Bae needs to have some chill in this streets!

This old man was telling me that the trouble with relationships is that when a man approaches a woman he wants to get to know her before he decides if he'll commit to her. Women on the other hand want a confirmation that they will last forever before she gives her self fully to the man. Which is kinda impossible considering some things(like relationships) take time before they actually become meaningful. This forces the man sometimes to make false promises to get a chance to be with her. You really dont want to lie but at the same time you dont want to lose the chance to be with her. Its a catch 22 situation. You do you are damned, you dont you are still damned. (Kweli guys have it hard!)

Some are actually genuine when they make promises of love but down the line they realize the woman they are with is not who they thought they were and things change ergo they want out. Hence the many broken hearts and bitterness by both parties when the relationship goes sour.

Women don't want to hear 'Lets hang out and see how it goes' when they ask you "Where is this relationship going?" They want to be sure before they give themselves 100%. They put so much pressure on the man to define their relationship with of course disastrous effects. We like to label relationships all day. We want to know where we stand with anyone not just with members of the opposite sex. We don't just "chill" for chill's sake. Every thing has to have a meaning. Even people who have the FWB arrangements can testify that sooner or later the lady begins to feel some type of way about the man. Now she may even doing the most in his life hoping that he will see how awesome she is and wife her. Cooking, cleaning and generally indulging his every whim. She may even start acting all jealous when they see their FWB buddy talking with other ladies. At this point you know baby girl has caught feelings and she secretly wanna be exclusive!

I think women will be much safer if they followed this poet's advice before committing themselves to any relationship. It summarizes everything about how to progress in a romantic relationship. I have loved it since high school.

I beg you by Laban Erapu

If you feel something like love for me,
Not to let me know it now
When I feel nothing so certain for you.
Wait until you’ve conquered my pride
By pretending not to care for me.

I beg you,
If you think your eyes will give you away,
Not to give me that longing look
When you know it will force the moment
Wait until our heatbeats have settled
Then put your head on my shoulder.

I beg you,
Not to let us surrender to passion
Until our liking has grown to love
Let’s stop and look back
Let’s draw apart and sigh,
Let’s stand back to back,
Let’s say goodbye for the day
And walk our different ways
Without pausing to wait
For an echo to our last word.

I beg you
If you find yourself interlocked
In my embrace,
To kiss me and keep me silent
Before I start making promises
That time may choose to by-pass -
Wait until our hands are free,
Then listen to me;
Wait until our love is primed
Then give me your hand.’

Below is an interesting song by Papa Roach. The lyrics speaking on more or less what I'm tryna say. Sometimes baby boy may blurt out "I love you" without even meaning to and then its down hill from there! Any who have a listen...

Book review : About a boy by Nick Hornby

A while back I was walking in Nakuru town when I saw this book being sold by a hawker. I must admit that what attracted me to the book at first was Hugh Grants face on the cover. For a moment there I thought it was his biography or something. I was pleasantly surprised when I realized it was a book by writer Nick Hornby. His book 'How to be good was reviewed here. So I knew I had to get it.
 
As soon as I read the first few pages I was hooked. The story revolves around Will Freeman who is 36 unmarried play boy who lives a carefree lifestyle. He gets money off the royalties from a song a father had written years ago and doesn't have to work. He decides to join a Single Parents group for single mothers talking about an imaginary son (Ned) to pick up women until he meets young 12yr old nerdy boy named Marcus Brewer.

Will who considers himself a trendy person begins to help Marcus fit in with boys his age. He buys for him Addidas trainers, tells him to stop getting a hair cut from his mum and introduces him to music such as the band Nirvana. While Will acts like a teenager, Marcus is intelligent and acts more mature than a boy his age. Marcus discovers that Will does not have a son and things start becoming interesting at this point.

You gonna have to buy the book to see how it ends!

PS It turns out the book was adapted into a movie with Hugh Grant playing the part of Will (explains his picture on the cover) so if you are a not a fan of novels maybe you can get your hands on the movie.

No the one who drunk, doesn't drink!

I was blog whoring a few days ago when I came a cross a post by an irate young man. From what I gathered this young man used to be a man whore then decided to change his ways- which is commendable if you ask me. Now the trouble is that people around him don’t believe that he has really changed. They keep teasing him and giving him a time frame in which they expect him to go back to his old ways. Every time they see him with a woman they assume it’s another conquest which scares away the potential girlfriends. And from his angry post I’m pretty sure he has had enough.

Now I am not surprised at how people around him are treating him, I’m surprised at how in his mind he assumed he would just segue from a philandering ass to a good boy just like that and all would be forgiven. He thought there would be a long line of people waiting to pat him on the back or give him glucose or some shit like that for seeing the light.  Like we they going to forget all the lies, broken promises and trail of broken hearts he left in his wake.  All the abortions he paid for and the marriages he ruined. The illegitimate kids whose child support he absconds every month. Ati his guy friends were going to forget how he used to brag about how he could get any chiq he wanted.

If like me you have effed up big time in the past, you very well know that the consequences are invariably there. Some mistakes you can take back but most you can’t. I’m talking alcoholism, adultery, criminal activities etc. Do not blame the people around you for being suspicious of your intentions. It’s very hard to break some habits and even harder for people to believe one can change. For example when the police are looking for any criminal who is fresh out they always go to his old hiding place or look up his old mates. It’s just one of those things that make you understand how rare it is to find people change for the better. I remember in the TV series The Unit one man was asked if he believes people can change and he replied, “I don’t believe it but I've seen it. Meaning even after seeing people change right before his eye he still doesn't believe it.

