Do you boo!

This is going to be a long post. So if you need to go susu or drink water or gossip with the neighbor or whatever… go do that first then come back. Because I want your undivided attention, because I’m needy like that. Sue me.

I never really make New Year’s resolutions because most of the time I won’t actually do them. And if I do I will do just enough to tick it off the list to make myself feel better. Plus it’s too much pressure. So why bother? There was this time when Amani was being interviewed and she said that she makes resolutions on her birthday. This way they are more personal. Which is pretty cool if you ask me.

This year I did something that I swore I would never do. So because everybody was making these elaborate New Year plans, I got sucked into the bandwagon and I caved. I decided that I was gonna eat healthy this year. I mean I’m not growing any younger and sooner or later my metabolism won’t be as cooperative as it is right now. Normally we are advised to consult a nutritionist before embarking on the journey to healthy eating but yours truly didn’t do that. Because why? Because nobody *clap* tells*clap* me*clap* what*clap* to*clap* do.

What did I do? I’m glad you asked. I was drinking more water, avoiding soda and all junk food. Basically doing stuff I’ve heard fitness/health gurus harp on about in the interwebs. Being the good sport that I am, I threw in some fruits too. Everybody knows when you wanna be healthy, fruits are the bidness. 

My skin actually improved which gave me the motivation to continue. You should have seen me running in the field with the students. I was on a roll baby!!! I was actually getting fitter (can I say that?) than I’ve ever been in years. Or so I thought!

Fast forward to a few months later. I wake up one morning feeling feverish. Like I had been hit na gari ya Miraa. Everything hurt. My head, shoulders, knees, duodenum and toes. I assumed it was malaria because I live in Homa Bay County and it’s the common disease here. By ten I was now shaking and feeling nauseous... one of my colleagues called a boda boda (chauffeur from some of you) to take me home after the school nurse had given me some drugs. I took the drugs then went to bed .Aint nothing like a good nap to cure an ailing body , right?

Wrong! At 7pm I wake up and I think I’m dying and I call my pal to take me to the hospital. I wouldn’t want to die in the house only for the neighbour's cat to feed on me before I’m discovered days later. It can happen man, I saw it in a horror movie once. lol.

We get to the hospital and I’m asked for my AON card I don’t have it. The medical scheme for teachers was launched tene but I just never knew how important it would be until now. 

Teachers are so awesome they are insured twice by the government.(Don’t hate me coz you aint me)   

My pal asks me if I have my NHIF card or just the number and I can’t remember. For some reason I couldn’t remember anything. I didn’t carry shit. Just my very sick self. My friend is livid and I can see him seething with rage because now he will have to pay for everything in cash. Imagine even before the doctor says ‘hi!’ to you, you have to part with “consultation’ fee.

“You can’t be sick and stupid at the same time. Pick a struggle” .

OK! he didn’t say these words but I know he was thinking it.

After paying I’m sent to this room to have my pressure checked then later get on the weighing scale. I wasn’t worried because knew all the measures I had in place ensured that I maintain my weight. I get on the scale and to my horror I’ve added 5 frigging kgs.  Now it was not only my body hurting but my soul too. After all the discipline I exercised in staying healthy this is what I get? The diet gods must be against me. I sweater gawd my ancestors forgot to make one sacrifice. Lol  . At this rate I will look like Winnie the pooh wearing a t-shirt by the end of the year.

I’m told to wait for the doctor and he finds me seated with my head in my hands looking like something the cat drugged in while in my flimsy night dress and hair(ok it was a weave. But its still mine.i bought it. i got receipts to prove it) all over the place. 

And just when I think the day couldn’t get any worse they send in a youngin, fresh from college to come and examine me. When you meet a fine man you want to look your best not like a homeless person. I’m not Beyoncé , can’t go out with my I-woke-up-like-this face. If you squint a wee bit he looks like Denzel Washington. I explained my symptoms to him calmly wishing he would stop looking at me straight in the eye.

Wait. My day got even worse. I thought he would just take my temperature and tell me to open my mouth and say “aaah” ,but noooo? He tells me to lay on the bed for an examination. 

Why lort, why? 

Then now I start getting nervous because I’m tryna remember if I wore good underwear. Grandma always insists that we wear good underwear. Now I know she was preparing me for a day like this. I don’t know why for the love of anything sacred I could not remembered the underwear I wore. This disease must have gotten into my head.

I’m now praying that it’s the good one. I look down and luckily it’s the good one. Then he starts feeling up my lower abdomen.

