PS- I scored the bridesmaid by Paul Howard

I have finished reading the second book.yay! This book had me at the title and I could not put it down. The suspense at the end left me wanting more too.  I read it in the toilet, in the matatu and even at the bank queue. It follows the style of “Huckleberry Finn” and “The Catcher in the Rye” whereby a young man is struggling to make a transition from being a boy into a man. The story follows the fictional character Ross journey as he prepares to marry his sweetheart Sorcha and struggles with making major decisions.

I always knew men were naughty but this book scared the shite out of me. You wouldn’t believe the mischief this husband-to-be and his best men are up to -sort of like in the movie “Hangover”. Like they have this thing where they sleep with many women and steal CD’s from their bedrooms. They call it the “Petty Pilfering championship” whereby the winner has to collect 50CD’s (they call it the P.P. collection) and choose one for the looser who is supposed to perform (karaoke) while standing in a bar.LOL

They actually judge women by the kind of music they listen to. Wow I didn’t know that some men do that! Sorcha, his girl friend even says she has been a little b*tchy lately which she blames on listening to a lot of Mary J. Blige OUCH! Ross reckons that the lady she stole from the Jessica Simpsons- in my skin CD has shite taste in music and shite taste in men. They can also tell the age of women by the kind of CD they listen to, like one of the best men stole “Elvis Presley gospel songs” from a 46 yr old woman hahaha. Apparently they do not discriminate. This gets Ross in trouble when one of the ladies he stole from put two and two together to blow their cover and goes onto rally up all the women to go to his house to collect their CD’s. It even gets funnier when one of the ladies slept with both Ross and his best man and she doesn’t know who stole which CD. Ross says it’s her fault for putting it out too much- WOIYE!

But at least a learnt of some artists whose music am not familiar with that I plan on checking out later and they include Michelle Shocked, Garth Brooks, The Nolans, Mary Chapin carpenter, Mark Owen, Danni Minogue, the lighthouse family,  and Ennio Morricone. See the great thing about books is that you learn from other cultures, talk about travelling around the world without a visa.

They pour liquor into the ATM machine; Ross even kills one of his lady friend’s pet and even try some spiritual stuff - am talking Ouija boards and communicating with the dead stuff. He tries to make a porno movie and even tries surfing yet he doesn’t even know how to swim and many dangerous stunts that readers should be advised not to try at home. On the advice of his girlfriend he gets on an Atkins diet and over indulges then ends up being unable to go for number two #icant.

The only issue I have with the book is that they use a lot of jargon that is familiar to the writer which one reviewer says only people from Dublin can understand. Like the word “Gaff” to mean house, million sheets for money, playing kool and the gang for being calm, scoops for liquor, seriously lost the plot for being crazy, top tens for breast and some acronyms like OTT, SP and PTS. 

They also break a lot of grammar rules that will drive the grammar nazis insane like writing words exactly how they pronounce it like goys for guys, porty for party, roysh for right, cor for car, orse for a**.I guess publishers are now flexible enough to allows some writers to be liberal with their language use. But the great thing is that one can easily infer from the story to get the meaning for words.

I would really recommend this book to any man who intends to get married and see what grooms go through during the planning of the wedding from bridezilla’s, getting money, proposing and letting go of the old bachelor life. I wish it could be adapted into a movie because it really is hilarious, I kept on laughing in the matatu that the passengers thought I had lost the plot (you know I had to use this here.lol)

Wall to wall

I woke up on Friday morning and I immediately knew that something was wrong. For one my hair was soaking wet in an afro and I was shivering. It turns out the previous night it had rained heavily and I left the window open so you now what happened. When it rains, it pours...sigh(no pun intended!) But that aside I had an awesome day, I visited Eastleigh, Mathare, Gikomba and some other centers whose names I can’t remember thanks to a good friend of mine who wanted to show me around. We ate some good pilau which can make you slap your mama (more like double b*tch slap your mama) at the “hotel De Chelsea” opposite that mosque in Eastleigh which put Mr. Balala on the spot some time back! There is also some mama who sells deep fried viazi with some sweet curry near the stage and it tastes so divine. And no I wasn’t paid to advertise.

