How to spy on your boo

Ladies we were put on this earth to put men in check. Left to their own devices they would only get into mischief. You don’t believe me? O.k who invented the aeroplane? Men (Wright brothers), Electricity? Thomas Edison. Who discovered the earth wasnt flat? Galileo. You see how men are always out there putting their lives in danger trying to discover stuff! That’s why I believe women on earth to yank men back to reality everytime their imagination wants to run away with them.

Today I’m gonna tell you how to spy on his mischievous ass. Let you not be caught by surprise ati your man has been up to no good. Ninjas are guilty until they are declared innocent. Hell all boys are born guilty. I mean everybody knows that! As Tasha smith’s character in For better or for worse- always says; Trust but verify.lol

If your man is acting all hinky then you definitely know something is up. Whether he is cheating, abusing drugs and alcohol,  into porn etc. I got you. I’m gonna tell you how to call his bluff! Don’t buy that I’m-reading-porn-magazines-for-the-articles or I’m drinking as a sociological experiment. Or he is keeping the heroin for a friend. Yeah right! That mess is for the birds.

Here we go...

Sniff,sniff!

In the book Love in the time of cholera one woman found out his man was cheating when doing his laundry and found his clothes smelling different. Now ladies you gotta look out for any foreign smell. I’m sorry ladies for those who have poor sense of smell. Sometimes side hoes usually want to be relevant and the only way to do this is to leave souvenirs with the philandering dude. Check the car, his pockets for any unusual things like say hotel receipts.

Missing items

If you can trace their shirts, socks, ties,watches etc that you bought him... Houston we have a problem. Like in the movie Unfaithful when a cheater was caught after a lover found a gift he bought for his wife in the new lover interest’s house. Worry when he comes home with new stuff regularly.

You gotta be OCD sista girl

In the TV series necessary Roughness some dude was caught cheating because he had sex with a woman in their house and he didn’t make the bed the way his wife makes it. So ladies if you suspect that your man is bringing his hoe around the house look out for things out of place.

The camera is your friend

My neighbour always leaves her webcam on when she goes to work. It helped her find out when someone got into the house and stole stuff. If it can help her then it can damn well help you catch dufus up to no good. So if you have a computer, you know what to do.

Popular hiding places

If your man maybe conscious that you are onto to him and he may start to hide stuff like cigarette, alcohol etc so that you do not find out what is up. Now guys like hiding stuff in the medicine cabinet, brief case, deep freezer (don’t ask) sock drawers, shoe box, closet, study table and coat pockets. You may want to check them out.

Suprise!!!

In the movie diary of a mad black woman the lady discovers his man is having an affair when she makes a surprise visit to his office. If you suspect something is up make a surprise visit to his place of work and pretend you want to buy him lunch. If possible always attend their office parties and make friends with the ladies because they will give you a heads up. And if you are unable to have a rapport with his female work mates, don’t worry. If there is a lady there he has his sights on you will notice it in his body language.

Check the vehicle

If you suspect he has been driving around the night to smoke, drink or do whatever then the car is your best friend. You can check the car track system and if your car is "tired" just touch the bonnet if its warm then you know baby boy had left the house.

Ambush the big mouth friends

Some how in every circle of friends there is always that friend who will spill the legumes. In Scandal Mrs. Grant was able to know that his man was up to no good by interrogating the body guards. I’m pretty sure one of your husbands friends can be made to sing like a canary. You just need to get some leverage.

Recycle bin

If you are worried that he is checking out sites where he shouldn’t or chatting up some sexy lass online then track his internet history. For those of you who are brave you can create a new profile and add him as friend and check his updates on line (horrible I know, whoever said spying was easy).You can also check his documents and downloaded items for any unusual activities. The funny thing is that most men will delete shit from their computers but forget to delete them permanently from the recycle bin. I have checked out a couple of my male pals recycle bin and they got me lolling all day. And make sure to check out his folders with funny sounding names.

Paper trail

Look out for strange receipts in the house, car, briefcase, dresser, wallet etc. If you share an account check his bank statements and credit card expenditure for any unusual purchases. By unusual expenditure could include hotel receipts, jewellery, dinners.

Phones- best thing since sliced bread

This lady was telling me yesterday how her man lied that he was in Nairobi yet there was this chicken which kept on croaking in the background. That’s when he confessed that he was somewhere else and not in Nairobi. So when you call your man and he is lying about where he is just listen to the background. If you hear, “glasses clucking and loud music you will know he is down at the club up to no good.

There are these phones which you can record phone call conversations so if your man has one then yippee. Some phones are also made in a way that if you look at delivery messages they show part of messages which have been sent hence you will able to know the kind of info your man is sending out there. Ladies always have this habit of checking inboxes. Thats bull, you do not really have control over what people send you(those of you on whatsappwill testify to this). Now what you should worry about is what is in the outbox.

Call Tyrone 

If all fails I cant help you just call Shiko Muiruri already! But first before I teach you this stuff which I’m sure breaks a couple of laws, I must tell you something. Snooping on your lover is only for those who want out of the relationship and need proof of bad behaviour. If you have no intention of leaving your lover there is no point because it will make things worse for you. He will lose trust in you and worse get better at hiding his indiscretions. Like Sherlock told Watson in Elementary- once you start this business of snooping, its hard to stop.

And men whatever happens when caught pants down always deny everything at least until them polaroids surface and even then make sure toclaim they have been digitally enhanced- you know with the photo shop and all. And no! In this case the truth will not set you free. The truth only sets the other person free- free to leave your lying ass! Don’t believe that bull. Denial aint just a river in Egypt honey!