The hard part is not even shedding off the bad boy image, its trying to convince the people around you- especially the ones you have hurt- that you have really changed. When you have a past it doesn't go away. The secret is to concentrate on living your life and letting your actions speak for you. Stop trying to win over your critics and stay on the straight and narrow. Live your life and forget the naysayers. Not everyone is going to be your cheer leader or excited about your new path. It may require you to lose some of your old friends who are all up in your ear telling you what to do.

The ones you have hurt may forgive you but not necessarily forget. Your past mistake could be that elephant in the room which some may use as a weapon when they want to hurt you. Proving yourself especially after you have broken some promises in the past is both tiring and pointless. You can talk till your blue in the face but it still won’t mean shit.  If you have watched the movie Transit you can see how a mistake a father did in the past almost cost him his family. The character gets involved into a mistaken identity scenario and when he tries to explain his wife doesn't believe him and it almost gets them all killed.

Be ready for there are some who will throw it in your face that you messed up. Don’t let it deter you or make you get off the wagon. Now go forth and do good and for crying out loud stop trying to explain yourself!

Books on relationships

There is nothing more annoying than meeting a lady who has gone through enough men to make up not one, but two rugby team but still hasn't learnt a thing about men. I think if you are a lady above 24 or cleared college you should have figured out men enough to be able to weed out the douche bags and save your little heart some pain. If you are past your mid twenties and you still have men playing with your heart then please slap yourself so that I don't have to.

It's even more tragic when a lady is a single mother and has shite taste in men. She has had men lying and laying on her and now she got them lying to your kids too. It drives me bats to see kids paying for their besotted mothers' mistakes. Like in that movie- whose names escape me now- where a character said that its sad how we need a license to drive, fish but not to be parents. Mothers literally get away with murder sometimes. And am not talking about the physically death. Its when the kids grow up the cycle of dysfunctional relationships begins all over again.

Now in the spirit of beginning a new year on a clean slate by beginning to change our lives for better I have put up a few books to give women a few pointers on how to invest in healthy relationships. I'll admit like ayla have never cared much for self-help books because I do not like to be told what to do... you know... seeing as there is my way and the wrong way. But these books really are eye opening. I have read the first two and glazed over the last two. They share quite a number of themes, most of which should be common sense but it doesn't hurt to be reminded once in a while.

(NB- Please read the books with a grain of salt and use your wisdom to take only that which will help you. The authors are from a different geographical zone from us Kenyans, different cultures, beliefs etc. Some of the advice may go against what some of you believe. e.g sex before marriage, how to dress attractively(sexy means different things to different people. etc)

 I read this book this week and it left me in stitches. The author is really funny and doesn't come off as being too preachy. I promise you wont be disappointed. Even if you think you do not need relationship advice just read it for entertainment.

I read this book back in college and it saved me a lot of drama. It gives advice and examples of mistakes that women make and questions that females ask. It is also entertaining to boot!

 This book shows people how men and women are wired differently with different emotional needs. It teaches the different sexes how to relate to one another and have healthy relationships.

Hope you have watched the movie with the same title- if only to stare at the lovely Michael Ealy.lol

These men are too fine!

I swear this men came perfect straight from the Lord's factory floor. It should be illegal to be this handsome...
oh! if only polyandry were legal! I would take them all to my mama.lol

Denzel Washington
I've watched all his movies from John Q, training Day, Unstoppable, The book of Eli, Preacher's wife, De Javu to Safe House... and I still think he rocks after all these years!



Idris Elba
First saw him in the Tv series Luther, then later in Obsession, Takers, Daddy's little girls (I can remember that scene where they were playing Sam Cooke's song Change is gonna come- I cried buckets) Thor,  Ghost Rider

Mehcad Brooks
I first saw him in Desperate housewives, then Trueblood, Alcatraz, Necessary Roughness etc It's all in his voice people, he gives me goose bumps y'all!

Mehcad Brooks

Aldis Hodge
I first saw him in the Tv series Leverage, then Friday night Lights and guest appearances in CSI and Castle series and loved him even more. Isn't he just so fine....
 

Aldis Hodge

Blair Underwood
I first saw him in Set it off and he set my heart on fire. Then there are others like Madea's family reunion, Dirty Sexy Money, City of Angels, sex and the city, The event.etc Also in that music video- whose name escapes me now- by joe Thomas. Like fine wine he gets better with time...

 
Hounsou Djimon
The movie that I can think of is Blood Diamonds, Amistad, ER, Soul Food, Beauty Shop, Alias.etc
This boy is fiiinnnneee!

Rockmond Dunbar
You saw him in Prison break, Terriers, Soul food, Girlfriends, CSI:Miami and boy did he kick ass!!!

D.B. Woodside
Single Ladies, CSI, Castle, Lie to me, Hawthorne, 24, greys Anatomy, Lie to me among others. It doesn't hurt that he is easy on the eye too *wink*

Andre3000
He inspired this blog. Need I say more?

