Lies about rape that women are always told

from www.venusbuzz.com 

Last week I had a discussion with my students and I was shocked at the misconceptions they have about rape. They were telling me things like if a woman dresses too sexy she is asking for it. or if you go for rave at night and you get raped its your fault. What even made me want to slit my wrist was when one girl told me her mama always tells her not to go outside usiku because she will get raped. (This is why I think Sex Education should be taught in Schools)

I was watching the movie For colored girls with a male friend and he actually told me that the character played by Anika Noni Rose deserved to be raped because of the way - according to him- she was rubbing up on the man. Themost scary thing is the guy who told me this is well educated and has many sisters and a mama too. Now tell me if this is what he thinks what about the people who actually rape women?. The world really is a scary place. 

Anyhu these two scenarios inspired me to explain away the misconceptions people have about why women get raped. here it goes...

1. Do not go out alone especially at night to avoid rape

Wrong: statics show that over 85% rapes are committed by men known to women. There is no typical rapist and they are from every economic, racial, cultural, social, ethnic etc background. Women get raped in their homes, offices and even on dates with their love interest. Only about 9% of rape is by strangers. It is really sad that women are taught to restrict their movements and freedom just because some jack ass feels the need to abuse women. Be that as it may, you should really be careful about the men around you. I have never been raped but I have been assaulted by a man who was in my circle of friends. The sad part was I was in his house and he even had the balls to ask me why I went to his house if it’s not for sex. It wasn’t even at night for crying our loud. Since then I do not go to my male friend’s houses alone. I can’t even begin to imagine what rape survivors go through every day as they try to get their life back. Yes it is that serious.

2. If you dress skimpily or act a certain way you are asking for it

In the movie “the good wife” a prostitute- turned exotic dancer gets raped and everybody acts like she was asking for it. Women have been led to believe that only certain types of women get raped and if you dress decently you are “safe”.  Women are sometimes blamed for having behaved demurely hence deserved to be raped.

Wrong: Women of all ages (3yrs-90yrs), faith, race, classes, culture etc get raped and it has nothing to do with the way you act or dress, I mean you can’t tell me that when a child is wearing diapers or cucu with her lesso and head scarf was asking for it! There was a story in the media about a physically disabled girl was raped by six boys aged 14-19, and another 9 month old baby who was raped by six men who were between 24 -66 years of age. So how pray tell where these two females asking for it? Seriously? This is the sickest lie I have ever heard in my life! In fact attractiveness has very little significance when it comes to sexual assault as rapist usually choose women who are the most vulnerable not their looks. Some rapists even claim in court that they though they were doing the woman a favour especially if they considers her less attractive or undesirable than other women. (This reminds me of the character Christian in the series Nip/Tuck who had no regard for women)

3. Women secretly want to be F*cked and her no often means yes.

Some men still don’t see what the big fuss is about rape, they see it as just another sexual event. I saw someone write on twitter that rape is just “surprise sex” and eventually the woman will relax and enjoy it. Some men even claim that rape is just “good sex that is done at the wrong place, at the wrong time”. At another time the woman will enjoy it and it’s not that serious.

Wrong: Just as a victim of murder, robbery etc does not enjoy the experience women do not enjoy sexual violence at all. No matter how attractive a man is, it doesn’t mean all women want to get into their pants. Rape is not sex for the woman, it is an act of violence and no woman asks for this. According to the law every woman has the right to say no at any point of sexual contact which is something MOST men do not seem to understand. Ever after you have engaged in heavy petting, the woman does not owe you sex. Even if you have had sex in the past and she doesn’t want to today, you have to respect her decision. If you do not stop when she says no then you are now raping her.

4. If you have a bad reputation, drink, take drugs etc then you deserve to be raped

Wrong: no one deserved to be hurt at any point in their lives no matter what they have done. Just because she agreed to take alcohol or drugs with you doesn’t mean she wants to be raped. It is considered an assault because these substances impair her judgement and are therefore unable to say no. There also a perception that when ladies go to the club they want to be chips-fungwad. Personally when I used to go out with pals back in college I genuinely just wanted to hang out with them. Dance, sing along to our favourite songs then go home. Period! I wasn’t looking for anything else. Men should never use this excuse to rape a woman.

