Self appointed Luo spokesperson

Not every Luo comes from Kisumu or Nyalgunga. Not every Luo loves fish. Not every Luo is a die hard fan of Gor Mahia. Not every Luo is a sycophant of every Luo Political leader (read R.A.O).  Not every Luo speaks the way Ondiek Nyuka kwota in ‘Vioja Mahakamani’ does or like Wilbroda in ‘Papa Shirandula’ talks (although she always gets the accent right especially considering she is not even from my tribe-great actress right there!) But I know I can talk till am blue in the face and some people will still not believe me.

For as long as I can remember I have always been a Luo spokeperson. And like Alfie, I seem to be putting my foot in my mouth anytime I try to tell them not all of us are bad. Not that I wanted the job but the constant attacks on some Luos has forced me to be a spokesperson. Well last week I found myself in a bathroom with some lady (Yes ladies always bond in the loo) when she found out I was Luo she started telling me how she hates R.A.O and how he should be the one heading to Hague and stuff. She was all up in my face and I didn’t even have a comeback for all the things she was saying. I could tell she was really agitated. To hear her talk you would think she was talking to RAO face to face. Imagine my horror when i later discovered she is actually from the Luo tribe! So the attacks are not limited to some non-luos but my very own fellow tribes men.

You also remember the damage the hooligans did during the Gor Mahia game.  (Yes! I said hooligans. Because if they were real fans they would have known how their behaviour would have affected the team negatively. Now thanks to them, the football team is locked out from some games which will definitely affect the morale of the team).  Before I could even take one breath, some ninja was busy tagging photos of the happenings during the game. He was writing on my wall about how “my people” are blah blah (insert offensive words here) how somebody died- [to hear him talk you would think I was the one who killed that person myself]…just generally spilling vitriol all over my fb wall.

Sometimes I wonder what they want me to do with the information they lay on me. Should I denounce my Luo tribe and remove the Luo blood that runs in my veins? Do they want me to admit that all of us are the same and not capable of thinking individually? Should I put R.A.O and all the Gor Mahia unruly fans on my knees and spank their bottoms? (I know I got huge thighs but I can’t spank all of them.lol) I swear if I knew how to make it better I would in a heart beat.

It has come to a point where every time R.A.O (or any of “my people”) is on the news I start doing kegel exercises hoping he doesn’t say anything controversial because my phone will start ringing. As usual they never disappoint in saying controversial stuff - mara nusu kapet, mara blanketi haifuniki matako, mara serikali inakojoa and recently he called our judiciary “mahakama bandia” and had to choke on humble pie the next day. Boy did my friend let me have it! Whatever he does is as good as if “we” all do it! Guilty by association! Don’t get me started on Anyang’ Nyong’o walking out on Lillian Muli smack in the middle of an interview or Otieno Kajwang’s “mapambano” anthem!

I was enjoying some peace and quiet for a few days and for a moment there I thought “my people” are on the straight and narrow then...BAM! Someone comes forward with information that someone wants to kill my dear Amolo Tinga- Owad gi Akinyi. (Do they want me to have a coronary thrombosis! Someone does not want R.A.O’s face to be on the fifty Shillings coin as soon as Konza city open its doors…sigh!) But back to my problems- what’s-her-face decided to tell me how baba is making up stuff about his alleged plot for assassination…blah…blah…blah! I couldn’t say anything because I do not know the intricate details of what transpired. I never take any sides until the results are out supported with evidence!

See what some people don’t understand is that being Luo is a calling like they usually write on them T-shirts. We back each other no matter what. We are really big on family. If one person makes it, he feels compelled to help his unfortunate brethren. That is why most Luo households are always large. I remember growing up we had so many relatives who I never really knew exactly how we are related to living with us but I was required to call them aunty, uncle or cousin. You will always find good ol’ mama adopting people left right and center. This one time she came home with some girl who was lost and trying to find her parents. We were all terrified we couldn’t sleep next a stranger, but mama was so excited chatting her up asking her about herself…truestory people, am not making these stuff up!

The great thing about this is that anytime you go somewhere and you meet another fellow Luo you become friends for life. I met some guy a few months back and it turns out he was taught by my grandma in primary school. When he described the speech granmama gave as he teared his a** up with the cane, I knew we were talking about the same person!LOL

If you are in trouble, you can always count on them to help you. It’s like there is this unwritten rule that every luo person is your brother or sister. The weird thing is that we like have a GPRS thingy in our system, you can always tell a luo within the first seconds of meeting. I always get amused when you meet a fellow luo and as soon as you say where you are from they quickly switch to dhogwa and all of a sudden in anyuola.LOL!

The down side however, is that if someone is destructive they drag you down with them, like the hooligans did when they ruined the match. Their behavior had a huge domino effect with series consequences for not only the team but the rest of football lover’s in Kenya.

Anyway in the mean I time, as I wait for a miracle, I continue to play therapist for all the people who b*itch about anything “my people” do. Whenever I find myself faced with the “interesting” confrontation, I just ask them how it makes them feel (You know the way they do in movies) and let them vent. I do this as I continue to pray that one day tribalism in Kenya will come to an end and people like me won’t have to keep being bombarded with what he said/she said! That a time will come when people will not be judged by his tribe or where he comes from. I wish I could ignore it, but you all know how I never mind my own business!

Ps. Now to those non-luo men who want to put milk in my cocoa and think the way to go about it is to wax lyrical about R.A.O…please stop…pretty please! But if you must pretend to like him to be on my good books, at least learn how to pronounce his name right and read up on his history (political career) so that at least you can blow me away with some knowledge. I don’t ask for much do I? o.k. thanks

Ta ta 

lovely people!