Religion in relationships

Relationships are hard work even if the conditions are perfect eg you both are great people, wonderful personalities, great jobs, supportive in-laws etc. Now throw in a few challenges like different tribes, mean in laws, different social/economic backgrounds etc and see how it gets messier. I always recommend that people hook-up with people who they have more similarities than differences...but what do i know?

Anyhu, did you know that among the top reasons why people get divorced one of them is attributed to religious differences? Yup, Truestory!

It’s mostly difficult when your spouse decides to make a lifestyle change like, say- take up a new religion which you had not anticipated.

Will your relationship survive if your lover picks up a new quasi religion with poleaxing practises such as drinking their urine, eating the baby’s placenta, talking to the dead with Ouija board and all?

Now this is what they should include in them premarital counselling classes.

Remember in the book I reviewed “PS-I scored the bridesmaids” the protagonist’s girlfriend decides to get him on a diet and he ends up being unable to go for number too in the bog.LOL!

I was talking to my friend and I happened to mention that you cannot ignore your better half’s religion and she brushed me off. She argues that love is enough and religion is, in her words “no biggie”.

Nobody ever listens to me... sigh!

Well a few days later she was invited by her boyfriend to attend their church then reality set in. She did not understand what was going on from beginning of the Church service to the end. She later called me all careworn as things went pear-shaped asking me what is she going to do and I didn’t have the heart to tell her – told you so! Now she is engulfed in a maelstrom which she is not sure how she will get out of.

Another friend of mine also invited her boyfriend to our very charismatic church where we leave it all on the church floor when it comes to worship. Nothing is too good for our dear Lord. I’m talking speaking-in-tongues, falling on the floor flailing, jumping-up-and-down, shouting and all, kind of service. He being a foreigner found all this very amusing and actually whipped out his camera and started shooting. After church he was mimicking the words the woman speaking in tongues next to us was uttering. He couldn’t stop laughing all the way from church. Our peculiar worshipping habits had given the guy a mother lode of material to mock as with. My friend and I were so embarrassed and annoyed we never talked the whole way home.

The lady who does my hair decided to ask me a few questions about “my people”

(Remember here I appointed my self a spokes person job. You all know I never mind my own business, I mean when there’s all other people’s business waiting for me to mind.lol)

Her husbands subscribes to one of those religious cults commonly found in western and Nyanza province in Kenya. They (the faithfully fellow worshippers) came into the house for a worship sessions and scared the hell into the poor girl. They were lighting candles, singing in unintelligible words and dancing around the house. The leader proceeded to drink water and spit on all of them and nearly ruined her new luxurious expensive weave with saliva and H20. Now the part that made her hackles rise was when she was asked to give her underwear so that they could pray for her and her husbands union to be cemented. She then opted out and her husband is now giving her the silent treatment.

I remember we argued with another young man who could not understand why I tithe. He said there was not way in hell (yes he said hell) he was going to give some pastor his hard earned money. According to him all pastors are lazy and want to live off their congregation. Eventually I got tired of his blasphemous jokes and moved on.

Did you know there are some Christians who do not believe in celebrating your birthday? According to them some woman ruined it when she asked an assassin to bring the head of a certain guy she wanted dead as proof of a job well done (they didn’t have polaroids then, you see). Now the head was presented during someone’s birthday and ruined it for everyone else. So you definitely know Christmas is also out of question. Blimey, Imagine no Christmas! I would die slowly every year especially if I have children who want to celebrate their birthdays like their friends do.

Some religions abhor eating meat. Imagine no juicy steak for you, no more nyama choma sunday afternoons.oh! I would die!

Some religions also don’t allow for postmortems, so if God forbid somebody efs you then we will never know the C.O.D ( I should stop watching them CSI series.LOL). There are those which do not allow blood transfusion so if again God forbid you should need blood, you will have to revise your will or cross your fingers and hope the grim reaper does not come for you.

When the bible said you cannot be equally yoked with an unbeliever, I think it was meant to warn us about being unable to be on the same page with non believers. Religion is very important. Your belief system affects how you relate with yourself and the rest of the world. It will influence how you raise your children. It literally dictates how we live every sphere of our lives so it will definitely affect everyone we live with especially the spouses.

The excuse I hear women use is that it doesn't matter, besides i don't go to church anymore ...blah ..blah ...blah. Thing is you never know when the long arm of the Lord will catch up with you or your spouse and you decided to take your spiritual life seriously.

This is especially crucial for women because they are the ones who are supposed to follow the man who is the head of the home. You need to ask yourself if you can subscribe to their way of worship. You have to be familiar with their beliefs and see if you can integrate it into every sphere of your life. Are you willing to chew the placenta? Are you willing to forgo the birthday? are you willing to go to that church that the preacher talks as if your are half deaf(never mind he has a microphone)? Do you want to go to the church they pray for a whole day?

