how to get laid

The time is 1800hrs and I'm in this Ninja's house hungry as fudge. He goes into the kitchen and takes forever only to come back with a cup of strong tea (strungi for some of you) and three slices of bread. And because I have a big heart like a watermelon, I keep quiet. Like the good guest that I am I do not even mention the fact that the bread has no siagi and the tea no sugar- and it tasted like ass too.

Now what made my hackles rise is when baby boy had the cojones to ask for booty. Now pray, how do you expect some serious "senior relations" on a near empty stomack yawa. This is where lads are getting it wrong nowadays. There is a reason why our fathers used to buy women dinner. Ok, it was out of the goodness of their hearts but also for the women to get some strength for the work out they were gonna get later. So when you put your paws on some poor lass and she is as hungry as fudge then ninja am afraid its gonna have to be you and your hand alone tonight.

But that's a story for another day. I want to talk about a scenario where baby girl has taken you back to her place for some action but for some reason has grown cold feet- and is generally being a royal pain in your gluteus maximus. Maybe she don't trust you. Maybe the alcohol has worn off or she thinks you won't respect her in the morning (of course you won't but she don't need to know that) She wants the company but not the 'magic wand', like you are some kind of stuffed animal or something. Sweet heart does'nt know that you come with the whole package- All or nothing baby!

So you are semi naked and just about to whip out the schlong but she isnt being a very good host. If anything she has a vice like grip on your hands and her acrylic nails are digging into your flesh. And you think to youself, I need to get some tetanus shots first thing tomorrow morning.

Now when this happens don't sit down there wistfully, thinking of how many ways you could beat the lumps out of her. This is what you do. Get up and get dressed. Wear everything mpaka socks. Don't ask me why dufus just do it. Ok I could tell you the reason why, but i have already said too much and broken a couple of the the chiqs-before-sticks rules. Have I ever lied to you? Wait, dont answer that question!

Ask for an extra duvet for sleeping in kwa sitting room. Try not to mean mug her and maintain your cool. Whatever you do, don't lose use your sangfroid. You will need the stoicism of a pack mule to ignore your blue balls. Proceed to the living room and ensconce yourself on the couch with the duvet. If she asks why-  just tell her some horse manure like, 'you respect her', 'you wouldnt want her to do what she doesnt want to', you..blah, blah, blah... yuck yuck yuck ... yadda yadda yadd. Your smart, think of something mushy to say.

A few hours in the cold bed will definitely bring her back to her senses. Now she will come to fetch you with a change of heart. If this happens, dont just pounce on her and deliver the goods. Pretend to resist kidogo and ask her if she is really sure. If the answer is affirmative, then go through the boring few minutes of foreplay that you hate so much. Just before you whip out the joys stick, ask her again if she is sure, just to show what a gentleman you are. If its an enthusiastic yes then BAM, give it to her right. You are welcome, now go forth and suffer blue balls no more!

NB- If it doesnt work, try it thrice. If it still doesnt work then you'll know she loves you like a brother.mmmuhahahaha...

I swear i'm gonna burn in the hottest part of hell for this after Armageddon.