Why I think football is a Religion (cult is such a bad word)

I do not like football. Notice I did not say hate! So don’t you go misquoting me my lovely people lest am chased down the village with pitch forks and flaming torches by football fans. Its just that am love-challenged when it comes to watching football. I mean grown a** men and women running around a huge field dressed in shorts, jerseys, knee-length socks and spiky shoes chasing around a leather ball for ninety minutes doesn’t exactly sound like fun to me. But I totally respect the men and women who have dedicated their lives to perfecting their skills in this game. It takes a lot of time, dedication and sacrifice to do what they do (at least that’s what football lovers tell me)

With that said I have a confession to make. I went out with my gals a few days back and I was influenced to watch one football match. Young people don’t let them lie to you, peer pressure doesn’t end when you finish college or get older, it only gets worse...sigh!

So there I was tryna make sense of it all and failing miserably. Good thing one of my girls was also clueless so we decided to discuss other interesting things. Did you know that you can know what time it is by looking at someone’s shadow? No sh*t! At least that’s what my girl told me. So we spent the next ninety minutes of the game trying to guess what time it was in the country where the game was being played, whose shorts hugged them well and left little to the imagination*wink twice*, looking at  fans going crazy when they see themselves on the big screen thingy. Priceless! Don’t forget the referees’ reaction throughout the game. There is this one particular couch whose facial expression I like, I believe he is called Ferguson, but I call him Fergie. I especially love how he chews gum- makes my table manners not seem so bad.LOL.

But back to keeping the main thing the main thing. You must admit...football is freakishly becoming a religion in our country thanks to kina supersports being made available in every pub nowadays. I was good in C.R.E (who wasn’t) and scored a clean A in my K.C.S.E results but failed most of the other subjects and my parents asked me if I wanted to become a Reverend (but that’s a story for another blog post-remind me if I forget; my memory ain’t what it used to be my friends). Where was I...oh yes...the connection between religion and football!

 1. Belief in the supernatural and ultimate reality beyond human existence

They pray before the game and after the game. and yes lovely people, I was shocked to find that there are some supernatural things happening in the football world. One ati David Beckham can kick the ball and make it go in a curve which no other footballer can do. O.o! In fact there is even a movie based on this and some expression that i hear even rappers use (bend it like Beckham)- how cool is that? There are even some blogs where people try to explain scientifically how he is able to do that- i tried reading it but they lost me at the Magnus effect when my head started to hurt. Wait there’s more, am told there is someone by the name Jay Jay Okocha who when he kicks a ball it goes spinning very fast into the net such that the goalkeeper cannot touch it. Really???? You can even watch on YouTube how to kick the ball like these legends.

2. There is a moral code of ethics that dictates behaviour

There are a lot of do’s and don’t on the field. For instance, you cannot touch the ball with your hand seeing as this is clearly not handball. You cannot go into the opposing team without any opponents with you as it is considered as an “Offside”! Don’t ask me why!

3. They incorporate common emotional and intuitive human feelings

The game arouses “religious feelings” like sense of guilt, joy, adoration...depending on which team you are on. Have you heard the way men scream like banshees in the pub when someone scores, its deafening! And have you seen how people cry and sulk when they lose? So sad! I mean this is the only time men act all gay and they do not even care! Jumping on top of each other’s head, hugging, cupping each other’s faces n sh*t and kissing...yawa!

4. Affects lifestyle, fashion and trends

You see people wearing jerseys with their favourite team’s logo written on it. People even do their hairstyles by copying what their favourite footballer does just coz.LOL

5. Martyrs and sacrifices

You have heard of martyrs (btw way love how Americans pronounce this word) and suicide bombers right? People dying for the sake of their religion. right? Well believe it or not there have been a couple of people who have killed themselves in the name of the game. Every year hundreds of people also die in stampedes as fans struggle to get into the football arena- am thinking human sacrifice!

6. Rituals and celebrations

You definitely have seen the weird dances teams have for when they manage to score. You also know the tables they draft every year showing the way teams will play against each other. I believe they toss a coin...no...? ok I dunno! The various championship cups n stuff!

Book review

I was stuck in traffic a few days ago and a frightening thought came to my mind! I spend about one and a half hours to get to town, then the same going back home in the evening. So according to my calculations that is 3hours a day wasted chocking on people colognes and sweat in the mat. In a week that's 15 hours, in a month that's 60 hours... in a year that's 720hrs of my life spent doing nothing. So in a lifetime calculate the number of hours of your life spent stuck in traffic which , mark you, you will never get back!

So as a resource full person I decided to utilize this time by reading books and guess what i managed to finish a book of almost 300 pages in just a week. Now I look forward to getting into a matatu every morning and evening because at least I get some reading done. I had started slacking off but now am back on track. Too bad my kabambe has no dictionary so am forced to infer the vocabularies i come across...sigh!

