Nyumba yangu ya mtoto si ya kukodisha!

Imagine my pleasant surprise to discover the Swahili word for uterus is ‘nyumba ya mtoto’ which directly translated in English means ‘the baby’s house’. How cool is that y’all? If I was a language expert I would have gone for ‘pango la mtoto’ but then again that’s why am not. I have always wanted to do a post in Swahili but I can’t. I don’t know Kiswahili. Wipe that. My Swahili is challenged. No, not because I am a Barbie. It’s because I first think in dholuo then say it Swahili. Right now I have problems pronouncing asante, is it pronounced asanty or asantee?

Those who know dholuo will tell you that there are some words whose meanings get lost in translation when I say what I’m thinking in Swahili. The woman who sells me mboga keeps correcting my Swahili that I have now become self conscious when talking to her. For example I told her “nitolee mguu ya mboga” when I wanted her to cut off the stem of the kales so that they could fit into my purse (yes boys I carry them in my purse). Now the luo word for stem is ‘tiend alot’. Now the word taken literary means ‘the legs of the kales’ ergo my many problems.

I have even tried to write a poem in dholuo and it was an epic fail. I’ve always admired how Okot P’Bitek did Lak tar ‘White teeth’ in Acholi. (Reminds me of the book white teeth that I reviewed last week, I wonder who copied who.lol) When I listen to people speak Acholi, it sounds like bad dholuo. I bet that’s how they feel about us when we speak. But I haven’t given up yet. I really wish I knew Portuguese so that I could read Paulo Coehlo’s books and Spanish to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s books the way they originally wrote them. I’m pretty sure there are some nuances and subtexts that we miss when we read the translated version. Oh well!

Anyhu enough of language talk. I got a very disturbing call from an old friend. He told me out of nowhere that he really wants to have a baby. (And here I am thinking that it’s only women who become broody) The talk was going on well until I asked him where I come in. He reckons that since am intelligent and have a banging body (his words not mine) maybe I should consider carrying his baby. THA HELL! I know am all that and a bag of chips and then some but kamman... He is one of those guys who you like as friends but wouldn’t dare do nooky with. Not because there is something wrong with him but because we have known each other for too long that sleeping with him would feel like incest.

Now what infuriated me was how he was going on about asking to rent my womb. (No wonder no woman wanted to carry an alien in their bellies for him). He pulled the you-are-getting-old-and-your-biological-clock-is-ticking bs. Not all women as fazed by their ticking biological clock. Not all women want to have children.

Now men if you want the lady to have your awesome rugrats with your superior genes you gotta come better than that. You gotta appeal to the lady’s vanity. I’m thinking something along the lines of  ”I want my babies to have your eyes” or “I have always known that you are my soul mate and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you”. “There is no woman in this world who I would rather have carry my baby”. You know something romantic. But asking kienyeji like that is just wrong. It makes me feel like I was his back up plan; like he has run out of options plus time.

See sending me a few beautiful chain emails and texts daily and the occasional calling so that we stay in touch doesn’t constitute a relationship. I talk to the garbage dude na mtu wamaji more than that and you don’t see me tryna have their babies now, do you? Besides I don’t do long distance. The longest distance between me and Mr. Right should be between the bedroom and the kitchen.lol.

Over the years I have noticed that most men don’t exactly believe in finding soul mates or the right woman. Men wait for the right time to marry and women wait for the right man. So when a man is ready to settle down, the women he is with at the moment of the inspiration is the one he will marry. So cross your fingers ladies and hope that the one you are with gets inspired to settle down with you soon. That’s why you can break up with a guy then 2 months later he is making wedding plans with another heifer. After you he realized he didn’t have the energy to look for another chic and court for a long time again.

Don’t be desperate to get married and have kids, the opposite sex can smell it from a long way off and are repulsed. I went to this gathering over the weekend and this dude started interrogating me. Asking me what I do for a living, who is my pastor, how old I am (yes he went there) etc. He wanted me to cram my cv in that small time period to save himself from having to buy me kwon gi rech and talk about my awesome self. Talk about speed dating on high gear. Good thing I was able to bs my way out of it.

I think aging is the wrong reason to have kids. Always have kids when you are financially, psychologically, emotionally ready. The people who pressure you won’t be there to help when you got formula and diapers to buy. All the morning sickness, the stretch marks, swollen feet etc will be on you alone. I said in this post that I want people to leave my uterus alone but I guess they didn’t get the message. Hope they will get it when I say it in Swahili... sigh! Or maybe i should beat him like a rented mule to send a message to all other men, maybe then I will have piece of mind!

ps- Nyumba yangu ya mtoto si ya kukodisha, translation - My uterus is not for rent