Laz Alonso
I saw him in Breakout kings and I fell in like. Then there was also Fast Furious, Jumping the broom, Just Wright, Avatar, Without a trace etc He has the most beautiful hands I have ever seen. He can lay hands on me anytime *am not talking about prayers here*

Taye Diggs 
Did you watch Kevin Hill and  Day break?, Did you watch Brown Sugar, How Stella got her groove back, Best man, Chicago? Then you know why I think he rocks!

Adewale Akinnuoye
Remember the Tv series Lost, Lip service and Oz, and the movies Unstoppable and Thor. Well Adewale definitely gave a memorable performance. Isn't he fine too?

and you all know how i feel about men in suits.lol!

Anthony Mackie
I saw him in The Adjustment Bureau, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Man on a ledge and I fell in like. That ka gap kwa meno...wolololo...

LL cool J
I could tell you why i like him so much, but I'd rather show you...

 
Mahershala Ali
He has a very long name which is derived from the bible but mostly he goes by Mahershala Ali. I saw him in the Tv series 4400 acting like a doting father and me likey very much! Also Alcatraz, Lie to me, Law and Order, Crossing Jordan and featured in one of the episodes in CSI too,

Nelly
I never cared much for packs..that is until I met rapper Nelly. Even after all these years he has not let himself go. Just feast your eyes on this eye candy

Orlando Jones
I first saw him in the movie Double Take and he done warmed the cockles of my heart. It's been long since I last saw his works.

Boris Kodjoe
If you do not love this guy please kill yourself coz this dude rocks! Plus he is fine to boot! Remember the tv series Soul Food, Undercovers, The confidant, Surrogates

Shemar Moore
Remember Diary of a mad black woman. The Tv series Criminal Minds?

James Lesure
Remember For Your Love and Men at Work?

Hill Harper
He rocked in CSI; New York, For Colored Girls,

Common
I love the way he raps, acts (the movie- Just Wright) and looks especially how he shaves all his hair. He is one of the best dressed rappers I know. A little birdie told me he has written a book with his mama aawww!!!!. Yes, I love everything about this fine man. see...

Michael Ealy
Remember For Colored Girls, Common Law, The Good Wife, Takers, Think like a man. But it was when he featured in the music video Halo by Beyonce that made me love him more. I dunno if it was the lighting or what but his blue eyes were so beautiful I almost cried. And I swear I saw his halo when I blinked.lol. But I have to admit the TV series Sleeper Cell kind of scared me because of the running theme in the whole series. As usual Michael did it justice.

Boy can this man wear a suit!

how to get laid

The time is 1800hrs and I'm in this Ninja's house hungry as fudge. He goes into the kitchen and takes forever only to come back with a cup of strong tea (strungi for some of you) and three slices of bread. And because I have a big heart like a watermelon, I keep quiet. Like the good guest that I am I do not even mention the fact that the bread has no siagi and the tea no sugar- and it tasted like ass too.

Now what made my hackles rise is when baby boy had the cojones to ask for booty. Now pray, how do you expect some serious "senior relations" on a near empty stomack yawa. This is where lads are getting it wrong nowadays. There is a reason why our fathers used to buy women dinner. Ok, it was out of the goodness of their hearts but also for the women to get some strength for the work out they were gonna get later. So when you put your paws on some poor lass and she is as hungry as fudge then ninja am afraid its gonna have to be you and your hand alone tonight.

But that's a story for another day. I want to talk about a scenario where baby girl has taken you back to her place for some action but for some reason has grown cold feet- and is generally being a royal pain in your gluteus maximus. Maybe she don't trust you. Maybe the alcohol has worn off or she thinks you won't respect her in the morning (of course you won't but she don't need to know that) She wants the company but not the 'magic wand', like you are some kind of stuffed animal or something. Sweet heart does'nt know that you come with the whole package- All or nothing baby!

So you are semi naked and just about to whip out the schlong but she isnt being a very good host. If anything she has a vice like grip on your hands and her acrylic nails are digging into your flesh. And you think to youself, I need to get some tetanus shots first thing tomorrow morning.

Now when this happens don't sit down there wistfully, thinking of how many ways you could beat the lumps out of her. This is what you do. Get up and get dressed. Wear everything mpaka socks. Don't ask me why dufus just do it. Ok I could tell you the reason why, but i have already said too much and broken a couple of the the chiqs-before-sticks rules. Have I ever lied to you? Wait, dont answer that question!

Ask for an extra duvet for sleeping in kwa sitting room. Try not to mean mug her and maintain your cool. Whatever you do, don't lose use your sangfroid. You will need the stoicism of a pack mule to ignore your blue balls. Proceed to the living room and ensconce yourself on the couch with the duvet. If she asks why-  just tell her some horse manure like, 'you respect her', 'you wouldnt want her to do what she doesnt want to', you..blah, blah, blah... yuck yuck yuck ... yadda yadda yadd. Your smart, think of something mushy to say.

A few hours in the cold bed will definitely bring her back to her senses. Now she will come to fetch you with a change of heart. If this happens, dont just pounce on her and deliver the goods. Pretend to resist kidogo and ask her if she is really sure. If the answer is affirmative, then go through the boring few minutes of foreplay that you hate so much. Just before you whip out the joys stick, ask her again if she is sure, just to show what a gentleman you are. If its an enthusiastic yes then BAM, give it to her right. You are welcome, now go forth and suffer blue balls no more!

