Bills of my father

Ephesians 6:2 Honour thy father and mother: which is the first commandment with a promise.

Ephesians 6:4 And ye fathers provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

When I was growing up they drummed the Ephesians 6:2 in our minds. In fact it was the first verse in the bible that I was able to memorize. Not once did I hear the Sunday school teacher mention the 4^th verse.

 I guess they did not want us to grow big heads.

Anyway a few days ago we were having a talk with my gal friends and somehow the talk became about our parents. I was shocked to hear horror stories about the mean things some parents do to their kids. One girl was about to get married so her boyfriend came home with his “boys” to pay the bride price. Now the story goes that after the parents saw the expensive car in which the boy came in they decided to up the bride price. What they didn’t know is that the car belonged to one of his friends. When I heard the money quoted, I almost chocked on my Fanta. Whatever happened to dowry being just a token of appreciation? That’s like selling you daughter or something.

 (I suspect this is why some girls never leave abusive marriages; because when they think of all the money ninja paid it’s just not worth it. Besides their parents will insist that she go back because they can’t refund the money)

See when you ask for such high bride price chances are that’s the last time you will ever receive anything from the couple. My B.F.F tells me that is why you find that these days young people no longer help their parents financially. As far as they are concerned, mulimalizana baada ya mahari(read refund) kulipwa.  

What also surprised me is that there are even some cultures in Kenya if your parents eloped and never paid bride price then, when a man wants to marry one of the daughters, he has to start by paying the mothers bride price. I remember in my village a similar case where a girl was in the same situation and her boyfriend was unable to raise the money then she killed herself. That’s just how serious some of these cultural practices can negatively affect the younger generation.

In the past we would watch our parents take care of grandparents and we would visit them every chance we got during Christmas and other school holidays. But all that is slowly dying. One of the ladies told me without flinching, that the last time she saw her mother was 4 years ago. And she didn’t see anything wrong with that! Most people talk to their mama almost every day. If some of you went four years without talking to your mamas, your face would be the first on the K.C.C milk carton for real.

 I think what made it easy for the older generation to take care of their parents it was because their parents gave them the best. They worked their fingers to the bone to make sure they exhaled in life. They even made sure they had property for their children to inherit long after they were gone.

Nowadays very few parents leave behind property for their children to inherit thanks to the high standards of living. Another lady told us that her parents are in their 70’s and still live in a rental house thanks to their father who drank the family’s fortune. Now she has to pay her rent plus theirs.  

We have some parents who think they can use their children as their retirement plan. They invest wrongly and misuse their savings knowing at the back of their minds their children will rescue them in their old age. I was watching with horror an interview of a woman on telly who was asked what she wants for her daughter in future...and the woman goes “I want her to grow up, get a good job and take care of us”. No wonder the circle of poverty will never end in some African society. Even the dreams we have for our children are myopic. You want your child to get a job and take care of you...baas that’s it!

Personally I want my children to exhale in life. I want them to go to out to the world and see things which I have only dreamed of. I want them to be happy and know that they can be anything they want to be. I hope that I be secure enough to never need anything from them. If it means me checking m’self into an old age home with whats left of my pension then so be it. If it means working way after my retirement age then by jove i will do it. I do not want to leave any baggage or bills for my children.

I was talking to one old man a few days back. He told me when he was building the family home he ran out of funds midway. He needed like half a million to complete it. The funny part is his kids are abroad doing very well and they could have easily sent him the money. So when I inquired why he didn’t ask his kids for some mulla, he was shocked “everybody knows you do not take money from your children” was his argument. 

(I guess he has not talked to many parents!)

When I was in high school another boy whose parents had sold stuff to put him through college died. His morose father was so bitter he opened the coffin and started beating his dead body. It was so sad everyone was aghast! The poor mans dreams had died with his son, or rather that’s what he thought! He had already spent the money he thought his child would make in his head but now it was gone.

It’s so sad that now you hear parents dying and leaving their children huge bills to settle. I’m not talking medical bills here. I’m talking gambling debts, credit card debts all which are not that important. 

They ruin their own lives; their children’s lives and are now busy stealing from their children’s children’s future. I was reading a story where a woman took her grand daughters credit card and maxed it out. When she was sued she told the judge that the grand daughter owed her for taking care of her when her mother abandoned her. So sad!

