Adhiambo

By now you have prolly discovered I am self absorbed and vain to boot. Today am talking about my behind. Why? How about because its my blog and I can do whatever I want.tihihih…

I have a very tiny waist and a rhinoceros ass. I always get amused when people find me seated and they assume am lean and then I stand up and POW! They get hit by Max- short for Maxine.lol.(that’s what I call my tushy.dont act so surprised, you have names for your phones, vehicles, laptops so why cant I call I call my tushy)

My body started changing early when I was in class five, that by class eight I had my full bootilicious body. Sadly though , my mind couldn’t catch up wit my body. I had grown men giving me grief not knowing that my mind was not yet fully developed as my body and therefore could not appreciate their advances. I literally had to out run some dude in my neighborhood from school so that I couldn’t talk to him, He tortured me for months until he later learnt I was underage (now I understand what Akon and R.Kelly were thinking. You never know that a chiq is underage, some of these young girls have fully developed bodies and sometimes even their mind too)

High school was uneventful, as i went to an all-girls high school, although I remember this one time some chiq asking me how my legs are able to support my big ass. ouch!

Fast forward to college and the torture begun again. I had strangers describe me to their friends..yule manzi anakuwaga na hips kubwa. They forgot my face but never forgot max.lol. It really irritated me to a point that I started wearing those long sweaters to try and hide it.

or like when some chiqs tell me "vicky i love your upper body". Now whats wrong with the rest of my body nkt! ( and don't tell me the-if-i-compliment-your-hair-don't-mean-i-don't-like-your-face argument, i will cut you!)

Don’t get me started on dressing. I have like only two pairs of jeans that fit me. If it fits my waist it wont fit max, if it fits max it wont fit the waist. When it comes to skirts, I have to either go low waist or very high waisted ones never in the middle. I remember when I was living in Mombasa I went to some stall to buy a skirt and this guy asked for my measurements .He then told me that was impossible, so he measured me to confirm and told me to wait. He went out and came back with men from other stalls to come and see my max.i have never felt like a freak like I felt that day. I couldn’t read them the riot act as my “bara Swahili” is challenged.

It has come to a point where I don’t even bother to wear jeans anymore…although I hear in Nairobi they are custom made to fit any body type by a designer whose name escapes me now...if any one has his/her contacts please contact me. thanks.

I also hate when people immediately assume am not wearing any panties because Maxine shakes too much. Thongs are out of the question because things will be all over the place(if you know what I mean).lol. So granny panties it is(sue me). There’s no way in hell am exposing my dear Maxine to being tied down. tihihi. I rarely do heels because they exaggerate my behinds movements. Oh the life of a bootilicious woman!

...and public transportation. I mean who are those seat belts meant for??i rarely get one that fits and when I finally get my seat belt on it cuts circulation from my nether areas. Yo human rights activists..a lil help here…

Dating is also interesting because I attract “ass-men” who are always slapping on max whenever I pass by. Men think is cute when they slap on a random ladies ass but it really is annoying. They should include it somewhere in the law.lol. Hate always having to remind Mr.victorine –my eyes are up here*while pointing my eyes*whats with men and ass any ways???

I asked my brother and he simply told me there’s a reason why tourists come to Kenya to see the big five and visit the Mara and not any where else.(my brother and his analogies) I told him to expound and he told me that the conversation was awkward to have with a sister.nkt

When I started working I realized just how shallow men can be. I get favours because of max(Its sexual harassment when the man wants a payment for the favours.lol) yeah! Yeah!i am a hypocrite, I used max to get things done and fyi I never compromised my dignity if that’s what you are thinking. I mean men are gonna look regardless of what I say so why not get some gravy for this free show?

p.s. I could have uploaded a picture of max , but I don’t want my past to come bite me in the ass(max i.e.)

my pet peeves - part two

Where was I? Yes, possessive people.don't like them at all.

