No the one who drunk, doesn't drink!

I was blog whoring a few days ago when I came a cross a post by an irate young man. From what I gathered this young man used to be a man whore then decided to change his ways- which is commendable if you ask me. Now the trouble is that people around him don’t believe that he has really changed. They keep teasing him and giving him a time frame in which they expect him to go back to his old ways. Every time they see him with a woman they assume it’s another conquest which scares away the potential girlfriends. And from his angry post I’m pretty sure he has had enough.

Now I am not surprised at how people around him are treating him, I’m surprised at how in his mind he assumed he would just segue from a philandering ass to a good boy just like that and all would be forgiven. He thought there would be a long line of people waiting to pat him on the back or give him glucose or some shit like that for seeing the light.  Like we they going to forget all the lies, broken promises and trail of broken hearts he left in his wake.  All the abortions he paid for and the marriages he ruined. The illegitimate kids whose child support he absconds every month. Ati his guy friends were going to forget how he used to brag about how he could get any chiq he wanted.

If like me you have effed up big time in the past, you very well know that the consequences are invariably there. Some mistakes you can take back but most you can’t. I’m talking alcoholism, adultery, criminal activities etc. Do not blame the people around you for being suspicious of your intentions. It’s very hard to break some habits and even harder for people to believe one can change. For example when the police are looking for any criminal who is fresh out they always go to his old hiding place or look up his old mates. It’s just one of those things that make you understand how rare it is to find people change for the better. I remember in the TV series The Unit one man was asked if he believes people can change and he replied, “I don’t believe it but I've seen it. Meaning even after seeing people change right before his eye he still doesn't believe it.

The hard part is not even shedding off the bad boy image, its trying to convince the people around you- especially the ones you have hurt- that you have really changed. When you have a past it doesn't go away. The secret is to concentrate on living your life and letting your actions speak for you. Stop trying to win over your critics and stay on the straight and narrow. Live your life and forget the naysayers. Not everyone is going to be your cheer leader or excited about your new path. It may require you to lose some of your old friends who are all up in your ear telling you what to do.

The ones you have hurt may forgive you but not necessarily forget. Your past mistake could be that elephant in the room which some may use as a weapon when they want to hurt you. Proving yourself especially after you have broken some promises in the past is both tiring and pointless. You can talk till your blue in the face but it still won’t mean shit.  If you have watched the movie Transit you can see how a mistake a father did in the past almost cost him his family. The character gets involved into a mistaken identity scenario and when he tries to explain his wife doesn't believe him and it almost gets them all killed.

Be ready for there are some who will throw it in your face that you messed up. Don’t let it deter you or make you get off the wagon. Now go forth and do good and for crying out loud stop trying to explain yourself!

Interesting columnists

Below are some of the columnist I read regularly. Please check them out when you find the time- and no they didn’t pay me to advertise:

1. JACKSON BIKO – MAN TALK

I love his column because he is entertaining and I get to see things from the male perspective. And this ninja has a way with words! He can be talking about something like weaves and still managed to make you laugh.

2. AKINYEMI WALE – CHANGE TALKS

This writer is very motivating and his column is best suited for those who are looking to improve themselves. He is not one of those irritating feel-good writers but he gives practical advice that would actually help when applies in one’s life. His column is on the Friday DN.

3. CHRISTOPHER HART – MEN AND WOMEN

This columnist gives very sound advice on relationship that can prove very useful for the young and old alike. I have watched a couple of his interviews on telly and he looks like a guy who has a good head on his shoulder. I believe you can take his word on most issues. I especially enjoyed last weeks topics on why you should avoid dating married men.

4. KATE GETAO- FLAKES

I have been reading her column since forever. She is just too funny. She sounds like a well travelled and well read women. If I ever get to become a columnist I would love to write just like her. I also like the fact that she has a deep knowledge of the bible and occasionally throws in some bible truths in her articles in a way that is not offensive to the non-believers. If you find the time read her last weeks column on ‘The new tourism’. Too funny!

5. MUNGAI KAHINYA- WORLD OF FIGURE

I never liked maths during my days in school but Mr.Mungai has a way of making mathematics fun. I remember his articles on calculations about the Phone billing methods and the payment of PAYE and I was blown away. I especially enjoyed his column yesterday about the words ‘most’ and ‘majority’. This is because I had the same argument with my students a few days ago about the meaning of the word ‘many’.

6. SUNNY BINDRA- SUNNY DAY

I wish I could find the right words to express just how much I enjoy Mr. Bindra’s articles. He is so passionate about Kenya. Just like his name he brings sunshine into my Sunday evenings. He is so optimistic and has so much hope and dreams that I wish he could put it in a bottle and sell it. I follow him on twitter and his tweets are always about growth and getting things done the right way. I have taken some of his advice and I can testify they have proven quite valuable to me. I also like the fact that he provides links to his articles via his twitter handle so you have no excuse for not reading his column.

7. PHILIP OCHIENG – MARK MY WORD

I love his mastery of many languages and how he can compare the use of different words in German, French, English and even in his native dholuo. He has inspired me to read more and learn about other languages apart from the ones I already know. I’m sure if he read this post he would cringe at some of the mistakes I have made. He even corrects some of the articles that some of our journalists write in away that you can’t even get offended. A few days ago I got the chance to hang out with some friends and somehow the topic came to him and I was happy to find people who read his column.

8. LITERARY DISCOURSE, FACE-TO-FACE, BOOK REVIEWS

These columns are found in the Saturday nation whereby they interview writers and do reviews on books, magazines and other kinds of literature. They feature articles from various writers such as Prof Egara Kabaji, Evan Mwangi and Julius Sigei. In this column they also features the feedback from the readers giving their reactions to previous articles which I think is cool! They have also featured famous writers such as David Mulwa, Prof Austin Bukenya, Mwangi Gicheru, John Kiriamiti, Ayi kweyi Ahmah, Taban Lo Liyon, Nuruddin Farah and Wole Soyinka among others. If you are an avid reader you will want to read this column religiously- I know I do.

