how to get laid

The time is 1800hrs and I'm in this Ninja's house hungry as fudge. He goes into the kitchen and takes forever only to come back with a cup of strong tea (strungi for some of you) and three slices of bread. And because I have a big heart like a watermelon, I keep quiet. Like the good guest that I am I do not even mention the fact that the bread has no siagi and the tea no sugar- and it tasted like ass too.

Now what made my hackles rise is when baby boy had the cojones to ask for booty. Now pray, how do you expect some serious "senior relations" on a near empty stomack yawa. This is where lads are getting it wrong nowadays. There is a reason why our fathers used to buy women dinner. Ok, it was out of the goodness of their hearts but also for the women to get some strength for the work out they were gonna get later. So when you put your paws on some poor lass and she is as hungry as fudge then ninja am afraid its gonna have to be you and your hand alone tonight.

But that's a story for another day. I want to talk about a scenario where baby girl has taken you back to her place for some action but for some reason has grown cold feet- and is generally being a royal pain in your gluteus maximus. Maybe she don't trust you. Maybe the alcohol has worn off or she thinks you won't respect her in the morning (of course you won't but she don't need to know that) She wants the company but not the 'magic wand', like you are some kind of stuffed animal or something. Sweet heart does'nt know that you come with the whole package- All or nothing baby!

So you are semi naked and just about to whip out the schlong but she isnt being a very good host. If anything she has a vice like grip on your hands and her acrylic nails are digging into your flesh. And you think to youself, I need to get some tetanus shots first thing tomorrow morning.

Now when this happens don't sit down there wistfully, thinking of how many ways you could beat the lumps out of her. This is what you do. Get up and get dressed. Wear everything mpaka socks. Don't ask me why dufus just do it. Ok I could tell you the reason why, but i have already said too much and broken a couple of the the chiqs-before-sticks rules. Have I ever lied to you? Wait, dont answer that question!

Ask for an extra duvet for sleeping in kwa sitting room. Try not to mean mug her and maintain your cool. Whatever you do, don't lose use your sangfroid. You will need the stoicism of a pack mule to ignore your blue balls. Proceed to the living room and ensconce yourself on the couch with the duvet. If she asks why-  just tell her some horse manure like, 'you respect her', 'you wouldnt want her to do what she doesnt want to', you..blah, blah, blah... yuck yuck yuck ... yadda yadda yadd. Your smart, think of something mushy to say.

A few hours in the cold bed will definitely bring her back to her senses. Now she will come to fetch you with a change of heart. If this happens, dont just pounce on her and deliver the goods. Pretend to resist kidogo and ask her if she is really sure. If the answer is affirmative, then go through the boring few minutes of foreplay that you hate so much. Just before you whip out the joys stick, ask her again if she is sure, just to show what a gentleman you are. If its an enthusiastic yes then BAM, give it to her right. You are welcome, now go forth and suffer blue balls no more!

NB- If it doesnt work, try it thrice. If it still doesnt work then you'll know she loves you like a brother.mmmuhahahaha...

I swear i'm gonna burn in the hottest part of hell for this after Armageddon.

making lemonades and positive reinforcement bull!

Relax it is not a recipe... This is me accepting my fate and trying to make things work. You know making lemonades out of the damn bitter lemons that is my life. Like Toni Braxton said in her song let it flow, I told my self over the weekend that first thing Monday morning I was going to pack my tears away. I might as well enjoy my stay here. I don't know how long I'm gonna be here but I intend to soak up the moment for whatever its worth.

So last week in my literature class with the student we were reading Act III of An enemy of the people book where there was some drunk dude who kept on interrupting the towns meeting. You should have seen me dramatizing the drunk man walk in class and had the kids Lolling all day. Thanks to watching Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean I out did myself. And they said all this movie watching was not good for me, suck on that all you wet blankets. Dang! you should have seen me, I rocked. Riverwood here I come!

My favourite part of being a teacher includes taking away contraband goods from the girls. muhahahahaha! And I found out that if you confiscate these goods no one asks what you do with them. So I can lie that they were burnt in the incinerator but in reality, they are in my house. In my routine check up I got this book...

...by yes J.D Salinger (who did The catcher in the rye that I'm always waxing lyrical about). I was so excited I forgot to punish the student. But I think loosing your book is punishment enough. I was watching some movie where one character said something about The catcher in the rye book being the  widely accepted book for socio paths. Apparently Mark David Chapman even quoted it after killing John Lennon. Ati deranged minds identify with Holden's alienation and detachment. I just hope that doesn't imply I am deranged for identifying with some of Jerome's characters.

and oh! I also confiscated a tongue ring.