11. liars, flaky people, inconsistent..-When you say you are going to be there...do just that . If you cant make it tell me early I make alternative plans. If we are meeting in town and your running late or just stuck in traffic please call and say so. If am in town I can go check my mails or pay my utility bills as I wait for you. But keeping me parking in a restaurant for hours forced to buy something to eat which I had not planned is just plain rude. Or those chiqs in abusive relationship, always breaking up with your boyfriend then get to gether then break up etc etc also tick me off. The constant phone calls and crying on the phone and making me cry will wear me out. this list is endless…

12. Chiqs who cant cook and think its progressive. First of all I acknowledge there are girls who come from privileged backgrounds and have always had a maid to wait on them so never learned to cook. Their mamas also don’t know how to cook too.i understand, but I don’t condone it though. My big issue is those chiqs who have been raised in the village, geshagi ndani and then now want to be in the mabarbie class lie they cant cook na kwao they use jiko/ fire wood, shame on you. Don’t be ashamed of your background it’s where you are going that’s most important.

13. criticize my cooking. I rarely cook for people, I only save it for people I really care about. I am no gourmet chef but I am a pretty good cook. So after I have spent an hour or so : cooking up a storm ,enduring the onions in my eyes, unga under my nails to make you warm meal. I get on the table and you start with the soup is not thick enough or the salt is too dry, my chapatti is shapeless..kwani unakula shape? I will cut you…then make you eat it off the table like a dog. Then you will take me to the supermarket where you bought the cohones to diss my cooking.nkt

14.super shy people. Its okay to be shy and all but when the situation demands that you man up and speak up please step up to the plate. If you don’t ask for what you want you will never get anything.

15. people who try too hard to impress me because they are under the illusion that I am smart or something..i don’t know! Don’t get me wrong I don’t know everything and there's something that you know that I don’t know , I am open to learn. But if all our conversation is all about you tryna wow me with what someone aptly put as “pseudo-intelligent bullshit” I will bullshit you back and am very good a liar too. I will make up stories that when you quote else where people will laugh at your plagiarizing ass. I remember this one guy I taught something and he forgot and came back to wow me with it and I was tempted to remind him I taught him that but being the big man that iam I let it slide. I was flattered though, its not every day that people quote me. And those people who name drop all over the place.


"We were in carnivore with Nameless" (translation nameless happened to be n the same restaurant but they never even talked) or taking photos with a celebrity when he/she is not even looking at the camera SHAME,SHAME,SHAME!!!


I have a friend,( ok he is not my friend we just happen to have mutual friends) who has book marked a dictionary in his phone always looking up words that i use to confirm if i use them correctly...sort of like a mobile grammarnazi. Boy do i hate his pompous ass.i have since cut off all communication with him.

16.People who start to say something and then tell you never mind or I wont tell you because you will tell.seriously!!! why start in the first place?

17. touchy-touchy-huggy-huggy-feely-feely people. Those people who are too liberal with their hands. I m sitting and your hand is resting on my thighs…we are walking and your pinky finger is locked with mine… a stray hair(read weave is in my face and you brush it away…why now????

18.asking dumb questions.my favourite is when you at 2.am and ask if I am asleep? Or those spam messages asking questions before selling their products. And this includes Jehovah witnesses, people selling insurance etc

19.trying to extort money from me. Like when I ask my gal out and she comes with a friend who thinks am going to pay her meal too.Do i look like i mint money in my garage? you got nothing that want heifer! I work had to make my money i dont see why someone should try to extort me.when you tell me unaenda ku Lipa stima then I find you in Merica eating buffet..i will cut you

20. Get physical or any kind of physical abusive in a relationship – I can proudly say I have never been hit by a man ever?i have never hit a man but not for lack of trying. I have thrown stuff and they ducked(or is it because I am bad at sports) Its just plain rude..whats so bad that you cant tell me or atleast argue like normal folk.

21. the chain emails asking me to forward or I will die.if you have ever sent me any of these messages please slap yourself. you are dead to me. And how about the person who sends me the message die first. Don't force me to support causes that i cant even confirm their authenticity.

22.spell check kwa computer. I don't really hate it.its love-hate relationship. Like when i want to write ugali it gives me options like ugly.seriously! but i don't hate it as much as i hate the grammarnazi especially those who make more grammatical mistakes than me.

23.bad liars- if theres anything i hate more than liars is bad liars. I am a good liar, if you are going to lie tome u better be creative about it. Go wild. Don't hold back, so that when i catch you atleast i wont be annoyed coz you cared enough to be creative.

24. People who sulk. i am the only person in my life allowed to sulk. if you try this on me i will spin it around n you and redefine sulking. i will pass you on the street and make eye contact and not greet you ndio uone nmekuona na sikusalimi.