King of the Jungle my *ss

I love tripe (matumbo for some of you). I especially love the fact that my kid bro hates matumbo or any food that squishes in the mouth from avocadoes to fatty meat. The more for me! I was talking to my bff and she told me she doesn’t eat matumbo too. According to her it has no nutritional value and it looks weird on the plate. I wasn’t really tryna hear her bad mouth the mouthwatering matumbo until she added- besides even lions do not eat matumbo. O.O She basically implied that even the lion was clever than me for not eating matumb. Gah!

This got me curious about the lion so I decided to read up on the interesting creature and what I found out shocked my duodenum. I think you better sit down for this. First of all I don’t understand how the lion came to be called the king of the jungle. It’s the second largest animal in the cat family after the Tiger. I mean they couldn’t just declare the Tiger the king? What got my goats is that the lion doesn’t even live in the jungle; it leaves in the plains and grasslands!

Wait! It gets worse. The lion doesn’t even hunt that much! The Lioness does all the hunting in the pack. The lazy *ss lion sleeps between 16-20hrs. It spends ¾ of its life just sleeping away while the poor lioness slaves away. Now if the lioness takes too long to bring his dinner, the lion is known to steal food from other animals such as the hyena and leopard. One of its hunting tactics is to literally bitch slap the prey. Apparently it has huge paws that deliver a blow which can break the zebra’s back.  It couldn’t be bothered to run after no prey. Aint nobody got time for that!

Now even after the lion has gotten its meal either by stealing or waiting for the lioness to hunt it doesn’t even chew its food. It swallows the meat pieces in chunks. Chewing food is for the birds (wait does the bird chew its food?) whatever! The lion doesn’t even let the fragile cubs go first. After the lioness has brought the prey, he has to go first then the lioness then the cubs that will then leave the rest to the scavengers (eg hyenas, vultures). The lion eats the best parts too like the heart, kidneys and liver. Only the best,  for the king of the jungle.

During the mating season the lion and the lioness will often go without food for sometime. I thought being the king; he would know how toA multitask or at least keep his female in check. But that would be too much to ask of the king of the jungle. It has been observed that when the lioness is on heat it will mate with more that one male. I knew the lioness was sneaky, hunting for the cubby daddy (lion equivalent ofbabby daddy)so he doesn’t know she is doing the dirty out there. Do your thing lioness, I ain’t mad at you gurl.lol

You would think with all the sleeping the lion does it would have some latent energy for future hunts but alas! When the lion walks his heel does not touch the ground; it gets its swag on y’all! Like he is too cool to walk on the dirt! Now to mark his territory, the lion will go pissing all over the place so that the other strange lions know what is up!

You know I thought the lion being the king of the jungle and all, it wasn’t afraid of anything. Would you believe the greatest threat to the lion is… wait for…it- the PORCUPINE! So much for the king of the jungle. 

Look at him!Looking all debonair nshit! nkt!

No the one who drunk, doesn't drink!

I was blog whoring a few days ago when I came a cross a post by an irate young man. From what I gathered this young man used to be a man whore then decided to change his ways- which is commendable if you ask me. Now the trouble is that people around him don’t believe that he has really changed. They keep teasing him and giving him a time frame in which they expect him to go back to his old ways. Every time they see him with a woman they assume it’s another conquest which scares away the potential girlfriends. And from his angry post I’m pretty sure he has had enough.

Now I am not surprised at how people around him are treating him, I’m surprised at how in his mind he assumed he would just segue from a philandering ass to a good boy just like that and all would be forgiven. He thought there would be a long line of people waiting to pat him on the back or give him glucose or some shit like that for seeing the light.  Like we they going to forget all the lies, broken promises and trail of broken hearts he left in his wake.  All the abortions he paid for and the marriages he ruined. The illegitimate kids whose child support he absconds every month. Ati his guy friends were going to forget how he used to brag about how he could get any chiq he wanted.

If like me you have effed up big time in the past, you very well know that the consequences are invariably there. Some mistakes you can take back but most you can’t. I’m talking alcoholism, adultery, criminal activities etc. Do not blame the people around you for being suspicious of your intentions. It’s very hard to break some habits and even harder for people to believe one can change. For example when the police are looking for any criminal who is fresh out they always go to his old hiding place or look up his old mates. It’s just one of those things that make you understand how rare it is to find people change for the better. I remember in the TV series The Unit one man was asked if he believes people can change and he replied, “I don’t believe it but I've seen it. Meaning even after seeing people change right before his eye he still doesn't believe it.

The hard part is not even shedding off the bad boy image, its trying to convince the people around you- especially the ones you have hurt- that you have really changed. When you have a past it doesn't go away. The secret is to concentrate on living your life and letting your actions speak for you. Stop trying to win over your critics and stay on the straight and narrow. Live your life and forget the naysayers. Not everyone is going to be your cheer leader or excited about your new path. It may require you to lose some of your old friends who are all up in your ear telling you what to do.

The ones you have hurt may forgive you but not necessarily forget. Your past mistake could be that elephant in the room which some may use as a weapon when they want to hurt you. Proving yourself especially after you have broken some promises in the past is both tiring and pointless. You can talk till your blue in the face but it still won’t mean shit.  If you have watched the movie Transit you can see how a mistake a father did in the past almost cost him his family. The character gets involved into a mistaken identity scenario and when he tries to explain his wife doesn't believe him and it almost gets them all killed.

Be ready for there are some who will throw it in your face that you messed up. Don’t let it deter you or make you get off the wagon. Now go forth and do good and for crying out loud stop trying to explain yourself!