Its amazing what kids are up to these days. Too bad I don't have any authorization to remove their tattoos. I wonder how much I can get for this tongue ring in the black market right now mmmhhh??

I went to the deputy head teacher to ask for a cane for whipping their behinds for not reading up on the next chapter of An enemy of the people as I had instructed and she told me they dont beat kids any more. She recommended I try positive reinforcement as opposed to corporal punishment. Wtf is positive reinforcement? I got positive reinforcement in my purse.nkt!

This bad boy right here ...

is guaranteed to bring positive changes asap. clearly the behavioural scientists like kina Pavlov, Rousseau and B.F Skinner hadn't met our Kenyan kids. I carried a cane anyways just to scare the kids (fear is a good deterrent, i should know) and the head teacher saw it. He politely told me that told me that if I wanted to beat them, I do it at my own risk. I'm on my own and that if anything goes wrong the school can't couldn't protect me. Like a little canning is going to kill them. It's even in the bible that we should punish the rugrats but who listen to me any more? smh!The Kenyan ministry of education has taken out the fun out of being a teacher. Ati positive reinforcement ..blegh!

sayonara nairobi, hello village

So the day finally came. When I had to leave Nairobi..sob..sob... Found a teaching job in one of the best schools in the country and I decided to give it a shot (ok there was an intervention by the friends and family and it was a greed that I had to go) but hizo tuu ni semantics. lol.

Now what they forgot to mention is how far the school is from the main road. And how much further the teachers' quarters is. Next time you see a school in the brochure and they tell you "it is away from the hustle and bustle of the city life" just know it is as far as fudge from the main road. Is it like a government requirement in kenya to have a school built so frigging far????

My friends and family usually say am melodramatic and over exaggerate. Now to convince you just how far I am from civilization look at the pictures below. You know coz they say pictures speak a thousand words... and all!

Now from the main road you will encounter kayaba (whats the English word for this) trees so tall you cant see where you are going

then the road starts to get smaller

until it is only a path

then you see my village...

... don't worry it is not burning, its my neighbour cooking kwa kendo oko.

But just before you get there, there is this rocky place on a hill that you have to overcome.

Everyday I go up or down this rocky place I die a little inside, both literary and figuratively. But occasionally I sit down to read my books and enjoy the breeze. Other times I listen to Asa's Jailer as I come down the mountain coz i feel like a jailer too. When the bell rings the students move and I move too! I have to eat the food there and it tastes like feet. The first week I almost died with this bad stomach ache. Dont gt me started on the no.2 unga mabaro olund that I have to content with. Things are tough (the pun so intended)!

Good thing there is no one around so I can sing out as loud as I want and even do the Kanye  scream in Otis.

Look at that hill mocking me nshit!

I've been only here less than a month and my clothes are starting to get a little less tight on me. This hill right here shall be the death of me. I have no television or radio. Half the time I'm bored to cross-eyedness. My comp finally gave in and died just when i needed him. And to think I have loved him unconditionally for two years.smh! Now i have to go into town every Saturday to update my fb status or even blog.

Since people are just starting to buy land in this place, it is still practically wilderness on one side.

with acacia trees, with wild flowers and all.

more wild flowers

I always step on fresh pile of hot steaming cow dung every morning thanks to daisy here...

Daisy thinks the world is her urinal.lol

occasionally I also step on human shit coz the village kids shit there because they do not want their ass to touch dew in the grass or to have an encounter with snakes. I have even been warned that sometimes wild animals stray into the village especially the hyena. Good thing I watched the god's must be crazy movie so i know how to escape from one.lol.

My neighbours thought it was a good idea to make the chickens watering point smack outside my door! smh

Now i have to step on chicken shit ...

every time i wake up to watch the beautiful sunrise.

I always forget and wake up cursing when i feel the soft moist faeces squish under my feet.lol.

I dunno how long I will be here but i will try to make some lemonades with these lemons that life has given me. I just wish the Confucius charlatans will stop trying to give me stupid advice and encouragements I could get from a fortune cookie. Sending me forwards with photos of eagles nshit finishing up my internet bundles.nkt!. So the eagle flies above the storm wow good for it*claps hands* the fact remains that I'm screwed. Maybe tomorrow or the day after i will be ok but for now I'm friggin pissed!

Sharing is caring!

I know it seems like I may be slacking off when it comes to posting here regularly. But not to worry very soon, things will resume to normal and i will go back to giving you more craziness on here. Thing is I thought all these crazy here is too much for just us, We need to put it in a bottle and sell it and make the whole world LMFAO. Since its impossible, for now lets settle for a guest blog I did here . Read and be edified.

ta ta
lovely people