Quit running chile!

I have always been a runner. No not Kemboi-like. I mean like running from my problems. You see, I'm not really a fighter. If I see a war coming on, I run the other way. I just never see the point. That and because Im chicken shit plus I hate losing.That's why I don't answer trolls or engage with people who try to bully me on the different social networks I'm on.

The thing about running is that it never really solves anything. The same problems you are running away from are always there. So if and when you you do come back they will be still there waiting for you. They aint going nowhere. And if you keep running sooner or later you run out of places to hide or you get tired of running like I learnt the hard way this week.My BFF always tells me that when I run from my problems I only change my geographical location but nothing else. And I totally I agree with here.

Maybe the man or woman that you have is the one you are meant to have. Maybe the job you have now is the one you were meant to have for this season. Or the situation you are in, you are meant to go through and learn from it. Ever notice that if you don't confront a problems it keeps on coming back in many otyher avenues!

But now you keep jumping from one lover to another, or from one job to another and you are still not getting any satisfaction. Me thinks Providence is tryna tell you chile QUIT RUNNING ALREADY! Just keep still for a spell and listen to what your heart is trying to tell you.

If you only would just be patient for a little while and for once enjoy where you are; you will see the difference. Now relax and just for once in your life- like yours truly- quit running.

I leave you with one of my favourite songs by the rock band Daughtry from their album Leave this town. Enjoy!


     

No the one who drunk, doesn't drink!

I was blog whoring a few days ago when I came a cross a post by an irate young man. From what I gathered this young man used to be a man whore then decided to change his ways- which is commendable if you ask me. Now the trouble is that people around him don’t believe that he has really changed. They keep teasing him and giving him a time frame in which they expect him to go back to his old ways. Every time they see him with a woman they assume it’s another conquest which scares away the potential girlfriends. And from his angry post I’m pretty sure he has had enough.

Now I am not surprised at how people around him are treating him, I’m surprised at how in his mind he assumed he would just segue from a philandering ass to a good boy just like that and all would be forgiven. He thought there would be a long line of people waiting to pat him on the back or give him glucose or some shit like that for seeing the light.  Like we they going to forget all the lies, broken promises and trail of broken hearts he left in his wake.  All the abortions he paid for and the marriages he ruined. The illegitimate kids whose child support he absconds every month. Ati his guy friends were going to forget how he used to brag about how he could get any chiq he wanted.

If like me you have effed up big time in the past, you very well know that the consequences are invariably there. Some mistakes you can take back but most you can’t. I’m talking alcoholism, adultery, criminal activities etc. Do not blame the people around you for being suspicious of your intentions. It’s very hard to break some habits and even harder for people to believe one can change. For example when the police are looking for any criminal who is fresh out they always go to his old hiding place or look up his old mates. It’s just one of those things that make you understand how rare it is to find people change for the better. I remember in the TV series The Unit one man was asked if he believes people can change and he replied, “I don’t believe it but I've seen it. Meaning even after seeing people change right before his eye he still doesn't believe it.

The hard part is not even shedding off the bad boy image, its trying to convince the people around you- especially the ones you have hurt- that you have really changed. When you have a past it doesn't go away. The secret is to concentrate on living your life and letting your actions speak for you. Stop trying to win over your critics and stay on the straight and narrow. Live your life and forget the naysayers. Not everyone is going to be your cheer leader or excited about your new path. It may require you to lose some of your old friends who are all up in your ear telling you what to do.

The ones you have hurt may forgive you but not necessarily forget. Your past mistake could be that elephant in the room which some may use as a weapon when they want to hurt you. Proving yourself especially after you have broken some promises in the past is both tiring and pointless. You can talk till your blue in the face but it still won’t mean shit.  If you have watched the movie Transit you can see how a mistake a father did in the past almost cost him his family. The character gets involved into a mistaken identity scenario and when he tries to explain his wife doesn't believe him and it almost gets them all killed.

Be ready for there are some who will throw it in your face that you messed up. Don’t let it deter you or make you get off the wagon. Now go forth and do good and for crying out loud stop trying to explain yourself!