Most women can fake their way out of anything but if your husband is a religious leader then there is definitely going to be a few hard questions you need to ask yourself. I don’t want to scare anyone but I just thought I would put it out there. At least you won’t say I didn’t warn you!

on having babies

Babies are cute. Babies are lovely. Almost every woman at one time has thought of having one. I have read a couple of blogs where a couple of young girls reckon they don’t want children, not now, not ever. I am never really worried because most of them later will have a change of heart, I can bet my life on it. 

 

There is something about babies that changes a woman. I have literally watched wild girls mellow after they get children. They discover that they have the capability to be responsible for another life other than their own. They are happy to have someone in their life that they love more than they love themselves. 

 

Most of the friends I have who are single are afraid of getting married because of the increasing divorce rate. My biggest fear is actually not being able to have children. It is one of the worst things to ever happen to a woman. There are many examples in the Bible like Rachel who told her husband “Give me a child or I will die” (Genesis 30:2). Imagine…someone threatening to die if she doesn’t get a baby. There is also Hannah (1 Samuel 1:1-17) who was so desperate for a baby that the Bible describes her as having ‘Bitterness of the soul”. There is bitterness and there is bitterness of the soul which comes about with being really miserable to the core of your being. Even Eli who was at the temple where she was praying thought she was drunk because she spoke in her heart: only her lips moved but no sound. The bible also says she even refused to eat (1 Samuel 1:8) that her husband who really loved her more than the other wife and did not hide it had to ask “am not I better to thee than ten sons?” But later when the priest promised her that she would soon get a child, the Bible says – the woman went her way and did eat, and her countenance (face) was no more sad- What a transformation! Abraham’s wife was also barren and thought her maid (Hagar) could give her a baby but she became jealous as soon as the baby came. 

 

These are just but a few examples at how bad a woman can want to have a baby and the lengths she will be willing to go to get it. We have heard of women stealing babies and even consulting witch craft. Some dubious preachers have even made a kill manipulating women who are barren. That’s just how badly a woman can want to have a child. It really is a big deal that young girls don’t seem to understand. I used to wonder why people who live in slums and are poor keep having babies despite the fact that there are clinics offering free family planning services besides they can’t even afford to take proper care of the children. Now that I have friends having children and seeing the joy children bring it all makes sense. When you have a young child there is so much joy and happiness that only a mother who has had a baby can understand. I remember reading on Caroline Mutoko’s fan page when she adopted her baby Theodore and I couldn’t help but be pissed at all the vitriol people where spreading all over the comment section. Some even had the gull to comment on the poor child’s photo just hateful stuff. Smh! What even depressed me more was when even women got on the hate bandwagon…seriously!!! When men were nasty I didn’t mind so much but when a fellow woman did, it was just down right nasty. I don’t see anything wrong with adopting a baby. Personally if I find out that am barren I will definitely adopt one in a heart beat. You can love an adopted baby just as you can love your own if not more. I would rather have a child adopted than have them raised in the orphanages where they are so many that it is hard to give them one-on-one attention. I have seen people give birth to children who they treat so badly that you wouldn’t know they are their flesh and blood. Theodore is really better off with Caroline as she can take good care of her and give her opportunities which most people can only dream about. Let’s say Caroline can’t have kids of her own (am not saying she can’t) but let’s say it was not possible, do you know how those comments are hurtful? I mean people get married to people who they are not related to and can love them with their all, why is it any different when it comes to loving an adopted child? 

 

If you do not have a child at a certain age, you will be despised by people as they interpret this as being selfish of you. I’m in my late twenties and already am receiving some kind of different treatment from people who don’t understand why at my age I do not have any children. I have also noticed that some of my married friends form cliques where they meet to bond over their having children. I remember one of my single friends telling me how when her pal gave birth everything changed. All their conversations is about her baby and how cute she is. Sometimes she calls to ask for advice and the conversation quickly changes into how her baby is doing. It has reached a point where all her friends avoid her because she just won’t shut up about her bundle of joy. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong about talking about your newborn; just don’t bore people with it especially those who don’t have kids. 

 

So ladies, there is nothing wrong with having a baby, it is hard work and all but at the end of it all it is really worth it. All I ask it that don’t rule it out yet! 

 

Ps. There are women who have been called to work in demanding jobs that having a child is not possible (Maybe not every one was meant to have a child) this post is not for you, but you are welcome to read it again.lol

jump the broom already!

This is the New Year and I know there are people who made resolutions despite the fact that I told them thatit was a bad idea. Who listens to me anymore? And because you are going to do what you want at the end of the day…F my opinions.