NB- If it doesnt work, try it thrice. If it still doesnt work then you'll know she loves you like a brother.mmmuhahahaha...

I swear i'm gonna burn in the hottest part of hell for this after Armageddon.

I love me some Cee-Lo Green

Now the first time I heard about Ceelo Green (real name Thomas Decarlo Callaway) was when he featured in the B.E.P song like that. And true to its name I really liked that.lol. The next time was when he sang crazy with his Dj friend Danger Mouse (real name Brian Joseph Burton) and I immediately fell in like. The song received a lot of airplay especially in Kenya which is cool considering how unique and different it was (still is). Then I heard  the song F*ck you (edited to Forget You for radio airplay) and I became a true loyal fan. Ceelo Greene completes me! A little birdie told me the song was to be initially done by Bruno Mars but it somehow ended in his hands ... and boy did he do it justice.

And any guy who can pull off pink is fine by me.  

Ladies doesn't he look pretty in pink???

Then he done did a concert and featured an all female band and the feminist in me leapt in joy and I fell in love all over again. This man rocks! They dont make them like this anymore. This ninja sings like he means it. In this video he even tells the audience F U and everyine is screaming their lungs out in joy. Like when James brown used to make even non-African Americans(can I say that?) scream," I'm black and proud". But dont just take my word for it, have a listen to the song below. Your welcome!

Is he wearing a skirt?

Having a baby should be the happiest moment in any mother’s life. Unfortunately this is not always the case for all births. Sometimes due to some genetical anomaly or negligent medical care you end up with a child with special needs. This of course means that as a parent you will have to make changes in your life to accommodate their special needs. This will not only affect the child and mother but the rest of the family as well in more ways than one. In some cases the family will have to go through counseling in order to cope. It is especially hard on the family when other people around them are not as supportive as they need them to be. You have some people even accuse the parents of doing something wrong to deserve a special child. I have been watching the TV series Touch and there is this part where the character (played by actor Kiefer Sutherland, you will remember him from 24) is out with his special child and someone tells him that he should put his child in a cage because he doesn’t behave like other normal children do and they end up fighting.

You also have to be more patient as these special children won’t be able to meet all the developmental milestone on time with some needing assistance for the rest of their lives. There is nothing as painful as having a child who won’t look you in the eye when you are speaking with them or say “I love you” back. They do not even have social skills and cannot relate to other people as normal people do. But the best thing parents can do is just take it one day at a time and slowly learn how to cope. I must also appreciate teachers who handle the kids with special needs for the work they do. I have taught able bodied kids and gotten really frustrated so I don’t want to imagine what these special teachers go through. I remember one teacher telling me how in her class a student one day just stood up and walked to the front of the class and went for number two then went back to her seat like nothing just happened. It was her first time and she almost gave up. But with counseling and patience she has learnt to cope.

Before I learnt about my kid sister’s special needs I used to be very ignorant of just how hard it is for these people to live their lives. The things I take for granted like getting dressed up in the morning take some of them ages to do. The society we lived in previously never had systems in place to take care of people with special needs. I remembered one time when my sister almost got expelled from one of the Kenyan schools because they just didn’t know how to cope with her special needs.

For years people with special needs in the past were not cared for as there were considered a bad omen. Some are placed on the streets to beg and work jobs which no one else will do for low pay. Many parents even used to hide their special children in the house due to shame and fear of judgement. I once went to this woman’s house and the child was too pale as she had never been let out to get some sun which is very essential for to bones. By taking these kids to school and joining support groups you get to learn so much about the condition. This helps you to cope better with the condition and get support from other parents with special children. The child will also get to learn skills such as playing with other children and feeding themselves.

One woman in our hood confessed to me how when she finally agreed to take her special daughter to school she was impressed at how much she improved. I also learn that the teenage girls with special needs usually get injections to stop menstruation and contraceptives. Although I saw a feature on Citizen TV and it turns out some doctors have taken the liberty of giving ladies with special needs Tubal ligation surgeries without their consent. I’m not really sure how parents with daughters who have special needs can approach this subject of contraception. You can’t really ask the children because some of them do not know the gravity of the responsibility that comes with being sexually active. Sometimes as a parent you cannot really protect them 100% especially since there are so many “predators” out there with some of them living among us.  There’s this one lady I used to know who had a mentally challenged child who got pregnant and could not express herself. Up to now nobody knows who could have done such a thing. In my village there used to be this mentally challenged woman who used to get pregnant every year. This is a new for low, raping a handicapped woman (or any other woman for that matter) is just wrong. Now I don’t know how parents are supposed to approach this because these special children are very vulnerable to abuse as they cant talk or defend themselves. I don’t blame the parents for trying to protect them, maybe the relevant authorities can tell us when being a caring parent crosses the line to abusing of rights.

Right now I’m happy that this is slowly changing as whenever I go to offices in town I meet at least one or two people with special needs. Some buildings in town including the city council toilets have amenities that are user friendly especially for people with special needs. When I apply for jobs I see some recruiters calling on people with disabilities to apply too. On K24 a few days they had a feature on a hospital in some town in Kenya where the entire staff learned sign language to communicate with patients who are deaf. It really touched me that they took time to do it. In future I hope I will manage to get time to learn sign language too.