I have also discovered some young men along Tom Mboya street who sell nice books at only 50bob. At first I thought they were tricking me so as soon as they gave me the book I ran all the way into the mat lest they follow me for some more(money, i mean). I'm just sad that they do not know just how expensive those books are in the bookshop. They are settling for less but am happy because at least I get to buy books with my lunch allowance. I have lost 4kg thanks to reading books #truestory. I went to the hospital yesterday and as usual they weighed me and asked me if i was preggers (but that's a story for another blog). I was shocked to find that I have started loosing the weight I had gained over Christmas. Now if only I can find my new years resolutions list which I had written last year...oh well!

The book I have just read is called 'When will Jesus bring the pork chops" by George Carlin. 

Just as the title suggests the writer mocks Christianity and other religions. He also says in the reviews that I have read that it was intentional as he wanted to irritate them. The cover also pictures him sitting where Jesus sat in the picture of the last supper with an empty plate and forks as if he is waiting for a second helping of food.

The book mostly mocks the American language which is famous for euphemisms. He reckons that Americans have gone soft as they try to feminize language. He thinks people are trying to run away from reality by hiding behind politically correct language. He doesn't spare anyone in his sarcastic words from politicians, the hotel industry, schools, relationships and yes even religion. Like when they use words like Issues instead of saying problems, mentally handicapped for crazy people, differently abled for being slow,Severe appearance deficit for being ugly,full-figured for fat people. 

He wonders if eventually we will have to change the phrases that use these words eg it's not over until the full-figured woman sings, In the kingdom of the blind(visually impaired), the one-eyed man(partially-sighted person) is king, an eye for an eye renders all of us visually impaired.

You can read his quotes in  When will Jesus bring the pork chops-Quotes to get a feel of what the book is all about. I must warn that if you don't have the stomach for all the vitriol atheist spew you will be really offended by the book so brace yourself. In my opinion I think he is funny and wonderful to read with a dark sense of humour. Think Fahreed Khimani (of X-Fm Radio) and Holden Caulifield ( fictional character in "The Catcher in the Rye") but only on ten pints of "grandpa's cough medicine" lol. 

The book has been broken down in sections sort of like a compilation of blog posts with a running theme from beginning to end. Its best for people who hate those looooong books that have to be read all at once in order to make sense of it all. It gives you the option of reading the topics you like and ignore the once you do not care about. Anyways if you read it be sure you will be entertained!

ta ta 

lovely people!

ps for those who hate reading there is an audio version of it on Youtube.

Don’t you dare talk about her you @&*$@+*%

I was talking to a young man who thought that we are destined to be together but (there’s always a but), there was this little 64 kg problem…he had a girlfriend! As if that wasn’t the bad enough, he had the gull to start talking trash about her. He figured in his small mind that if I knew how miserable he was in his relationship I would be on board and Sympathy-date him.smh!

If there is one thing I hate more than badly cooked food, is people who bad mouth people who they are still dating. If you are so miserable why don’t you leave already! I wish I could say I hate it because of my feminist side but its not. It’s for selfish reasons! I usually think to myself if he is talking about her behind her back, what will stop him from talking about me when we get together? I am very anal about it; I have friends I don’t talk to because of this behavior especially when I discovered the other person is not even aware of their dissatisfaction in the relationship. As soon as those words come out of your mouth, I run for the hills!

What got my goats was when the ninja was saying how stupid she was, she was a gold digger, she was a hoe…blah …blah …blah...yuck …yuck …yuck…I wanted to rip out my uterus and choke him with it nkt! What even got my goats and melted my cheese was when I found out they had been going out for two years!!!! Dude it took you two years to know babygal is stupid? What does that say about your IQ though?

Or those people who are dating married men for years hoping that would leave their wives. He uses words like ‘my wife doesn’t love me, she let her self go, she doesn’t satisfy me in bed’, to reel you in. I have even sat with chiqs claiming how better they are in bed than their sugar daddy’s wife, how they make him happier than their wives ever could and I almost want to slit my wrist or drink bleach and die. I mean are some people retarded? If he is so unhappy, why is he still married? How do you know all this things are all true? Have you heard the wives version? I mean how do you know if he is not lying just to get your sympathy?

All mistresses need to understand and get it into their thick skulls that the chances of the married guy leaving their wives for you are very slim. And if they do leave their wives the chances of them going for another woman after you is even higher. He is wasting your time especially if you ever hope to settle down and get kids. By the time you realize he is never going to leave wifey the men your age would have moved on and you will be forced to move on to another married man. It’s very hard to leave that life of being kept once you start.I'm sue no woman wants to spend the rest of her life jumping from one married men to another, it will eventually get old!

But because as usual no one ever listens to what I say…go ahead babygal, do your thing. But for crying out loud don’t talk about the poor wife/girlfriend, whose only mistake was falling in love with “your man” before you did. She may not even know that Mr. McDreamy is unhappy with her…sigh!

ps.in a totally unrelated topic-please ladies if you are going to cut your work jacket into a boyfriend jacket do it properly. im tired of seeing jackets with one sleeve longer than the other!smh