Bae needs to have some chill in this streets!

This old man was telling me that the trouble with relationships is that when a man approaches a woman he wants to get to know her before he decides if he'll commit to her. Women on the other hand want a confirmation that they will last forever before she gives her self fully to the man. Which is kinda impossible considering some things(like relationships) take time before they actually become meaningful. This forces the man sometimes to make false promises to get a chance to be with her. You really dont want to lie but at the same time you dont want to lose the chance to be with her. Its a catch 22 situation. You do you are damned, you dont you are still damned. (Kweli guys have it hard!)

Some are actually genuine when they make promises of love but down the line they realize the woman they are with is not who they thought they were and things change ergo they want out. Hence the many broken hearts and bitterness by both parties when the relationship goes sour.

Women don't want to hear 'Lets hang out and see how it goes' when they ask you "Where is this relationship going?" They want to be sure before they give themselves 100%. They put so much pressure on the man to define their relationship with of course disastrous effects. We like to label relationships all day. We want to know where we stand with anyone not just with members of the opposite sex. We don't just "chill" for chill's sake. Every thing has to have a meaning. Even people who have the FWB arrangements can testify that sooner or later the lady begins to feel some type of way about the man. Now she may even doing the most in his life hoping that he will see how awesome she is and wife her. Cooking, cleaning and generally indulging his every whim. She may even start acting all jealous when they see their FWB buddy talking with other ladies. At this point you know baby girl has caught feelings and she secretly wanna be exclusive!

I think women will be much safer if they followed this poet's advice before committing themselves to any relationship. It summarizes everything about how to progress in a romantic relationship. I have loved it since high school.

I beg you by Laban Erapu

If you feel something like love for me,
Not to let me know it now
When I feel nothing so certain for you.
Wait until you’ve conquered my pride
By pretending not to care for me.

I beg you,
If you think your eyes will give you away,
Not to give me that longing look
When you know it will force the moment
Wait until our heatbeats have settled
Then put your head on my shoulder.

I beg you,
Not to let us surrender to passion
Until our liking has grown to love
Let’s stop and look back
Let’s draw apart and sigh,
Let’s stand back to back,
Let’s say goodbye for the day
And walk our different ways
Without pausing to wait
For an echo to our last word.

I beg you
If you find yourself interlocked
In my embrace,
To kiss me and keep me silent
Before I start making promises
That time may choose to by-pass -
Wait until our hands are free,
Then listen to me;
Wait until our love is primed
Then give me your hand.’

Below is an interesting song by Papa Roach. The lyrics speaking on more or less what I'm tryna say. Sometimes baby boy may blurt out "I love you" without even meaning to and then its down hill from there! Any who have a listen...

Book review : How to be good

No no no… it’s not me telling you how to be a good person, it’s the title of the book I read while waiting for the elections results in the month of march.We all know the boat already sailed on that one, I can never tell you how to be good!

This book revolves around the character Katie who is a doctor married to David and together they have two children Molly and Tom. Katie has an affair which she blames on the fact that David is angry, cynical and basically hard to live with. David is not only bolshie but even goes to the extent of cussing in front of the children. He also contributes to the local newspaper and his column is aptly called ' the angriest man in Holloway'.

After David finds out about Katie’s affair he moves out. He ends up living with a faith health called DJ Good news. After an encounter with this faith healer, David changes and becomes good. Annoyingly nice... which drives his family insane just as he did when he was an angry man. He gives out the family's money. Gives out the kids toys and computers. Katie comes home to find he has taken in some children from god-knows-where. He tries to get the rest neighbourhood to take in needy kids in their homes. David also quits his job which entailed him bitching about anything and everything. He not only drives his family insane but his friends, family and neighbourhood too.

I loved this book especially because the writer Nick Hornby writes from the point of view of a woman. I swear if I didn’t google him I would have sworn the book was written by a woman. I recommend this book to every married person as the writer has some very important tips for married folks. Get the book and see how this family copes with daddy’s new attitude.

Books on relationships

There is nothing more annoying than meeting a lady who has gone through enough men to make up not one, but two rugby team but still hasn't learnt a thing about men. I think if you are a lady above 24 or cleared college you should have figured out men enough to be able to weed out the douche bags and save your little heart some pain. If you are past your mid twenties and you still have men playing with your heart then please slap yourself so that I don't have to.

It's even more tragic when a lady is a single mother and has shite taste in men. She has had men lying and laying on her and now she got them lying to your kids too. It drives me bats to see kids paying for their besotted mothers' mistakes. Like in that movie- whose names escape me now- where a character said that its sad how we need a license to drive, fish but not to be parents. Mothers literally get away with murder sometimes. And am not talking about the physically death. Its when the kids grow up the cycle of dysfunctional relationships begins all over again.

Now in the spirit of beginning a new year on a clean slate by beginning to change our lives for better I have put up a few books to give women a few pointers on how to invest in healthy relationships. I'll admit like ayla have never cared much for self-help books because I do not like to be told what to do... you know... seeing as there is my way and the wrong way. But these books really are eye opening. I have read the first two and glazed over the last two. They share quite a number of themes, most of which should be common sense but it doesn't hurt to be reminded once in a while.

(NB- Please read the books with a grain of salt and use your wisdom to take only that which will help you. The authors are from a different geographical zone from us Kenyans, different cultures, beliefs etc. Some of the advice may go against what some of you believe. e.g sex before marriage, how to dress attractively(sexy means different things to different people. etc)

 I read this book this week and it left me in stitches. The author is really funny and doesn't come off as being too preachy. I promise you wont be disappointed. Even if you think you do not need relationship advice just read it for entertainment.