Celebrities in Kenya have also taken up to speaking out and supporting awareness causes that cater for these special people. You all remember daddy Owen’s Mbona song and Nonini’s video encouraging people to respect people with Albinism. Daddy Owen even went to the extent of talking about the problem he has had with his eyes which I think was very brave. Talk about talking the talk and walking the walk!

I had a talk with fuegocassey and she was telling me how there is a condition whereby people with epilepsy are sensitive to flashing lights, rapidly moving pictures etc as it triggers seizures. She was concerned that many institutions don’t know this and you find some lecturers giving presentations using projectors showing rapidly moving pictures. I have never heard of such a condition and I thought she was yanking my chain until I read an issue on the same in the Saturday magazine where a young man wrote to ask for information on this condition.

He narrated how it affected his life as he cant do simple things such as; go to the movies or watch any fast and furious clips on telly or online, going to the club with his boys is out of question because of the flickering lights, he cant drive especially at night and he has to go every where with his mother. His parents are too afraid to let him move out. The strange thing is that there are programs with flashing lights on our local tv stations and I’ve never seen them warn about the effect on those who are epileptic like the video below does and many other digital TV providers. Some stations even play this song and omit the disclaimer. I just worry how many epileptic people get seizures in Kenya every time they watch it and no one cares.

I leave you with this video. But pray, tell is Kanye wearing a leather kilt (skirt is such a bad word)

 Is he also wearing a kilt? Can someone please tell me whats going on here! Ok when did this become a fashion statement??? ghai!

...and oliech too....nooooooo....

whats going on here???? gawd!

Father Frank by Paul Burke

The book begins with the protagonist Francis Dempsey who doesn’t believe in God and spends most of the time in church during mass just day dreaming. His father who is a devout catholic nudges him to listen to the whole church service. He doesn’t understand how the tiny round wafer is possibly the body of Christ and the bottle of Mosaic Cyprus Sherry his blood. And if it were why people would want to drink it? He finds the term “good Friday” a misnomer especially since they ban all forms of pleasure during Easter. He looks at the picture of Christ and wonders how we know he looks like that yet none of the gospels contain a reference of exactly what he looked like. He reckons the praises that are heaped on Jesus sound like groveling and sycophancy. 

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He finds kneeling beside a wardrobe telling a strange man your innermost secrets strange. He has problems with wrapping his head around the notion of papal infallibility. Anyone who is curious about the catholic church will find this book useful and informative. Having gone to a catholic high school myself I was able to understand some of the things we did in church back then. He questions everything about the church but doesn’t dare saying it openly, if anything he feels guilty for entertaining such thoughts. He there is a higher power but admits he has trouble believing some things he is taught in church. He argues that the Catholic Church should have stuck to using Latin in during mass as it made it more spiritual; it put the ‘Roman’ back into Roman catholic. He thinks that the Catholic Church started declining when they started doing mass in English and because some meaning got lost in translation some of the things started to sound meaningless to the faithful..

He failed in high school and gets a D, E and O in that order in the 3 subjects that he did. He finds this funny especially since DEO means “God” in Latin and he doesn’t believe in him. After high school he works as a Dj and enjoys it immensely although it is not seen as a real job in his family. He knows sooner or later he has to get a “real job”. As the plot develops, through a series of very interesting events he gets a chance to go study theology in Oxford University. His date with Mandy Wheeler, the–most-beautiful-girl-in-north-west-London, is disastrous and he decides that if he can’t find Mandy attractive then he might as well become a priest. Those who know him well like his sister are skeptical whether he will able to survive priesthood, especially the part about celibacy!

Contrary to the people’s opinion, Francis leaves behind his over-active sex life, he finds fulfillment as a priest helping people despite the fact that he still doesn’t believe in God. He goes by the title “Father Frank” which is the title of the book. He genuinely loves people and enjoys helping around in the parish. The congregation too loves him and he manages to rally the community together and give the whole neighbor hood a pleasant change.

The whole book is funny following his antics in the London parish, which reminds me of Whoopie Goldberg’s character in SISTER ACT. He drives a taxi, which one parishioner left for him in his will, to raise money for his parish. He tries to open a packet of Kit Kat without making any sound while listening to people’s confessions. He uses thick knitting needless to play the drums using old boxes in his office. The thoughts that go through his head when talking to his parishioners are hilarious. He manages to get away with not believing in God and no one finds this out until much later in the book.

His love of music develops into a habit of going to peoples houses and collecting records under the guise of wanting to sell them to raise money for the church. His taste in music is eclectic as seen by his collection of a wide array of records from rock n roll, Motown, funk, punk and rap. The writer mentions famous singers like the beetles, Marvin gaye,Elvis presely, Isley brothers, Dusty springfield, Donny Hathaway, Sinatra, Simply red, Jim reeves, Michael Bolton, Light house family and James brown. There others that I’m not au fait with like, Brenda Shine, Billy paul, William De Vaughans, Clarence carter, Sandy Nelson, The surfaris, Tom Jones, the valentine brothers, Human league, Rod stewart and the faces, Cozy powell, Levi Stubb, Roy Orbinson, The drifters, Leo sayer, Charllie Rich, led Zeppelin, Genesis, Harry Belafonte, Dean Martin, The Pogues, Gilbert O’Sullivan, Kevin Johnson, Brian Protheroe, Meltorme, The Omens, Faron Young, Ella Fitzgerald, Engelbert Humperdick and Sam and dave. Father frank reckons ‘ A quick examination of musical taste was an almost fool proof guide to somebody’s character’. This is the second book that I have read this year to make the same observation (I wonder what my taste in music says about me?)

