The thing about blogs is that people get to know you a little(read a lot) and when they know you, they then start to see the cracks and sometimes judge you especially if they think you are a pretender. I hate being put on a pedestal seeing as am a afraid of heights, I rarely even get on my high horse seeing as am no jockey either.lol,
I ain't shit...there i said it! its just that with a "pen" you get to create a picture you want...you manipulate characters and spin stories the way you want without fear of being..i dunno...misunderstood? I am shocked that some even ask for relationship advice from me...really people? really? ever heard of those who don't know/do teach(or something like that?)
I know you are wandering what it is am jabbering on about, well don't get your knickers in a bunch i will tell you. A few weeks ago i wrote about my pet peeves and somone thought it came of like i was implying that am flawless. Well tonight i put it all out there, i write stuff that i do that piss people off. Of course some i can't help, some i can, some i can help but wont. So try and get down from your high horse and understand me in your heart which i know is as big as a watermelon.
But if you get repulsed i take this chance to thank you for your time...its been nice knowing you, have a nice life...seriously..i wish you well..i hope you reincarnate as a slug.tihihi..
a) I watch movies with subtitles, it drives my friends bonkers as they cant multitask.See the thing is am not used to the twang, accents, slang and the pidgin used in most movies and i really don't wanna miss a thing.That's the reason I don't watch movies in theaters...that and because am broke...lol.
b) I open my mouth all the time, as in my lips part involuntarily from time to time.When i was about 7yrs old my front teeth were coming out but i didn't tell my parents so the new ones started growing underneath(don't ask me how that's even possible) so the result was that i have kinda Buck teeth so closing my mouth completely feels weird. It sorta looks like the singer Estelle's mouth. I cant count the number of times when i was young i used to be told to close my mouth.ouch!
c) I bite my nails, i know its a pretty nasty habit i developed as a shy teenager. It has made me get diarrhoea, amoeba and funny diseases because i ingest the germs under my nails. I have tried cutex(nail polish for some of you), chilli, fake nails but when i wake up in the morning i find them bleedy looking...and voila! i don't have nails. i need help..somebody..anybody
d)I chew food weird. You need to watch Dr.Lightman in LIE TO ME series to understand what am taking about. You don't want to see how i chew gum,crisps and carrots...the sound i make is painful to hear.Its like am chewing cud. I first noticed it when some video was shot in our youth group and i was watching a play back and i saw some chic chewing gum funny and i was shocked when i discover it was actually me.CRINGE!I remember when i was a kid and i was eating spaghetti the house help quit eating it.now i know why! In public i have learnt how to make it less conspicuous but once in a while i go into a trance and i start eating like my old self.What hurts more than my chewing is when people constantly criticize the way i eat...sigh..
e) My big voice. I have a very big voice. think Tasha Smith, Toni Braxton, Cess Mutungi only less sexier with a thick lakeside accent.lol. When i speak over the phone its hard to know whether am female or male. I called safaricom customer care a few days ago and they thought i was a fraudster. I had to give a lot of information which really pissed me off. At my old job when i called male clients they'd be like sema bwana and offer to buy my beer then later apologize profusely when they come to the office and they are told am of the female persuasion.This one time my mum called at night and hung up as soon as i said hello. When i called back she told me she thought i was with a man who picked.woiye! I went to some party in Uni and i had shaved my hair and some guy came over and asked me what am i? I think imma start walking naked.lol.To make matters worse sometimes i don't speak clearly...its sort of nasal like the Jael chic in the ANTM season where that Joslene, the Spicy Latina chic won. Only my family and close friends understand what i say. But i have learned how to take it down a notch from my phonetics classes but i forget most times. Sometimes kids are afraid around me because they get confused as to what to do with me.
Now combine the big voice with my laughter which is like the braying of a donkey and am pretty sure its a few decibels higher than what NEMA allows. Its actually a beautiful belly laugh, i don't just laugh with my teeth , i laugh from the heart until by sides ache. and it doesn't hurt that i came from a family full of funny people, from Dani(shosho) all the way to mama(i don't call my mother mummy, that's what white people call theirs.lol)i hear some men hate that ka - laugh.don't ask me why, your guess is as good as mine!
f) I eat and read in bed- a habit i developed when i moved into my self contained house and i didn't have a couch. Please stay away from anything from the bakery.When bread crumbs dry they exfoliate your skin, its especially annoying to people who sleep semi naked like me.lol.
and oh! i read in the loo too.Its the most private place in the house. no one goes to look for you there.lol.
g) I have very poor eye sight so i may have on some occasion used the wrong toothbrush.i know its gross!Come on when the lighting is poor even you wouldnt know the difference between light blue and light green- they all look alike when i dont have my glasses. But not to worry my toothbrush has been exiled to the kitchen away from everyone elses besides these days i have learnt to wear my glasses first thing when i wake up.
f) I have on occasion bouts of insanity that's why i changed my blog description to the one above.Its not premeditated though.I do stuff then in retrospect i start wondering-what was i thinking??Friends tell me stuff i did or said in college and i swear i can't begin to explain what was going through my mind then. like this time i ate melons in the pub..
what! am a teetotaler... beer tastes like feet and it has no sugar. why do people drink any ways?? Its so bad that some of my friends doubt if i really graduated from uni. I don't know how to act educated. i live in the village no one cares that you have a degree, we are all equal.any way for the doubting Thomases here's the proof
Please ignore the bling!
...I swear i look like them prize cows during the ASK shows tihihi...
g) My English is challenged. you would think that as an English teacher i would follow grammar rules but i don't , at least outside the class room( sorry Noam Chomsky). Why just yesterday i discovered that in front, a lot are two words. And who decided that 'written' should have two T's and 'writing' should have one 'T'. why cant they both have same number of T's and save me some energy?? I do shit like put full stops on titles, i write 'genius' as 'geniuos' it sounds nicer,'Enquiries' is 'inquiries' for yours truly or is it the other way round..dunno? will check later. I am married to the word LOL. i over abused it daily .sorry dear.lol.
It gets wort i have serious "mother tongue supremacy(lake-side accent for some of you)My brother says i pronounce 'EVEN' wrong. i take it literally, to me it rhymes with 'heaven'I have to stop but i can't. i pronounce 'the' as tha', but only people from the lakeside notice my shrubs, others can't tell.yay! Don't get me started on the 'SH' syndrome. I have tried to sing Pink's - like a pill, the part that says -There's a shortage in the switch- and i cant...for real...i really cant. and that song by Damian marley and bobby brown where he sings -She shampoos my locks
- i wish i could sing it.oh well!
Next year am moving to the Nairobi City(yay!) and i know am going to stick out like a sore thumb.
h) I love black- from coffee,to purses, to earrings,to phones,to dresses, to shoes, to men, to clothes, to bedsheets, cutex (yes i said cutex). I hope it doesn't imply anything in the spiritual realm though. all my pants are black and shoes too, except my sandals.Its easy to match with anything.I hear some people find this disturbing!
i) the last one. wow! the more i write the more i realize am a really flawed individual.jeez! anyhoo..here goes...i suffer from a mild halitosis in the morning. So no morning "anything" for me(wink twice). If any body "talks" to me i go ninja immediately.lol.I don't talk when i wake up in the morning, my friends find it funny but as soon as i get the right truth brush and wash my face am yapping like crazy.lol.
Imagine despite all these i still think am awesome...i hope am not delusional! LMAO
ta ta lovely people.
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