How not to say sorry

Apart from God there is no one who is infallible. We all make mistakes at some point since we are not perfect which part of being human is. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake- but there is something wrong about not admitting it. Saying sorry usually doesn’t change what had been done or said. It doesn’t even take away the pain and hurt that someone has inflicted on you.

Sorry is just an acknowledgement that the wrong doer admits and accepts what has happened was wrong and sometimes that makes all the difference to the person who has been wronged. It lifts a burden off the person who has been wronged and allows them to move forward without feeling that what happened was somehow their fault or they deserve to be hurt.

In the movie Diary of a mad black woman the character (played by Kimberly Elise) who confronts her estranged husband reminds him of all the mean stuff he did to her during their horrible marriage. At the end of the tirade she says, “You never even said you are sorry”. Sorry means a lot especially to women. Most of the time a woman will forgive almost everything but if you don’t say the word sorry then its game over.

Sorry is one of the hardest words to say but one of the most important words you will ever say in your life. Sorry is not weakness, it shows one has strength and maturity. Sorry can fix what you never even thought could be fixed. Sorry can bring together people who have been estranged for years. Sorry can heal and restore families and all relationships in one’s life. Sorry is one of the ingredients which I believe could heal our nation from all the injustices it has experienced from others like during the PEV in 2008. It is a simple word which personally I think it is grossly underrated in the world today.

The only way children can learn to say sorry is not if their parents teach them but if they show them. There is nothing as powerful as apologizing to your children when you wrong them. In the TV series Homeland SN1 there is an episode where a father forgets to attend his son’s karate classes. Before he goes to sleep he kneels beside his bed and apologizes, oh you should have seen me choking up. It’s such a nice gesture especially for men since it is usually not considered manly to say sorry.

When children see their parents apologizing on a regular basis, they gradually learn to be accountable for their own mistakes. Instead of teaching children to apologize, parents demonstrate. Children learn from role models not by lectures.

-John Gray in the book Children are from heaven

When you apologize just say sorry and walk away. Any thing that you add might dilute and cancel out the power of sorry and even make matters worse. There are many ways to not say a genuine sorry and they include making excuses like those in the ‘sorry stories’ told by the characters in the movie for coloured girls:-

1. Baby I don’t know how she got your number, I’m sorry.

2. Baby you know I was high, I’m sorry

3. I’m only human our inadequacies are what makes us human, If we were perfect we would have nothing to strive for, so you might as well go and forgive me, I’m sorry.

4. I do you, like I do you, because I know you can take it. I’m sorry.

5. Now you know I love you, but I ain’t gonna love you the way you want me to love you, I’m sorry.

6. Shut up bitch! Told you I was sorry.

The excuses given by unapologetic wrong doers range from the idiotic ones like no.1 to the pseudo philosophical bullshit like no.3. This reminds me of the time I did some work for this ninja a few months ago and he refused to pay up. It started with him paying me on Wednesday, then it went to Saturday then it went to Wednesday again until I lost count. When I confronted him, he started telling me some bs about him always wanting to wait for all his debts to reach a “certain threshold” before he can pay up and I almost threw up at the back of my mouth. That’s when it hit me ninja has no money! Just when I think I have seen the last of human stupidity someone comes along and takes it to a whole new level. All he had to say was something like “sorry I don’t have any money right now but as soon as I get some, I will definitely send it to you and sorry for the inconvenience”. But that would have been too much to ask of him, I guess!

The other thing people do to show they are not sorry that gets my goats is blaming you. This broke ass ninja who had my chums had the gull to tell me that I did not remind him often enough. He blamed it on having a poor memory- how convenient! So I guess when you borrow a loan from the bank they should remind you huh? So when people are employed they should go to the Hr and remind them end month is approaching huh? Cheiii!

Don’t get me started on when they become aggressive and violent like in excuse no.6. so that they disarm you to not demand an apology. One of my married friends has a philandering husband whenever she asks him to stop; she gets beaten to a pulp. My debtor also threatened me with karma and I was like what! are you like five? Maybe you should ask karma to help you pay up while you are at it sweetie!

Wait it gets even juicier when wrong doers hide behind religion. Another ninja who owes me money and when I confront him he invokes the name of God. He always keeps reminding me that he is a Christian. It is so beautiful I wish I could record this bs and upload the link on my blog.  If you have to keep reminding people you are Christian then you probably aren’t. Maybe you are just trying to convince yourself.