As a Dj he knew how to bring the people together and have fun. He also knew how to sense people’s moods which helped him in church too to deliver the appropriate sermon. This makes him a darling to all the parishioners that he serves. Everything is going well until he  lovely Sarah Marshall steps into his black taxi a Suzuki X7 then his life starts to turn upside down. His inner and outer turmoil begins which forces him to make another life altering decision. This book is hilarious and any one should read it, no matter their religious persuasion.

p.s. Don’t worry it has a very happy ending.

What do Catholic priests have over Baptist pastors or Anglican vicars that make them so popular with writers of fiction? In a word: celibacy.

-Greg spearritt-

Nyumba yangu ya mtoto si ya kukodisha!

Imagine my pleasant surprise to discover the Swahili word for uterus is ‘nyumba ya mtoto’ which directly translated in English means ‘the baby’s house’. How cool is that y’all? If I was a language expert I would have gone for ‘pango la mtoto’ but then again that’s why am not. I have always wanted to do a post in Swahili but I can’t. I don’t know Kiswahili. Wipe that. My Swahili is challenged. No, not because I am a Barbie. It’s because I first think in dholuo then say it Swahili. Right now I have problems pronouncing asante, is it pronounced asanty or asantee?

Those who know dholuo will tell you that there are some words whose meanings get lost in translation when I say what I’m thinking in Swahili. The woman who sells me mboga keeps correcting my Swahili that I have now become self conscious when talking to her. For example I told her “nitolee mguu ya mboga” when I wanted her to cut off the stem of the kales so that they could fit into my purse (yes boys I carry them in my purse). Now the luo word for stem is ‘tiend alot’. Now the word taken literary means ‘the legs of the kales’ ergo my many problems.

I have even tried to write a poem in dholuo and it was an epic fail. I’ve always admired how Okot P’Bitek did Lak tar ‘White teeth’ in Acholi. (Reminds me of the book white teeth that I reviewed last week, I wonder who copied who.lol) When I listen to people speak Acholi, it sounds like bad dholuo. I bet that’s how they feel about us when we speak. But I haven’t given up yet. I really wish I knew Portuguese so that I could read Paulo Coehlo’s books and Spanish to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s books the way they originally wrote them. I’m pretty sure there are some nuances and subtexts that we miss when we read the translated version. Oh well!

Anyhu enough of language talk. I got a very disturbing call from an old friend. He told me out of nowhere that he really wants to have a baby. (And here I am thinking that it’s only women who become broody) The talk was going on well until I asked him where I come in. He reckons that since am intelligent and have a banging body (his words not mine) maybe I should consider carrying his baby. THA HELL! I know am all that and a bag of chips and then some but kamman... He is one of those guys who you like as friends but wouldn’t dare do nooky with. Not because there is something wrong with him but because we have known each other for too long that sleeping with him would feel like incest.

Now what infuriated me was how he was going on about asking to rent my womb. (No wonder no woman wanted to carry an alien in their bellies for him). He pulled the you-are-getting-old-and-your-biological-clock-is-ticking bs. Not all women as fazed by their ticking biological clock. Not all women want to have children.

Now men if you want the lady to have your awesome rugrats with your superior genes you gotta come better than that. You gotta appeal to the lady’s vanity. I’m thinking something along the lines of  ”I want my babies to have your eyes” or “I have always known that you are my soul mate and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you”. “There is no woman in this world who I would rather have carry my baby”. You know something romantic. But asking kienyeji like that is just wrong. It makes me feel like I was his back up plan; like he has run out of options plus time.

See sending me a few beautiful chain emails and texts daily and the occasional calling so that we stay in touch doesn’t constitute a relationship. I talk to the garbage dude na mtu wamaji more than that and you don’t see me tryna have their babies now, do you? Besides I don’t do long distance. The longest distance between me and Mr. Right should be between the bedroom and the kitchen.lol.

Over the years I have noticed that most men don’t exactly believe in finding soul mates or the right woman. Men wait for the right time to marry and women wait for the right man. So when a man is ready to settle down, the women he is with at the moment of the inspiration is the one he will marry. So cross your fingers ladies and hope that the one you are with gets inspired to settle down with you soon. That’s why you can break up with a guy then 2 months later he is making wedding plans with another heifer. After you he realized he didn’t have the energy to look for another chic and court for a long time again.

Don’t be desperate to get married and have kids, the opposite sex can smell it from a long way off and are repulsed. I went to this gathering over the weekend and this dude started interrogating me. Asking me what I do for a living, who is my pastor, how old I am (yes he went there) etc. He wanted me to cram my cv in that small time period to save himself from having to buy me kwon gi rech and talk about my awesome self. Talk about speed dating on high gear. Good thing I was able to bs my way out of it.

I think aging is the wrong reason to have kids. Always have kids when you are financially, psychologically, emotionally ready. The people who pressure you won’t be there to help when you got formula and diapers to buy. All the morning sickness, the stretch marks, swollen feet etc will be on you alone. I said in this post that I want people to leave my uterus alone but I guess they didn’t get the message. Hope they will get it when I say it in Swahili... sigh! Or maybe i should beat him like a rented mule to send a message to all other men, maybe then I will have piece of mind!

ps- Nyumba yangu ya mtoto si ya kukodisha, translation - My uterus is not for rent

The honeymoon and the happy ever after

You didn’t think I was through now did you? Clearly you do not know me... AT ALL!