 ( the closest I have come to action in a long time). lol

I tell him I aint preggers. He tells me when treating a woman my age, they gotta rule out pregnancy. Here we go again. I tell him I'm not pregnant and if I were I would know. He realizes there is no need arguing with miss-know-it-all. He continues doing his thing like I don’t even exist.

Young people these days!! Living with my Luo peeps has taught me one thing. They have no time for being politically correct (pun so intended). They tell it as it is. A while back I had a skin infection and the doctor told me to my face “madam wega ruako mtumba”. He durn heart my heart and bruised my ego mayne. I cant buy couture on a teacher’s salary. Mitumba is life.

Anyhu long story short- they do a couple of blood test. And guess what was ailing me? Frigging ulcers. Apparently I’m not supposed to eat all fruits as someone who has ulcers.and a bunch of other things which i ate in my quest to have a beautiful alimentary canal.

Eating healthy has now turned into a night mare. It durn near killed me. Moral of the story, dieting sucks- let nobody tell you different. If they do, punch them in the throat. You don’t need that negativity in your life chile. Eat what you want, when you want boo. Do you chile!

Ta ta lovely people!

Look what I found!

I was watching a movie when I heard the song dont keep heaven busy and I really loved it. I decided to look for it and ended up finding the duo that make up the band Johnny swim. I never finished the movie and spent the rest of the day watching their music videos and I think I have fallen in like with the duo. I sweater gawd I don't even remember the title of the movie I was watching. Yes, their music was that good.

Johnnyswim band is made up of husband and wife (Amanda Sudano and Abner Ramirez.)

Aren't they just adorable?

They have  so much chemistry and it's a delight watching the two perform. Watching their interviews, you feel their love and dedication to their love and music. It's contagious, leaves you feeling all warm inside.

My favourite songs are Adelina, Bonsoir, Heartbeats, Dont keep heaven, Diamonds.

Please segue over to their videos and tell me what you think.

P.S. Amanda is the daughter of the legendary "Donna Summer". (Remember her song hot stuff?).  As beautiful as her mama.

Whodunit movies give me the feels

I love whodunit movies. I have loved them for as long as I can remember. My sister @fuegocassey thinks it's kinda gross especially those that involve blood and gore. And this is funny because I actually hate super horror movies like Final destination. I never watched them all the way to the end. plus they give me nightmares..

I remember when we were young we used to watch Inspector Derrick and loved it. One of the parents at my school told me that she loved the show so much that she named her son Derrick. I told my brother we look for the Derrick movies are re-watch it but he refused. He figures that if we watch it now it wouldn't be as fun now as it was then. Like when I watched re-runs of the old Bond movies on KTN a few months ago and they were hilarious with the corny parts.

I especially enjoy those that involve detectives who are eccentric like Holmes in Elementary and Jane in Mentalist. It makes it more interesting. It doesn't hurt if the writer throw in a little romance like Castle. If the writers throw in a little mystery surrounding the detectives then I'm sold.

I don't know why I like to torture myself though. Like in white clollar I wanted to know what Moss did for a living so bad.  It was confusing really. The only reason why I continued watching How I Met Your Mother was because I wanted to know more about Barney and how he made money. Boy did the plot torture me for months. I bet there is a psychologist out there who can probably come up with a reason why I love these movies so much. I just hope they don't turn me into a criminal though just because now I know how to make your death look like an accident. lol

Anyways the following are a few awesome whodunit movies that I have watched feel free to add a few because I'm looking for the new ones to obsess over.

Castle
Elementary
The mentalist
Criminal Minds
lie to me
Alias
Law and order
Ncis
Bones
Persons of interest
Whitecollar
Blue Bloods
CSI-
Crossing lines
Burn notice
Covert affairs
Leverage
Numbers
Monk
Medium
Life
Cold Case
Body of proof
Without a trace
Break out kings
King and Maxwel
Forever
Arrow
Scorpion 
Intelligence
Awake
Jo
Blacklist
Tru Calling
Chase
Terriers
Nikita
24
Alcatraz
Common Law
Sleeper Cell
Human Target
BoomTown
Life
Crossing Lines
Elementary
Motive

Jo-town why you no like head?

yum

 

First of all, I would like to apologize in advance for always laughing at stuff I shouldn't laugh at in the first place. Ain't nothing as hard as trying to stop yourself from laughing (apart from diarrhoea of course). It is the same problem I get when I'm teaching. I ask a question and the students sometimes come up with the funniest answer and I just about get a heart attack trying to hold in that laughter.

