Why I think football is a Religion (cult is such a bad word)

I do not like football. Notice I did not say hate! So don’t you go misquoting me my lovely people lest am chased down the village with pitch forks and flaming torches by football fans. Its just that am love-challenged when it comes to watching football. I mean grown a** men and women running around a huge field dressed in shorts, jerseys, knee-length socks and spiky shoes chasing around a leather ball for ninety minutes doesn’t exactly sound like fun to me. But I totally respect the men and women who have dedicated their lives to perfecting their skills in this game. It takes a lot of time, dedication and sacrifice to do what they do (at least that’s what football lovers tell me)

With that said I have a confession to make. I went out with my gals a few days back and I was influenced to watch one football match. Young people don’t let them lie to you, peer pressure doesn’t end when you finish college or get older, it only gets worse...sigh!

So there I was tryna make sense of it all and failing miserably. Good thing one of my girls was also clueless so we decided to discuss other interesting things. Did you know that you can know what time it is by looking at someone’s shadow? No sh*t! At least that’s what my girl told me. So we spent the next ninety minutes of the game trying to guess what time it was in the country where the game was being played, whose shorts hugged them well and left little to the imagination*wink twice*, looking at  fans going crazy when they see themselves on the big screen thingy. Priceless! Don’t forget the referees’ reaction throughout the game. There is this one particular couch whose facial expression I like, I believe he is called Ferguson, but I call him Fergie. I especially love how he chews gum- makes my table manners not seem so bad.LOL.

But back to keeping the main thing the main thing. You must admit...football is freakishly becoming a religion in our country thanks to kina supersports being made available in every pub nowadays. I was good in C.R.E (who wasn’t) and scored a clean A in my K.C.S.E results but failed most of the other subjects and my parents asked me if I wanted to become a Reverend (but that’s a story for another blog post-remind me if I forget; my memory ain’t what it used to be my friends). Where was I...oh yes...the connection between religion and football!

 1. Belief in the supernatural and ultimate reality beyond human existence

They pray before the game and after the game. and yes lovely people, I was shocked to find that there are some supernatural things happening in the football world. One ati David Beckham can kick the ball and make it go in a curve which no other footballer can do. O.o! In fact there is even a movie based on this and some expression that i hear even rappers use (bend it like Beckham)- how cool is that? There are even some blogs where people try to explain scientifically how he is able to do that- i tried reading it but they lost me at the Magnus effect when my head started to hurt. Wait there’s more, am told there is someone by the name Jay Jay Okocha who when he kicks a ball it goes spinning very fast into the net such that the goalkeeper cannot touch it. Really???? You can even watch on YouTube how to kick the ball like these legends.

2. There is a moral code of ethics that dictates behaviour

There are a lot of do’s and don’t on the field. For instance, you cannot touch the ball with your hand seeing as this is clearly not handball. You cannot go into the opposing team without any opponents with you as it is considered as an “Offside”! Don’t ask me why!

3. They incorporate common emotional and intuitive human feelings

The game arouses “religious feelings” like sense of guilt, joy, adoration...depending on which team you are on. Have you heard the way men scream like banshees in the pub when someone scores, its deafening! And have you seen how people cry and sulk when they lose? So sad! I mean this is the only time men act all gay and they do not even care! Jumping on top of each other’s head, hugging, cupping each other’s faces n sh*t and kissing...yawa!

4. Affects lifestyle, fashion and trends

You see people wearing jerseys with their favourite team’s logo written on it. People even do their hairstyles by copying what their favourite footballer does just coz.LOL

5. Martyrs and sacrifices

You have heard of martyrs (btw way love how Americans pronounce this word) and suicide bombers right? People dying for the sake of their religion. right? Well believe it or not there have been a couple of people who have killed themselves in the name of the game. Every year hundreds of people also die in stampedes as fans struggle to get into the football arena- am thinking human sacrifice!

6. Rituals and celebrations

You definitely have seen the weird dances teams have for when they manage to score. You also know the tables they draft every year showing the way teams will play against each other. I believe they toss a coin...no...? ok I dunno! The various championship cups n stuff!