(This is the reason why pastors like what’s-his-face gets away with deceiving his congregation he could heal sickness but instead pays prostitutes to pretend to be sick and healed. Some people relax when someone says they are Christian, they have fear of questions concerning religion. To yours truly unless you have a halo on your head or show me a burning bush it don’t mean sh*t until I see if you walk the talk. You can talk all day till the cows come home but if your behaviour doesn’t tally, it don’t mean jack) Nowadays he plays hide-and-seek with me and he always win coz he is playing alone.

Don’t remind me of the its-never-my-fault guys like in no 1 & 2. It’s always alcohol, the traffic, the rain, the dog-ate-my-homework blah blah blah. It is always one thing or another which makes them hurt you. Personally I think they should be man enough to overcome this obstacles and show up for you if they cared enough.

The most hilarious one is the crying and melodramatic stunts. 

 A dude who is my friend was caught cheating last week and he started crying, gawd it was beautiful. He was like on one knee, drooling and weeping and hyperventilating nsh*t.  Ghai! If you thought chiqs are ugly when they cry, you should have seen this guy act! He should have gotten a standing ovation. Wipe that. He should have gotten the twenty-one-gun salute, fireworks display, full fanfare complete with a celestial choir to celebrate. My pal almost forgave him on the spot!

When all fails, some remind the person they have wronged of a mistake they did in 19-sikumbuki. This is mostly used by women because they have like a vault of memories in their heads that is never erased. They always remember what you said verbatim and they are good with dates too. I met an old high school mate and she reminded me of how I wronged her in 1999- I almost chocked on my food. That’s 10 years plus!

The worst thing is when someone who has been caught pants down starts denying everything. I guess denial ain’t just another river in Egypt huh? A few years back some two guys hit each other in their cars in a traffic jam. Luckily the police was in the vicinity to intervene. It was discovered that Lets call him *Jim was wrong. The other person agreed to let it go if only Jim said sorry. Can you believe ninja felt he was too grown and G to say sorry. The police tried to get him to apologizes but alas. Now he paid for all the damages over the simple word “sorry”.

There are those people whose way of saying sorry is doing something nice back to you. Ain’t nothing worse than someone thinking they can buy back your affections. They will make you promises to make you forget how bad you felt when they wronged you. It is even more annoying when, after the dust has settled they do not even bother to deliver on their promise. Or they choose to flatter you or say something condescending like in no.4 which is even more annoying than the offense.

Other proud people will stay away from you and wait for you to cool down. This one usually irks me because when they give me time, my anger actually escalates such that by the time they come back I’m fresh out of second chances.

Now the other annoying people are those who say sorry but invariably repeat the same mistake over and over ad nauseum. They say too many sorry to appoint that you say what the character said in the aforementioned movie “I can’t use another sorry”. Sorry is only meaningful if you do not repeat the mistake again!

Next time you say sorry mean it and do not repeat the same mistake again.

Have a nice day!

Ta ta

Say what!!!!

I have noticed this peculiar habit in this beloved city of ours. When you go to peoples homes they offer you a drink. As in anything you want, they got it all in their liquor cabinets. It’s like every month their shopping budget includes all types of alcoholic drinks to entertain their guests. Back in my village I’m used to being offered chai or kawaida stodgy food but liquor... well that’s new for me. And this alcohol you are supposed to take while you wait for lunch which most of the time will be ready at 5 pm jioni!!!

Note to self- next time you are invited for lunch in Nairobi eat at home first!

So yesterday I go to this lady’s place and she sweetly tells me to go take some ice in the fridge. I thought she wanted me to lick some ice (weird) or something but it turns out she wanted me to drink some black ice. I tell her am a teetotaler and her jaw drops.

“ghai! Since when? Wewe ni mjaluo kweli?”

She talked as if being a teetotaller is some kind of disease. The other guests in the house also got in the conversation to give their two cents. For some reason, they all seem to believe that all luo women love alcohol with one even quoting a line in the song by rapper Big Pin “mamanzi wa kisumu wanapenda beer” (I don’t even come from Kisumu.smh).  Clearly the person who was collecting data did not come to Kanyamkago village to ask for my opinion. The last time I tried alcohol I ended up turning into a blithering bubbling fool half singing, and half rapping gospel songs...

