Darn it, He broke me

So last night I had this dream...wait don’t close the tab, it’s pretty interesting.

In the dream I was laying in a field of grass then all of a sudden some bees got into my ears. I run around screaming for help but there was no one. Honey then started coming out of both of my ears. Some weird people got wind of the story and came out of nowhere then kidnapped me. They took me to some foreign lands where they put me in front of people who were paying to see me.

I quickly woke up sweating buckets with my heart beating so fast I thought I would die. I kept poking around with the ear buds to make sure it was just a dream. There was no way I was going back to sleep so I switched on the T.V and what do you know BBC, Aljazeera and CNN were all airing the FB IPO thingy. It’s like the whole world is so stoked about FB debuting in the trading arena. Then some dude called dick was being interviewed, some country with a party called FARC was being featured tihihihi

 (My mind is not in the gutter, my mind is the gutter)

We all know how it has been raining all over the country with scores of property and lives lost in the process due to flooding. My creative neighbour has decided to cover his clothes with some huge transparent polythene paper to shield his precious laundry from the rains. 

After many days of coming home from work after beating the traffic and finding his clothes dripping wet, he decided to come up with this ingenious idea.

I noticed this as I was on my way to print yet another application letter, which probably some human resources manager is going to shred or use as a coaster. Since I do not have a personal printer I’m forced to do it at this shop which offers printing services a few blocks from our building. The owner of the shop is a very fine young man. Now I know for sure that God has favourites. He has everything. If i was to use the word swag, I would say he got it. But I won’t use it.  I swear if you squint kidogo he looks like a mix of Aldis Hodge and Lance gross. I would be lying if I didn’t say that the thought of putting him on the counter and spreading him like butter hasn’t crossed my mind. Where are the talent scouts when you need them? This dude should be on the cover of GQ, FHM magazine or something already! I know most of my posts are always all Alice in wonderland but I kid you not, that boy is fiiiiiine! I would take pictures of him but I don’t want him to get a restraining order on me.

Every time I go there I find young girls and even grown a** women shamelessly flirting with him. I on the other hand keep it strictly professional and avoid chewing the fat with him. Whenever I go there I make sure to give him a frosty look and speak to him brusquely. It’s obvious that every one has fallen for his charms, so I took it upon my self to be that girl who would not fall for his nice teeth and beautiful smile. Growing up in the village, you get used to getting whistles and catcalls from the boys sitting kwa the mung’etho base. Now thanks to that experience I have developed a great poker face and can easily mask my emotions.

He already has me bathing every time I leave the house and dressing better since his shop is on my way to the supermarket. I miss the days when I could go out freely in my headscarf and Baygone or western union branded T-shirts and some shorts. He just had to put his shop smack in the middle of my way and bewitch me with his smile looking all debonair in his fine clothes mschew!!!

  

Now it has become a sort of a game which of course I win all the time as MCdreamy is not even aware he is in it. I wanted to see how long I can stay before warming up to him. He is going to work harer than that if he hopes to see my yellowing buck teeth. You know those games you normally play in your head (or it’s just me?) Like how you step out of the matatu in a traffic jam and try to outrun it so that you do not regret alighting before you reach your destination because of impatience. Or how you give your self a certain number of minutes to reach some building in town to see how fast you are. Or how you make a kamikaze dash in the supermarkets to try and exit via the entrance side just to annoy the soja. BTW Back in the village I was able to do this so many times as the guards as not as strict but here in Nairobi...man *whistle* soja is alert vibaya. But one of these days I will break this record, you just wait.

So today when I got there I pretended to be looking at the computer while covertly looking at him. Oh the things he does to me! I suspect that Mcdreamy has also started playing games with me too. He is trying to get me to make small talk but so far he hasn’t been able to.

So there I was sitting fiddling with the mouse with sweaty palms, then this mother walks in with this small cute boy no more than 5 years old. Then what does Mcdreamy do? He sends the kid to ask me my name. So the kid walks to me and asks me “aunty unaitwa nani?” then I tell him. Then out of nowhere he asks me “na wewe ni years old ngapi”. This last question just got me and I just went into fits of laughter complete with a little snorting. People in the shop were so pissed and kept giving me dirty looks. I laughed so hard I cried and almost wet m’self. That small boy broke me. Why do kids have to be so darn cute? Now I know why Jesus said “let the children come to me”. They just have this way of disarming people with their innocence. Now I have to change shop and find someone else to “play” with...sigh!