So a few days back I asked my brother why men ask women out even after they say no thousands of times. And my smart bro goes like “ err she said no, she didn’t say never…duh!” See men it’s this kind of thinking that will get you killed. It’s like some of you enjoy pain and suffering. You want your life to be like those of the characters on this TV series I watched called ‘FALLING SKIES’, it was like the saddest movie I have ever watched. I won’t even bother looking for season two. The people suffer from the first episode to the last- it actually lives up to its name; the sky is literally falling for them.
Anyhu now since you men still insist on putting yourself at risk and playing martyr by dating loose cannons aunty Victorine with her big heart like a water melon is here to give you a survival kit. I almost got my online certificate in basic psychology and am almost well equipped to lay on some information on you. And yeah! Almost does count(suck on that Brandy tihihih) I’m a woman of many hidden talents, I tell yah! I got your back men, I got you covered.lol. These are your options baby boy; don’t say I didn’t tell you:
Run ninja, run for your dear life
Ok before you get hot and bothered now hear me out. When you date someone with issues, their issues become your issues. It s hard to distance your self because you are with them like all the time; their behavior is bound to rub off on you. If you marry them then it will affect your children, friends and extended family and you will get double the “dose” of what you are getting now. Are you ready for that???Everyday of your life will be unpredictable, sort of like playing the Russian roulette. You never know what will set them off and make them go really crazy. Their problems range from their lack of commitment to the relationship to fear of intimacy etc. Alternatively if you are a nice dude, you can simply reduce the intensity of the relationship, if it’s at the first stages just limit the association as soon as you notice the danger signs and wean them off you slowly, don’t let the bangin’ booty and great smile fool you ninja.
Now if you decide to stay, you will have to exercise the highest form of patience and commitment.
You will have to sleep with a helmet plus mboshori, bullet proof vest and metallic jock strap (jk okay forget this last sentence.lol.) Remember the burden to change is mostly on them so protect your self emotionally and avoid getting sucked in or get too caught up in their issues. Do not bend over backwards to give in to their unreasonable demands all the time, it will drain you emotionally. Always stay calm when they are having their “episodes” and try not to aggravate them by talking too much or saying hurtful things, you will pay dearly later especially if they are the kind to keep records.
Treat her normally
Although babygirl is more hyper-sensitive about stuff than the average girl you will treat her normally. Don’t walk too much on egg shells around them or talk slow, they will notice. No self-help books for birthday gifts… no any tapping of the Oprah shows… no “you have issues or you are crazy” comments... unless of course you have already purchased your burial plot and are ready to meet your maker. Make them feel like they are normal and you love them just the way they are no matter what and that their past doesn’t change the way you view them. Let the home environment be peaceful and calm as you possibly can. Introduce her to your female friends so that there is no suspicion. Encourage her to socialize with your mutual friends and find a hobby so that she is not idle enough to bother you. If she loves movies get her many… get her gym memberships, spa treatments …just anything to get her attention of o you for a few seconds so that you can breathe. Invite friends and family over frequently so that she can develop other relationships and interests apart from yours and hers, maybe even get people who can be there for her when you are away from home to take the pressure off you.
Discuss the issues with them in a calm environment in a non-confrontational matter.
Ask them calmly about their past or find out where all that is coming from so that you know the triggers and will be able to avoid them in future. You will be able to minimize problems in your relationship by avoiding the behaviors that caused them to be damaged in the first place and you will avoid triggering the emotional problems. When courting listen to what she talks about a lot about, what she obsesses over or the things that she hates and avoid them like the plague. Listen to what she says about her friends and family so as to get where the problems started. Choose a time when you are having fun or tell her your secret so that she will free enough to tell you hers. Deal with the elephant in the room before it shits all over your home (read relationship)
Honour every promise you make
Some dude was telling of a story when he set his alarm which was powered by electricity for 6am. At around midnight the lights went out, when they came back on the clock stood still as 12 and never moved and he overslept. This means time moved but the darn clock stood still at midnight. Most people who have issues are still reliving the traumatic moment when everything went wrong (remember the series ‘DAYBREAK’ starring Taye Diggs). So every time you don’t deliver on a promise it hurts 10 times as it would hurt the average person. When you say you will be home by 10 pm be there, because if you don’t then they start to panic. If you are running late call and say so to avoid triggering some negative emotion. Maybe they come from a background where people hurt them and never delivered on their promise, maybe its issues of abandonment. Maybe whatever happened to them hurt them to the core and they never really recovered from the experience. But with time they will be able to develop trust in you and hence relax and act less crazy.
Be honest
Let them know where you are at all times of the day. Don’t act fishy or secretive or weird around her because it will trigger an emotional response that is not pleasant. Try to always pick their calls because they will wonder why you ain’t picking. Re-assure them of your love and commitment every chance you get. It could be a simple text, stick notes on the fridge, call regularly, remember birthdays, anniversaries always be thoughtful and considerate.
If all fails see a therapist asap
Let’s face it you are no relationship expert so the best thing is to consider outside help. Some issues are too serious to solve by yourself as you’re not equipped with that kind of knowledge. Most women with issues don’t feel free enough to tell you who hurt them, so your best option is to consult a counselor you trust or get referrals from friends and family. If they refuse help then maybe you will need to re evaluate the wisdom in staying in the relationship.
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