Am gonna lay down my burdens, down by the river side...

My cousin reckons that being pickled makes me feel closer to God. I’m pretty sure this statement is right up there with blasphemy. So now my being unable to hold my drink disqualifies me from being a true Luo woman O.O? Its stereotypes and profiling of people from other tribes in Kenya like this that makes my hackles rise. Since I’m a self appointed spokes person I have made it my duty to squelch all these rumours about “my people”. My new life mission is to track down these people peddling rumours and beat the lumps out of them. That is after they take me to the shop where they got the marbles to come up with these stories that have me erupting into spasm of fury (don’t ask me what that means, moving on)

The next misconception which I learned jana is that Luo women have good taste in clothes and love their make up. Ok, most do but not all. Thou cloth doth not maketh a man, I say! Actually, yours truly dresses to cover nakedness and comfort; fashion is not of the essence. The closest I have come to makeup is my lip gloss which I only use when leaving the house. The lady who does my hair always tries to make me use make up but alas! I tried mascara as a teenager and it ended up with me looking like singer Prince. Due to wearing glasses for over 10 years my eyes water easily. I will be walking in town and I feel my cheeks wet only to realise my eyes are tearing. I can’t tell you how many times people ask me if am ok when they see my eyes getting misty. Besides I don’t like how the mascara makes my lashes sticky and gooey. Since I bite my nails, lipstick and nail polish is out of question as I will ingest it as I indulge in this nasty habit.

Wait it doesn’t end there. I think you better sit down for this one. It’s big.

Ati Luo women are sexually liberated (read good in the boudoir). This bunkum really burns my biscuit. Thank you very much you beautiful Luo woman with a gorgeous lithe body who gave some ninja a night of his life. Now because of you the bar has been set way too high for the rest of us challenged women. Some men now expect me to go to town when we you-know-what. Somehow you have managed to convince men with your sultry moves that all Luo women know how to deliver the goods and now the pressure and expectations is driving me insane. I mean, it’s not like we were having a hard time working on our self esteems before you decided to move the bar again...nkt!

My friends tell me that my bedroom skills are wanting. Now we were having a referendum about my challenged boudoir skills. Can you believe these people? I really need to find me some new friends for reals! I hope it was the alcohol talking, I really do. Apparently it is evident from the way I walk...really??? There is even a walk? These people are killing me here! I have a mind to cut the sole of one of my shoe heels like Marilyn Monroe is rumoured to have done, so that when I walk my yansh can sway seductively and maybe then I can finally get a man and give my mama some granbabies. sigh!

I always assumed as long as you lie there like a star fish and take it like a woman you are good to go. But nooo... my bff insists that doing shaboingboing is like riding a bicycle upside down. I do not know how to ride a bike (long story-don’t ask) hence I could not get the concept using this analogy. My other male pal tells me that it’s a bit like eating at a fancy five star restaurant; you go from outside and work your way in. Again I have never gone to such restaurants; of course he lost me at five star restaurants. So you know at this point am getting frustrated with the responses and advice I’m getting. And I’m not any closer to getting any one who will say what I want to hear. I have a feeling these men swallowed a dictionary and the gutter. Men can say the most disgusting things using such beautiful vocabulary that you wouldn’t know you were insulted until a few days later. smart a**!

The man who lives upstairs (no not Jesus, upstairs, as in our building), claims that he wanted to have a dalliance with me but realised that I never know the “moment” comes. He claims that he has tried throwing hints but I haven’t caught any. Lawd! Somebody slap me upside the head for being such an a**. It seems this moment is so transient that the window closes faster than my slow mind can decipher when it appears. How can I do ‘it’ right, when I don’t even know when to do ‘it’? It’s like chopping for exams and you don’t know the date of the exam!

See the problem is that there is no universal sign that can help me know when the “moment” is right. It is very important to get the “moment” right because if you misinterpret any gesture it can end up with the dude being weird around you like you are some nympho or something. Besides our upbringing and society tells women that they should not be prurient. It would explain why am not au fait with the sexual parlance of this here parts.