I read this book back in college and it saved me a lot of drama. It gives advice and examples of mistakes that women make and questions that females ask. It is also entertaining to boot!

 This book shows people how men and women are wired differently with different emotional needs. It teaches the different sexes how to relate to one another and have healthy relationships.

Hope you have watched the movie with the same title- if only to stare at the lovely Michael Ealy.lol

They F*** you up

I was walking in town when I came across a book in a shop with the above title and I knew I just had to take a peak inside never mind that it was raining cats and dogs and I was drenched to the skin. I thought it was all about the governement or aliens and all- as if. Then I opened the first page and I see this disturbing poem;

This be the verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy stern
And half at one another's throats

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

by Philip Larkin

And I imediately knew I had to get it- so i did.lol

The book authored by Dr.Oliver is about the nurture verses nature argument with the writer arguing for the belief that we are who we are because of how we were raised not genes. He believes that the early childhood is very cucial in determining how a child turns out especially the first 6years. He advices that people be careful about the people they leave their children with for the overall well being of the child. He stresses on the importance of getting it right for the first 6 years of a childs life. Unconditional love, praise and warmth and affection is what he says is the recipe for raising health children with high self esteem.

Dr. Oliver reckons that people prefer blaming everything on genes because it removes all blame from parents. The author is against belief that the poor are poor, the mad mad and the bad bad etc largely because of their genes. This is because if this is true then there is no point for the government to increase spending on education for the less fortunate in the society or talking therapies or enlightment regimes...you know seeing as we cant exactly change our genes.

He also answers the question why siblings are so different from each other, yes even twins despite the fact that they have the same parent, raised in the same house etc. The book states that siblings have different brain patterns because according to the author siblings do not have the same parents. Each parent treats each child so differently that they might as well have been raised in completely different families. So if you compare the treatment you got from your parents with those of your siblings you will notice the differences

There are very many factors that contribute to why parents treat each child differently or rather what makes their brain pattern different and it includes;

a)Parents are at different stages in their lives when the different children are born and very often so is the state of their marriage eg children from broken homes are at a greater risk of a litany of psychological problems

b) the birth order of the children

c) the gap between siblings

d) the size of the family eg large families of five or more siblings are more likely to be emotionally deprived.

e) Physical beauty(preferential treatment is given to the more attractive child by parents)

f) If the parents are educated or not

g) the care givers9apart fro the mother) who were around the child in the early stages

h) the sex of the child (eg some parents may have bee looking forward to a girl or boy and may express this infront of the child who was not the deired sex)

i) If there is a death of a parent(s)

Dr. Oliver gives lots of examples from not only his own family but from politicians, criminals, celerities, dictators, entertainers etc like Elton john, Michel jackson, margaret thatcher (and her daughter carol and son mark), prince charles (and his father Philip), Jeffrey archer, mark Chapman(who shot John lenon), Mia furrow( and the whole fiasco with Woody allen and Sooni Yu), Hitler, stalin, napoleaon, Amin, Gandhi, leo Tolstoy, Charles darwin, kenyatta, Hochi Min, John Hinkley etc. He even has documented some recordings of his interviews with the different personalities to show his point across. He also tackles the subject of Homosexuality, mental illness, Divorce, Inteligence, depression and of sexual devianys such as rapists.

He also says that anyone who claims to have had a perfect childhood can be certain that he/she is in denial and tales of an idyllic childhood is self deception. (In another book I'm also currently reading, one character tells a young lady that 'Any baggage you have ceases to be only yours  the minute that sperm hits that egg.' No one did not suffer some degree at their hands of their parents.And that parent do not band out cruelty evenly. Most usually focus on one child who is usually the recepient of the mother's negativity.

However be that as it may. Dr. Oliver states categorically that the book is not meant to bash parents. He meant it to encourage people to be better parents and not let their own histories affect them or recreate the same problems in their children. This is because those who forget their past are bound to repeat it. As one wise person said- you cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

I recommend this book to any one who has children or intends to have some pickneys in future. It is also great for psychology students to add some bit of knowledge on the nurture vs nature argument as the writer also quotes some of the theories and arguments that have been brought forth by other prominent psychologists.

how to get laid

The time is 1800hrs and I'm in this Ninja's house hungry as fudge. He goes into the kitchen and takes forever only to come back with a cup of strong tea (strungi for some of you) and three slices of bread. And because I have a big heart like a watermelon, I keep quiet. Like the good guest that I am I do not even mention the fact that the bread has no siagi and the tea no sugar- and it tasted like ass too.

Now what made my hackles rise is when baby boy had the cojones to ask for booty. Now pray, how do you expect some serious "senior relations" on a near empty stomack yawa. This is where lads are getting it wrong nowadays. There is a reason why our fathers used to buy women dinner. Ok, it was out of the goodness of their hearts but also for the women to get some strength for the work out they were gonna get later. So when you put your paws on some poor lass and she is as hungry as fudge then ninja am afraid its gonna have to be you and your hand alone tonight.

But that's a story for another day. I want to talk about a scenario where baby girl has taken you back to her place for some action but for some reason has grown cold feet- and is generally being a royal pain in your gluteus maximus. Maybe she don't trust you. Maybe the alcohol has worn off or she thinks you won't respect her in the morning (of course you won't but she don't need to know that) She wants the company but not the 'magic wand', like you are some kind of stuffed animal or something. Sweet heart does'nt know that you come with the whole package- All or nothing baby!

