no excuse for breaking any rules.

3. Exercise Tolerance

They say there are 3 topics you do not discuss with complete strangers; Politics, religion and sex. I also think you should stay away from arguing with people about these even if you are into apologetics and stuff because it may drive them away. Do not go spreading hate especially as we approach the election time in Kenya, most people are very sensitive and PEV in 2008 is still fresh on their mind. But if you must “go there” try to be respectful and have content enough to support your stand. There is nothing as painful as “watching” people argue with each other on fb with limited info and bad grammar.

4. Display intelligence with a hint of humour

Try to appear intelligent and well informed on the issues happening around in your community. Comment on interesting, factual and informative status updates. Be sensitive enough to keep your bias and prejudices to yourself.  There will be plenty of time to explain later. You can occasionally give pearls of wisdom on your status update. You can google some Shakespeare or Confucius stuff to wow your female audience. Have an opinion on important stuff, have principles or things you stand for and be firm. A woman loves a man with direction and sense of purpose so give them some snippets of wisdom on the social networks. It works wonders!

Be interesting such that the lady actually looks forward to reading your profile updates and comment on them. Try to frequent fb and not only visit once a month, the lady might loose interest. On the other hand do not update status every half hour because the lady will start to wonder how old you are and if you’re really know how to use fb or have a life. Don’t always try to chat with her when she gets online you may come off as a stalker. Once in a while let her initiate the convo at least so you know isht is real.lol. But on twitter anything goes! Humour goes a long way into capturing ladies attention, if you can make a woman laugh...boss your half-way in!

5. Show some softer side

Take some photos with some cute animals or you giving back to the community or something.  Talk well about other women especially about those in your family. I saw some dude put a pic of him and his mama and I felt all warm inside. Observe women’s day and write something that will honour the women. Be aware of different important dates like the AIDs and Breast cancer awareness days. Say something on the issues to show that you genuinely care about these things that affect Kenya and the rest of the world. Women dig that!

6. Honesty

Try to fill in the information that is asked on the information section. It doesn’t have to be specific but play around with the truth; I mean you don’t want some crazy lady stalking you or something.

Stay away from weird profile names like big dick or lover boy rather just add some twist to your name if you don’t want to use your full name. Like “Tony” for Antony or “dru” for Andrew etc. Or you can have an interesting name with a story behind it so that people will be curious enough to ask you what it means. It can be an ice-breaker for you and miss-right. There is also this trend I have notice among the barbies in Nairobi, you drop all your Christian name and use only your second and surname. It makes you look important or something... i dunno!

No issues please

Always K.I.S.S (keep it short and simple)Whatever you do my friend, stay away from stirring up issues. No talking to females exclusively all over the TL all day or trying to solicit for some action in the boudoir kwa inbox- chiqs tell and you will be found out eventually. If your ex had your password please changed it ASAP because she might write stuff on your wall that may ruin your chances of moving on. Then block her and any of her loud mouthed friends who may be on some revenge missions. Hell hath no fury... you know the rest!

No saying how you’re dad never hugged you or how your ex is a hoe. No feeling sorry for yourself on the TL...+No suicide talks. I mean you don’t want her to sympathy-date you, do you now? No whining or b*tchin about this or that. It’s exhausting “listening” to you whine all day.

 Don’t show any phobias on the wall, have some mystery about you that will make the ladies curious. No grovelling or commenting on every photo, status update or blog the lady writes- It makes you look desperate. Don’t over do it man. Do not be in a hurry to ingisha her box...Remember what I told you here.

Life is already hard on us as it is; no lady needs to add your issues on top of what she is going through. This you can bring up when you are talking face to face and not displayed on the wall for all and sundry to see. It’s just not in good taste. Respect the ladies privacy no bringing up stuff you discussed in private on the TL. It might be misconstrued by other people then s*t will really hit the fan.