Mr. Wrong

For ladies only!!!

Most young women will tell you that one of the fears they experience is the fear of ending up with Mr. Wrong. That is if they aren’t already enmeshed in some pseudo relationship and are suffering a lot of grief with their life playing out like something out of the Mexican soaps. I’m no expert in relationship matters, but I can tell you the qualities of Mr. Wrong, seeing as I have had my fair share of frogs who never turned into princes even after swapping spit with them.

Those are 2 gm of my lip gloss that I will never get back! mssschew!

Although this article may not exhaust all the signs to look out for to determine if you are with the wrong man, it may provide a few pointers to help you in making a decision. You know, separate the wheat from the chaff. You may need a pen and paper...

1. Secrets

If a man does not intend to take your relationship anywhere, he keeps his life a secret. He doesn’t share the intimate details of his life. You don’t know where he lives. You do not know what he does for a living. You have never met his friends or family EVER. You never know where he is at any given time. In fact you know more about your M-pesa guy or milk man more than you know about him. If he switches off his phone when you are with him... honey you are in trouble! I have a friend whose boyfriend can switch his phone for a whole week. But my friend doesn’t get it. I’m guessing he has multiple phone lines and will probably throw away the sim card when he is through with her. (And oh, if your man suddenly yearns for independence with words “I need space” then its time to move on. The widest space you should have is between the bedroom and the kitchen.LOL)

2. You are warned about him all the time

If your friends, his friends, your family and his family keep warning you about him, then it is in your best interest to keep off him. (I remember I was once seated in a mat next to the driver and other friends started hi fiving him for “getting” me. They were speaking in another language and thought I couldn’t understand and the idiot actually played along. He went ahead to give him some dumb ridiculous story of how he was able to get me kwa box. It was hilarious, I couldn’t even get mad.) If his male friends have a nickname that implies he is a cheater e.g player, ladies man etc then it’s a clue. Sometimes if a man wants to break up, he will tell his friends and some of them throw you the hints. If you are smart you will pick up these hints.

3. Inconsistencies

You intuition tells you something is not right. Something is definitely off but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Now you see him, now you don’t. One minute he is chatting away with you, the next he is aloof. He tells you one story today and the next time he is saying a totally different story. All the stories he tells you just never add up. There’s so much inconsistency with him that you don’t even know who he is half the time.

4. No future talk

He never describes you as his wife or girl friend etc to other people. The only person, who knows he is your boy friend, is YOU. He never talks about his future plans with you because he doesn’t see you in it. One of the signs of a mature relationship is when people have similar goals and are planning a future together. I’m talking both short term and long term plans. If you never make any plans together at all that’s a big sign. If he keeps you on a need-to-know-basis kind of relationship which is infuriating then honey vamoose already!

5. Mixed signals

He always sees you when it is convenient for him and you have a good time. He promises to call you then disappears for days and appears from nowhere and starts off from where he left with no apology or explanation whatsoever. He never says he loves you but he acts as if he does. He leads you on and makes you think you are an item but you know in your heart it is not true. His words and actions are not in sync all the time. It’s like he hasn’t made up his mind whether he wants you or not. [Sometimes not making a decision is making a decision (do the math)]. And it is ok to ask “where is this relationship going?”

6. You don’t feel safe

If your man scares you somehow, in a way that you can’t explain then something is definitely wrong with your relationship. When you are in town and you see someone who looks like him your heart beats faster because of fear, you are in serious trouble. (One of my best friends has a douche bag of a husband who mistreats her. When they go out she has to carry extra cash because if she so much as suggests something he does not like, he walks out of the restaurant and doesn’t pay the bill. If you are in this a similar situation then it’s a clue). If you are afraid of making a suggestion, sharing your real feelings or anxieties with him... RUN baby, run!

7. Moves too quickly

This ninja always has fresh pick up lines. He is abnormally perfect. He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. He is too charming and knows how to reel you in and make you feel calm. Always has an answer and witty riposte for anything you ask him. He knows how to explain away any inconsistencies that you may be concerned about. He wants you to meet his mama after a week and drops the L-word within the first few meetings. He declares his feelings within the first few minutes of meeting. He wants to do anything you want to do. He is careful not to offend you. He is happy to let you run the show. Promises too much too soon and yet he doesn’t know you. This clearly shows he has no intention of getting to know all of you, except maybe this small part! (If he sweeps you off you feet easily, be assured he will drop you just as fast and the pain will hurt like a bastard)

8. Checks out other females

If he checks out other ladies in front of you then he doesn’t think you are an item. You also have to check how he relates with other females. Is he way too friendly? Does he flirt brazenly in front of you despite your protest of disapproval? Does that hug he gives Shaniqua take too long? Does he grub other women’s butt when you go out together? Does he hang out with ladies he clearly knows you hate?  Does he make misogynistic statements when you are together without thinking? Honey he has no respect for women! 