5. If it didn’t hurt or you didn’t fight back it is not rape

The absence of objection or no visible evidence it doesn’t mean there was no rape. One lady was raped and was taken to the hospital and one of the male doctors said that “her injuries were minor” which is a very hurtful thing for a victim to hear. There are even some people who blame the rape survivor if she had resisted later on in the rape rather than earlier.

Wrong: The psychological and emotional torture stays with you. Up to know am very wary around my male friends so I do not want to imagine what rape survivors go through! When women are being raped they don’t enjoy it eventually but they stop fighting to minimize the harm done to them or fear further violence. The only control these women have is to reduce the harm and pain such as virginal tearing and should not be confused with consent.

6. Some men can’t help themselves

Oh ... men who rape are mentally ill... drunk, depressed, stressed or “is not himself”. The most ridiculous excuse is - When a man is sexually aroused he has to have sex and cannot really help himself. You won’t believe the variety of excuses that men have over the years used in court to justify rape. Personally I believe if you are drunk and know how to put the penis inside the vagina then you’re prolly not drunk enough. How can a crazy person know what to do with a vagina or his phallus for that matter? But that’s just my take on it...

Wrong:  People do not accidentally rape, studies show that all sexual assault is premeditated; they want to control and dominate their victim. The rapist has fantasised about if for sometime and was waiting for an opportunity to present itself or they just find ways on how to carry out their plan. There is never an excuse to sexually assault women. Studies show that only less than 5% of convicted rapists were psychotic. More than 80% of the rapist were fully aware and knew what they are doing. Men are not animals and can easily control their urges. I don’t think a man needs to rape a woman to satisfy himself at her expense.

7. Men who rape do not have opportunities to have sex

People assume that all rapist are sexually frustrated men and don’t have anyone to sleep with.

Wrong: Men who are sexually active with their partner are as likely as any other man to rape a woman. I heard of husbands who go on to rape their maids or children even though their wives have sex with them regularly. There are even cases where men rape their wives when they say no due to reasons such as illness, their on their period or after childbirth. Do not assume that just because a men has a sexual partner at home he can’t rape you.

8. You owe him sex

I was shocked when watching some talk show on our local TV station when a man joked that when he spends KES 3000 on dinner on you then you owe him sex. So I guess these days punani goes for 3K. I was even surprised that that station aired that clip and nobody protested. You just have to go to a few clubs here in the country you see just how many creeps think women owe them sex. Like b*tch should have been in love with him like yesterday. I once went out and some dude offered to buy me a drink and I agreed. He leaned over and suggested that I go back to his place. I thanked him and politely declined. Would you believe he took back the soda?  I couldn’t resist laughing. The soda was a down payment for my sugar shack. Ghai! Just when you think you have seen the lowest that some people will go to get booty someone comes and takes you to the basement.

Wrong: As a woman, no mater what the man does for you, you do not owe him sex. No one can a put a value or worth on you as a person. This excuse is usually used by men who are in position of power, authority and have financial clout and can get away with rape. Never allow yourself to feel like that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect and that you always have to pay back with sex. If you have to pay back in sexual favours for any good gesture that you get then maybe you are better of without any help.

Do not believe any of these lies. No one deserves to be violated and you have to absolutely tell someone when you get raped so that it doesn’t happen again to you or anyone else. And for men next time a woman says no, just walk away. Treat every woman you meet with respect just like you’d like your female family members/friends to be treated.

Of course Politicians are gonna lie...duh!

How many times have you gone for a job interview and look at your potential employer dead-straight between the eyes and lied. Talking about how you are a team player when you know deep town that those team building seminars stir some misanthrope feelings in you. Or how you are self-motivated and can work well under no supervision and now when the boss is not around you are busy on solitaire all day.