One dude told me I should have known it was time when he blinked at me. Well we had not discussed our Morse code for I-want-to-have-empty-and-unattached-sex-with-you earlier. Forgive me for asking if there was something wrong with his eyes. Some other dude told me that when he tickled me I should have gotten the picture. So now when anyone tickles me (including my family members) I should get out my paper spray, mace the SOB or run for the hills.

Gawd! Can Cosmo or the sex gods come with a universal code for the “moment” already to save me from these embarrassing moments because at this rate it just going to be me and my hand for the rest of my life. You all know how I hate taking matters into my own hands *if you know what I mean* Alcohol tastes like feet, fashion ain’t really my thing, make-up ...belgh! but my poor boudoir skills well that’s a no no... The insinuation cut me...it cut me real deep. Whatever happened to people being equal? Sigh! No wonder I never get the proverbial morning after call. All this time I was thinking men are threatened by my success (ok more like potential, you know since am in between jobs- jobless is such a dirty word) and am too good for them or they don’t know how to handle a strong woman since they are emotionally crippled (yes, this how I sleep at night in my cold bed and I know what you are thinking- hello therapy!!!! But its not like that).

If anybody needs me I will be in the village limbering up 

and getting my Kegel exercises on, 

I will be dammed if I miss another “moment” again. Carpe diem jaber! I’m very sanguine about this journey that I have embarked on. Yes, Vicky is getting her groove back! Vicky is going to blossom and open up like a lotus flower. I will embark on this bisypean task of harnessing all this latent sexual energy and channel it through ways which are not of your business. You just wait you beautiful Luo women, I’m gonna put y’all to shame one of these fine days! Take this as a challenge! There’s a new foxy lady in town ready to liberate her hoohah! I will revamp and upgrade my prosaic boudoir skills. Then it will be game over for y’all. Talking about nyef, nyef, nyef... cheiiii!

Ps- Just so you know, I may not be good at you-know-what but I sure am fast which is more that I can say for y’all. How you like them apples ladies!!!

Kamman boys, the friendzone is not so bad

I had to borrow this photo.LMAO!

Ok I apologize for making fun of friendzoned people but kamman boys, the friend zone doesn’t have to be such a bad thing now. For those who can handle such relationships believe it or not there are perks you can enjoy. Besides the lady might just be trying to put you through “purgatory” before she lets you have her heart and all. 

Maybe if you play your cards right you might just win her heart after all- but don’t hold your breath though.

So if you decide to settle in your friend-zone and enjoy it, here are the benefits for you my dear friend:

1. She can help you meet the girl of your dreams

Girls like moving in groups and have a nice circle of girl friends. If she don’t want you there might be another girl in her crew who might be ready to get some loving from you. Women trust men who are introduced to them by other women more. They assume the fact that he is her friend then he might be nice so they will be more receptive to listening to your lines. You won’t have to work as hard as  you would have if you met the lady alone. The lady she introduces you to is most likely a nice one seeing as she is your friend, there is no way she would deliberately deceive you. Ain’t nothing like a beautiful “wing-man”!

(But be careful, coz it is a tricky situation. if every thing goes wrong you might lose you gal pal too, coz women are loyal to their girl friends like that)

2. When you need a date to couples events

If you are invited to a couples only meeting and you need a lady ASAP, your lady friend will be most likely be happy to accompany you. The good thing is that if the event ends up being boring, you will still get to have loads of fun with your new bff. You are also able to get admission into to couples only activities that can be for fun things like applying for the Amazin Race, Fear Factor etc.

3. Home cooked meals

If you’re tired of the take away food you can get some great stodgy home cooked meals from your gal pal once in a while. Women always cook for their friends so you can take advantage of this. Plus the fact that she knows that you like her, she kinda feels guilty for making you suffer so she over compensates by being over nice hopping to assuage your feelings of rejection. You can maximize on the guilt she feels by getting these little things.

But don’t stretch it, you might be shown the door!