So you are semi naked and just about to whip out the schlong but she isnt being a very good host. If anything she has a vice like grip on your hands and her acrylic nails are digging into your flesh. And you think to youself, I need to get some tetanus shots first thing tomorrow morning.

Now when this happens don't sit down there wistfully, thinking of how many ways you could beat the lumps out of her. This is what you do. Get up and get dressed. Wear everything mpaka socks. Don't ask me why dufus just do it. Ok I could tell you the reason why, but i have already said too much and broken a couple of the the chiqs-before-sticks rules. Have I ever lied to you? Wait, dont answer that question!

Ask for an extra duvet for sleeping in kwa sitting room. Try not to mean mug her and maintain your cool. Whatever you do, don't lose use your sangfroid. You will need the stoicism of a pack mule to ignore your blue balls. Proceed to the living room and ensconce yourself on the couch with the duvet. If she asks why-  just tell her some horse manure like, 'you respect her', 'you wouldnt want her to do what she doesnt want to', you..blah, blah, blah... yuck yuck yuck ... yadda yadda yadd. Your smart, think of something mushy to say.

A few hours in the cold bed will definitely bring her back to her senses. Now she will come to fetch you with a change of heart. If this happens, dont just pounce on her and deliver the goods. Pretend to resist kidogo and ask her if she is really sure. If the answer is affirmative, then go through the boring few minutes of foreplay that you hate so much. Just before you whip out the joys stick, ask her again if she is sure, just to show what a gentleman you are. If its an enthusiastic yes then BAM, give it to her right. You are welcome, now go forth and suffer blue balls no more!

NB- If it doesnt work, try it thrice. If it still doesnt work then you'll know she loves you like a brother.mmmuhahahaha...

I swear i'm gonna burn in the hottest part of hell for this after Armageddon.

The narcissistic mothers and their daughters

Most of the time when women come undone people assume that its daddy issues. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the dad and all to do with the mother. There are mothers who are controlling because they have narcissistic personality. They lack the fundamentals of mothering e.g. unconditional love, sensitivity and empathy and security. An example is the character in the Tv series Single ladies whose mother wants her to marry a philandering man because he comes from a good family. 

Their daughters are normally conditioned to care for these mothers rather than the reverse. These mothers see their daughters as competition which explains why they rarely attack their male children. Although there are some few males who have controlling mothers like the character Charlie’s mother in “two and a half men” and that rapper who always says unsavory things about his mother in his songs. For others it is their father who is narcissistic like that character in ‘The mentalist’ whose name I can't remember now and the bad boy in the Tv series "Friday night lights". Anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissistic person will tell you how hard it is to break free. These mothers consistently undermine your person-hood. Although every human being needs a reasonable amount of attention to survive both physically and psychologically, these mothers want to have it all even if it means depriving their children of certain privileges.

Narcissistic mothers are predatory; they will torture their children for sheer entertainment. Like that woman who on the internet uploaded a clip of her two young children beating the hell out of each other. They rarely get caught by other people because they have mastered the art of predation. Personnel in the child services can usually tell a child is being emotionally abused but are hard pressed to prove it. They always pounce on their children when no one who may hold them account or stop them is around to witness the abuse. NM pushes buttons you didn’t even know you had. This also made worse by how the society worships mothers and assumes that when a mother gives birth the maternal instincts automatically kicks in. Unfortunately in some mothers it doesn’t and they spend the rest of their lives sucking the life out of their child’s life and in most cases get away with it.

NM always single out the most sensitive child as a target. They can smell vulnerability with nearly unfailing accuracy. They never apologize for continuously abusing you. These mothers never apologize even after they have reduced you verbally or physically to tears or coerced you into their version of reality. In fact they later break down to what one blogger described as non-apology and sweetly said words of non-love e.g.

I’m sorry but I had to do that to you

I’m hard on you because I care so much about you

I’m strict because I want you to be better than me

Look what you made me do

All these words keep you coming back for more abuse. If you do something commendable they withhold praise from you. For example if you get all A’s in your report card she tell you “Oh, that’s nice honey…” making you feel like it is not good enough. Or she will tell you of her accomplishments to up you and brag on herself. No matter how hard you try the response is always the same. They are sadistic and therefore don’t see the need to recognize your accomplishments.

These behaviors are hard to deal with because in every mother-daughter relationship, they manifest different. The need to have it all is what they all have in common but they manifest differently especially since every child also has a different Achilles heel for them to attack. Even though they don’t necessarily lay a hand on you they always manage to bring you pain. Emotional abuse is usually the worst as it is very hard to not only prove but also explain. Even advocates for abused children can tell they are abused but they are at a loss when it comes to explaining it in court and most of the time abusive mothers get away with it.

Narcissistic mothers want to humiliate shame and confuse you. She will tell you things like

“You will never amount to anything”

“You will never make it in life”

“I wish I never gave birth to you”

“You were the worst mistake I ever made in my life”

“I should have had an abortion when I had the chance”

NM are sadistic in that they enjoys hurting you and wants you to know that they do. They lack empathy. The abuse is not involuntary or reflexive. It is carefully staged, planned, deliberate, premeditated cruelty and they know what they are doing. This deliberate sadism is deeply enjoyed by these sadistic mothers. They do not acknowledge your feelings. For example the mother can beat you then ask you to stop crying yet you are hurting.