So after we leave the reception, me and Mr. Wonderful will wear our leather pant and jackets, fingerless glove and boots then get on a motorbike and take a ride to the coast, that is after we have gotten matching tattoos.

Relax people…I haven’t lost my marbles…yet! I’m kidding. We will fly to the Kenyan coast and check in to a hotel next to a beach (obviously). If the budget allows we might just go outside Kenya; any where with sandy beaches (sand so fine as talcum powder) with breathtaking views of the turquoise ocean- 

don’t really care where as long as am with my soul mate! We wouldn’t pack much seeing as where we are going we wouldn’t need much clothes*wink*. The only thing we will be wearing are smiles, cologne (optional of course, they can be overbearing sometimes), our wedding rings and of course our hearts on our sleeves.lol.

Ok maybe even one or six freakum dresses (remember Beyonce’s song with the same name) you know… to spice things up!

We would frolic in the sand like a couple of kids and go skinny dipping. Maybe even get sand stuck in our toes, backs…everywhere including places where the sun don’t shine and I’m not talking about the mokonyo …tihihihi! If there are hammocks we would lie side by side as he reads me Pablo Neruda’s love poems or any other poem. (I don’t discriminate). Us poets we are one big happy family!

He would tell me how I complete him…

He would tell me how he could be anywhere else but he’d rather be with me…

My beloved would be mine… and his desire would be towards me …

(Ok I stole some of this from the book of Songs of Solomon chapter 7 something; what are you going to do? tweet king Solomon? *hides*

Come back Vicky *slaps self*

I’m thinking a place which looks more like the setting in most Reggae music videos.

(When I was young I always thought that Reggae artists come from a country shaped like a donut with water all over and that’s why all their music videos are normally near the beach. I used to wonder whether they had hotels or stadiums).

We would then order room service and lie next to each other like Shakira does with what’s-his-face in the music video for the song “Gypsy”. (That video kills me every time). They look so sensual and not in a lewd way (at least for the first part of the music video). We would then share our secrets, scars and tattoos!

Maybe I will even do a little strut in the hotel lobby like she does in the video seeing as I would have…wait…

( my kids might read this someday and think their mama has glass heels in the closet and has spent too much time on her back looking at the ceiling*if you know what I mean*).

One thing for sure though I will have this glow on my face which you do not get from a cold shower or having a facial *wink twice*

If we are broke we will check in the Kenyan BnB, as in, bed-and-be-gone. They give you the bed but not the breakfast. They do not have breakfast in the package and check out time is as early as eight because they want to make room for “day scholars” who want to have secret tryst in the hotel.

So I and the husband will go back home and enjoy what life has to offer. We would save up and travel all over the world…

…go up Christ the redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro maybe even get beauty secrets from their fine Brazilian women, Burj Khalifa in Dubai, go up the Eiffle tower in France and eat shokolat (chocolate- my attempt lame attempt at copying the French accent) and drink some fine wine, visit the imposing Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey. Go to Britain and maybe drink some Tanqueray with Idris Elba, that is if his schedule is not so busy. Don’t forget to go to Amsterdam and smoke some cannabis in their cannabis cafes without fear of being caugh( they still have the weed pass, right?). Kruger national park in S.A would be cool to check out. Visit the land of chocolate, clocks and cheese (Switzerland), and we wouldn’t mind getting fat as we would have ways how to burn calories *wink*. Go to Agra, India and see the magnificent Taj Mahal (wish someone would build me one*dreamer much*) See the sky tower in China and the China wall of course. Go Turks and Caicos and maybe try the conch penis they put in shots. Visit Uncle Sam, see the Madison square garden, the Yankee stadium, the holly wood walk of fame, Brooklyn bridge and the statute of liberty, walk on snow and get me a snow globe as a souvenir (tell me the song by Alicia Keys and Jay-Z song has made you curious about New York? that is, you have never been there)etc.

See all those places I see on brochures, National Geographic, movies and read about in books.

If for some reason I don’t get to go I hope my kids get to go so that I can live vicariously through their lives. I will collect postcards to stare at and think of what it’s like to be out there in the world.

Later on we would check ourselves into an old age home when we retire. We would then share vitamins, pain medicine, reading glasses and dentures. He would hold my hand after my hip replacement surgery and I would hold his. We would dance to some Tracy Chapman song to celebrate our new hips.lol. He would be my soul mate till the grim reaper do us apart! We would have our bodies cremated then mixed with concrete, poured into Indian Ocean to encourage coral growth. That is, assuming Pwani doesn’t attain independence from our ostrich government. Alternatively we will have one pickney, if he insists maybe two. We would then build a family home complete with the white picket fence, porch swing n’sh*t. I would sit in the porch and churn award winning novels every year till my last breathe. 