4. Get inside information

You can ask for advice especially when you are having problems with a new love interest. They are able to be honest with you in a way that your friends of the same sex can’t be. They are able to shoot from the hip because they have no ulterior motives but your best interest at heart. If they hit it off and they are friends, your gal pal will shed light on some stuff happening with your girlfriend sometimes without even knowing it. They can also give advice to help you win the affections of the woman you are pursuing or solve dating dilemmas. Getting a woman’s opinion on some things can also go along way in helping you avoid make some dumb mistakes. There are also some things which are too awkward to ask your male friends.  A very good example it when you want to buy a shirt and you are not really sure it’s appropriate for the occasion you are buying it for; your gal pal will choose for you.

5. Understand women a little more

You also get an insight into the complicated workings of a woman. It wouldn’t hurt to understand the women’s side of things. They help you decipher some things which may not be obvious to you or you find confusing in women. It’s not what she says but how she carries her self, her idiosyncrasies and quirks. There are those things about women you will be able to pick up by hanging out with a lady. You will also develop skills that will help you in your next relationship. For example being a good listener and tolerance for chewing the fat and little gossip.

6. Share expenses

True gal pal will be able to bail you out when you are in financial trouble; especially when you do not want to trouble your boys or family with your fiscal issues. You know that they won’t pressure you to pay it back assuming, she also borrows stuff from you. You can split drinks and food etc when you go out and save on money. If you are in the same building, you can share utilities and when they have guest over they can borrow stuff from you and vice versa! The lady also feels safe knowing there is a man she can trust living in the same building in case something happens.

7. Good filter

They can be a great filter in that you can intro your new boo to them first before she meets the rest of the family. You know a way of seeing your new love out of her element and how she relates to other people. Your friend will also be able to give it to you straight if your new friend is great or suspect. There are things or behaviours that women can pick up that men are oblivious about when they are head over heels. Your gal pal will be able to see how your girlfriend is treating you before giving her blessing. It will save you the embarrassment of introducing a crazy girl to your mama.

8. Get comfort/companionship

Women are fiercely loyal, and when they are your friends they will take good care of you. The lady can help provide comfort when you are feeling down and lonely freely as they know they do not have to give anything in return. They can also be great confidants as they are more sympathetic. You will feel free to emote as she wont judge you seeing as she has no romantic interest in you. It’s nice knowing you have some feminine company where there are no pressures or expectations whatsoever. This companionship can be also fulfilling and fun for the both of you. There are movies, shopping, cooking, road trips to enjoy with your gal pal talking about sundry stuff.

You will get intimacy without being intimate... you know what I mean? No? Ok moving on...

Although men find it hard to separate friendship from romance, (as they don’t really care to know what puts a woman together-all they know is that they want and need her) it wouldn’t hurt to try and cultivate healthy relationships with the opposite sex and enjoy the aforementioned benefits. It is very healthy to have at least one friend of the opposite sex especially for those who are single. If you are married, that boat already sailed, your wife should be your bff!

Now wipe that frown off your face and try to enjoy the friend zone area nicca, the sky has not fallen... YET!

Ps if you insist on pursuing a romantic relationship, know that there is no going back. You can’t take it back. You might lose the friendship too. It’s very dicey ergo the reason why you should tread carefully.

 Wish you luck!

friendzone purgatory

If I had a dollar for anytime I heard a ninja whingeing about how he has been friend zoned I would be in the black. There is nothing as frustrating as being friend zone by a lady when you are harbouring unrequited feelings. Oh! The torture!

She air kisses you like your skin is contagious and all you can think of is shoving your tongue down her throat and play some tonsil tennis, tongue hockey n maybe throw in some groping championships. Every time she sits too close, you can smell her hair you go insane. When she touches you ooooh! Your loins are on fire. It takes all your energy to restrain from putting her on the table and spreading her like butter. She arouses emotions in you that you never even thought you had.

And like Lamar you ask yourself is there any justice in the world?

You love her from the crown of your head to the salt of your marrow all the way down to the soles of your feet but she don’t know! You think about her all night and dream about her all day.  You want to give her everything, the world even (that is, if you could) But she won’t let you. She tells you she wanna be friends when in your head you are thinking you want to do things to her(or is it for her?) that you don’t do to your friends. Ouch! 