The many faces of narcissism include being psychosomatic, ignoring, belittling and shaming.  The abuse can be overt one where they physically abuse you which is easy to deal with as you have the outward marks to bear witness. I have a friend who is employed in her mid 20’s living at home and her parents still beat her when she disagrees with them. She told me if she buys something she hides them under her bed because her parents monitor everything. She tells me she plans on moving out secretly because her mother won’t let her. I asked her to come for a sleep over and she refused, I even offered to ask her mother directly but she was too scared.

The most dangerous mothers are those who are not overtly narcissistic and are able to hide their malicious predation. In fact people around her praise her for her “goodness” and they castigate you whenever you try to stand up for yourself. She is so clever that she has managed to get everyone on her side to help make your life miserable. You can’t prove to other people how they abuse you as it is mostly emotional abuse. Narcissistic mothers adapt to their environment and change their tactics as the situation demands which makes it hard to pin point the exact problems.

Most of the time the only way to know that your mother is narcissistic is how she makes you feel. Usually it’s very hard for daughters with narcissistic mothers to find “proof” to issue a final “verdict” on them. Hence the reason why they stay trapped in such relationship. It’s the same with people with narcissistic partners. Ever seen two people who look good together date for long then out of the blue they break up over something as simple as he forgot her birthday? Well it’s because the woman or man has been looking for a way out and this small incident provides it.

People on the on the outside are usually oblivious of what is happening to the child. Therefore you can only accurately measure the toxicity of their behavior by the effects on your own soul. If she paralyses you that sometimes you feel like running away or killing yourself then it’s really bad for you. If ever conversation with her leaves you either guilty or angry then it is also a sign of a toxic relationship. If you even wish she were dead then it’s a very serious problem. I remember one daughter saying that when her mother died was the first time she felt really free.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers mostly end up either as high-achievers to please their mothers or perform poorly (self-sabotagers) because they give up on ever being good enough for their mother. No matter which form the daughter takes they still have feelings of inadequacies.

To be free, you really need to give your self permission to give your “verdict” against your mother based on the evidence it has on your heart, mind and soul. Don’t wait for it to reach a certain level of hard abuse, leave before it gets out of hand. Accept what your mother for what she is and what she isn’t and stop expecting to much. (You have all seen stories where children kill their mothers after the abuse has made their minds unstable). It’s the only way you will start the process of healing.

Another blogger said she tried to break free from her narcissistic mother through talking it out but it felt like telling her mother to look at the rainbow and she is colour blind. It never works because they have years and years of practice manipulating people around them. The sure fire way of dealing with narcissistic mothers is no contact at all, they are way to far gone to change. They gate a pay off from your pain. It is too much fun!

Ps- I am no psychologist so maybe you need to see a counselor for real truths on how to deal with a narcissistic mother. For useful information on how to cope you can also buy the book  

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  By Dr Karyl McBride. 

 She is a trained marriage counselor and therapist, and also a daughter of a narcissistic mother. She has studied the mother-daughter dynamic for twenty plus years and written extensively about this subject in her book. She gives examples from clients who she has counselled over the years. Many women have really benefited from this book especially since it has been written by someone who has gone through it. She also gives step-by-step advice on how to deal with these situations and leave a joyfully fulfilling life.

Nyumba yangu ya mtoto si ya kukodisha!

Imagine my pleasant surprise to discover the Swahili word for uterus is ‘nyumba ya mtoto’ which directly translated in English means ‘the baby’s house’. How cool is that y’all? If I was a language expert I would have gone for ‘pango la mtoto’ but then again that’s why am not. I have always wanted to do a post in Swahili but I can’t. I don’t know Kiswahili. Wipe that. My Swahili is challenged. No, not because I am a Barbie. It’s because I first think in dholuo then say it Swahili. Right now I have problems pronouncing asante, is it pronounced asanty or asantee?

Those who know dholuo will tell you that there are some words whose meanings get lost in translation when I say what I’m thinking in Swahili. The woman who sells me mboga keeps correcting my Swahili that I have now become self conscious when talking to her. For example I told her “nitolee mguu ya mboga” when I wanted her to cut off the stem of the kales so that they could fit into my purse (yes boys I carry them in my purse). Now the luo word for stem is ‘tiend alot’. Now the word taken literary means ‘the legs of the kales’ ergo my many problems.

I have even tried to write a poem in dholuo and it was an epic fail. I’ve always admired how Okot P’Bitek did Lak tar ‘White teeth’ in Acholi. (Reminds me of the book white teeth that I reviewed last week, I wonder who copied who.lol) When I listen to people speak Acholi, it sounds like bad dholuo. I bet that’s how they feel about us when we speak. But I haven’t given up yet. I really wish I knew Portuguese so that I could read Paulo Coehlo’s books and Spanish to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s books the way they originally wrote them. I’m pretty sure there are some nuances and subtexts that we miss when we read the translated version. Oh well!

Anyhu enough of language talk. I got a very disturbing call from an old friend. He told me out of nowhere that he really wants to have a baby. (And here I am thinking that it’s only women who become broody) The talk was going on well until I asked him where I come in. He reckons that since am intelligent and have a banging body (his words not mine) maybe I should consider carrying his baby. THA HELL! I know am all that and a bag of chips and then some but kamman... He is one of those guys who you like as friends but wouldn’t dare do nooky with. Not because there is something wrong with him but because we have known each other for too long that sleeping with him would feel like incest.

Now what infuriated me was how he was going on about asking to rent my womb. (No wonder no woman wanted to carry an alien in their bellies for him). He pulled the you-are-getting-old-and-your-biological-clock-is-ticking bs. Not all women as fazed by their ticking biological clock. Not all women want to have children.