So we finished off with Gikomba and came home with mud all the way to our knees. So my good friend tells me to go to her house and shower. Now all that was awesome until it came to the time when she gave me the knickers (or should I say what’s left of it). It seems she didn’t get the memo that I do not wear thongs unless they are going to my feet (read thong sandals). Now according to her she calls my knickers “wall to wall”.smh

Now people I think am about to give in to peer pressure. I done sold my soul to the devil. I have no spine...sob...sob. I decided to actually try it on. I think you need to sit down for this! So I put the stringy thingy on and I walked to her full length mirror and shock on my duodenum I looked like a Sumo wrestler. I shite you not! 

And don’t get be started on the uncomfortable feeling that you are walking with a permanent wedgie (how do chics do it?). Anyway I went home (using the dark shortcuts of course) and brave the draft blowing up my nether regions...sigh!

Self appointed Luo spokesperson

Not every Luo comes from Kisumu or Nyalgunga. Not every Luo loves fish. Not every Luo is a die hard fan of Gor Mahia. Not every Luo is a sycophant of every Luo Political leader (read R.A.O).  Not every Luo speaks the way Ondiek Nyuka kwota in ‘Vioja Mahakamani’ does or like Wilbroda in ‘Papa Shirandula’ talks (although she always gets the accent right especially considering she is not even from my tribe-great actress right there!) But I know I can talk till am blue in the face and some people will still not believe me.

For as long as I can remember I have always been a Luo spokeperson. And like Alfie, I seem to be putting my foot in my mouth anytime I try to tell them not all of us are bad. Not that I wanted the job but the constant attacks on some Luos has forced me to be a spokesperson. Well last week I found myself in a bathroom with some lady (Yes ladies always bond in the loo) when she found out I was Luo she started telling me how she hates R.A.O and how he should be the one heading to Hague and stuff. She was all up in my face and I didn’t even have a comeback for all the things she was saying. I could tell she was really agitated. To hear her talk you would think she was talking to RAO face to face. Imagine my horror when i later discovered she is actually from the Luo tribe! So the attacks are not limited to some non-luos but my very own fellow tribes men.

You also remember the damage the hooligans did during the Gor Mahia game.  (Yes! I said hooligans. Because if they were real fans they would have known how their behaviour would have affected the team negatively. Now thanks to them, the football team is locked out from some games which will definitely affect the morale of the team).  Before I could even take one breath, some ninja was busy tagging photos of the happenings during the game. He was writing on my wall about how “my people” are blah blah (insert offensive words here) how somebody died- [to hear him talk you would think I was the one who killed that person myself]…just generally spilling vitriol all over my fb wall.

Sometimes I wonder what they want me to do with the information they lay on me. Should I denounce my Luo tribe and remove the Luo blood that runs in my veins? Do they want me to admit that all of us are the same and not capable of thinking individually? Should I put R.A.O and all the Gor Mahia unruly fans on my knees and spank their bottoms? (I know I got huge thighs but I can’t spank all of them.lol) I swear if I knew how to make it better I would in a heart beat.

It has come to a point where every time R.A.O (or any of “my people”) is on the news I start doing kegel exercises hoping he doesn’t say anything controversial because my phone will start ringing. As usual they never disappoint in saying controversial stuff - mara nusu kapet, mara blanketi haifuniki matako, mara serikali inakojoa and recently he called our judiciary “mahakama bandia” and had to choke on humble pie the next day. Boy did my friend let me have it! Whatever he does is as good as if “we” all do it! Guilty by association! Don’t get me started on Anyang’ Nyong’o walking out on Lillian Muli smack in the middle of an interview or Otieno Kajwang’s “mapambano” anthem!

I was enjoying some peace and quiet for a few days and for a moment there I thought “my people” are on the straight and narrow then...BAM! Someone comes forward with information that someone wants to kill my dear Amolo Tinga- Owad gi Akinyi. (Do they want me to have a coronary thrombosis! Someone does not want R.A.O’s face to be on the fifty Shillings coin as soon as Konza city open its doors…sigh!) But back to my problems- what’s-her-face decided to tell me how baba is making up stuff about his alleged plot for assassination…blah…blah…blah! I couldn’t say anything because I do not know the intricate details of what transpired. I never take any sides until the results are out supported with evidence!