Don't get me started on the awkward questions they ask me ALL.THE.TIME!Like this time we were talking about cancer and I tell the kids that when you have cancer one of the side effects of chemo is your hair falls off and i think your nails turn black or something. Then this kid lifts his hand with this serious face like he is about to say something profound. Then he asks,"You mean all hair falls off, including here? *asks while pointing his crotch*. I just repeated,"All hair including your eyebrows". At this point I have to feign anger to scare the others from asking follow up questions or making dirty jokes. It's cancer for crying out loud.

Let me get back to the story that I wanted to tell you. So this chiq who has lived all her life in town has been posted at a job near our village right! So being the good host that I am, with a big heart like a watermelon, I decide to welcome her.

First we go to this party to celebrate the birth of a new born. And the mama can throw down in the kitchen. She cooks food so good it could make you slap your mama. My friend looooo...ves chicken so you can imagine her joy when she saw some in a hot pot. Here they don't serve food in bowls, they keep them in hot pots which is kinda new to me.

My pal otoko the first helping of the chicken and eats it with glee. She then decides to go for a second helping but then changes her mind and declares that she is full. I don't think much of it seeing as she had already served copious amount of the hapless chicken.

On our way home she is pensive and sort of sad which made me fear that maybe she could be suffering from food poisoning. I then ask her to fungua roho. Then she confesses that when she looked in the bowl she saw chicken head in the bowl. She could've sworn the chicken was looking at her. Imagine that!

Apparently guys outchea don't cook chicken head n feet. They throw them away. Here in the village every part of the chicken is cooked. (Ok apart from the feathers). My friend was pissed because i didn't give her a heads up. Thing is Ive lived for a long time in the village to a point that I'm not surprised at things like finding chicken heads in a bowl. 

At least this mama's chicken was clean. Ive gone to houses where the house girl forgot to clean the sundu properly and served it on my plate which left a taste of shit in my mouth. I dared not spit it out because it would be considered rude.

Now my friend has sworn off chicken (Yay! the more for me ) This was after I explained to her that you gotta eat everything from the wattle to the tongue and all. You should have seen her retching. She argues that chicken poke their beaks in dirt and eat worms. I have seen chicken poke around in cow dung but it hasn't made me love them any less. This must be what true love is all about. You see them eat shit but you still love them to deff.lol. I think her argument about chicken-eat-shit-so-i-cant-eat-the-head-and-feet is total BS. Because I'm pretty sure all that dirt and all that chicken eat is what makes up all the other parts of the chicken like the drum stick n breast bone that people love so much.

 I know I should be sympathetic but nah. I love me some head...chicken head I mean.

Looks so good I wanna cry

Go out and get some chicken head tonight. You wont regret it son!
tata

Book review: Inconceivable by ben Elton

This is the saddest funny book Ive ever read in a long time. The book revolves around a couple- Lucy and Sam Bell who have been trying to have a baby for five years. The book has been written in form of a diary where Lucy and Sam are all recording their thoughts in their individual diaries. And of course majority of what they write about is their feelings on trying to get pregnant and all they go through. So we get to see things from a man's point of view then from the woman's.

They have tried everything that has been suggested to them by their friends, family and colleagues. From flavored tea, having sex alfresco on a full moon, aromatherapy (which stinks up the house and gives Sam blocked nose), prayers (although Lucy is agnostic), performing fertility rites complete with chanting and all, massaging nutmeg oil on the crease of Lucy's bum to Lucy sleeping with her bum propped up  to make the sperms swim towards her uterus. They have read and watch all articles on trying to get pregnant. Lucy tapes anything about fertility and cuts articles off newspapers. Although some of the suggestions are ridiculous they just give it a try because everything else hasn't worked out. Its not like it can get any worse.

Readers get to see what couple who are having a hard time get pregnant go through. How they go through heartbreak after heartbreak. Although the book is sad, the author still managed to make it funny as well. You gotta read it to know how it ends. And if you have read any of Ben Elton's works you know the ending is always unpredictable.

When in doubt, wear black!

I remember when I was young I watched the above Grease video and I loved how John Travolta and his love interest were dressed in all black. The way Travolta was gyrating his hips... ayayayai! Then that part where they are in the shake shack thingy...  rrrrr! It got me thinking all sorts of stuff. Forget the stripper pole I needs me a shake shack in the boudoir. I have a hundred and one things I could do in it. 

Stop it Vicky! *slaps self*

Fast forward to the early nineties rapper Ja rule and singer Ashanti did a similar scene in their song mesmerize- I think. Ashanti looked so good in her shiny black thingy- couldn’t stop watching the video. Did you watch the same on glee? Perfect I tell you. And what do they all have in common? They are all in black. And you wanna know why? Because black is timeless guys! Whitney Houston's - I'm your baby tonight. She is wearing black and looking yummy as hell. Oh! Beyonce’s Countdown music video was awesome. Did you see her in black dancing like a marionette! Loved it! If only my child- bearing hips would fit in those black tights I would walk all day like that. Or not!

