look what anger made me do...

In my last blog post, I talked about being dead to corruption of any sort and I may have mentioned that we need to die to anger. I’m a very good example of what anger can make you do.

Before you read on ,promise you wont judge me or look at me different.

Yes, I catch feelings sometimes. am human after all.

The first time I became aware of just how destructive anger is was when I was in primary school.

I cant remember the year though.

My cousins were teasing me about something for days and I was getting pretty annoyed. I was too afraid to say anything at first because I wanted to be agreeable, cool and didn’t want to lose any friends.

I let family and friends walk all over me and get away with a lot of things until I couldn’t.

The last straw was when my cousin got physical with me and poking me as she made fun of me. It was one thing calling me names from afar but when you come all up in my face then we have a problem. Though she was older than me, I grabbed her by the neck,dropped her to the ground and started choking her. She scratched my face , punched me in the stomach but I could not let go. It was like my belly and my face was on fire but I was stuck on her neck. The other kids tried to intervene but alas .All of a sudden she started having seizures and I got scared and let go. One of my smart cousins knew what to do and calmed her down ,She was so shocked that she never even cried.

It was the worst day of my life and to this date I still remember the scene very well: what I was wearing, what she was wearing, the exact spot where I threw her …

The next day she woke up very sick and had to be hospitalized and I felt so horrible.I thought it was my fault. I cried buckets that day. We never even went out to play the next day.The previous days events stuck on our minds.

I lost my innocence that day when i learnt that i had the power to hurt other people.Who would have thought that inside my small body there was a little monster that reared its ugly head that day. Its a lot for a small girl to fathom.

I later learned that she actually had malaria.

The other kids didn’t report me because they also said stuff to set me off and they knew if they told they'd be telling on themselves too. I was so mad at myself that the next day I bit into a bar soap.

Believe me when I say soap does not taste good at all.

That’s when I knew I had to change.

I mean I almost killed my cousin! how messed up was that?

I started reading books on anger and dealing with issues and not let them pile up. I started crying a lot too which seemed to calm me down whenever im annoyed or frustrated. Up to this day I am afraid to get into fights. In school I let people beat me up because I knew that my inner demon could come out and I could do a lot of damage.

Or maybe i thought i deserve the beatings for nearly killing my cousin.
A way for atoning for my sins.
A way to make myself feel better. i dunno...

Imagine me giving up a good fight because of what I could do and not getting beat up ,weird. I know.

Ive never even beat up any of my siblings or any child for that matter.

God knows i have wanted to light up their little tushies.lol.

Moral of the story, deal with your anger now before it takes over your mind and eventually your whole life.It will dictate everything in your life to a point where it distorts logical reason and your ability to control your emotions/actions and make you act a fool like I did.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad
landing.
-- Will Rogers.

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help, and what he cannot help.
-- Thomas Fuller.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
-- Buddha.

can my uterus breath a second? please? thank you.

I turned twenty seven in May. Yes am approaching the big three O and am embracing all the changes that comes with being older...

The stretch marks: My kid sister asked me if I was involved in an accident that gave me the marks on my back and I sat her down and explained to her what stretch marks are.

the worst 10 minutes of my life ill never get back.

Did you know that only 70% of women suffer stretch marks, guess the other 30% enjoy it.lol

...and apparently there's no cure for stretch marks but cocoa butter is good for improving the appearance.Life is so cruel!


Putting on weight or lets just say the being soft in the middle change: being addressed as mama as opposed to aunty by the kondis kwa matatu(taxi for some of you).

The students that I taught along time ago giving me seats in the bus.

they are so sweet

...dont get me started on my friends asking me if i am pregnant when the see the ka small bulge on my stomach.

...filling out forms and having to fill out N/A on the number of children and single for the marital status question. Why cant they just have different forms for single women?

...the hospital visits are torture.What with the doctors always asking if i am preggers before attending to me.

...i wasn't pregnant last month, and no i am not pregnant now and tomorrow doesn't look good either. If i get pregnant, i will let you know doctor. thank you

Being hit on by older men who don’t hesitate to say they don’t want jokes as they are seriously looking for a wife. I’ve even been asked for my five year plan on a date.

Jeez! When dating become so complicated?I only left the dating seen for a second. Its now more of an interrogation than a social affair.

Any way I was so excited to reach 27 and in my mind I thought I would be older and wiser making my own decisions without being influenced or pressurized by anyone. Live my life as a saw fit and not explain anything to anybody. I think I rejoiced too soon. I’ve learnt the hard way that peer pressure doesn’t end when you grow older, it gets even worse.

All of a sudden, am hearing talks of children and marriage and all that comes with it all over the place. My grandma wants to know when misee(my man) is bringing the cows. My mama wants two boys and two girls.

She doesnt ask for much does she?

My siblings are already telling me the stuff they are going to do to my children when they arrive. Its like everybody around me has plans for my uterus except me.
Even my neighbours daughter came to ask me where is my child. I’m guessing her mama put her up to it.

That heifer mssschew

...and people asking me how comes i don't have a child. How I'm i supposed to answer that really???

Don’t get me wrong I love children to def. I normally babysit for my mamas friends and we get along just fine, although this one time I forgot to feed baby Neema and she whispered in my ear, "aunty naumwa na tumbo” and I got the message.

See I understand baby language.

I look forward to being somebody’s wife and it would even be a greater honour to be somebody’s mother but not right now.

There are one or six things that I need to do first.

get a sperm donor for starters.

But in the mean time I wish everyone would just back off and let me breath a second.Who needs a biological clock when you have a family/friends like mine to constantly ring the alarm loud for the uterus to deliver the goods(forgive the pun)lol

i want to die

I got baptized in the year 2000 and it was one of the best moments of my life. I was pretty heavy back then.

again I don’t know the P.C. word they use for people who are fat nowadays.lol.

Had it not been for the very handsome deacon whose names escapes me now, we would probably have drowned.

I became a Christian and it was by my own choice no one pushed me to do it. I knew in my heart I wanted to live a better life than the one I was living and I could not do it alone.
I went back to school and sadly I didn’t change much. I still talked too much, cried too much,cussed like a sailor, ate too much...self control was a curse word in my vocabulary.

I started feeling like a fraud because I had promised during (mafundisho)

someone please translate this for me

that I would die to sin and live a new life in Christ but I wasn’t doing that. I was so hard on myself that up to date I haven’t gotten the courage to go and get my Baptism card. My pastor has been calling me and I keep coming up with excuses as to why I haven’t gone.

wonder if the Holy Ghost has snitched on me?lol.

It came to me in a dream(o.k. I was thinking about this verse in the bible, I cant remember it now but ill label it after I finish writing)that I needed to die. Not dying as in killing my self but stop catching feelings over irrelevant things. I want to stop being petty. I want to keep the most important stuff and ignore the irrelevant stuff.

Heck i need to grow the hell up.

During the days when humans gave God animal sacrifice only dead animals were placed on the altar. The altar is for dead people. When you are dead your not reactive, but rather its Jesus who lives in you. So just as the animal is dead on the altar so should we in terms of “worldly things””. Dead to jealousy, dead to anger, dead to negative criticism, dead to any form of corruption in our lives.

I now have a new resolution.Forget eating healthy, forget getting pregnant... I want to die. Believe me am going to die even if it kills me.lol