Samson Pride

I am a proud woman..very proud. I think am the only woman who understands why the character Okonkwo in Things fall apart by Chinua Achebe killed hisself...I'd rather die than admit am weak. I'm talking the destructive kind of pride.The kind that for today i will call the Samson Pride. In the Bible in the book of Judges there's a man called Samson who was full of it. Did things his way. Every time he wanted to do something he went on without praying. Every time ...the spirit of the lord came upon him...he was always overtaking God..lol.That's exactly the behaviour of yours truly. It has taken me along time to accept it but i finally did.

The year was 2010, place was Gospel Outreach church, time was 1600hrs, event - women's meeting, speaker- can't remember but i think her name was Mrs.Bogonko. It was one of those few meeting that i have ever attended in our church. yeah! yeah! am a feminist at heart. I also attend chamas for the free food and gossip seeing as i don't have anything else to contribute.

Anyway the woman was speaking about her pride and how he almost cost her marriage. I wasn't really listening seeing as am not married and all. She quoted the book Of Esther in the bible. She was going on and on about the lady called Vashity. (tried to look for the book of Esther but i cant find it- my bible is old , has no indexes in case you are wondering.lol)- i really need some church.

The more she spoke the more i started getting interested. She talked about herself and i felt as if she was describing me, Never felt so naked in my entire life. After her talk she asked if there was anyone one who needed help in dealing with their pride..*crickets*

No one raised their hand- including yours truly. Why? come on - you know why. That's when i knew i was in a lot of trouble. I was worse off than i thought. I mean i was even too proud to admit am proud in the house of God that i was crippled with pride...the God who i claim to believe and respect...the God whom i hope to one day stand before and be judged..the only God who can save me from myself... the very God who promised to give me a new heart for where my icebox used to be..

...i will take away your stubborn heart of stone and give you an obedient heart..
Ezekiel 36:26

That very same God who loves me unconditionally... i was now pretending in front of him.

I left that meeting a very troubled woman. Part of me wished i hadn't attended the meeting so that i could continue lying to myself that there's nothing wrong with me. Guess i didn't want to prove the stereotype that women from the lakeside are proud, loud and generally obnoxious. I had become that which i had feared and fought so hard.

I buried the feelings deep down, because i just didn't want to deal. The thing about pride and emotions generally is that they are like energy...you cant loose them...You can only convert them from one form to another. Just when you think you are over and above something they take on another form often worse than the initial emotion, as if as it moves it gathers momentum in the process and before you know it its bigger than you.That's when you start projecting by becoming irritable, impatient, angry with sudden drastic mood swings etc. Sooner rather than later you are confronted with these feelings in your face..it gnaws at your conscience .keeps you awake at night..and you then go past the denial stage and gradually accept things as they are.

Unfortunately for me my sooner has not come. am afraid to go there ..am afraid to open that Pandora box because i know the process is painful to go through. Its just easier to lie to myself that am awesome and everybody else is wrong.

My pride has cost me jobs, friendships, opportunity, family and worst of all intimacy with God. I am so proud that there was a year i went with out crying for the whole 365 days...not even a single drop... I was tired of crying all the time...my pillow wet stained with tears every night..my heart being put in a blender over and over and over...and wen i wake up in the morning i find that nothing has changed..i was all cried out.

I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't be vulnerable...i couldn't put it all out there...i couldn't let my self fall knowing very well i couldn't guarantee that there will be somebody there to catch me.I remember going for some team building session where we were told to fall backwards into the arms of our teammates...hell no! I was shocked at every bodies ability to trust so easily. i refused to do it. Some even thought i was just being my funny self...when i walked back to the hotel room..that's when they knew shits serious.

Pride has alienated me from people and turned me into a monster. I have forgotten how to relate with people. I don't feel like i really belong anywhere in the grand scheme of things. Now you know why i love the character Holden in J.D. Salinger's The catcher and the Rye. Its so bad that when i visit my friends i don't unpack. For real, i don't. I leave my shit in the suitcase. Funny thing is i never knew did it until my friend brought it to my attention. She normally waits until i fall asleep and she secretly transfers them to her closet. Come to think of it i recently moved back to my mother's house and i haven't unpacked anything. Weird, i know. I even find it hard to go for "number two" in a new environment. I mean i want to go but i cant go(you know what i mean?) My friend says its because i missed some developmental stages in my early childhood- really??? This "disease(for lack of a better term) has got me acting all weird.

This pride won't even let me let a man take care of me. A few days ago i argued with my pal over credit he sent me. He asked me why i never call and i told him i didn't have credit...so the logical solution was for him to give me credit which then became an issue and the poor man couldn't understand what he did wrong(women!). The conversation ended with him telling me to take it to Bobby or shove it up my arse( i deserve that). The poor guy is trying to love me and i won't let him. He says he will love me even if it kills me (talk about tough love or is it thug love?). This reminds me of the character in Light in August- Joe thomas who was adopted and anytime his step mom was trying to be nice he would go like...she is trying to make me cry...Guess this guy it trying to make me cry by breaking the walls...

My pride right now is about to cost me a relationship. I am too proud to say am sorry, it was my fault...am too proud to sat i miss hanging out...i miss the phone calls...the texts...am too proud to say i take back everything i said..too proud to admit i have written the text many times and deleted it immediately ...too proud to admit i go to twitter and fb stalking to see if i have already been replaced...too proud to admit that i cant stop crying myself to sleep..too proud to show how tired i am of being strong and i just want to run back into the same arms and cry my tear glands dry(and buy him a new shirt to replace the one stained with tears, eyeshadow and lip gloss)...too proud to admit i can't do it alone.

The worst part is that you know this blog is about you and when you call to ask me...my pride will tell me to tell you its not!

I leave you with the lyrics of this awesome song, which makes me cry all the time.

Be careful of my heart by Tracy chapman

You and your sweet smile
You and your tantalizing ways
You and your honey lips
You and all the sweet things that they say
You and your wild wild ways
One day you just up and walked away
You left me hurting
But I can forgive you for that now
You taught me something
Something took half my life to learn

When you give all yourself away
Just tell them to be careful of your heart
Be careful of my heart, heart
Be careful of this heart of mine

[Lyrics from www.EasyLyrics.org]

Be careful of my heart, heart
It just might break and send some splinters flying
Be careful of my heart, heart
Be careful
You you you
You you you
You you you
Took my love
Thought you took it all
You you you
You you you
You you you
Took my love
And now you're gone

But I'm not breaking down
And I'm not falling apart
I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time
I'd save
A little love for myself
Enough for my heart to mend
A little love for myself

One day I just might love again
One day some sweet smile might turn my head
One day I just might give all myself away
One day
One day
One day

[Lyrics from www.EasyLyrics.org]

But I'm not breaking down
And I'm not falling apart
I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time
I'd save
A little love for myself
Enough for my heart to mend
A little love for myself

One day I just might love again
One day some sweet smile might turn my head
One day I just might give all myself away
One day
One day