I’m pretty sure there are some of you contemplating getting married this year. Some of you have even arranged a proposal for valentines ,which is around the corner. Now for those who are still thinking whether they should jump the broom or not…well here is a few advantages which you might want to go through to help you make up your mind. I am no wedding expert, but I have plenty of married friends and I see the perks they enjoy that I don’t:

Prestige and honour
There is a certain respect given to married people that single people don’t enjoy especially women. Explains why there is so much negativity surrounding the word “spinster”. If you don’t believe me next time you go to a party where no one knows you, tell people you are married and see how differently they treat you from your single friends. It explains why women stay so long in abusive relationship, there’s still too much shame in being single and worse being divorced.

Married women treat their single friends with suspension. Some how people have gotten it into their heads that all single people do is sleep around and do God knows what! One of my pals always insists that I wash my hands and face before I do anything when I wake up in the morning in her house. She claims she doesn’t know where my hands have been. My mama always telling me not to touch our kid sister’s food...again, she doesn’t know where my hands and mouth have been. Surely! What do you people think single people do all day? gawd!

Anyway…once you are married your parents, pastor, friends etc will leave you alone. Because then, you will have done the grown thing which is seen as a sign of maturity.

Financial gain
This is where both spouses have a salary. His/her salary compliments your’s, you can even pull your resources together and make investments. You are able to divide expenses which ease the financial burden on the two of you.

Studies show that married men have more money in the bank than their single brothers. This is because they are more focused and want to secure their family’s future they slow down on buying luxury items. Now you know why mistresses love married men.

This explains why when people divorce some go into debt especially the women and are forced to sell some household items, personal assets, while some have to redeem some financial investments (but that’s not going to happen to you)

Some countries even tax couples on their joint salaries instead of separately hence the two can share the tax burden which means it eases the financial burden on both of them. Some countries even consider those who have dependants and makes considerations during tax filing which means single people with no responsibilities don't enjoy such breaks.

Health gains
You will have a life long companion, warm bed, boost immune system, live longer, less depression, improved self esteem, great meals/ eat healthier – assuming wify can cook. You will share problems and joys. This is why married people gain weight.

My favourite is the joint health cover offered by most employers. My married friends just flash mzee’s card and they get attended to at the doctor’s office. They have great dentists and give birth in awesome hospitals. My dental plan right now is to chew with the side that doesn’t hurt. But if I was married, I would have bleached my yellowing teeth(thanks to Nakuru water), maybe even get some braces to help my buck teeth…sigh!

Parenting/ raising kids is easier
Raising children is easier when both parents are around. It reduces the chances of children ending in divorce, helps break the divorce cycle.

They take turns in attending PTA meetings, sports, holidays etc when parent is at work. At least it is much easier than dropping the kids at the curb and speeding off when it is your Ex’s turn to be with them.lol.

Satisfying sex
Don’t believe the hype...married people have satisfying sex more than single people (notice I did not say great sex.lol).

Hebrews 13: 4 says “marriage is honorable among all and the bed undefiled”…which means there is no shame when having sex within the marriage union. Although some scholars argue that this verse doesn’t give couples the license to get too freaky and think anything goes…but that’s an argument for another blog post.

This is why you see when a married woman is pregnant she is proud but when a single person is pregnant more often than not they will try to hide it at first. There is shame in having pre-marital sex especially if it results into a love child.

Career growth
Married people are more likely to get faster promotions than singles. I remember at my old place of work there was one post with two candidates. It was given to one person who was married and every one was happy. Apparently married people need the extra money than the singles.smh!

Also knowing that people depend on you makes married people work harder and climb the corporate ladder to give their families and dependents a better life.

Religious benefits
God love marriage and sees it as a blessing hence the verse “he who finds a wife finds a good thing” or something close to that. (Notice they didn’t say he who finds a husband…LOL!) Guess marriage benefits the man more or???

Anyway getting married also have some blessing attached to it and other spiritual gains which am not really conversant with seeing as am not yet married!

So go on, put a ring on it my friend!

live and let live

I attended mostly Christian schools all my life.

I hate that phrase. ..all my life...sounds like I have lived for centuries.

So any ways am inclined to justify my belief system by referring to the Bible…which to be honest I don’t read as often as I should.

...I am a bad Christian…I am in the secret service army of the Lord...no its already taken by angels...
oh well!

Growing up we were told sex before marriage was bad and if a girl got pregnant… oh boy! did they let her have it. She became the warning sign for risky behaviour.

Unakaa nje mpaka saa hii? Unataka kupata mamba kama philgona?'was what our parents said over and over and over…you get the picture!