A young man called me for advice a few years back. His parents wanted him to take a loan for a project they were working on. These parents have everything as they were civil servants during their working years and continue to receive their pension to date. What they wanted to do with the money was not that important. It could wait.

 (If it’s a medical bill, by all means take a loan because life is more important than money. If they need money for food or building their homes that is fine too. But for luxury items like gambling, going on cruise, investing etc it’s not worth it). 

When I told him not to do it, people thought that I was callous. The young man was fresh from college, had student loans and was also thinking of pursuing his master’s degree which were more urgent but no one wanted to hear my argument. Well the company he was working with was downsizing and they let him go. I don’t even want to tell you how devastated the man was.

Money is thicker than blood now! And Shakespeare warned you about mixing money and friends (read family) but who listens to advice anymore?

…Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

If you are a young person, start working for you future and children’s future. If you can, give them a good head start in life with good education. Don’t compromise on education. Even if you and your partner don’t get along, never ever use your child’s needs as a bargaining chip, the kids will pay for it later. In fact the very same parents will be lucky if the collateral damage of neglecting their parental duties won’t come to bite them in the kaboose later. 

Ps. The title of the post was inspired by this famous quotes;

For the sins of your fathers you, though guiltless, must suffer." - Horace, "Odes," III, 6, l. 1.

The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children." - Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice," act III, sc. V, l. 1

Religion in relationships

Relationships are hard work even if the conditions are perfect eg you both are great people, wonderful personalities, great jobs, supportive in-laws etc. Now throw in a few challenges like different tribes, mean in laws, different social/economic backgrounds etc and see how it gets messier. I always recommend that people hook-up with people who they have more similarities than differences...but what do i know?

Anyhu, did you know that among the top reasons why people get divorced one of them is attributed to religious differences? Yup, Truestory!

It’s mostly difficult when your spouse decides to make a lifestyle change like, say- take up a new religion which you had not anticipated.

Will your relationship survive if your lover picks up a new quasi religion with poleaxing practises such as drinking their urine, eating the baby’s placenta, talking to the dead with Ouija board and all?

Now this is what they should include in them premarital counselling classes.

Remember in the book I reviewed “PS-I scored the bridesmaids” the protagonist’s girlfriend decides to get him on a diet and he ends up being unable to go for number too in the bog.LOL!

I was talking to my friend and I happened to mention that you cannot ignore your better half’s religion and she brushed me off. She argues that love is enough and religion is, in her words “no biggie”.

Nobody ever listens to me... sigh!

Well a few days later she was invited by her boyfriend to attend their church then reality set in. She did not understand what was going on from beginning of the Church service to the end. She later called me all careworn as things went pear-shaped asking me what is she going to do and I didn’t have the heart to tell her – told you so! Now she is engulfed in a maelstrom which she is not sure how she will get out of.

Another friend of mine also invited her boyfriend to our very charismatic church where we leave it all on the church floor when it comes to worship. Nothing is too good for our dear Lord. I’m talking speaking-in-tongues, falling on the floor flailing, jumping-up-and-down, shouting and all, kind of service. He being a foreigner found all this very amusing and actually whipped out his camera and started shooting. After church he was mimicking the words the woman speaking in tongues next to us was uttering. He couldn’t stop laughing all the way from church. Our peculiar worshipping habits had given the guy a mother lode of material to mock as with. My friend and I were so embarrassed and annoyed we never talked the whole way home.

The lady who does my hair decided to ask me a few questions about “my people”

(Remember here I appointed my self a spokes person job. You all know I never mind my own business, I mean when there’s all other people’s business waiting for me to mind.lol)

Her husbands subscribes to one of those religious cults commonly found in western and Nyanza province in Kenya. They (the faithfully fellow worshippers) came into the house for a worship sessions and scared the hell into the poor girl. They were lighting candles, singing in unintelligible words and dancing around the house. The leader proceeded to drink water and spit on all of them and nearly ruined her new luxurious expensive weave with saliva and H20. Now the part that made her hackles rise was when she was asked to give her underwear so that they could pray for her and her husbands union to be cemented. She then opted out and her husband is now giving her the silent treatment.

I remember we argued with another young man who could not understand why I tithe. He said there was not way in hell (yes he said hell) he was going to give some pastor his hard earned money. According to him all pastors are lazy and want to live off their congregation. Eventually I got tired of his blasphemous jokes and moved on.