Now men if you want the lady to have your awesome rugrats with your superior genes you gotta come better than that. You gotta appeal to the lady’s vanity. I’m thinking something along the lines of  ”I want my babies to have your eyes” or “I have always known that you are my soul mate and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you”. “There is no woman in this world who I would rather have carry my baby”. You know something romantic. But asking kienyeji like that is just wrong. It makes me feel like I was his back up plan; like he has run out of options plus time.

See sending me a few beautiful chain emails and texts daily and the occasional calling so that we stay in touch doesn’t constitute a relationship. I talk to the garbage dude na mtu wamaji more than that and you don’t see me tryna have their babies now, do you? Besides I don’t do long distance. The longest distance between me and Mr. Right should be between the bedroom and the kitchen.lol.

Over the years I have noticed that most men don’t exactly believe in finding soul mates or the right woman. Men wait for the right time to marry and women wait for the right man. So when a man is ready to settle down, the women he is with at the moment of the inspiration is the one he will marry. So cross your fingers ladies and hope that the one you are with gets inspired to settle down with you soon. That’s why you can break up with a guy then 2 months later he is making wedding plans with another heifer. After you he realized he didn’t have the energy to look for another chic and court for a long time again.

Don’t be desperate to get married and have kids, the opposite sex can smell it from a long way off and are repulsed. I went to this gathering over the weekend and this dude started interrogating me. Asking me what I do for a living, who is my pastor, how old I am (yes he went there) etc. He wanted me to cram my cv in that small time period to save himself from having to buy me kwon gi rech and talk about my awesome self. Talk about speed dating on high gear. Good thing I was able to bs my way out of it.

I think aging is the wrong reason to have kids. Always have kids when you are financially, psychologically, emotionally ready. The people who pressure you won’t be there to help when you got formula and diapers to buy. All the morning sickness, the stretch marks, swollen feet etc will be on you alone. I said in this post that I want people to leave my uterus alone but I guess they didn’t get the message. Hope they will get it when I say it in Swahili... sigh! Or maybe i should beat him like a rented mule to send a message to all other men, maybe then I will have piece of mind!

ps- Nyumba yangu ya mtoto si ya kukodisha, translation - My uterus is not for rent

Kamman boys, the friendzone is not so bad

I had to borrow this photo.LMAO!

Ok I apologize for making fun of friendzoned people but kamman boys, the friend zone doesn’t have to be such a bad thing now. For those who can handle such relationships believe it or not there are perks you can enjoy. Besides the lady might just be trying to put you through “purgatory” before she lets you have her heart and all. 

Maybe if you play your cards right you might just win her heart after all- but don’t hold your breath though.

So if you decide to settle in your friend-zone and enjoy it, here are the benefits for you my dear friend:

1. She can help you meet the girl of your dreams

Girls like moving in groups and have a nice circle of girl friends. If she don’t want you there might be another girl in her crew who might be ready to get some loving from you. Women trust men who are introduced to them by other women more. They assume the fact that he is her friend then he might be nice so they will be more receptive to listening to your lines. You won’t have to work as hard as  you would have if you met the lady alone. The lady she introduces you to is most likely a nice one seeing as she is your friend, there is no way she would deliberately deceive you. Ain’t nothing like a beautiful “wing-man”!

(But be careful, coz it is a tricky situation. if every thing goes wrong you might lose you gal pal too, coz women are loyal to their girl friends like that)

2. When you need a date to couples events

If you are invited to a couples only meeting and you need a lady ASAP, your lady friend will be most likely be happy to accompany you. The good thing is that if the event ends up being boring, you will still get to have loads of fun with your new bff. You are also able to get admission into to couples only activities that can be for fun things like applying for the Amazin Race, Fear Factor etc.

3. Home cooked meals

If you’re tired of the take away food you can get some great stodgy home cooked meals from your gal pal once in a while. Women always cook for their friends so you can take advantage of this. Plus the fact that she knows that you like her, she kinda feels guilty for making you suffer so she over compensates by being over nice hopping to assuage your feelings of rejection. You can maximize on the guilt she feels by getting these little things.

But don’t stretch it, you might be shown the door!

4. Get inside information

You can ask for advice especially when you are having problems with a new love interest. They are able to be honest with you in a way that your friends of the same sex can’t be. They are able to shoot from the hip because they have no ulterior motives but your best interest at heart. If they hit it off and they are friends, your gal pal will shed light on some stuff happening with your girlfriend sometimes without even knowing it. They can also give advice to help you win the affections of the woman you are pursuing or solve dating dilemmas. Getting a woman’s opinion on some things can also go along way in helping you avoid make some dumb mistakes. There are also some things which are too awkward to ask your male friends.  A very good example it when you want to buy a shirt and you are not really sure it’s appropriate for the occasion you are buying it for; your gal pal will choose for you.

5. Understand women a little more

You also get an insight into the complicated workings of a woman. It wouldn’t hurt to understand the women’s side of things. They help you decipher some things which may not be obvious to you or you find confusing in women. It’s not what she says but how she carries her self, her idiosyncrasies and quirks. There are those things about women you will be able to pick up by hanging out with a lady. You will also develop skills that will help you in your next relationship. For example being a good listener and tolerance for chewing the fat and little gossip.

