Peculiar writers’ habits

I got another tip to help me improve my writing- spend more time with other writers. So a few weeks ago I had the pleasure of hobnobbing with a couple of writers in one of the local publishing house. And I can confess that the heady days I spent with them has convinced me that writers are definitely koo koo. Allow me to digress...

I watched a movie on KTN that followed the life of a character played by Kimberly Elise. She was a mentally challenged girl who couldn’t fit in a special school and in the mainstream curriculum either. This is because she was too fast for special school and too slow for the mainstream classes. She was straddling the fence between being completely normal and completely mentally challenged which means there was no where to go since the government doesn’t make provisions for such kind of people. The young lady was really frustrated because she couldn’t find where she fit in her surroundings. I didn’t know how the movie ended though because I fell asleep. Blame it on itis (remember boondocks). That’s how I feel sometimes, I’m light years from being a consummate writer but I’ve come too far to go back. Oh well....back to the topic.

Yours truly assumed she could easily segue into a great writer, write awesome stuff, shove it down the readers’ throats then wait for the awards to start pouring in but alas! I’m beginning to become ambivalent about this writing thing. It’s a jungle out there new writers! A writer writes an idiosyncratic article about a topic he/she cares about then puts on the last full stop satisfied that it’s a job well done. Before you know it, another writer writes a nuanced review of the article, which in most cases seeks to criticize the writer. Another writer comes in with a review of the review of the first writer, and then another writer writes the review of the review of the review... then it goes on and on and on...

Finally many other writers or bloggers (if it’s a blog post) join the fray and most of the time go out of topic such that you don’t even know what the original topic was all about. The comments, which are come thick and fast, quickly degenerate into attacking the writers personally and not their writing per se. Some trolls take it further by launching into a tirade attacking not only the writer but their loved ones, which feels me with so much indignation I get homicidal thoughts. They make sure to drop a few expletives to galvanize other reader’s emotions and as usual they invariably succeed. This is when I stop reading to keep from saying something I will regret later. But I must admit sometimes you can get some great insights and inspiration from the comment nazis that will help create something beautiful. That’s me... always looking at the glass as half-full!

Writers like to form camps; at least that’s how it seems to me. They hate those other publishing houses who in turn hate their writing projects. It’s hilarious to read the various blogs of them criticizing each other. I can’t complain because as they engage with each other us neophyte writers get materials from the articles that are edifying. One mans poison is another mans meat! And I like mine bovine (just though I should put it out there.LOL)

They also read a lot and are smart asses if you ask me. Some of the articles they graciously gave me make no sense at all.  I’m forced to keep referring to the dictionary to make sense of it all. Since all the articles they write have to be accurate, they do a lot of research and they know a lot about everything. 

(I can’t tell you how many times they kept correcting my grammar. They were appalled at my abysmal use of English language. I wonder what they could have done if they found out that I actually did English in college)

  

How many know you can’t argue with a writer and win? Ok hands down! They know how to organize their ideas and articulate all their thoughts. Writers know how to explain or put their feelings into words. They express themselves so beautifully which makes me envy them so much. Since they are so intense, they are able to feel things that the average person usually doesn’t. As one writer explained to me ‘they are in touch with their feelings’. Wish I could touch my feelings like that you know. Half the time I never know where my feelings are at. My writer friend tells me that makes me ‘emotionally handicapped’. (Where do people get such words?)

(Writers are the only one who can whip out words like “knowing yourself” “discovering yourself” and my own personal favourite “finding yourself”. I got another advice on being a writer about finding myself and my voice blah blah blah... Not that I was ungrateful or anything but why can’t they use normal words though? How pray tell do you find yourself? Personally, I, Me, Myself actually want to find ways how to get away from myself. If someone can help me find ways how I can get away from my self I would be eternally grateful. I’m full of my self. My cup of self runneth over! But for real though, how do you really find yourself? You have been always with yourself. You are all you know. Anything you need to find about your self will come forth during the few aha moments you experience or epiphanies you get from life-changing experience. I don’t think its something you can manipulate, but then again that’s why my writer friends still considered a Johnny-come-lately writer)

Even when they are wrong they know how to manipulate facts to win arguments. This is the only place where I have been unable to bull sh*t my way out of arguments. Clearly kuku wa shambani hawiki mjini!