Now why are some people getting their knickers in a wad when our politicians promise us heaven? I mean how else would you want them to win over their opponents voters? Durn right their gonna lie through their teeth because campaigning for the presidential seat is like being on a job interview. It's about putting your best foot forward(lying is such a dirty word.lol), peppering your speech with some half truths or white lies. So please stop whingeing and go vote come Monday. I know I will! Kenya is marwa.

dang! I should have been stronger

When you are young, the first friends you make are usually your siblings and cousins. You spend so much time together that you know what they are like and of course how to press their buttons. Then you grow up go to different schools, get different friends and somehow you get disconnected. My sister @fuegocassey came home a few days ago during the school holidays and I was shocked at how different we have become.

For instance while I like showering later on in the day after mabati imekuwa moto, she likes to bathe first thing when she wakes up. And she wakes up EARLY! I now have to contend with squelching slippers reveille as she prances around the house gathering her bits and bobs to take to the shower. While I bathe with any soap as long as it lathers, @fuegocassey cannot dare bring any soap near her face. (No wonder my face feels like pizza toppings) She has THREE tiny towels; one for the face, another for the body and feet. She finds it appalling how a woman can take a face towel and scrub her a** then bring it to her face again. Yep! She a girly gal. She bought me some shower gel and was shocked to find that it is still new. I find the smell too strong and the sunlight soap serves me well. If it is good enough to wash my hanky then darn it, it can wash my a**. 

She love make up and whenever she is in the house it smells like potpourri. She believes that a lady should smell nice. I on the other hand have on occasion gone out without deo nshit and the results were...how do i put it...disastrous! While she gets a hernia if she leaves the house without looking really nice, I can leave the house without applying anything on my face and not feel like the sky will fall. I love comfortable and practical shoes but no... babygal has to wear the fuck-me-pumps. 

Isn't she adorable?

I’m not tech savvy. I can’t even update the virus thingy on the house computer which infuriates her.I can't even use the new touch screen phones that they have thanks to my fingers which are as fat as sausages! She types very fast while I type painfully slow unless of course you want me to type "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".

While I like my bed black and free of pillows, she comes into the house and the bed looks like those beds I see in home improvement brochures. Don’t get me started on the huge stuffed animals; she even had nimo and crazy frog O.O!

She is constantly hanging around kids and knows every cartoon programs there is and oh she loves animations too and I’m not as crazy about them. She watches weird movies like Borat, The dictator, project X, Hangover, Dumb and Dumber, Vampire Suck, Scary movie among others which personally I find disturbing. While I love Kerry Washington, Fuegocassey thinks she "over acts". Now people tell me you don't love how she be loving on the president in the T.V. series Scandal, Or seduced whatshisface in I think I love my wife, or get the accent right in The last king of Scotland and how she faints dramatically in Django. These young people don't know good acting even when its staring back at them in the face.

I also don’t like how she uses my little cousins as mannequins. My uncle is always worried whenever they go to the salon together as her and baby Blessing try to find and re-invent themselves( btw Blessing is only 2 1/2 years old) I have seen the baby in scary yellow and purple braids. I didn't even know they made those!

She can’t stand loud rock music and thinks my music taste is shite. Good thing we can agree on reggae music! For now...

She has this congenial inability to suffer fools. She has no time for my tautology delivered with the speed of an auctioneer repeated ad nauseum. She keeps it short and simple. I avoid asking for her opinion because she shoots straight from the hip. Catching feelings is for the birds, she says. And she never knows the I-will-talk-to-you-later like other women or have a ventriloquist voice like mine. She voices her opinion there and then and more often than not speaks out of turn. If we are together and we meet a friend on the street and I start lying she will be like,” er that’s not what you told me earlier”. Then I have to choke on humble pie as I try to wiggle out of the situations she has put me in.smh! This one time we and in Kangemi and I tell some vendor to put for me some nyanya kwa jwala. She leans real close and tells me- we don’t call then jwala here! And here I am thinking the word jwala is universal (how do you spell villagitis?)

Fuego has this habit of drinking juice all day which she affectionately calls “her drink”. She leaves the glasses all over the house after every “drink”. This also means she takes more bio breaks and uses up all the water in the house. I have the water guy’s number on speed dial for anytime she comes to stay over. Its bad enough she uses all the water to shower without finishing up all the water in the rest of the house.