See what some people don’t understand is that being Luo is a calling like they usually write on them T-shirts. We back each other no matter what. We are really big on family. If one person makes it, he feels compelled to help his unfortunate brethren. That is why most Luo households are always large. I remember growing up we had so many relatives who I never really knew exactly how we are related to living with us but I was required to call them aunty, uncle or cousin. You will always find good ol’ mama adopting people left right and center. This one time she came home with some girl who was lost and trying to find her parents. We were all terrified we couldn’t sleep next a stranger, but mama was so excited chatting her up asking her about herself…truestory people, am not making these stuff up!

The great thing about this is that anytime you go somewhere and you meet another fellow Luo you become friends for life. I met some guy a few months back and it turns out he was taught by my grandma in primary school. When he described the speech granmama gave as he teared his a** up with the cane, I knew we were talking about the same person!LOL

If you are in trouble, you can always count on them to help you. It’s like there is this unwritten rule that every luo person is your brother or sister. The weird thing is that we like have a GPRS thingy in our system, you can always tell a luo within the first seconds of meeting. I always get amused when you meet a fellow luo and as soon as you say where you are from they quickly switch to dhogwa and all of a sudden in anyuola.LOL!

The down side however, is that if someone is destructive they drag you down with them, like the hooligans did when they ruined the match. Their behavior had a huge domino effect with series consequences for not only the team but the rest of football lover’s in Kenya.

Anyway in the mean I time, as I wait for a miracle, I continue to play therapist for all the people who b*itch about anything “my people” do. Whenever I find myself faced with the “interesting” confrontation, I just ask them how it makes them feel (You know the way they do in movies) and let them vent. I do this as I continue to pray that one day tribalism in Kenya will come to an end and people like me won’t have to keep being bombarded with what he said/she said! That a time will come when people will not be judged by his tribe or where he comes from. I wish I could ignore it, but you all know how I never mind my own business!

Ps. Now to those non-luo men who want to put milk in my cocoa and think the way to go about it is to wax lyrical about R.A.O…please stop…pretty please! But if you must pretend to like him to be on my good books, at least learn how to pronounce his name right and read up on his history (political career) so that at least you can blow me away with some knowledge. I don’t ask for much do I? o.k. thanks

Ta ta 

lovely people!

Why I think football is a Religion (cult is such a bad word)

I do not like football. Notice I did not say hate! So don’t you go misquoting me my lovely people lest am chased down the village with pitch forks and flaming torches by football fans. Its just that am love-challenged when it comes to watching football. I mean grown a** men and women running around a huge field dressed in shorts, jerseys, knee-length socks and spiky shoes chasing around a leather ball for ninety minutes doesn’t exactly sound like fun to me. But I totally respect the men and women who have dedicated their lives to perfecting their skills in this game. It takes a lot of time, dedication and sacrifice to do what they do (at least that’s what football lovers tell me)

With that said I have a confession to make. I went out with my gals a few days back and I was influenced to watch one football match. Young people don’t let them lie to you, peer pressure doesn’t end when you finish college or get older, it only gets worse...sigh!

So there I was tryna make sense of it all and failing miserably. Good thing one of my girls was also clueless so we decided to discuss other interesting things. Did you know that you can know what time it is by looking at someone’s shadow? No sh*t! At least that’s what my girl told me. So we spent the next ninety minutes of the game trying to guess what time it was in the country where the game was being played, whose shorts hugged them well and left little to the imagination*wink twice*, looking at  fans going crazy when they see themselves on the big screen thingy. Priceless! Don’t forget the referees’ reaction throughout the game. There is this one particular couch whose facial expression I like, I believe he is called Ferguson, but I call him Fergie. I especially love how he chews gum- makes my table manners not seem so bad.LOL.