You pay a kings ransom for exotic dinner and she barely touches it. Instead she is busy nibbling on the stupid salad. You take the long route home so that you drop her and her gaggle of friends home and they jump off with not so much as a thank you. In fact through out the whole ride she either has her head phones on or catching on some gossip with the girls. You are left to stare at the number plates of the cars in front of you to entertain yourself. 

 

You are handsome, amiable, have some cash and try to be in your best behaviour around her? But she still won’t let you in. And you wonder what you are doing wrong. She tells you, she loves you like a brother and in your head your thinking how you have more sisters than you know what to do with. Her rejection leaves you feeling inept and destroys what’s left of your already fragile ego. Winning her love is like trying to find Atlantis or the Holy Grail! 

gawd! this can make a great soppy country song!

You immediately go homicidal when you see some dude chatting her up and you already have a few places in mind where you would dump his body if you kill him. You wish she could look at you the way she looks at the oaf she is pinning for. *Bosco prolly doesn’t even know she exists.

Oh! Life can be so cruel sometimes!

So you are forced to swallow the bitter pill that is you have been FRIENDZONED BABY *Miguna shout*

 Now do you want some juice to down that pill? May be some ice? No? Ok as you were!

-so tonight as you have the second cold shower of the day and sleep in a foetal position with your hands between your legs thinking of “the one that got away before you even had her ” maybe you can put on this song by lemar and think of what could have been!  mmmuuuuhahahaha!

Coping with a controlling mother

Accept that she might not change
If you look at the title of this post, you will notice that I have used the
word ‘cope’. This means that there is a very high chance that your mama may
never change. Stop hoping she will change. At her age she is too set in her
ways, she gets a pay off from being controlling and has had decades and
decades of practicing/mastering how to manipulate people. You are a few
years late honey. If you are religious and believe in miracles, God will
change them but in the mean time you will need to have some tools how to
cope or manage this difficult mama. Accept the fact that she isn’t a nice
person, despite the fact that she is your mother, painful as it may be. You
cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her.

Have compassion
Understand that your mother is human and maybe picked up this behaviour as
a result of her past. Maybe she is grieving the loss of a loved one, maybe
she is lonely, maybe her husband is cold and distant, or has anxiety
disorder etc. You must pity her because for someone to be this manipulative
she may not be a happy person within herself. She is imprisoned by her
negative thoughts and is just projecting to others through controlling
them. Quit trying to change her, it will only make the situation worse.
Stop hoping that she will change, it may never happen. Just make sure not
to condone or justify her abusing you or feed her habit.

Stop looking for affirmation
The reason why your mother’s behaviour still bothers you is because you are
still looking for affirmation from your judgmental mother. Look for
approval from yourself- not her. Make your decisions with a clear head and
stand by them. When you are confident, she won’t be able to get under your
skin. Do not try to please everyone. When you are an adult, your parents
are relegated to the role of advisers not dictators. They can
suggest/advice but don’t decide for you. Stop looking for approval from
her. It many never come in your life time. Get over it!

Cut the cord
If you live with them, move out NOW! If you live with them they definitely
have lots of control over you. Plus the fact that they now pay the bills,
they have something to lord over you. If they physically abuse you, you may
need to quit your job, move to another town. Whatever you do just get away
from her where she cannot hurt you. Avoid introducing her to your friends
especially those who are sensitive and might not appreciate her behaviour.

Minimize contact
If you are too chicken to severe ties, then minimize the amount of time you
spend with them. Only talk to your controlling mama if you really have to.
Wean her off slowly, don’t go cold turkey because she will want to gain
back control and give you grief. Slowly reduce the number or frequency of
texts, calls, emails etc you send her. Do not be alone with her at any time
always have a buffer person to diffuse the situation that may arise.

Avoid the allies too
If she has family members/friends who spy on you for her, minimize the time
you spend with them so as not to give them material to send back to your
mama. If she wants favours like shopping, mowing the lawn, cleaning the
house etc send other people or pay other people to do them for her. If she
wants help, if you can afford it, hire for her a house help.