9. CLAY MUGANDA- CLAY COURT

One thing I admire about this writer is his guts. He speaks his mind and woe unto you if you are easily offended. He tells it as it is and he is brutally honest. He says those things most people feel but dare not say. Some of his articles make me uncomfortable because they say what I don’t want to hear but I need to hear. I have to warn you that he is an acquired taste and if you are sensitive some of his articles might offend you. There have been quite a number of critics who have written very unsavory things about this writer in various blogs but he still soldiers on.

I guess now everyone knows which newspaper I subscribe to!

What rape does to a woman

So many theories have been put forth to explain why some men rape women. From their trying to impress his friends by losing his virginity, he wants to avenge himself against a woman who spurned him or they fear and disrespect women and have this urge to control and dominate them through rape. No matter the sick reason for wanting to hurt a woman this way the fact is that rape is very traumatizing to the survivor.

Maybe if men understood what rape does to women then maybe they would stop when a woman says no. As I told you in a previous post I have never been raped but I have had a friend try to grab me. It really affected me to date I don’t trust men around me. I’m always very wary when I am around them. One friend even noticed how jumpy I am around him and felt bad and told me “Vicky okan bim”. Loosely translated am not an animal (Baboon to be specific). But his assurance doesn’t mean jack especially since statistics show that 85% of rapists are people the woman knows. For a long time I was even scared of smiling at strange men in the streets, wearing trousers or fitting clothes so that I didn’t appear like ”I was asking for it”. Like my friend who made the comment that certain deserve to be raped. Our friendship hasn’t been the same since. I’m very alert around him and I only hung around him when other people around.

If my near-rape-experience scared me like this imagine what it does to those who actually get raped. These women become emotionally scarred and associate men with pain. It is a life-altering event and the survivor suffers a wide range of emotions from shock, disbelief, dismay, insomnia, tension, anxiety, irritable, shame etc.  Rape survivors suffer post-traumatic stress disorder that includes anxiety, memory loss, and obsessive thoughts. They are afraid of going out in public and are anxious about dating. Some women have trouble eating, sleeping and concentrating on their work. Some relieve the rape all over again through nightmares and flash backs. Rape survivors feel shame, dirty, soiled and forever different.

Some women express anger and hostility not only towards the assailant but to other people even those who want to help. They become irritable and blow up at the slightest provocation, sometimes even without provocation. There are even some who become abusers themselves when they grow up. Some victims seek to gain back control by trying to administer justice on their own by hurting the rapists which is not advisable as it may land you in jail. If you seek revenge it may back fire and you find yourself in the same situation again especially if you are not strong physically.

There are even some who still blame themselves for what happened, like it was their fault. If only they would have done this or that differently then it wouldn’t have happened. Some women even end up committing suicide because they just can’t cope with the pain and abuse. Just because the doctor claims “their injuries where minor” it don’t mean that they are over it, far from it!

When a woman gets raped, she feels powerless. You do not even have a say or able to negotiate safe sex or birth control when you are being raped. Some women even get pregnant, STI’s or worse HIV virus as a result of rape and have to live with it for the rest of her life like the character played by Charlize Theron in the Class Action and the character played by Anika Noni Rose in For Colored Girls. Imagine having to deal with all these on top of the trauma that they went through during the rape and the feelings after. Everything is done on the terms of the rapists. It’s all about the rapist and they do not really care about your feelings. It is being done to you. You feel like you are nothing and you do not know what to do. She is no longer the confident woman she used to be. They feel like they have no control over their own person and the rapist proved it. The worse part knows that you will no longer be the same a gain. If your family and friends know they also feel helpless because they cannot help you. They wish they could “fix” you and get back to how you used to be. They want to but there is no way they can take back what happened no matter how hard they try. It will always be this dirty secret that cannot be discussed.

After rape the woman lives in perpetual fear. The fear may weave through all other aspects of their life. Like the world is no longer safe. Like they have no place to craw back to or hide in. If it happened in their homes or office they either quit or move because they fear the perpetrator will come back. When they walk in the streets they keep looking over their shoulders to make sure the attacker isn’t coming again. A woman begins to approach strangers, friends and acquaintances with new caution. In some countries women don’t report their rape ordeal for fear of being treated differently and shame.

Rape is not fun, it is the most brutal and terrorizing act any man can perform on, to, inside a woman. It hurts the woman to the core of her being. Some women end up with injuries ranging from wounds and tearing in their private parts. Younger girls even lose bladder control as they become damaged during the rape ordeal. There are rapists that beat the women or use weapons to subdue them.

It is especially worse for those who report they have been raped. They have to work with men eg doctors, police who will see what have been done to you. They have to ask you inappropriate questions on top of examining and poking around your private parts. Is like having someone remove a band aid and start poking around your wound. Some people will blame you for having not be vigilant enough to prevent it. This can make a woman to start feeling guilty and the rape was her fault (which of course is not true). You will have to go to court and prove that you were raped. It is ever more traumatizing when the attacker is not automatically jailed and walks free. It is painful when the victim feels unbelieved by family and friends they care about. Some, especially lovers may treat you differently, like you have been damaged or spoiled somehow.

Do not be that guy. Do not be the person who hurts women like this. Even if the woman is not killed by the rapist, something inside her dies. Some women never don’t bounce back. Rape is one of the worst forms of violence that can be done to a person. Treat women like you would your sister, mother or the females you care about.