But back to keeping the main thing the main thing. You must admit...football is freakishly becoming a religion in our country thanks to kina supersports being made available in every pub nowadays. I was good in C.R.E (who wasn’t) and scored a clean A in my K.C.S.E results but failed most of the other subjects and my parents asked me if I wanted to become a Reverend (but that’s a story for another blog post-remind me if I forget; my memory ain’t what it used to be my friends). Where was I...oh yes...the connection between religion and football!

 1. Belief in the supernatural and ultimate reality beyond human existence

They pray before the game and after the game. and yes lovely people, I was shocked to find that there are some supernatural things happening in the football world. One ati David Beckham can kick the ball and make it go in a curve which no other footballer can do. O.o! In fact there is even a movie based on this and some expression that i hear even rappers use (bend it like Beckham)- how cool is that? There are even some blogs where people try to explain scientifically how he is able to do that- i tried reading it but they lost me at the Magnus effect when my head started to hurt. Wait there’s more, am told there is someone by the name Jay Jay Okocha who when he kicks a ball it goes spinning very fast into the net such that the goalkeeper cannot touch it. Really???? You can even watch on YouTube how to kick the ball like these legends.

2. There is a moral code of ethics that dictates behaviour

There are a lot of do’s and don’t on the field. For instance, you cannot touch the ball with your hand seeing as this is clearly not handball. You cannot go into the opposing team without any opponents with you as it is considered as an “Offside”! Don’t ask me why!

3. They incorporate common emotional and intuitive human feelings

The game arouses “religious feelings” like sense of guilt, joy, adoration...depending on which team you are on. Have you heard the way men scream like banshees in the pub when someone scores, its deafening! And have you seen how people cry and sulk when they lose? So sad! I mean this is the only time men act all gay and they do not even care! Jumping on top of each other’s head, hugging, cupping each other’s faces n sh*t and kissing...yawa!

4. Affects lifestyle, fashion and trends

You see people wearing jerseys with their favourite team’s logo written on it. People even do their hairstyles by copying what their favourite footballer does just coz.LOL

5. Martyrs and sacrifices

You have heard of martyrs (btw way love how Americans pronounce this word) and suicide bombers right? People dying for the sake of their religion. right? Well believe it or not there have been a couple of people who have killed themselves in the name of the game. Every year hundreds of people also die in stampedes as fans struggle to get into the football arena- am thinking human sacrifice!

6. Rituals and celebrations

You definitely have seen the weird dances teams have for when they manage to score. You also know the tables they draft every year showing the way teams will play against each other. I believe they toss a coin...no...? ok I dunno! The various championship cups n stuff!

Book review

I was stuck in traffic a few days ago and a frightening thought came to my mind! I spend about one and a half hours to get to town, then the same going back home in the evening. So according to my calculations that is 3hours a day wasted chocking on people colognes and sweat in the mat. In a week that's 15 hours, in a month that's 60 hours... in a year that's 720hrs of my life spent doing nothing. So in a lifetime calculate the number of hours of your life spent stuck in traffic which , mark you, you will never get back!

So as a resource full person I decided to utilize this time by reading books and guess what i managed to finish a book of almost 300 pages in just a week. Now I look forward to getting into a matatu every morning and evening because at least I get some reading done. I had started slacking off but now am back on track. Too bad my kabambe has no dictionary so am forced to infer the vocabularies i come across...sigh!

I have also discovered some young men along Tom Mboya street who sell nice books at only 50bob. At first I thought they were tricking me so as soon as they gave me the book I ran all the way into the mat lest they follow me for some more(money, i mean). I'm just sad that they do not know just how expensive those books are in the bookshop. They are settling for less but am happy because at least I get to buy books with my lunch allowance. I have lost 4kg thanks to reading books #truestory. I went to the hospital yesterday and as usual they weighed me and asked me if i was preggers (but that's a story for another blog). I was shocked to find that I have started loosing the weight I had gained over Christmas. Now if only I can find my new years resolutions list which I had written last year...oh well!

The book I have just read is called 'When will Jesus bring the pork chops" by George Carlin. 

Just as the title suggests the writer mocks Christianity and other religions. He also says in the reviews that I have read that it was intentional as he wanted to irritate them. The cover also pictures him sitting where Jesus sat in the picture of the last supper with an empty plate and forks as if he is waiting for a second helping of food.

