i want to die

I got baptized in the year 2000 and it was one of the best moments of my life. I was pretty heavy back then.

again I don’t know the P.C. word they use for people who are fat nowadays.lol.

Had it not been for the very handsome deacon whose names escapes me now, we would probably have drowned.

I became a Christian and it was by my own choice no one pushed me to do it. I knew in my heart I wanted to live a better life than the one I was living and I could not do it alone.
I went back to school and sadly I didn’t change much. I still talked too much, cried too much,cussed like a sailor, ate too much...self control was a curse word in my vocabulary.

I started feeling like a fraud because I had promised during (mafundisho)

someone please translate this for me

that I would die to sin and live a new life in Christ but I wasn’t doing that. I was so hard on myself that up to date I haven’t gotten the courage to go and get my Baptism card. My pastor has been calling me and I keep coming up with excuses as to why I haven’t gone.

wonder if the Holy Ghost has snitched on me?lol.

It came to me in a dream(o.k. I was thinking about this verse in the bible, I cant remember it now but ill label it after I finish writing)that I needed to die. Not dying as in killing my self but stop catching feelings over irrelevant things. I want to stop being petty. I want to keep the most important stuff and ignore the irrelevant stuff.

Heck i need to grow the hell up.

During the days when humans gave God animal sacrifice only dead animals were placed on the altar. The altar is for dead people. When you are dead your not reactive, but rather its Jesus who lives in you. So just as the animal is dead on the altar so should we in terms of “worldly things””. Dead to jealousy, dead to anger, dead to negative criticism, dead to any form of corruption in our lives.

I now have a new resolution.Forget eating healthy, forget getting pregnant... I want to die. Believe me am going to die even if it kills me.lol