Do you boo!

This is going to be a long post. So if you need to go susu or drink water or gossip with the neighbor or whatever… go do that first then come back. Because I want your undivided attention, because I’m needy like that. Sue me.

I never really make New Year’s resolutions because most of the time I won’t actually do them. And if I do I will do just enough to tick it off the list to make myself feel better. Plus it’s too much pressure. So why bother? There was this time when Amani was being interviewed and she said that she makes resolutions on her birthday. This way they are more personal. Which is pretty cool if you ask me.

This year I did something that I swore I would never do. So because everybody was making these elaborate New Year plans, I got sucked into the bandwagon and I caved. I decided that I was gonna eat healthy this year. I mean I’m not growing any younger and sooner or later my metabolism won’t be as cooperative as it is right now. Normally we are advised to consult a nutritionist before embarking on the journey to healthy eating but yours truly didn’t do that. Because why? Because nobody *clap* tells*clap* me*clap* what*clap* to*clap* do.

What did I do? I’m glad you asked. I was drinking more water, avoiding soda and all junk food. Basically doing stuff I’ve heard fitness/health gurus harp on about in the interwebs. Being the good sport that I am, I threw in some fruits too. Everybody knows when you wanna be healthy, fruits are the bidness. 

My skin actually improved which gave me the motivation to continue. You should have seen me running in the field with the students. I was on a roll baby!!! I was actually getting fitter (can I say that?) than I’ve ever been in years. Or so I thought!

Fast forward to a few months later. I wake up one morning feeling feverish. Like I had been hit na gari ya Miraa. Everything hurt. My head, shoulders, knees, duodenum and toes. I assumed it was malaria because I live in Homa Bay County and it’s the common disease here. By ten I was now shaking and feeling nauseous... one of my colleagues called a boda boda (chauffeur from some of you) to take me home after the school nurse had given me some drugs. I took the drugs then went to bed .Aint nothing like a good nap to cure an ailing body , right?

Wrong! At 7pm I wake up and I think I’m dying and I call my pal to take me to the hospital. I wouldn’t want to die in the house only for the neighbour's cat to feed on me before I’m discovered days later. It can happen man, I saw it in a horror movie once. lol.

We get to the hospital and I’m asked for my AON card I don’t have it. The medical scheme for teachers was launched tene but I just never knew how important it would be until now. 

Teachers are so awesome they are insured twice by the government.(Don’t hate me coz you aint me)   

My pal asks me if I have my NHIF card or just the number and I can’t remember. For some reason I couldn’t remember anything. I didn’t carry shit. Just my very sick self. My friend is livid and I can see him seething with rage because now he will have to pay for everything in cash. Imagine even before the doctor says ‘hi!’ to you, you have to part with “consultation’ fee.

“You can’t be sick and stupid at the same time. Pick a struggle” .

OK! he didn’t say these words but I know he was thinking it.

After paying I’m sent to this room to have my pressure checked then later get on the weighing scale. I wasn’t worried because knew all the measures I had in place ensured that I maintain my weight. I get on the scale and to my horror I’ve added 5 frigging kgs.  Now it was not only my body hurting but my soul too. After all the discipline I exercised in staying healthy this is what I get? The diet gods must be against me. I sweater gawd my ancestors forgot to make one sacrifice. Lol  . At this rate I will look like Winnie the pooh wearing a t-shirt by the end of the year.

I’m told to wait for the doctor and he finds me seated with my head in my hands looking like something the cat drugged in while in my flimsy night dress and hair(ok it was a weave. But its still mine.i bought it. i got receipts to prove it) all over the place. 

And just when I think the day couldn’t get any worse they send in a youngin, fresh from college to come and examine me. When you meet a fine man you want to look your best not like a homeless person. I’m not Beyoncé , can’t go out with my I-woke-up-like-this face. If you squint a wee bit he looks like Denzel Washington. I explained my symptoms to him calmly wishing he would stop looking at me straight in the eye.

Wait. My day got even worse. I thought he would just take my temperature and tell me to open my mouth and say “aaah” ,but noooo? He tells me to lay on the bed for an examination. 

Why lort, why? 

Then now I start getting nervous because I’m tryna remember if I wore good underwear. Grandma always insists that we wear good underwear. Now I know she was preparing me for a day like this. I don’t know why for the love of anything sacred I could not remembered the underwear I wore. This disease must have gotten into my head.

I’m now praying that it’s the good one. I look down and luckily it’s the good one. Then he starts feeling up my lower abdomen.

 ( the closest I have come to action in a long time). lol

I tell him I aint preggers. He tells me when treating a woman my age, they gotta rule out pregnancy. Here we go again. I tell him I'm not pregnant and if I were I would know. He realizes there is no need arguing with miss-know-it-all. He continues doing his thing like I don’t even exist.

Young people these days!! Living with my Luo peeps has taught me one thing. They have no time for being politically correct (pun so intended). They tell it as it is. A while back I had a skin infection and the doctor told me to my face “madam wega ruako mtumba”. He durn heart my heart and bruised my ego mayne. I cant buy couture on a teacher’s salary. Mitumba is life.

Anyhu long story short- they do a couple of blood test. And guess what was ailing me? Frigging ulcers. Apparently I’m not supposed to eat all fruits as someone who has ulcers.and a bunch of other things which i ate in my quest to have a beautiful alimentary canal.

Eating healthy has now turned into a night mare. It durn near killed me. Moral of the story, dieting sucks- let nobody tell you different. If they do, punch them in the throat. You don’t need that negativity in your life chile. Eat what you want, when you want boo. Do you chile!

Ta ta lovely people!