6. Share expenses

True gal pal will be able to bail you out when you are in financial trouble; especially when you do not want to trouble your boys or family with your fiscal issues. You know that they won’t pressure you to pay it back assuming, she also borrows stuff from you. You can split drinks and food etc when you go out and save on money. If you are in the same building, you can share utilities and when they have guest over they can borrow stuff from you and vice versa! The lady also feels safe knowing there is a man she can trust living in the same building in case something happens.

7. Good filter

They can be a great filter in that you can intro your new boo to them first before she meets the rest of the family. You know a way of seeing your new love out of her element and how she relates to other people. Your friend will also be able to give it to you straight if your new friend is great or suspect. There are things or behaviours that women can pick up that men are oblivious about when they are head over heels. Your gal pal will be able to see how your girlfriend is treating you before giving her blessing. It will save you the embarrassment of introducing a crazy girl to your mama.

8. Get comfort/companionship

Women are fiercely loyal, and when they are your friends they will take good care of you. The lady can help provide comfort when you are feeling down and lonely freely as they know they do not have to give anything in return. They can also be great confidants as they are more sympathetic. You will feel free to emote as she wont judge you seeing as she has no romantic interest in you. It’s nice knowing you have some feminine company where there are no pressures or expectations whatsoever. This companionship can be also fulfilling and fun for the both of you. There are movies, shopping, cooking, road trips to enjoy with your gal pal talking about sundry stuff.

You will get intimacy without being intimate... you know what I mean? No? Ok moving on...

Although men find it hard to separate friendship from romance, (as they don’t really care to know what puts a woman together-all they know is that they want and need her) it wouldn’t hurt to try and cultivate healthy relationships with the opposite sex and enjoy the aforementioned benefits. It is very healthy to have at least one friend of the opposite sex especially for those who are single. If you are married, that boat already sailed, your wife should be your bff!

Now wipe that frown off your face and try to enjoy the friend zone area nicca, the sky has not fallen... YET!

Ps if you insist on pursuing a romantic relationship, know that there is no going back. You can’t take it back. You might lose the friendship too. It’s very dicey ergo the reason why you should tread carefully.

 Wish you luck!

Coping with a controlling mother

Accept that she might not change
If you look at the title of this post, you will notice that I have used the
word ‘cope’. This means that there is a very high chance that your mama may
never change. Stop hoping she will change. At her age she is too set in her
ways, she gets a pay off from being controlling and has had decades and
decades of practicing/mastering how to manipulate people. You are a few
years late honey. If you are religious and believe in miracles, God will
change them but in the mean time you will need to have some tools how to
cope or manage this difficult mama. Accept the fact that she isn’t a nice
person, despite the fact that she is your mother, painful as it may be. You
cannot change her, but you can change how you react to her.

Have compassion
Understand that your mother is human and maybe picked up this behaviour as
a result of her past. Maybe she is grieving the loss of a loved one, maybe
she is lonely, maybe her husband is cold and distant, or has anxiety
disorder etc. You must pity her because for someone to be this manipulative
she may not be a happy person within herself. She is imprisoned by her
negative thoughts and is just projecting to others through controlling
them. Quit trying to change her, it will only make the situation worse.
Stop hoping that she will change, it may never happen. Just make sure not
to condone or justify her abusing you or feed her habit.

Stop looking for affirmation
The reason why your mother’s behaviour still bothers you is because you are
still looking for affirmation from your judgmental mother. Look for
approval from yourself- not her. Make your decisions with a clear head and
stand by them. When you are confident, she won’t be able to get under your
skin. Do not try to please everyone. When you are an adult, your parents
are relegated to the role of advisers not dictators. They can
suggest/advice but don’t decide for you. Stop looking for approval from
her. It many never come in your life time. Get over it!

Cut the cord
If you live with them, move out NOW! If you live with them they definitely
have lots of control over you. Plus the fact that they now pay the bills,
they have something to lord over you. If they physically abuse you, you may
need to quit your job, move to another town. Whatever you do just get away
from her where she cannot hurt you. Avoid introducing her to your friends
especially those who are sensitive and might not appreciate her behaviour.

Minimize contact
If you are too chicken to severe ties, then minimize the amount of time you
spend with them. Only talk to your controlling mama if you really have to.
Wean her off slowly, don’t go cold turkey because she will want to gain
back control and give you grief. Slowly reduce the number or frequency of
texts, calls, emails etc you send her. Do not be alone with her at any time
always have a buffer person to diffuse the situation that may arise.

Avoid the allies too
If she has family members/friends who spy on you for her, minimize the time
you spend with them so as not to give them material to send back to your
mama. If she wants favours like shopping, mowing the lawn, cleaning the
house etc send other people or pay other people to do them for her. If she
wants help, if you can afford it, hire for her a house help.

Filter information 

If you cannot avoid seeing her, filter the information you share with her.
Be brief when giving answers, keep your distance always.  The less she
knows the less information she has to hurt you with. Don’t tell her about
your life or what you are doing. Steer clear of contentious topics which
leave you both in screaming contests. Block all your profiles on the
internet. Put passwords on everything from your phone to the computer. Do
not pick your phone around her; tell your friends you will call them back
(unless it’s an emergency)

Don’t take favours
Controlling mothers never give any thing for free; they always come to
collect later like Beelzebub. Avoid asking for help in any way and exhaust
all other options first. Don’t take anything from them as an adult that
they may use to blackmail you in future. Don’t ask for help or advice for
any projects as she will quickly take over and try to run the show.

