King of the Jungle my *ss

I love tripe (matumbo for some of you). I especially love the fact that my kid bro hates matumbo or any food that squishes in the mouth from avocadoes to fatty meat. The more for me! I was talking to my bff and she told me she doesn’t eat matumbo too. According to her it has no nutritional value and it looks weird on the plate. I wasn’t really tryna hear her bad mouth the mouthwatering matumbo until she added- besides even lions do not eat matumbo. O.O She basically implied that even the lion was clever than me for not eating matumb. Gah!

This got me curious about the lion so I decided to read up on the interesting creature and what I found out shocked my duodenum. I think you better sit down for this. First of all I don’t understand how the lion came to be called the king of the jungle. It’s the second largest animal in the cat family after the Tiger. I mean they couldn’t just declare the Tiger the king? What got my goats is that the lion doesn’t even live in the jungle; it leaves in the plains and grasslands!

Wait! It gets worse. The lion doesn’t even hunt that much! The Lioness does all the hunting in the pack. The lazy *ss lion sleeps between 16-20hrs. It spends ¾ of its life just sleeping away while the poor lioness slaves away. Now if the lioness takes too long to bring his dinner, the lion is known to steal food from other animals such as the hyena and leopard. One of its hunting tactics is to literally bitch slap the prey. Apparently it has huge paws that deliver a blow which can break the zebra’s back.  It couldn’t be bothered to run after no prey. Aint nobody got time for that!

Now even after the lion has gotten its meal either by stealing or waiting for the lioness to hunt it doesn’t even chew its food. It swallows the meat pieces in chunks. Chewing food is for the birds (wait does the bird chew its food?) whatever! The lion doesn’t even let the fragile cubs go first. After the lioness has brought the prey, he has to go first then the lioness then the cubs that will then leave the rest to the scavengers (eg hyenas, vultures). The lion eats the best parts too like the heart, kidneys and liver. Only the best,  for the king of the jungle.

During the mating season the lion and the lioness will often go without food for sometime. I thought being the king; he would know how toA multitask or at least keep his female in check. But that would be too much to ask of the king of the jungle. It has been observed that when the lioness is on heat it will mate with more that one male. I knew the lioness was sneaky, hunting for the cubby daddy (lion equivalent ofbabby daddy)so he doesn’t know she is doing the dirty out there. Do your thing lioness, I ain’t mad at you gurl.lol

You would think with all the sleeping the lion does it would have some latent energy for future hunts but alas! When the lion walks his heel does not touch the ground; it gets its swag on y’all! Like he is too cool to walk on the dirt! Now to mark his territory, the lion will go pissing all over the place so that the other strange lions know what is up!

You know I thought the lion being the king of the jungle and all, it wasn’t afraid of anything. Would you believe the greatest threat to the lion is… wait for…it- the PORCUPINE! So much for the king of the jungle. 

Look at him!Looking all debonair nshit! nkt!

No the one who drunk, doesn't drink!

I was blog whoring a few days ago when I came a cross a post by an irate young man. From what I gathered this young man used to be a man whore then decided to change his ways- which is commendable if you ask me. Now the trouble is that people around him don’t believe that he has really changed. They keep teasing him and giving him a time frame in which they expect him to go back to his old ways. Every time they see him with a woman they assume it’s another conquest which scares away the potential girlfriends. And from his angry post I’m pretty sure he has had enough.

Now I am not surprised at how people around him are treating him, I’m surprised at how in his mind he assumed he would just segue from a philandering ass to a good boy just like that and all would be forgiven. He thought there would be a long line of people waiting to pat him on the back or give him glucose or some shit like that for seeing the light.  Like we they going to forget all the lies, broken promises and trail of broken hearts he left in his wake.  All the abortions he paid for and the marriages he ruined. The illegitimate kids whose child support he absconds every month. Ati his guy friends were going to forget how he used to brag about how he could get any chiq he wanted.

If like me you have effed up big time in the past, you very well know that the consequences are invariably there. Some mistakes you can take back but most you can’t. I’m talking alcoholism, adultery, criminal activities etc. Do not blame the people around you for being suspicious of your intentions. It’s very hard to break some habits and even harder for people to believe one can change. For example when the police are looking for any criminal who is fresh out they always go to his old hiding place or look up his old mates. It’s just one of those things that make you understand how rare it is to find people change for the better. I remember in the TV series The Unit one man was asked if he believes people can change and he replied, “I don’t believe it but I've seen it. Meaning even after seeing people change right before his eye he still doesn't believe it.

The hard part is not even shedding off the bad boy image, its trying to convince the people around you- especially the ones you have hurt- that you have really changed. When you have a past it doesn't go away. The secret is to concentrate on living your life and letting your actions speak for you. Stop trying to win over your critics and stay on the straight and narrow. Live your life and forget the naysayers. Not everyone is going to be your cheer leader or excited about your new path. It may require you to lose some of your old friends who are all up in your ear telling you what to do.

