Say what!!!!

I have noticed this peculiar habit in this beloved city of ours. When you go to peoples homes they offer you a drink. As in anything you want, they got it all in their liquor cabinets. It’s like every month their shopping budget includes all types of alcoholic drinks to entertain their guests. Back in my village I’m used to being offered chai or kawaida stodgy food but liquor... well that’s new for me. And this alcohol you are supposed to take while you wait for lunch which most of the time will be ready at 5 pm jioni!!!

Note to self- next time you are invited for lunch in Nairobi eat at home first!

So yesterday I go to this lady’s place and she sweetly tells me to go take some ice in the fridge. I thought she wanted me to lick some ice (weird) or something but it turns out she wanted me to drink some black ice. I tell her am a teetotaler and her jaw drops.

“ghai! Since when? Wewe ni mjaluo kweli?”

She talked as if being a teetotaller is some kind of disease. The other guests in the house also got in the conversation to give their two cents. For some reason, they all seem to believe that all luo women love alcohol with one even quoting a line in the song by rapper Big Pin “mamanzi wa kisumu wanapenda beer” (I don’t even come from Kisumu.smh).  Clearly the person who was collecting data did not come to Kanyamkago village to ask for my opinion. The last time I tried alcohol I ended up turning into a blithering bubbling fool half singing, and half rapping gospel songs...

Am gonna lay down my burdens, down by the river side...

My cousin reckons that being pickled makes me feel closer to God. I’m pretty sure this statement is right up there with blasphemy. So now my being unable to hold my drink disqualifies me from being a true Luo woman O.O? Its stereotypes and profiling of people from other tribes in Kenya like this that makes my hackles rise. Since I’m a self appointed spokes person I have made it my duty to squelch all these rumours about “my people”. My new life mission is to track down these people peddling rumours and beat the lumps out of them. That is after they take me to the shop where they got the marbles to come up with these stories that have me erupting into spasm of fury (don’t ask me what that means, moving on)

The next misconception which I learned jana is that Luo women have good taste in clothes and love their make up. Ok, most do but not all. Thou cloth doth not maketh a man, I say! Actually, yours truly dresses to cover nakedness and comfort; fashion is not of the essence. The closest I have come to makeup is my lip gloss which I only use when leaving the house. The lady who does my hair always tries to make me use make up but alas! I tried mascara as a teenager and it ended up with me looking like singer Prince. Due to wearing glasses for over 10 years my eyes water easily. I will be walking in town and I feel my cheeks wet only to realise my eyes are tearing. I can’t tell you how many times people ask me if am ok when they see my eyes getting misty. Besides I don’t like how the mascara makes my lashes sticky and gooey. Since I bite my nails, lipstick and nail polish is out of question as I will ingest it as I indulge in this nasty habit.

Wait it doesn’t end there. I think you better sit down for this one. It’s big.

Ati Luo women are sexually liberated (read good in the boudoir). This bunkum really burns my biscuit. Thank you very much you beautiful Luo woman with a gorgeous lithe body who gave some ninja a night of his life. Now because of you the bar has been set way too high for the rest of us challenged women. Some men now expect me to go to town when we you-know-what. Somehow you have managed to convince men with your sultry moves that all Luo women know how to deliver the goods and now the pressure and expectations is driving me insane. I mean, it’s not like we were having a hard time working on our self esteems before you decided to move the bar again...nkt!

My friends tell me that my bedroom skills are wanting. Now we were having a referendum about my challenged boudoir skills. Can you believe these people? I really need to find me some new friends for reals! I hope it was the alcohol talking, I really do. Apparently it is evident from the way I walk...really??? There is even a walk? These people are killing me here! I have a mind to cut the sole of one of my shoe heels like Marilyn Monroe is rumoured to have done, so that when I walk my yansh can sway seductively and maybe then I can finally get a man and give my mama some granbabies. sigh!

I always assumed as long as you lie there like a star fish and take it like a woman you are good to go. But nooo... my bff insists that doing shaboingboing is like riding a bicycle upside down. I do not know how to ride a bike (long story-don’t ask) hence I could not get the concept using this analogy. My other male pal tells me that it’s a bit like eating at a fancy five star restaurant; you go from outside and work your way in. Again I have never gone to such restaurants; of course he lost me at five star restaurants. So you know at this point am getting frustrated with the responses and advice I’m getting. And I’m not any closer to getting any one who will say what I want to hear. I have a feeling these men swallowed a dictionary and the gutter. Men can say the most disgusting things using such beautiful vocabulary that you wouldn’t know you were insulted until a few days later. smart a**!

The man who lives upstairs (no not Jesus, upstairs, as in our building), claims that he wanted to have a dalliance with me but realised that I never know the “moment” comes. He claims that he has tried throwing hints but I haven’t caught any. Lawd! Somebody slap me upside the head for being such an a**. It seems this moment is so transient that the window closes faster than my slow mind can decipher when it appears. How can I do ‘it’ right, when I don’t even know when to do ‘it’? It’s like chopping for exams and you don’t know the date of the exam!

See the problem is that there is no universal sign that can help me know when the “moment” is right. It is very important to get the “moment” right because if you misinterpret any gesture it can end up with the dude being weird around you like you are some nympho or something. Besides our upbringing and society tells women that they should not be prurient. It would explain why am not au fait with the sexual parlance of this here parts.

One dude told me I should have known it was time when he blinked at me. Well we had not discussed our Morse code for I-want-to-have-empty-and-unattached-sex-with-you earlier. Forgive me for asking if there was something wrong with his eyes. Some other dude told me that when he tickled me I should have gotten the picture. So now when anyone tickles me (including my family members) I should get out my paper spray, mace the SOB or run for the hills.

Gawd! Can Cosmo or the sex gods come with a universal code for the “moment” already to save me from these embarrassing moments because at this rate it just going to be me and my hand for the rest of my life. You all know how I hate taking matters into my own hands *if you know what I mean* Alcohol tastes like feet, fashion ain’t really my thing, make-up ...belgh! but my poor boudoir skills well that’s a no no... The insinuation cut me...it cut me real deep. Whatever happened to people being equal? Sigh! No wonder I never get the proverbial morning after call. All this time I was thinking men are threatened by my success (ok more like potential, you know since am in between jobs- jobless is such a dirty word) and am too good for them or they don’t know how to handle a strong woman since they are emotionally crippled (yes, this how I sleep at night in my cold bed and I know what you are thinking- hello therapy!!!! But its not like that).

If anybody needs me I will be in the village limbering up 

and getting my Kegel exercises on, 

I will be dammed if I miss another “moment” again. Carpe diem jaber! I’m very sanguine about this journey that I have embarked on. Yes, Vicky is getting her groove back! Vicky is going to blossom and open up like a lotus flower. I will embark on this bisypean task of harnessing all this latent sexual energy and channel it through ways which are not of your business. You just wait you beautiful Luo women, I’m gonna put y’all to shame one of these fine days! Take this as a challenge! There’s a new foxy lady in town ready to liberate her hoohah! I will revamp and upgrade my prosaic boudoir skills. Then it will be game over for y’all. Talking about nyef, nyef, nyef... cheiiii!

Ps- Just so you know, I may not be good at you-know-what but I sure am fast which is more that I can say for y’all. How you like them apples ladies!!!