Recognize the bait
After you have understood all the things she does to manipulate you, don’t
take the bait. All the things that trigger this should be also avoided. If
you stop responding to the ways she wants, she will most likely scale back
and give you room to breathe. If she tries to bring up contentious issues
change the subject. If she insists just listen with kindness by either
having a tough-cookie/poker face or a polite-I-know-how-you-feel stare with
some nodding and aha, hmmm’s in there etc If possible no eye contact. Never
try to pontificate anything she says. If she decides to stretch it, stand
up for yourself (respectfully of course). But if she is being
difficult...walk away. Wipe that. RUN!

Never allow guilt to control you
Never feel guilty for trying to live your own life the best way you know
how. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If you are going to see her, make
sure you have another important place to go after immediately so that she
doesn’t manipulate you to stay. Have another person with you always or have
a car pick you up as controlling mothers normally want to look good in
front people so they might not attack you with another person in the room.

Stick to the boundaries 

Do all of the above over and over until she gets the picture. If she tries
to violate any of your boundaries firmly remind her that you will not get
into it with her. Even if she cries, sulks, pouts etc. It’s like when a
child refuses to stay in school and cries for you. Just walk away. Go cry
in the car, scream on a pillow, chew gum- do what you gotta do but fight
the tantrums and manipulation, you will be the better for it when you do.

Build your support system 

Build around you a support system of people who love you that she cannot
break. Have mentors, aunts etc who will be able to mother you. Have a life
that does not involve her. Build strong relationships with people round her
so that they can help you by not playing/indulging her mind games/emotional
blackmail to stop feeding her habit. They can help you change the subject
when she goes koo koo. They can also help you do errands for her so that
you don’t have to.

Be strong 

Sometimes the people around her may not back you up but instead give in to
her to maintain peace leaving you looking like a bad person. Mothers are

usually romanticized, if mothers day is anything to go by. People may not believe 

that she is making your lie a living hell. That's not what good mothers are supposed 

to do. You have to go at it alone and stand firm. You may even be forced to be 

alone and try to be all the things you want from a mother for yourself. Stand up for
yourself and don’t allow yourself to be bullied. Be kind to yourself and
known that the rotten attitude from her has nothing to do with you. Don’t
feel guilty for being happy without her help. Try to find and do things
that make you happy. Try to preserve some semblance of sanity as much as
you possibly can.

Therapy/Counselling 

If it’s affecting your life to a point where you are depressed and on
medication- you want to run away or die then you need a therapist ASAP. If
you can’t convince her to go with you, go alone and work on getting tools
on how to cope. This is very important especially if you do not want to
infect your children/spouse/friends with this toxic behaviour. Break the cycle.

Find out more about controlling mothers 

Read books/Blogs etc about this subject so as to understand it better.
Interact with others with controlling mothers. The more you understand 

a problem the better you will be equipped in solving it.There are also resources
online where people with controlling mothers share their experiences and
ideas on how to cope like .You will know that you are not alone therefore
stop stressing so much thinking that you are abnormal and all! Its actually
more common in many families in the world.

*Ps- all the above advice is good in theory but implementing them is a tall
order. Your mother is the person who is supposed to love you when you are
wrong or/and when you are right. She is supposed to cover your weakness and
protect you from other people instead of giving them materials to hurt you
with. You look for love, support and understanding from this person.
Fighting her is a double edge sword-it will hurt her almost as much as it
is going to hurt you. It is very hard to confront your mother especially
since you do not want to disappoint her. If she is creative she may even
invent new ways to make your life harder when she realizes she is loosing
control. If you choose to fight it is going to be a war like you’ve never
seen it before. May the Lord be with you-for reals though! You need you
some Jesus... and the Holy ghost too!*

On a lighter note, check out this hilarious video below.LOL!

Signs that your mama is too controlling

I watched ‘Jack and Jill’ a couple of days ago and I noticed that most Adam Sandler’s movies (like 50 first dates, Spanglish, Anger management) always consist of a woman controlling some submissive man (Adam Sandler). I don’t know if it is a coincidence or Mr. Adam has something to share with us. 

Anyhoo I was inspired to research on controlling mothers and this is what I came up with...

Smothering, suffocating, Domineering, forceful, Combative, annoying, bullying, manipulative, sneaky, judgemental, Nitpicking, strong personality, Meddling, overprotective, micromanager, Abusive, bossy...

Do any of the aforementioned words describe your mama to a T? Then mon amie you might have a controlling mother in your hands (more like life). The other signs include:

1. Makes you doubt yourself

Right from childhood she nitpicks everything you do from how you walk, talk; chew your food to the cowlick sticking out. She hates your job, friends, lover, religion, profession etc. Around other people you are a grown up but around her you feel like a twelve year old again. Nothing you do is ever right. She makes you ashamed of your life.

2. Psychotic stalking

She wants to know where you are at all times (even if you told her where you are going before you left the house). She will ask about you from family or friends etc. She is nosy, will snoop through your things from diary, texts messages to your purse. If she is computer savvy she will check out your profile on fb and twitter etc.

3. Controls all your relationships

Mama tells you who you can or cannot hang out with. She screens all suitors, makes sure to be around when your friends come over and dominates all conversations. If she leaves, she will be in the next room eaves dropping. If you are on the phone, her ears perk up to try and hear what you are talking about. She might even start to control their lives too. She has sucked the life out of you, now she wants to suck it out of the others too. The big Hoover will spread the misery.

4. Guilt trips you

She whines how you spend more time with your friends than her. She makes you choose between her and other people/things/ interests. If you refuse to go see her she will talk in a small, weak, care worn voice to show how she is suffering. If you stand your ground she will send lots of text messages, emails, letters larded with words to make you feel guilty.

