Ephesians
6:2 Honour thy father and mother: which is the first commandment with a
promise.
Ephesians
6:4 And ye fathers provoke not your
children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord.
When I was growing up they drummed the
Ephesians 6:2 in our minds. In fact it was the first verse in the bible that I
was able to memorize. Not once did I hear the Sunday school teacher mention the
4th verse.
I guess they did not want us to grow big
heads.
Anyway a few days ago we were having a talk
with my gal friends and somehow the talk became about our parents. I was
shocked to hear horror stories about the mean things some parents do to their
kids. One girl was about to get married so her boyfriend came home with his “boys”
to pay the bride price. Now the story goes that after the parents saw the expensive
car in which the boy came in they decided to up the bride price. What they
didn’t know is that the car belonged to one of his friends. When I heard the
money quoted, I almost chocked on my Fanta. Whatever happened to dowry being
just a token of appreciation? That’s like selling you daughter or something.
(I suspect this is why some girls never leave
abusive marriages; because when they think of all the money ninja paid it’s
just not worth it. Besides their parents will insist that she go back because
they can’t refund the money)
See when you ask for such high bride price
chances are that’s the last time you will ever receive anything from the
couple. My B.F.F tells me that is why you find that these days young people no
longer help their parents financially. As far as they are concerned, mulimalizana baada ya mahari(read refund)
kulipwa.
What also surprised me is that there are
even some cultures in Kenya if your parents eloped and never paid bride price
then, when a man wants to marry one of the daughters, he has to start by paying
the mothers bride price. I remember in my village a similar case where a girl
was in the same situation and her boyfriend was unable to raise the money then
she killed herself. That’s just how serious some of these cultural practices
can negatively affect the younger generation.
In the past we would watch our parents take
care of grandparents and we would visit them every chance we got during
Christmas and other school holidays. But all that is slowly dying. One of the ladies
told me without flinching, that the last time she saw her mother was 4 years
ago. And she didn’t see anything wrong with that! Most people talk to their
mama almost every day. If some of you went four years without talking to your
mamas, your face would be the first on the K.C.C milk carton for real.
I
think what made it easy for the older generation to take care of their parents
it was because their parents gave them the best. They worked their fingers to
the bone to make sure they exhaled in life. They even made sure they had
property for their children to inherit long after they were gone.
Nowadays very few parents leave behind
property for their children to inherit thanks to the high standards of living. Another
lady told us that her parents are in their 70’s and still live in a rental
house thanks to their father who drank the family’s fortune. Now she has to pay
her rent plus theirs.
We have some parents who think they can use
their children as their retirement plan. They invest wrongly and misuse their
savings knowing at the back of their minds their children will rescue them in
their old age. I was watching with horror an interview of
a woman on telly who was asked what she wants for her daughter in future...and
the woman goes “I want her to grow up, get a good job and take care of us”. No
wonder the circle of poverty will never end in some African society. Even the
dreams we have for our children are myopic. You want your child to get a job
and take care of you...baas that’s
it!
Personally I want my children to exhale in
life. I want them to go to out to the world and see things which I have only
dreamed of. I want them to be happy and know that they can be anything they
want to be. I hope that I be secure enough to never need anything from them. If
it means me checking m’self into an old age home with whats left of my pension then
so be it. If it means working way after my retirement age then by jove i will
do it. I do not want to leave any baggage or bills for my children.
I was talking to one old man a few days
back. He told me when he was building the family home he ran out of funds
midway. He needed like half a million to complete it. The funny part is his
kids are abroad doing very well and they could have easily sent him the money.
So when I inquired why he didn’t ask his kids for some mulla, he was shocked
“everybody knows you do not take money from your children” was his argument.
(I guess he has not talked to many parents!)
When I was in high school another boy whose
parents had sold stuff to put him through college died. His morose father was
so bitter he opened the coffin and started beating his dead body. It was so sad
everyone was aghast! The poor mans dreams had died with his son, or rather
that’s what he thought! He had already spent the money he thought his child
would make in his head but now it was gone.
It’s so sad that now you hear parents dying
and leaving their children huge bills to settle. I’m not talking medical bills
here. I’m talking gambling debts, credit card debts all which are not that important.
They ruin their own lives; their children’s lives and are now busy stealing
from their children’s children’s future. I was reading a story where a woman
took her grand daughters credit card and maxed it out. When she was sued she
told the judge that the grand daughter owed her for taking care of her when her
mother abandoned her. So sad!
A young man called me for advice a few years
back. His parents wanted him to take a loan for a project they were working on.
These parents have everything as they were civil servants during their working
years and continue to receive their pension to date. What they wanted to do
with the money was not that important. It could wait.
(If it’s a medical bill, by all means take a loan because life is more
important than money. If they need money for food or building their homes that
is fine too. But for luxury items like gambling, going on cruise, investing etc
it’s not worth it).
When I told him not to do it, people thought that I was
callous. The young man was fresh from college, had student loans and was also
thinking of pursuing his master’s degree which were more urgent but no one
wanted to hear my argument. Well the company he was working with was downsizing
and they let him go. I don’t even want to tell you how devastated the man was.
Money is thicker than blood now! And
Shakespeare warned you about mixing money and friends (read family) but who
listens to advice anymore?
…Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
If you are a young person, start working
for you future and children’s future. If you can, give them a good head start
in life with good education. Don’t compromise on education. Even if you and
your partner don’t get along, never ever use your child’s needs as a bargaining
chip, the kids will pay for it later. In fact the very same parents will be
lucky if the collateral damage of neglecting their parental duties won’t come
to bite them in the kaboose later.
Ps. The title of the post was inspired by
this famous quotes;
For the sins of your fathers you, though
guiltless, must suffer." - Horace, "Odes," III, 6, l. 1.
The sins of the father are to be laid upon
the children." - Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice," act III,
sc. V, l. 1
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