I make a great friend… I think. No…I know. At least that’s what my friends tell me. Im funny too. I got jokes and can make you laugh till the cows come home. If the joke ain’t funny, you will definitely laugh at the way I laugh at my own jokes. I make friends fairly easily and will strike conversation with people at odd places like the public transport, hospital waiting area and even in church. So with me life is never boring, I always find crazy ways to entertain myself.
Now for the life of me I cannot understand why I make such a horrible girlfriend. As soon as I try to make the transition every thing goes south. When it starts getting serious…then I sabotage myself. I go all gollum (in the lord of the rings) when I see the ring…my preciousssssss *gollum whisper*.
There are some screws loose somewhere in my head (I have never been checked) but I know there are. How else do you explain how…
One minute I have this smile that would light up the sky,
The next minute I have a look like I sucked on a particularly bitter lemon.
One minute we are having a decent conversation which is fun,
The next minute am sulking and using sign language to communicate.
One minute am whispering sweet nothings in your ear,
The next minute am screaming like a banshee at you.
One minute your head is on my lap am Delilah your Samson,
The next minute am screaming “don’t touch me” like your Frankenstein or something.
One minute am fixin your tie and wishing you a good day,
The next minute am fixin to bleach your work clothes and wishing you death.
One minute you are my prince and I love you to the moon and back,
The next minute I hate you so much I wanna gut you like a fish.
One minute I have your heart in my hand guarding it with my life,
The next minute I got a knife to your heart and am twisting it.
One minute we got one ice cream and two spoons
The next you are wrestling the fork and knife out of my hands.
One minute you do something and I think it’s cute,
The next minute you do the same thing and am homicidal.
One minute we are on the phone talking about nothing in particular
The next minute am not picking your calls.
You see I know am crazy. What I don’t get is why men still date my kind! Even when you are not playing ‘hard-to-get’ but you are saying ‘leave-me-the-f-alone’. Like those women from Nyeri, am sure ninjas know they are crazy but they still go ahead and take them cows to their papa’s Thingira. Remember Neyo’s song ‘Beautiful monster’ where he professes love for a crazy woman? He says ‘I don’t mind’ wtf??!!!
Men answer me this, why do you date crazy women? I really don’t get it. Is it because you want a challenge? Are you trying to prove something by taming us? Do you want to go where no man has ever gone? Is it about conquering? Do you enjoy pain- is it the S&M bullshit people keep talking about? Are you bored and are looking for an adventure? Is it the Sigmund Freud Oedipus complex stuff with your mama? Is it for a ride of the pink Cadillac? Is getting booty worth a lifetime of pain and suffering we will put you through?
What????
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