9. Puts zero effort in the relationship

Do you feel like you are in love alone? Do initiate all activities? Do you do all the calling and texting? Are you are the only one putting all the effort. Does it always seem like you are the one who is doing the chasing and not him? If he ignores you and can’t be bothered to text let alone call then it’s clearly not working. If you are doing too much to keep the passion alive and he isn’t, then clearly you are with Mr. Wrong!

10. Spend too much money or none

If he has never spent a dime on you but you have spent some on him, you are in trouble. (Does he always subscribe for free sms to chat and has never ever called you? Or those dudes who call for a few seconds and tell you to “weka laini ya airtel” then hang up haraka) When a man loves a woman he is willing to spend on her. If you have never touched his money, someone else is touching it and I’m not talking about his mama!

On the other hand if he ignores you and makes up for it by splurging on you then Houston...there’s a problem. He who pays the piper, calls the tune. Money weakens your resolve. Be wary of men who spend way too much cash on you unless of course you are looking for a “sponsor” and not true love.

11. Makes you feel bad about yourself

(I met an old friend a few days ago and she had shaved all her hair. I noticed this because back when we were younger she had the most beautiful shoulder length hair. We got to talking and she explained to me that she shaved it because every time she makes her hair her man makes fun of her. Telling her she looks like a witch while tagging and pulling on her hair. Her clothes and hair and everything about her is not good enough. He even calls her fat all the time and makes fun of her weight. I don’t mean to be arrogant but am never shaving my hair for no douche bag) If your man makes you feel worthless, constantly pointing out mistakes and criticizing everything please walk away. If he makes fun of your dreams and shows you how your plans won’t work, please walk away. He is going to break you and turn you into an insecure fool. It’s probable that he will do the same for your children.

12. He has the “Dorian gray syndrome”

He spends way too much time in front of the mirror than is healthy. He spends too much money on clothes. He marinates in his cologne. Spends too much time on grooming and is too concerned with his appearance. He never passes any mirror even when you are out together. God forbid one hair should be out of place. He carries a comb in his pocket and kitamba for wiping his shoes. He does pedicure, manicure and facials regularly. His bathroom has all the potions and lotions available on planet earth for improving one’s look. If he is not in the entertainment industry where his looks is part of the brand package- it’s a bad sign. He may be narcissistic or over compensating for something. He may even be trying to look good for someone and not you. I have a friend whose husband uses skin lightening creams and lotions (how do you spell douche bag). LOL.

13. Constantly accuses you of cheating

(A friend of mine has been avoiding me lately. I discovered from a mutual friend that her boyfriend b*tch slapped her in front of everyone at the club. She is afraid of telling me because she knows my potty mouth won’t let it go. The story goes that her bf went to the gents and the guy next to her started chatting her up. The next thing she knew, her man slapped her so hard she fell from her sina tabu stool. If the bouncer hadn’t intervened the poor girl would have ended up in the hospital. I wasn’t surprised because she had been telling me how he is constantly accusing her of cheating) Usually people who cheat assume others also doing the same. (btw if he cheats on you, he is Mr. Wrong, but you know that already)  Takes one, to know one. Like those father who are always abnormally strict with their daughters because they assume someone will do to them what they are doing to other peoples daughter’s.

14. Fights

I’m talking beating, slapping, grabbing, roughing you up...if it hurts then it can’t be love. The only time a man should lay hands on you is to pray for you or give you some loving.LOL. It doesn’t have to be physical, it can be verbal or emotional like sulking, cold treatment, abandonment, ignoring you etc. Not putting you first anymore then you know things have gone pear-shaped. If you fight too frequently, and you fight dirty then it’s definitely over. If you go for each others Achilles heels and fight at the slightest problem then there is some deep seated resentment that are clearly being projected. And if gets to the point that you fight in public with screaming contests, its the last straw as you have now lost respect for each other enough not to care.

This one is a no brainer unless of course you have a death wish them go ahead...as you were...

15. He has the “Peter pan syndrome”

He has never grown up. He is suffering from late adolescence. Wants to party all nite and sleep all day. The amount of blood in his alcohol is very low (sub text he is an alcoholic) Has no plans for the future and seems to need a mother more than a girlfriend. Your relationship feels more like babysitting. He is constantly playing games with you, using emotional blackmail, crying, whingeing and being melodramatic. Makes up dumb excuses for messing up; excuses which are both condescending and insults your intelligence. You play who-will-call-who-first games and before long you are reduce to indulging in these stupid games. You think you have won when he grovels first or you initiate the opening gambit but you know in your heart its all pyrrhic victory.

16. No shaboing’boing’

No sex (but if its there its booooriiing!), hugs or kisses no more. You don’t have any fun with each other whatsoever. You are bored around each other. This is self explanatory though!

You know its over and you need to cut your losses and move on. Now you are probably wondering, how do I walk away from a bad relationship? Well it’s easy, you put one foot in front of the other babes! Yes, you are welcome! Now try it.

*stands in a superwoman cat suit and cape flapping on top of a building – cue SMALLVILLE theme song*