In my last blog post, I talked about being dead to corruption of any sort and I may have mentioned that we need to die to anger. I’m a very good example of what anger can make you do.
Before you read on ,promise you wont judge me or look at me different.
Yes, I catch feelings sometimes. am human after all.
The first time I became aware of just how destructive anger is was when I was in primary school.
I cant remember the year though.
My cousins were teasing me about something for days and I was getting pretty annoyed. I was too afraid to say anything at first because I wanted to be agreeable, cool and didn’t want to lose any friends.
I let family and friends walk all over me and get away with a lot of things until I couldn’t.
The last straw was when my cousin got physical with me and poking me as she made fun of me. It was one thing calling me names from afar but when you come all up in my face then we have a problem. Though she was older than me, I grabbed her by the neck,dropped her to the ground and started choking her. She scratched my face , punched me in the stomach but I could not let go. It was like my belly and my face was on fire but I was stuck on her neck. The other kids tried to intervene but alas .All of a sudden she started having seizures and I got scared and let go. One of my smart cousins knew what to do and calmed her down ,She was so shocked that she never even cried.
It was the worst day of my life and to this date I still remember the scene very well: what I was wearing, what she was wearing, the exact spot where I threw her …
The next day she woke up very sick and had to be hospitalized and I felt so horrible.I thought it was my fault. I cried buckets that day. We never even went out to play the next day.The previous days events stuck on our minds.
I lost my innocence that day when i learnt that i had the power to hurt other people.Who would have thought that inside my small body there was a little monster that reared its ugly head that day. Its a lot for a small girl to fathom.
I later learned that she actually had malaria.
The other kids didn’t report me because they also said stuff to set me off and they knew if they told they'd be telling on themselves too. I was so mad at myself that the next day I bit into a bar soap.
Believe me when I say soap does not taste good at all.
That’s when I knew I had to change.
I mean I almost killed my cousin! how messed up was that?
I started reading books on anger and dealing with issues and not let them pile up. I started crying a lot too which seemed to calm me down whenever im annoyed or frustrated. Up to this day I am afraid to get into fights. In school I let people beat me up because I knew that my inner demon could come out and I could do a lot of damage.
Or maybe i thought i deserve the beatings for nearly killing my cousin.
A way for atoning for my sins.
A way to make myself feel better. i dunno...
Imagine me giving up a good fight because of what I could do and not getting beat up ,weird. I know.
Ive never even beat up any of my siblings or any child for that matter.
God knows i have wanted to light up their little tushies.lol.
Moral of the story, deal with your anger now before it takes over your mind and eventually your whole life.It will dictate everything in your life to a point where it distorts logical reason and your ability to control your emotions/actions and make you act a fool like I did.
People who fly into a rage always make a bad
landing.
-- Will Rogers.
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help, and what he cannot help.
-- Thomas Fuller.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
-- Buddha.
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