They F*** you up

I was walking in town when I came across a book in a shop with the above title and I knew I just had to take a peak inside never mind that it was raining cats and dogs and I was drenched to the skin. I thought it was all about the governement or aliens and all- as if. Then I opened the first page and I see this disturbing poem;

This be the verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy stern
And half at one another's throats

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

by Philip Larkin

And I imediately knew I had to get it- so i did.lol

The book authored by Dr.Oliver is about the nurture verses nature argument with the writer arguing for the belief that we are who we are because of how we were raised not genes. He believes that the early childhood is very cucial in determining how a child turns out especially the first 6years. He advices that people be careful about the people they leave their children with for the overall well being of the child. He stresses on the importance of getting it right for the first 6 years of a childs life. Unconditional love, praise and warmth and affection is what he says is the recipe for raising health children with high self esteem.

Dr. Oliver reckons that people prefer blaming everything on genes because it removes all blame from parents. The author is against belief that the poor are poor, the mad mad and the bad bad etc largely because of their genes. This is because if this is true then there is no point for the government to increase spending on education for the less fortunate in the society or talking therapies or enlightment regimes...you know seeing as we cant exactly change our genes.

He also answers the question why siblings are so different from each other, yes even twins despite the fact that they have the same parent, raised in the same house etc. The book states that siblings have different brain patterns because according to the author siblings do not have the same parents. Each parent treats each child so differently that they might as well have been raised in completely different families. So if you compare the treatment you got from your parents with those of your siblings you will notice the differences

There are very many factors that contribute to why parents treat each child differently or rather what makes their brain pattern different and it includes;

a)Parents are at different stages in their lives when the different children are born and very often so is the state of their marriage eg children from broken homes are at a greater risk of a litany of psychological problems

b) the birth order of the children

c) the gap between siblings

d) the size of the family eg large families of five or more siblings are more likely to be emotionally deprived.

e) Physical beauty(preferential treatment is given to the more attractive child by parents)

f) If the parents are educated or not

g) the care givers9apart fro the mother) who were around the child in the early stages

h) the sex of the child (eg some parents may have bee looking forward to a girl or boy and may express this infront of the child who was not the deired sex)

i) If there is a death of a parent(s)

Dr. Oliver gives lots of examples from not only his own family but from politicians, criminals, celerities, dictators, entertainers etc like Elton john, Michel jackson, margaret thatcher (and her daughter carol and son mark), prince charles (and his father Philip), Jeffrey archer, mark Chapman(who shot John lenon), Mia furrow( and the whole fiasco with Woody allen and Sooni Yu), Hitler, stalin, napoleaon, Amin, Gandhi, leo Tolstoy, Charles darwin, kenyatta, Hochi Min, John Hinkley etc. He even has documented some recordings of his interviews with the different personalities to show his point across. He also tackles the subject of Homosexuality, mental illness, Divorce, Inteligence, depression and of sexual devianys such as rapists.

He also says that anyone who claims to have had a perfect childhood can be certain that he/she is in denial and tales of an idyllic childhood is self deception. (In another book I'm also currently reading, one character tells a young lady that 'Any baggage you have ceases to be only yours  the minute that sperm hits that egg.' No one did not suffer some degree at their hands of their parents.And that parent do not band out cruelty evenly. Most usually focus on one child who is usually the recepient of the mother's negativity.

However be that as it may. Dr. Oliver states categorically that the book is not meant to bash parents. He meant it to encourage people to be better parents and not let their own histories affect them or recreate the same problems in their children. This is because those who forget their past are bound to repeat it. As one wise person said- you cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

I recommend this book to any one who has children or intends to have some pickneys in future. It is also great for psychology students to add some bit of knowledge on the nurture vs nature argument as the writer also quotes some of the theories and arguments that have been brought forth by other prominent psychologists.