Since writers think for a living they spend so much time trying to figure things out. This therefore simply means that they are loners. If you are going to create, you obviously need some alone time. This explains why they are always looking spaced out; lost in thought. They also love silence and abhor noisy people like me. I can’t tell you how many times I was shushed in that room. I tried putting on some music to lighten up everyone’s mood but of course they didn’t appreciate this benevolent gesture. The “silence is golden” sticker on the door should have been a clue for yours truly. I guess it’s because they won’t be able to resist listening to lyrics of the song and of course criticize it.

Writers are always trying to know why things happen that sometimes they go a bit koo koo. Since they spend so much time alone they come up with the most bizarre thoughts and ideas. Sometimes to strangers they can come off as taciturn. They are in most times antisocial ergo they have no one to bounce off their ideas. Staying away from other humans make them antisocial with no one to reality check them hence their ideas get crazier by the day. It’s no surprise to find that with time they begin to feel like gods thanks to being able to create characters who they manipulate whichever way they want. There is this joke I heard that you should never annoy a writer because he/she will use you as a character in their next book and “kill” you.

 I have read books that made me think that the writer must have been high on some potent drug or alcohol. One such writer is Roal Dahl whose book up to now I have never been able to read since they are scary and gross. I don’t watch horror movies, same for horror books.

There some things I think about that am afraid to even think about leave alone putting them down on paper. But not some writers, they put it all out there. I guess since they are alone for long periods of time there is no one to temper down their wild ideas, before long their actually lose their marbles. I swear writers are not normal. Like this time we are in the office of one writer and she shrieks loudly. I then ask her if she is ok. Then she goes “he sent me the email”. Then I read the email and I don’t see anything unusual. Then I ask her,”so?”. And she goes...and this is a true story “he didn’t break any grammar rules, it’s perfect”. This lady wanted to cream her knickers because her better half for the first time wrote an email correctly. There was no xaxa...powle...powua or xema.

If they don’t lose the plot, they are filled with a lot of angst at the things in the world that aren’t going according to how they want them to go. This can be seen in their works. They worry about colonialism, imperialism, war, death, female circumcision, slavery etc affecting the world around them. When I spoke to some of them, they were so passionate about some things which according to me they can’t really change, at least not in one day. Some writers actually get depressed when people read the works, get entertained but there is no real behavioural change. They brush the writer off as being idealist who worries too much about nothing.

Someone once said that being a writer is like having a homework everyday that you can’t get out of. Writers are sometimes oblivious of time. They write whenever they get inspired. At around 5 when I wanted to run away and beat the evening traffic, none of them moved a muscle. They didn’t even twitch as I was leaving. My goodbyes were met with a lot of shushing. If you live with a writer, don’t be surprised in the middle of the night you are woken up with someone typing away next to you. Their ideas flow thick and fast, that they may not even notice your pleas for them to go back to sleep. Writing becomes an obsession. It becomes a drug. It’s the first thing they do or think when they wake up. It’s the last thing before they go to sleep.

I can confidently say that some of them are so geeky it’s not funny. The jokes they have with each other are so weird that only someone in their circles can understand. I remember one of them telling me that they will delete me, and sure enough every one laughed (except me because I didn’t see how that was funny). Or when some talk they wiggle up their index and middle fingers to show what they are saying is in quotes. This is one of the gestures I hate after the thumbs up and the ku goteana one. sorry!

What I love about writers though is that they are great listeners. They listen to conversations more closely. They watch everything more closely too. I bet they can make great witnesses in court because nothing passes their gaze. Writers are always aware of what is in their surroundings no matter how mundane they seem. Its not that writers have voyeuristic interest in peoples lives; It’s just that have this innate ability to notice everything that happens around them. They look into your eyes when you speak so as not to miss any nuance of expression. Its almost like speaking to a therapist, they can even get a lot from just watching your body language. Explains why they are able to create characters in stories and explain things from their point of view. They are attentive to each any everything you say and they can even enunciate every word if you need them to. The down side of course is that they also have a good memory too. They can remember everything you said verbatim, so if you had lied earlier, you might get into a bit of a pickle.

After having such a good time with the writer I thought it would be cool to pretend to be one, that is, until one of the smart asses told me that I don’t look like one. You mean there’s a look? Veteran writers, you are killing me here. Why didn’t you tell me there is a look? Should I wear a dashiki and chunky jewellery? Should I dye my hair blonde or finally get that Mohawk cut? Should I go bald? Or go back to an au naturale fro like valentine Njoroge (saw her on k24 looking fiiinnnnneeee!*no homo*)? Should I get the orie-Rogo head gear? Should I get a tattoo? Should I have locks like Tony Mochama ? Should I pierce my nose and navel or something? Come on, somebody help me here. How is a writer supposed to look? ...sigh!