The ones you have hurt may forgive you but not necessarily forget. Your past mistake could be that elephant in the room which some may use as a weapon when they want to hurt you. Proving yourself especially after you have broken some promises in the past is both tiring and pointless. You can talk till your blue in the face but it still won’t mean shit.  If you have watched the movie Transit you can see how a mistake a father did in the past almost cost him his family. The character gets involved into a mistaken identity scenario and when he tries to explain his wife doesn't believe him and it almost gets them all killed.

Be ready for there are some who will throw it in your face that you messed up. Don’t let it deter you or make you get off the wagon. Now go forth and do good and for crying out loud stop trying to explain yourself!

Interesting columnists

Below are some of the columnist I read regularly. Please check them out when you find the time- and no they didn’t pay me to advertise:

1. JACKSON BIKO – MAN TALK

I love his column because he is entertaining and I get to see things from the male perspective. And this ninja has a way with words! He can be talking about something like weaves and still managed to make you laugh.

2. AKINYEMI WALE – CHANGE TALKS

This writer is very motivating and his column is best suited for those who are looking to improve themselves. He is not one of those irritating feel-good writers but he gives practical advice that would actually help when applies in one’s life. His column is on the Friday DN.

3. CHRISTOPHER HART – MEN AND WOMEN

This columnist gives very sound advice on relationship that can prove very useful for the young and old alike. I have watched a couple of his interviews on telly and he looks like a guy who has a good head on his shoulder. I believe you can take his word on most issues. I especially enjoyed last weeks topics on why you should avoid dating married men.

4. KATE GETAO- FLAKES

I have been reading her column since forever. She is just too funny. She sounds like a well travelled and well read women. If I ever get to become a columnist I would love to write just like her. I also like the fact that she has a deep knowledge of the bible and occasionally throws in some bible truths in her articles in a way that is not offensive to the non-believers. If you find the time read her last weeks column on ‘The new tourism’. Too funny!

5. MUNGAI KAHINYA- WORLD OF FIGURE

I never liked maths during my days in school but Mr.Mungai has a way of making mathematics fun. I remember his articles on calculations about the Phone billing methods and the payment of PAYE and I was blown away. I especially enjoyed his column yesterday about the words ‘most’ and ‘majority’. This is because I had the same argument with my students a few days ago about the meaning of the word ‘many’.

6. SUNNY BINDRA- SUNNY DAY

I wish I could find the right words to express just how much I enjoy Mr. Bindra’s articles. He is so passionate about Kenya. Just like his name he brings sunshine into my Sunday evenings. He is so optimistic and has so much hope and dreams that I wish he could put it in a bottle and sell it. I follow him on twitter and his tweets are always about growth and getting things done the right way. I have taken some of his advice and I can testify they have proven quite valuable to me. I also like the fact that he provides links to his articles via his twitter handle so you have no excuse for not reading his column.

7. PHILIP OCHIENG – MARK MY WORD

I love his mastery of many languages and how he can compare the use of different words in German, French, English and even in his native dholuo. He has inspired me to read more and learn about other languages apart from the ones I already know. I’m sure if he read this post he would cringe at some of the mistakes I have made. He even corrects some of the articles that some of our journalists write in away that you can’t even get offended. A few days ago I got the chance to hang out with some friends and somehow the topic came to him and I was happy to find people who read his column.

8. LITERARY DISCOURSE, FACE-TO-FACE, BOOK REVIEWS

These columns are found in the Saturday nation whereby they interview writers and do reviews on books, magazines and other kinds of literature. They feature articles from various writers such as Prof Egara Kabaji, Evan Mwangi and Julius Sigei. In this column they also features the feedback from the readers giving their reactions to previous articles which I think is cool! They have also featured famous writers such as David Mulwa, Prof Austin Bukenya, Mwangi Gicheru, John Kiriamiti, Ayi kweyi Ahmah, Taban Lo Liyon, Nuruddin Farah and Wole Soyinka among others. If you are an avid reader you will want to read this column religiously- I know I do.

9. CLAY MUGANDA- CLAY COURT

One thing I admire about this writer is his guts. He speaks his mind and woe unto you if you are easily offended. He tells it as it is and he is brutally honest. He says those things most people feel but dare not say. Some of his articles make me uncomfortable because they say what I don’t want to hear but I need to hear. I have to warn you that he is an acquired taste and if you are sensitive some of his articles might offend you. There have been quite a number of critics who have written very unsavory things about this writer in various blogs but he still soldiers on.

I guess now everyone knows which newspaper I subscribe to!