If the they abhorred heterosexual relations before marriage, imagine what they thought of gay people. Yes it was that bad. So bad that they had rules in my school that girls should not hold hands or walk together for too long. Imagine how we used to treat the new girls in school. If they tried to touch you. You’d turn ninja immediately and jump. It was actually amusing to watch.

I wish they knew the damage this did. I mean we didn’t even know what gay means being raised in the village and all until we met them.(By them I mean the school administration)

Infact they only taught us about ma-lesi (lesbians) and gay men I learnt much later in college.

This made me so self conscious that I could not hug a chic right…i used my hand as a buffer to prevent our breasts from brushing against each other because according to me I would go to hell.

I heard talks of gay boys being beaten up in boys high school. What’s worse was when they were “ caught in the act,” the younger one lied that he was raped to absolve all guilt he had.sad if you think about it. Its bad when we discriminate against gays but when they do that to each other it must really hurt.

Funny enough lesbianism isn't as frowned upon by the society as gayism in men. This if you ask me is another sort of discrimination.Like when i googled the male symbol it was easy to find and a little extra information on gayism. When i did the same for the lesbians i got very little(Just incase you are wondering why i chose to use the male symbols and left out the female symbols) In Kenya we keep talking about the poor boychild... and now i am worried for the poor gay boychild.

... what do i know...

I mean how was I supposed to accept that gay people are normal when some of the words we use implied they aren’t. you see when I say I am straight am implying a gay person is crooked. or am I thinking too much?

Personally I think what bothers people is what some gay guy called “the yuck factor”. As in we are grossed out by the thought of people of the same sex getting it on…as if heterosexual sex aint freaky too.

I remember this one time another preacher saying we should not have oral sex as the mouth is meant for eating…
...and am thinking my “pink Cadilla “ is for peeing too and
…come on you what imean.

no offence to anyone .o.k. yes offence.

im tired and my eyelids are getting heavier...tomorrow i promise i will get to the point...

PEACE.

i want to die

I got baptized in the year 2000 and it was one of the best moments of my life. I was pretty heavy back then.

again I don’t know the P.C. word they use for people who are fat nowadays.lol.

Had it not been for the very handsome deacon whose names escapes me now, we would probably have drowned.

I became a Christian and it was by my own choice no one pushed me to do it. I knew in my heart I wanted to live a better life than the one I was living and I could not do it alone.
I went back to school and sadly I didn’t change much. I still talked too much, cried too much,cussed like a sailor, ate too much...self control was a curse word in my vocabulary.

I started feeling like a fraud because I had promised during (mafundisho)

someone please translate this for me

that I would die to sin and live a new life in Christ but I wasn’t doing that. I was so hard on myself that up to date I haven’t gotten the courage to go and get my Baptism card. My pastor has been calling me and I keep coming up with excuses as to why I haven’t gone.

wonder if the Holy Ghost has snitched on me?lol.

It came to me in a dream(o.k. I was thinking about this verse in the bible, I cant remember it now but ill label it after I finish writing)that I needed to die. Not dying as in killing my self but stop catching feelings over irrelevant things. I want to stop being petty. I want to keep the most important stuff and ignore the irrelevant stuff.

Heck i need to grow the hell up.

During the days when humans gave God animal sacrifice only dead animals were placed on the altar. The altar is for dead people. When you are dead your not reactive, but rather its Jesus who lives in you. So just as the animal is dead on the altar so should we in terms of “worldly things””. Dead to jealousy, dead to anger, dead to negative criticism, dead to any form of corruption in our lives.

I now have a new resolution.Forget eating healthy, forget getting pregnant... I want to die. Believe me am going to die even if it kills me.lol

priests and wine

My family is Anglican but I have attended mostly the modern protestant churches all my life only breaking to attend the catholic church in high school (you see it was compulsory there) .

One thing about the churches is that they use non alcoholic wine or black current juice during Holy Communion. I recently accompanied my mother to the Anglican Church and she went to partake the Bread and Wine.

When she came back to sit next to me and whisper I could not believe my nose (or it my eyes). Her breath smelled of alcohol. Soon the whole room was reeking of alcohol, especially because it’s a very small church. Now it all made sense, back at school some of the “fathers” smelled of alcohol and fell asleep during mass. They were drinking alcohol in church (I hope I won’t get in trouble saying this).

I’m told that after mass some priest actually drink the left over wine. Some even become alcoholic because of this.SMH. My mum’s best friend is Catholic and she confirmed this. According to her “the priest is celebrating mass”. I mean what did I think ‘celebration’ meant? There’s so many things wrong with that sentence but I won’t go into it now. I wonder if they have “how not to get drunk while celebrating mass” units/subjects at the seminary.