The book mostly mocks the American language which is famous for euphemisms. He reckons that Americans have gone soft as they try to feminize language. He thinks people are trying to run away from reality by hiding behind politically correct language. He doesn't spare anyone in his sarcastic words from politicians, the hotel industry, schools, relationships and yes even religion. Like when they use words like Issues instead of saying problems, mentally handicapped for crazy people, differently abled for being slow,Severe appearance deficit for being ugly,full-figured for fat people. 

He wonders if eventually we will have to change the phrases that use these words eg it's not over until the full-figured woman sings, In the kingdom of the blind(visually impaired), the one-eyed man(partially-sighted person) is king, an eye for an eye renders all of us visually impaired.

You can read his quotes in  When will Jesus bring the pork chops-Quotes to get a feel of what the book is all about. I must warn that if you don't have the stomach for all the vitriol atheist spew you will be really offended by the book so brace yourself. In my opinion I think he is funny and wonderful to read with a dark sense of humour. Think Fahreed Khimani (of X-Fm Radio) and Holden Caulifield ( fictional character in "The Catcher in the Rye") but only on ten pints of "grandpa's cough medicine" lol. 

The book has been broken down in sections sort of like a compilation of blog posts with a running theme from beginning to end. Its best for people who hate those looooong books that have to be read all at once in order to make sense of it all. It gives you the option of reading the topics you like and ignore the once you do not care about. Anyways if you read it be sure you will be entertained!

ta ta 

lovely people!

ps for those who hate reading there is an audio version of it on Youtube.

Don’t you dare talk about her you @&*$@+*%

I was talking to a young man who thought that we are destined to be together but (there’s always a but), there was this little 64 kg problem…he had a girlfriend! As if that wasn’t the bad enough, he had the gull to start talking trash about her. He figured in his small mind that if I knew how miserable he was in his relationship I would be on board and Sympathy-date him.smh!

If there is one thing I hate more than badly cooked food, is people who bad mouth people who they are still dating. If you are so miserable why don’t you leave already! I wish I could say I hate it because of my feminist side but its not. It’s for selfish reasons! I usually think to myself if he is talking about her behind her back, what will stop him from talking about me when we get together? I am very anal about it; I have friends I don’t talk to because of this behavior especially when I discovered the other person is not even aware of their dissatisfaction in the relationship. As soon as those words come out of your mouth, I run for the hills!

What got my goats was when the ninja was saying how stupid she was, she was a gold digger, she was a hoe…blah …blah …blah...yuck …yuck …yuck…I wanted to rip out my uterus and choke him with it nkt! What even got my goats and melted my cheese was when I found out they had been going out for two years!!!! Dude it took you two years to know babygal is stupid? What does that say about your IQ though?

Or those people who are dating married men for years hoping that would leave their wives. He uses words like ‘my wife doesn’t love me, she let her self go, she doesn’t satisfy me in bed’, to reel you in. I have even sat with chiqs claiming how better they are in bed than their sugar daddy’s wife, how they make him happier than their wives ever could and I almost want to slit my wrist or drink bleach and die. I mean are some people retarded? If he is so unhappy, why is he still married? How do you know all this things are all true? Have you heard the wives version? I mean how do you know if he is not lying just to get your sympathy?

All mistresses need to understand and get it into their thick skulls that the chances of the married guy leaving their wives for you are very slim. And if they do leave their wives the chances of them going for another woman after you is even higher. He is wasting your time especially if you ever hope to settle down and get kids. By the time you realize he is never going to leave wifey the men your age would have moved on and you will be forced to move on to another married man. It’s very hard to leave that life of being kept once you start.I'm sue no woman wants to spend the rest of her life jumping from one married men to another, it will eventually get old!

But because as usual no one ever listens to what I say…go ahead babygal, do your thing. But for crying out loud don’t talk about the poor wife/girlfriend, whose only mistake was falling in love with “your man” before you did. She may not even know that Mr. McDreamy is unhappy with her…sigh!

ps.in a totally unrelated topic-please ladies if you are going to cut your work jacket into a boyfriend jacket do it properly. im tired of seeing jackets with one sleeve longer than the other!smh