5. Lies/belittles/condemning and abuses you (sometimes others too)

She is a consummate liar and has mastered how to rally everybody around her. When you have an altercation she will lie about the details of the fight. She will tell any one who will give her an audience what a horrible person you are and most cases manage to isolate you from everyone. She will point out weaknesses like call you fat in front of people and embarrass you publicly. Always wears a scowl on her face. She is suspicious of people and is constantly picking up fights with them; from employees, service provider to the matatu touts.

6. Physical abusive

In very extreme cases, she may be physically abusive on top of the yelling and the screaming contests. This could be slapping/hitting you or throwing items that are in her hand like sufurias, plates, shoes etc at you. You may even have to get a restraining order against her if your life is in real danger. (Remember the Nyeri dude? shit can get that serious)

7. Give you strings-attached gifts

She will help you out financially or any other way which later on she will use to control and belittle you. She will constantly lord it over you to make you dance to her tune. She will constantly bring up all the things she has done for you and make you feel obligated to return the favour. She will ask you for favours which will require you to give feedback so as to get you to talk to her often.

8. Try to make you feel jealous

If all the above fails she will try to make you jealous. She will do nice things for other family members/friends or strangers to send a message to you. She will hold parties, cook for them, buy things for them etc. If it doesn’t affect you, she will move to saying things like “Grace is more like a daughter to me”” she treats me so well” etc. She may even constantly tell you how so and so’s child is successful and rubs it in your face.

9. Competes for your affection

She will drive away your friends and family so that you solely depend on her. She doesn’t want you meeting other friends or family. She will try to get people to stop from supporting you. She will try to isolate you by not allowing you to play with other kid when you are young. If she notices that she is being replaced, she will seek to up that other person. During birthdays she will buy the most outrageous gifts to make her seem like she cares more.

10. Rallies up people around her

A small altercation ends into a chain reaction with all other family members being involved in your business. She will be on the phone telling people how bad you are and all. She will run ideas by your friends and family and hope they drop hints to you to make you alter your plans. She is constantly complaining to your siblings/friends/family including your kids about you who in turn get on your case- it feels like a never ending drama.

11. Has a controlling ally

In most families your controlling mama will have an ally/ snitch, could be the husband but usually its the last born who will hover around to gather data. If you have more siblings, chances are if you don’t get the controlling character from her, one of your other siblings will pick it up. This sibling will start to exhibit behaviours like for instance constantly criticizing your clothes, your hair, correcting your grammar mid conversation, condescending, giving unsolicited advice larded with platitudes and old chestnut etc and help shove your mother’s agenda down your throat and spend time with your mama discussing what a demon you are. They will even have private jokes and pet names for you.

12. Melodramatic/exaggeration/ personal crisis/Emotional blackmail

She will cry, sulk, pout and throw temper tantrums if she does not get her way. If she has a headache it will blown up to migraines or even cancer. She will talk about suicide/death especially if she is old to get you to feel guilty. She just has this uncanny ability to get everyone to do what she wants. People are powerless to her charms and manipulation.

13. The men around her are hen pecked

One sure-fire sign your mama is controlling is if your father is whipped/submissive and bows to her every whim. If your father always seeks to hide from her eg in the pub or his office to get away from her then you really know she is a pain in his caboose. If she is constantly yelling at him (emasculating him) telling him how he is not good enough- its only a matter of time before you get a dose of this medicine (more like poison)

14. She acts like Martyr

She is always talking about some suffering or another. She is always feigning illness to get the family to come over. It’s always one crisis after another. She is constantly saying how her life is hard and how she has suffered. Constantly reminding you of all the sacrifices she made for you. Oh how you messed up her good body, how her birth canal was never the same thanks to your big head etc. Its always doom and gloom with her. She is constantly in turmoil and makes one bad decision after another and claims it was all for you.

15. She is intrusive/ demanding

This Mama wants to know every intimate detail of your life. She doesn’t cross the line; she starts on the other side of the line. Whenever she calls it is to ask intrusive questions and generally give you the third degree. How much you earn, why you are not pregnant yet, if you are getting any from your lover, she wants to know about your friends’ private lives too etc. Constantly pushing boundaries (more like there are no boundaries with her). She interferes in your life and is constantly stirring trouble/causing arguments between you and the rest of the family/friends.

16. Never listens

Every conversation or information you share with her is translated into you asking for advice. Before you finish talking she is already giving her two cents and persistently pushing her points of view down your throat. She likes to think that she is never wrong. She thinks she is an expert in your life never mind that some of the decisions she made in your life are horrible ones and you are paying for them to date.

17. Makes too many demands than is acceptable/Impatience

She is constantly demanding money, time etc from you. She wants all of your time and makes you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, husband and family. She will expect you to do favours at the drop of a hat without caring that you have other things to do.  If she calls and you do not pick up, she will leave over 10 messages (that is, after calling all your friends and siblings) She will fill up your inbox with messages etc. She has no respect for your personal time and space.

 (All this is usually common in families where there is an only child, in single parent black mothers or the parent and the child were abnormally close and emotionally dependent on each other growing up before other people started coming in the picture to challenge the status quo)

But not to worry, i gat you.

I will post details on how to deal with your bullying mama, aunty, mother-in-law etc for now marinate in this new information.LOL!

Ta at 

lovely people

Ps. Jesus loves you even if your mama don’t.