25. surprises. i hate surprises, always have, unless f course you have discovered the cure for hiv or cancer then by all means wow me. all the ther suprises kee it y yurself coz i really dont care,

26. Telling me what i was about to do. Scenario one- am carrying a flask in my hand with two cups walking towards you... and you ask me to give you tea. Kwani ulidhani nilikuwa naenda kuwekea nani chai?

27. Hyper sensitive people, especially men. Those people when you kosana with them they apologies and ask you if you can still be friends. That's almost as ridiculous as fighting with your mum and then asking her if you can still be her child. Like you getting that C in maths is going to remove your mothers DNA from your body. If i didnt want to be your friend i would not have cared to fight with you. If i fight with you it means i still care. Don't get me started on those people who block you on twirra... then unblock...then block... you need to make up your mind whether you want to hate me or be friends coz the undecidedness is making me dizzy.

i think ill stop there because am having muscle spasms from all the pent up anger inside me.

london

No…not the city, the movie.

I watched this movie a couple of days ago. I should warn you that if you are into fast action movies maybe this movie ain’t for you. It mostly takes place in a bathroom(sort of like Kenya’s MALOONED)It may have a little action, few locations and the acting not so over the top but the writing is awesome and will blow your mind. So just concentrate on what the writer was tryna get at( through the stuff the characters discuss)

The scene starts with drugs and there’s a couple of sex scenes and lewd language so you might wanna make sure the kids are off to bed before putting it on. My other fave actors Jessica Biel (remember SEVENTH HEAVEN) and Jason Statham (remember TRANSPORTER, ITALIAN JOB?) and he has all his hair in this movie.

Any ways the movie starts with Syd ( a druggie) finding out that his ex-girlfriend who he ain’t over is going to California with her new beau and has a going away party.

He decides to crush the going away party and try to win her back before she leaves. He ends up locking himself in the bathroom with his friend, where he proceeds to do drugs, drink and reminisce about his relationship with his girlfriend and where he went wrong as he works up the nerve to talk to her.
He remembers how he couldn’t say the words “I love you” because according to him he didn’t see the need to put a verbal label on things. The constant criticizing of his ex and his weird beliefs like-if you can avoid the first fight, you will never fight. what??? The writer shows how dysfunctional relationship can be between men and women and how different people have different opinions/ view of lfe. Syd and his friend even argue about how long it takes to recover from the end of a relationship. Syd reckons its ½ of the time you spent together while his new friend argues its 1/3.

There’s the issue of therapy, which is explored at length. Both Syd and his friend are attending therapy but don’t seem to be getting better. For Syd, he has been going for therapy for months but the pain isn’t going away. According to him the therapist is taking his money as he is slowly dying (I always had my reservations about therapy). He just wants the pain to go away (don’t we all!). He has taken lithium, Prozac etc but nothing seems to help. “You would think with all the pills in the market you would, there would be one able to take the edge off a chiq leaving you” –syd

His friend who is banker is recovering from being divorced from his wife of 3yrs and is impotent. He believes that if you cant hack it in the sack, you cant hack it anywhere, you are a total failure ( again what’s with men???). He describes the pain of divorce as emptiness within emptiness, the person you married isn’t the same as after. He remembers the words his wife told him like bullet wounds (they are stuck on his mind). What kills him is that the man before him and after him in his wife’s life is better than him because they can all give her what he couldn’t.

They argue about sex with underage girls. This is because the legal age in most countries varies from as young as 15-21. So it’s like if men are on an island where international law doesn’t count they would sleep with young girls. But the banker says that…”if we tell women the horrible things we have done we will never get laid”.

They talk about freaky sex. Platinum showers, S&M (which apparently is an expensive hobby both mentally and financially) Etc. So for all those who were curious what Rihanna’s song S&M meant you can watch this movie. I think when Chris slapped her something inside her snapped.lol. The movie scared me more about men, especially British men.

The issue of religion comes up with Syd who keeps on questioning the existence of God. He doesn’t see how some invisible dude in the sky is taking checks and balance on 6billion people, its like santa clause to him. His ex in one of his reveries claims that God exists, she argues that there was a time on earth we didn’t know that the earth was round because we didn’t have technology. She thinks its possible in our lifetime we will have the technology to see God. pretty interesting innit?

P.S. keep your eye on the rice experiment. Its hilarious mayne