How to spy on your boo

Ladies we were put on this earth to put men in check. Left to their own devices they would only get into mischief. You don’t believe me? O.k who invented the aeroplane? Men (Wright brothers), Electricity? Thomas Edison. Who discovered the earth wasnt flat? Galileo. You see how men are always out there putting their lives in danger trying to discover stuff! That’s why I believe women on earth to yank men back to reality everytime their imagination wants to run away with them.

Today I’m gonna tell you how to spy on his mischievous ass. Let you not be caught by surprise ati your man has been up to no good. Ninjas are guilty until they are declared innocent. Hell all boys are born guilty. I mean everybody knows that! As Tasha smith’s character in For better or for worse- always says; Trust but verify.lol

If your man is acting all hinky then you definitely know something is up. Whether he is cheating, abusing drugs and alcohol,  into porn etc. I got you. I’m gonna tell you how to call his bluff! Don’t buy that I’m-reading-porn-magazines-for-the-articles or I’m drinking as a sociological experiment. Or he is keeping the heroin for a friend. Yeah right! That mess is for the birds.

Here we go...

Sniff,sniff!

In the book Love in the time of cholera one woman found out his man was cheating when doing his laundry and found his clothes smelling different. Now ladies you gotta look out for any foreign smell. I’m sorry ladies for those who have poor sense of smell. Sometimes side hoes usually want to be relevant and the only way to do this is to leave souvenirs with the philandering dude. Check the car, his pockets for any unusual things like say hotel receipts.

Missing items

If you can trace their shirts, socks, ties,watches etc that you bought him... Houston we have a problem. Like in the movie Unfaithful when a cheater was caught after a lover found a gift he bought for his wife in the new lover interest’s house. Worry when he comes home with new stuff regularly.

You gotta be OCD sista girl

In the TV series necessary Roughness some dude was caught cheating because he had sex with a woman in their house and he didn’t make the bed the way his wife makes it. So ladies if you suspect that your man is bringing his hoe around the house look out for things out of place.

The camera is your friend

My neighbour always leaves her webcam on when she goes to work. It helped her find out when someone got into the house and stole stuff. If it can help her then it can damn well help you catch dufus up to no good. So if you have a computer, you know what to do.

Popular hiding places

If your man maybe conscious that you are onto to him and he may start to hide stuff like cigarette, alcohol etc so that you do not find out what is up. Now guys like hiding stuff in the medicine cabinet, brief case, deep freezer (don’t ask) sock drawers, shoe box, closet, study table and coat pockets. You may want to check them out.

Suprise!!!

In the movie diary of a mad black woman the lady discovers his man is having an affair when she makes a surprise visit to his office. If you suspect something is up make a surprise visit to his place of work and pretend you want to buy him lunch. If possible always attend their office parties and make friends with the ladies because they will give you a heads up. And if you are unable to have a rapport with his female work mates, don’t worry. If there is a lady there he has his sights on you will notice it in his body language.

Check the vehicle

If you suspect he has been driving around the night to smoke, drink or do whatever then the car is your best friend. You can check the car track system and if your car is "tired" just touch the bonnet if its warm then you know baby boy had left the house.

Ambush the big mouth friends

Some how in every circle of friends there is always that friend who will spill the legumes. In Scandal Mrs. Grant was able to know that his man was up to no good by interrogating the body guards. I’m pretty sure one of your husbands friends can be made to sing like a canary. You just need to get some leverage.

Recycle bin

If you are worried that he is checking out sites where he shouldn’t or chatting up some sexy lass online then track his internet history. For those of you who are brave you can create a new profile and add him as friend and check his updates on line (horrible I know, whoever said spying was easy).You can also check his documents and downloaded items for any unusual activities. The funny thing is that most men will delete shit from their computers but forget to delete them permanently from the recycle bin. I have checked out a couple of my male pals recycle bin and they got me lolling all day. And make sure to check out his folders with funny sounding names.

Paper trail

Look out for strange receipts in the house, car, briefcase, dresser, wallet etc. If you share an account check his bank statements and credit card expenditure for any unusual purchases. By unusual expenditure could include hotel receipts, jewellery, dinners.

Phones- best thing since sliced bread

This lady was telling me yesterday how her man lied that he was in Nairobi yet there was this chicken which kept on croaking in the background. That’s when he confessed that he was somewhere else and not in Nairobi. So when you call your man and he is lying about where he is just listen to the background. If you hear, “glasses clucking and loud music you will know he is down at the club up to no good.

There are these phones which you can record phone call conversations so if your man has one then yippee. Some phones are also made in a way that if you look at delivery messages they show part of messages which have been sent hence you will able to know the kind of info your man is sending out there. Ladies always have this habit of checking inboxes. Thats bull, you do not really have control over what people send you(those of you on whatsappwill testify to this). Now what you should worry about is what is in the outbox.

Call Tyrone 

If all fails I cant help you just call Shiko Muiruri already! But first before I teach you this stuff which I’m sure breaks a couple of laws, I must tell you something. Snooping on your lover is only for those who want out of the relationship and need proof of bad behaviour. If you have no intention of leaving your lover there is no point because it will make things worse for you. He will lose trust in you and worse get better at hiding his indiscretions. Like Sherlock told Watson in Elementary- once you start this business of snooping, its hard to stop.

And men whatever happens when caught pants down always deny everything at least until them polaroids surface and even then make sure toclaim they have been digitally enhanced- you know with the photo shop and all. And no! In this case the truth will not set you free. The truth only sets the other person free- free to leave your lying ass! Don’t believe that bull. Denial aint just a river in Egypt honey!