While my brother and I take three square meals a day, she eats small portions throughout the day which of course means more dirty plates. If she doesn’t get her elevenses somebody is - gonna get a hurt real bad *Russell Peters voice*. She is also very particular how she cooks her food. While I boil the vegetables to death, she likes hers steamed and crunchy. She likes it to maintain colour and all the iron, vitamin K and I don’t-know-what . Me thinks fibre is good for digestion, who cares about the rest! You also don’t serve her food all willy nilly like they do for that dude in the movie XIII. Presentation is very important to her. You don’t just waltz from the kitchen and throw the food on the table kaka jakwath miyo dhok chiemo, you gotta have some grace to go with it. Her motto is that – if it don’t look good, it prolly doesn’t taste great either. The Ugali has to be on one side, mboga kando then nyama kando. She hates when her ugali gets all soggy like babies food. The fact that she is a nutritionist makes it even worse. She doesn’t approve of my brother and I eating ugali from Monday to Monday, she whips out words like “diversify your eating habits”. Me thinks ugali, mboga and nyama is diverse enough.

While she likes going out and having fun. I’d rather stay at home and watch movies. (This one time mama found her on top of a kipikipi ( motor bike for some of you) giving the boda boda guy a ride- WITHOUT A HELMET!!!!. How she learnt how to ride a motorbike is still a mystery. Mama almost had a heart attack when she saw the speed at which she was going. While I'm content with flirting with death once in a while, she actually seduces death) The only time I go out is if the party is at a friend’s house because if I get tired I just turn in the guest room. While fuegocassey is carefree, I’m very OCD about certain things. For example when she leaves cups all over the house after she has had her “drink”, I go into spasm of anger seeing them .

After many days of me chastising her I noticed she started being confused. After every drink she had problems trying to remember to keep the glass in the kitchen. I then realised how living with me and my OCD behaviour was beginning to be unbearable. She has for along time bore brunt of my angry outbursts. Her many attempt to encourage me and look at the positive side of life has been met with “mimi nakushow tuu reality”( Btw that’s the shite pessimists say to suck the life out of happy people) Just because your reality sucks, don’t mean you have to ruin it for others whose lives are awesome.

Instead of me taking caring care of her as a first born, the roles have been reversed and she is taking care of me. She has been paying bus fare, buying food, bringing me movies and even taking me out to eat. And all this time I’m bitching how my life sucks. (Like the song “because of you’ by Kelly Clarkson, I never thought of anyone else I only saw my pain. And being older I should have known better than to lean on her when she is so young)

I wasn’t even careful enough to protect her from stuff I was going through last year. She has now started worrying about things she shouldn’t even have to worry about at a young age. Instead of looking forward to her graduation, she is worried about how she will get a job; and preferably not end up like me. She thought I would end up doing something with my life and not a whingeing fool staying up all night and sleeping all day. Sprawled on the couch b*tching about how the government hasn't provided the youth with jobs. Like I expect Mr.Kibaki to knock on my door and hand me a job contract.smh!

When I noticed it; it cut me kabisa. I have ruined her innocence and zest for life. I now see how anxious she is and it’s all because I didn’t have the wisdom to do better.I now realise that I should have been stronger. I should have at least pretended to be coping well. Just because my life sucks don’t mean hers will too when she gets to be my age. We are too different people with different abilities. I have tried to make amends but it doesn’t really mean much because I don’t exactly walk the talk. I’m currently reading John Gray’s book Children are from heaven to learn how to be a good big sister. I would really recommend this because as it has some really good insights on parenting. The book says children learn from role models not by lectures. And yours truly has had to learn that the hard way.

They say don’t worry that kids don’t listen to you, worry that they watch you. If she has been watching me then ...Houston, we have a problem...Sigh! But thank God she has more sense; I bet she will do just fine. And from now on-wards, I will be stronger and I just hope it’s not too late.

This post reminds me of this song by Amy Winehouse about a lady dating a b*tch ass ninja who instead of taking care of her lady it was the other way round...enjoy!!! And whatever is going on in your life, try to be strong- if not for you then for your family and those who look up to you!