why I won't kill myself

Imagine my shock and horror when I heard on the news a few days ago that the suicide cases that has been reported all over the country this year involve young people. Why (in the name of anything sacred) would a young person want to end it all when they haven’t even begun living?

We have all had those days that the world has got us by the balls and it keeps on squeezing just for kicks. And we just can’t seem to catch a break. It’s axiomatic that life is not always easy. I will be the first to admit that I have had those days described by Robbie Williams in his song feel- I don’t wanna die but I ain’t keen on living either. Or like Sam Cooke said in change is gonna come- It’s been too hard living but am afraid to die, cause I don’t know what’s up there beyond the sky. Or as Eminem says in Roman’s revenge – Life is hard… I swear to… life is a dumb B*t*h… with fake tits…tight top... just spit in my f-ing face and called me a (insert a dirty word here)

But I have never once considered ending it all. Now I have four reasons for going on…

For one, a suicide attempt can back fire and you end up in sing sing eating bad food and being raped by what’s-his-face. You might also get interrupted and then you will have to explain exactly what is bothering you. In my native luo home if you were found trying to yourself, the remedy is to literally beat the devil out of you with a nice thick stick to exorcise the suicide demon. True story, if you don’t believe me you better ask somebody. Or you shit yourself and people have to come find you reeking of effluvia and God knows what else. You will even be more depressed like this blogger describes in a previous post since you suck at living and dying, so to speak. If you thought your life sucks balls, you will then realize that down has a basement.

If you kill yourself, you will leave your loved ones in a lot of pain. As much as you do not value your life, there are some people who will actually be broken up when you die. If you do not want to live for yourself then do it for them. I’m lucky to have friends and family who think I’m the best thing since Mpesa and sliced bread. I can’t imagine ever ending it all and having to see them suffer. My loved ones give me strength to go on even when I don’t know that I can.

Three, I’m a Christian and the good book says ’ thou shalt not kill’. That of course includes yourself. I know you want to imagine you belong to yourself and you can do whatever you want right? Nope wrong! You will burn to crisp in Hades when you commit suicide.

Now the real reason why I won’t want to push daises anytime soon is that my bucket list is so long that I haven’t even begun to exhaust it. I have nephews and nieces who I can’t wait to spoil rotten. I always imagine what they will be when they grow up. What they will do, will they love books? and movies?… am so excited about watching them grow that I can’t wait for the years to go by quickly.

I have to date a younger man and live out my peter pan and Wendy fantasy. I have to date a married man and get double bitch slapped by an irate wife. I haven’t even fallen in love and gotten symptoms like Florentino in the book love in the time of cholera. Be miserable and happy at the same time while enjoying my “martyrdom.” I’m talking fever, lack of appetite, vomiting kedhno (what’s the English word for this?) et all.

My Mr. too-damn-good has to come along and thaw my fort knoxed cold heart. I want to meet Mr. tall-dark –and-dangerous fall madly in love like bonny and clyde and hide his whereabouts when the cops come for his criminal behind. And write bad poetry to encourage myself when I am in the prison cell waiting for mama to come pay my bail.  

I want to date a politician Lewinsky style and get hated by the citizens. Maybe I will even write a Memoir – I can see the title now My dalliance with Mheshimiwa (has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?)  I will become notorious. I will be blogged about. I will be invited for talk shows- woman without limits ( no pun intended, I swear!), Patricia Amira show, Sebuleni etc. I will sign on people’s chest and become an inspiration for all the bad gyals all over the country. 

Maybe I will finally graduate from the shallow end to the deep end and stop disappointing my swimming buddies.Or finally go to Washington DC and sit on Lincoln’s lap. Go to Italy and sip on white wine. I have to go to Aruba and sunbathe while drinking those drinks with tiny umbrellas. Go to dinner where the food is too pretty to eat and the patrons are too polite to stare. Go to a nudist beach and finally get an even skin tone from sitting in the sun. Finally I can get all the ladies off my back. Always asking me gay-ass questions in the changing room about how come my body is lighter than my face. Smh.

Maybe I’ll even get a tattoo which I will regret later then have it removed to stop from scaring the kids in the pool. Alternatively I will have the skin from my gluteus maximus grafted on my tattoo to hide it.  Lawd! So many mistakes to make so little time. lol.   

I’m saving up for laser eye surgery to cure my myopia so that I can finally get to know what it feels like not to wear prescription glasses. Jaber3000 has got layers like an onion people, which are yet to be peeled. Now think about all the things you will be missing young people if you died before the grim reaper comes for you mmmhhh!

Ps. please try out the new Del Monte- pink guava flavor. It is to die for y’all. And no they didn’t pay me to advertize. I swear it hits the spot. It explodes in your mouth and is like a symphony in your stomach jowadwa. Then when you take it with digestive biscuits it is like copulation…wolololo…mayie denda. If you are feeling down, go get some… juice I mean! Yes, you are welcome

Ta ta lovely people,

enjoy your weekend!