Filter information 

If you cannot avoid seeing her, filter the information you share with her.
Be brief when giving answers, keep your distance always.  The less she
knows the less information she has to hurt you with. Don’t tell her about
your life or what you are doing. Steer clear of contentious topics which
leave you both in screaming contests. Block all your profiles on the
internet. Put passwords on everything from your phone to the computer. Do
not pick your phone around her; tell your friends you will call them back
(unless it’s an emergency)

Don’t take favours
Controlling mothers never give any thing for free; they always come to
collect later like Beelzebub. Avoid asking for help in any way and exhaust
all other options first. Don’t take anything from them as an adult that
they may use to blackmail you in future. Don’t ask for help or advice for
any projects as she will quickly take over and try to run the show.

Recognize the bait
After you have understood all the things she does to manipulate you, don’t
take the bait. All the things that trigger this should be also avoided. If
you stop responding to the ways she wants, she will most likely scale back
and give you room to breathe. If she tries to bring up contentious issues
change the subject. If she insists just listen with kindness by either
having a tough-cookie/poker face or a polite-I-know-how-you-feel stare with
some nodding and aha, hmmm’s in there etc If possible no eye contact. Never
try to pontificate anything she says. If she decides to stretch it, stand
up for yourself (respectfully of course). But if she is being
difficult...walk away. Wipe that. RUN!

Never allow guilt to control you
Never feel guilty for trying to live your own life the best way you know
how. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If you are going to see her, make
sure you have another important place to go after immediately so that she
doesn’t manipulate you to stay. Have another person with you always or have
a car pick you up as controlling mothers normally want to look good in
front people so they might not attack you with another person in the room.

Stick to the boundaries 

Do all of the above over and over until she gets the picture. If she tries
to violate any of your boundaries firmly remind her that you will not get
into it with her. Even if she cries, sulks, pouts etc. It’s like when a
child refuses to stay in school and cries for you. Just walk away. Go cry
in the car, scream on a pillow, chew gum- do what you gotta do but fight
the tantrums and manipulation, you will be the better for it when you do.

Build your support system 

Build around you a support system of people who love you that she cannot
break. Have mentors, aunts etc who will be able to mother you. Have a life
that does not involve her. Build strong relationships with people round her
so that they can help you by not playing/indulging her mind games/emotional
blackmail to stop feeding her habit. They can help you change the subject
when she goes koo koo. They can also help you do errands for her so that
you don’t have to.

Be strong 

Sometimes the people around her may not back you up but instead give in to
her to maintain peace leaving you looking like a bad person. Mothers are

usually romanticized, if mothers day is anything to go by. People may not believe 

that she is making your lie a living hell. That's not what good mothers are supposed 

to do. You have to go at it alone and stand firm. You may even be forced to be 

alone and try to be all the things you want from a mother for yourself. Stand up for
yourself and don’t allow yourself to be bullied. Be kind to yourself and
known that the rotten attitude from her has nothing to do with you. Don’t
feel guilty for being happy without her help. Try to find and do things
that make you happy. Try to preserve some semblance of sanity as much as
you possibly can.

Therapy/Counselling 

If it’s affecting your life to a point where you are depressed and on
medication- you want to run away or die then you need a therapist ASAP. If
you can’t convince her to go with you, go alone and work on getting tools
on how to cope. This is very important especially if you do not want to
infect your children/spouse/friends with this toxic behaviour. Break the cycle.

Find out more about controlling mothers 

Read books/Blogs etc about this subject so as to understand it better.
Interact with others with controlling mothers. The more you understand 

a problem the better you will be equipped in solving it.There are also resources
online where people with controlling mothers share their experiences and
ideas on how to cope like .You will know that you are not alone therefore
stop stressing so much thinking that you are abnormal and all! Its actually
more common in many families in the world.

*Ps- all the above advice is good in theory but implementing them is a tall
order. Your mother is the person who is supposed to love you when you are
wrong or/and when you are right. She is supposed to cover your weakness and
protect you from other people instead of giving them materials to hurt you
with. You look for love, support and understanding from this person.
Fighting her is a double edge sword-it will hurt her almost as much as it
is going to hurt you. It is very hard to confront your mother especially
since you do not want to disappoint her. If she is creative she may even
invent new ways to make your life harder when she realizes she is loosing
control. If you choose to fight it is going to be a war like you’ve never
seen it before. May the Lord be with you-for reals though! You need you
some Jesus... and the Holy ghost too!*

On a lighter note, check out this hilarious video below.LOL!