We would have a dog named Bosco and make sure it’s neutered (I mean puppies are so messy). I will have two heifers named Daisy and Sunshine with lots of sheep and chicken.When entering my compound you will be welcomed by a cocktail of the unique animal dung smell (it’s a farmers thing, you will never understand). I would have a vegetable garden in the kitchen with sukuma wiki, carrots, cabbages and tomatoes. I would definitely have a couple of sunflowers in the compound; those flowers do something to me y’all! I will have some trees then hung some wind chimes complete with the “jeff koinange” bench where I would read awesome books. (Bet you didn’t know I have green fingers!) Then we would chase down a chicken every week both for the exercise and to get dinner. I would proudly tell my guests “dinner is served…I killed it myself this morning and oh while cooking me put my feet in it, so you better like it. bon appétit”.

Aaahhh it will be good times!

My dream wedding

Today I write a soppy post. I have always had a little yen for weddings. Always. Although most spinsters my age have given up on ever doing a church wedding. They tell me to try get myself preggers then move in with ninja and get it over and done with. You would think all these talk would deter yours truly but noooo... I’m gonna drag ninja’s behind down the aisle even if it damn near kills him.

Yep! Ladies, men don’t know what they want- so it is our job to tell them what they want. Yes, that includes, walking down the aisle. That’s why they came up with the phrase “better half.” We are the better halves. Beyonce was right, we run this matha... They all want to get married; they just don’t know it yet! Very soon I will be releasing a book titled “how to drug your man down the aisle” it will be at bookstores and supermarkets near you.

Now forget come-we-stay-and-see-whether-we-like-it bull and all that jazz. That isht is for the birds. God did not make your fine ass to settle for that BS. Ati love in our hearts. What’s the point of being in love if you can’t show off your object of your affection to all and sundry? Besides on the wedding day them trifling-boyfriend-snatching heifers will keep off your man as he is spoken for. You better drag his ass down the aisle. 

The wedding has to be done your way so they better put it in their bong (pipe is so mainstream) and smoke it. Do not let anyone stand between you and your dream wedding, yes even your betrothed. Put your foot down. Yes, even if it means knocking him over the head unconscious with a skillet cave man style then by jove do it doll face. 

You are going to have that wedding even if it damn near kills him. By any means necessary, Machiavelli style.

Anyhoo I was writing an article for someone about weddings and while going through various websites I couldn’t help but dream about my dream wedding. I went all J.D (remember SCRUBS series) and couldn’t concentrate on the project at hand.

So this is how my dream wedding is going to be. You may want to grab a chair; this is going to be long.

I used to say I would be the first bride in Kenya to wear white pants complete with a tiny top but I know grandma would have a hernia if the women’s guild at church saw me like that so forget I even brought it up.

I’m thinking for the dress maybe a replica of the sequined wedding dress that Beyonce wore in the music video of ‘the best thing I never had’ song. Yes with all the gold shiny thingys n sh*t (dreamer much). I just hope it will hold my bosom...you know seeing as I am small-chested and all.

But come to think of it, my rhinoceros hips may not fit so maybe the dress singer Estelle wore with lots of hip room, in the music video “American Boy” featuring rapper Kanye West will have to do.

I am thinking Mr.jaber3000 should walk down the aisle in nothing but a loin cloth but I know my prudish family & friends will give me grief over it. And I would never hear the end of it for as long as I live; besides for some reason most men my age these days have let themselves go so maybe their pouch will ruin the photos.

However, If my wish is granted and Mr. Right has a body like a gladiator (think rapper Nelly or LL cool J) he will never wear a shirt EVER! I won’t even have to save for a washing machine y’all, them washboards abs will be enough.

But who cares about the groom, it’s my day...back to me.

I want to wear sparkling earrings that shine every time the sun’s rays hits it just right...yes mine will be an outdoors wedding. Now the bridesmaids will definitely wear orange dresses with gold shoes (don’t ask me how it will work. But they better make it work or otherwise they are dead to me). If you want to know the shade of orange that am referring to, check out Indie Arie’s ‘Therapy’ music video. You see when they dress in all orange they will look like tangerines rolling down the aisle.

I fux with sunflowers so no roses or gardenias or any of those weird looking flowers I normally see on wedding shows. I think sunflowers are not only beautiful but useful too, they are the only flowers that make sense to me and I can’t for the life of me understand why people in the weddings I see have never thought of it.

For the music am torn between Josh Groban’s- When you say you love me, Tracy chapman - Open arms or you are the one, Luther vandross- Amazing, Brad paisley and Carrie Underwood – Remind me, John Legend- cross the line (mama will think the lyrics will cross the line*nudge nudge*) gawd! there are so many good songs..

But if I can’t make up my mind we will do the old default wedding song that everybody knows and save the rest for the reception.

For the vows am torn between two, I would show you but I don’t want to bore you with more mushy stuff. Moving on! The cakes should be sunflower designs.

 (Speaking of cakes... I would like better if we dig into some breast...chicken breast I mean, instead of the cake. I hate the icing sugar they normally put in cakes...too sugary for my taste and it goes straight to my hips anyway, that is, if I don’t get the runs first. Or maybe even some ol’ good fish! Who said that we all have to cut some cake for the wedding????)

At the reception we’d better do the shuffle like they do in Tyler Perry movies and if anyone goes out of sync with the rest, I guess he/she will have to turn in early because he will be shown the door piyo piyo.

 But seriously though I want my wedding to be a carnival like the cop in the movie “BRIDESMAIDS” said. No stress just people having fun eating and drinking with some great music. I’m I asking for too much here people?