Did you know there are some Christians who do not believe in celebrating your birthday? According to them some woman ruined it when she asked an assassin to bring the head of a certain guy she wanted dead as proof of a job well done (they didn’t have polaroids then, you see). Now the head was presented during someone’s birthday and ruined it for everyone else. So you definitely know Christmas is also out of question. Blimey, Imagine no Christmas! I would die slowly every year especially if I have children who want to celebrate their birthdays like their friends do.

Some religions abhor eating meat. Imagine no juicy steak for you, no more nyama choma sunday afternoons.oh! I would die!

Some religions also don’t allow for postmortems, so if God forbid somebody efs you then we will never know the C.O.D ( I should stop watching them CSI series.LOL). There are those which do not allow blood transfusion so if again God forbid you should need blood, you will have to revise your will or cross your fingers and hope the grim reaper does not come for you.

When the bible said you cannot be equally yoked with an unbeliever, I think it was meant to warn us about being unable to be on the same page with non believers. Religion is very important. Your belief system affects how you relate with yourself and the rest of the world. It will influence how you raise your children. It literally dictates how we live every sphere of our lives so it will definitely affect everyone we live with especially the spouses.

The excuse I hear women use is that it doesn't matter, besides i don't go to church anymore ...blah ..blah ...blah. Thing is you never know when the long arm of the Lord will catch up with you or your spouse and you decided to take your spiritual life seriously.

This is especially crucial for women because they are the ones who are supposed to follow the man who is the head of the home. You need to ask yourself if you can subscribe to their way of worship. You have to be familiar with their beliefs and see if you can integrate it into every sphere of your life. Are you willing to chew the placenta? Are you willing to forgo the birthday? are you willing to go to that church that the preacher talks as if your are half deaf(never mind he has a microphone)? Do you want to go to the church they pray for a whole day?

Most women can fake their way out of anything but if your husband is a religious leader then there is definitely going to be a few hard questions you need to ask yourself. I don’t want to scare anyone but I just thought I would put it out there. At least you won’t say I didn’t warn you!

It’s not what it looks like

I broke the bed. It wasn’t deliberate though. You see I have this ritual every night whereby just before I hit the sack, I wet this old towel and channel my pent-up primitive sexual energy (Korean air will never hear the end of this joke, we still have some good mileage for the guilt trip we will take them) swatting them pesky mosquitoes. Living in this ghetto means that we have poor drainage systems with still water that are rich breeding grounds for these insects. As a derelict I can’t really choose where the house I crush in is situated. Beggars can’t be choosers right? This is the best I can do to try kill these mosquitoes who have turned my body into an all-you-can-eat buffet. Msschew!

So last night I was on top of the bed doing my thing... swatting the mosquitoes... I mean. Then WHAM! The bed comes crashing down under me. In the morning my brother who is a heavy sleeper saunters into the living room to find me curled in a foetal position on the couch. I tell him what happened and he offers to look at it.

He flips the mattress and the tawdry puckered beddings, to find the mangled bed then he gives me the “what-the” look. ‘What were you doing in to this bed’? I explain to him the story and he gives me this look like he is not buying it. I don’t blame him because as I narrate the story, it sounds ridiculous even to me.

He goes on to explain something Physic ish about sijui pressure over Area force...something ...something... ZZZZZZZZ.

I don’t know why he never dumbs down this technical stuff for me.

(he lost me at something about the bed meant to support my by body spread out not on one area -or something like that)

This incident got me thinking about the Athlete Kemboi and Njeri story. There seem to be a lot of unsolicited opinions from different people about what they think might have transpired. Since Kemboi is well known more people seem inclined to believe his story. And am thinking what if Njeri is actually telling the truth. I mean the truth isn’t always logical or black and white. Sometimes it can come off as convoluted and strange. (Take the Korean air ‘primitive energy’ story, what if it was just a case of meaning lost in translation and we were too quick to go postal on their behinds. Although I think being international they should have ensured that the words used on the adverts are not offensive) Sometimes when people tell you the truth is sounds like a whole load of cobblers and you couldn’t be bothered to believe it. Anyway everyone is titled to their own opinion and it’s up to the court to prove whose right.

Ps. They lied, the truth doesn’t set you free, they set the other person free.