Just like Lisa Raye love's wearing all white and Janelle Monae be rocking black and white all day, I love my black. Most of my clothes are black. My bed sheets are black- my covers are black. When my mother saw them, she was mortified. She claims that why she ain't got no gran babies because I be scaring away all potential suitors with black bedding. Nothing about black spells sexy she says. But I beg to differ. Black is sexy. Let nobody tell you different. I wanted to buy black sofa sets but my sister claims it would make my house look dull. Poppycock, if you ask me. The only thing stopping me from wearing black now is that I work in a hot town in Homa bay county. The sweltering heat makes wearing black impossible and makes my black T-shirts fade at the back.

You can never go wrong with black. Everyone should have a black something in his or her closet. Black is no longer a preserve for funerals and formal events. Black should therefore not be viewed as depressing.  Black really is beautiful. 

Heck! I should print out T-shirts with this slogan. 

Then maybe I'll get y'all to love wearing black.

 If you haven't started already.

I was shocked to discover that there are so many colours out there and I have a hard time telling them apart. You got cobalt, navy blue, mauve,beige, crimson, tangerine, coral, turquoise, neon etc. But black is universal. Everyone around the world probably owns some piece of clothing in black. You can wear black with everything. You can even wear black on black! How awesome is that? 

Black is slimming. When you wear black, you look smaller and taller too. Black is timeless. It was cool back then and it is still cool to date. Black is not easily stained. What with me being clumsy and all. Black is just black. There is no light black or dark black. If you send someone to buy you something in black chances of them of f-ing it up are pretty slim. Anytime someone is selling me anything I always gotta ask” do you have it in black?” drives my friends bats. So next time you are going out and you don’t know what to wear. Wear black. You will thank me later!

My favourite cry-worthy movies

Ever watched a movie so depressing that it had you slinging snot around crying your tear glands dry?

You know you really don't have to do that to your self but its so beautiful you cant help it. The following movies are the ones that had me get my ugly cry on because they were so friggin sad. I'll mention the part that tug at my heart strings. If you don't cry at least it will give you those balancing tears like pussy in boots kwa shriek. If it doesn't then your cold man. You need to thaw that ice box you call a heart real quick! Don't worry I wont ruin for anyone.

1.Finding never land
When Johnny Depp's character is sitting on a bench and the little boy has balancing tears Nyasachiel I was howling!

2. Never let me go
When the guy gets out of the car and walks away and starts wailing and screaming like a banshee it broke my heart.

3. My sisters keeper
When the mama slapped her daughter. Not cool!
 
4. Sweet November
At the bridge when he tells her to close her eyes as she walks away.

5. Adjustment bureau
where do I start? How about when he sees her through the window. sweet!
 
6. Four colored girls
When Janet Jackson's character sits on the bed telling her no-good man whats what! It convinced me that Janet really is a great actor. Y'all know anything by Tyler Perry is bound to leave you touched as hell. I know guys think is corny but Tyler just has a way with them scripts.
 
7. Diary of a mad black woman 
When she is being dragged through the floor and thrown out. 

8. Daddy's little girls
The part wheree Idris Elba is in an altrercation with whats-his-face and they are playing Sam cooke's Change is gonna come. I cried like a baby

9. Titanic
When he goes to the bottom of the sea.
 
10. Law abiding citizen
What happened to his wife and child. Not cool. And they saw it fit to put it at the beginning of the movie? Not cool! :(
 
11. London
He could say he loved her and when she finally did...
I just get the sniffles thinking about it now.
 
12. Unfaithful 
When he found the gift he bought her at whats-his-name's house. Ouch!

13. Ghost
When he tried to speak to her but couldnt get throught to her because they were both from "different worlds'. I watched this in high school.

14. John Q
When Denzel Washington was crying. How you gonna make my man cry doe! It cut me, it cut me real deep.

BTW ever notice how Kimberly Elise knows how to cry on cue. That woiye struggle cry? e.g in
Diary of a mad black woman, Four colored girls, John Q. In her career I think she's the actress whose lost the mostt tears. There should be an award form that if you ask me!

15. Stepmom
The movie is depressing but the only thing I remember is how he preopossed with strings nshit. It was so romantic and sweet I cried buckets.lol

So next time you are in need of a good cry, find any of these movies and I guarantee you will weep like nobody's bidness. There's something cathartic about crying your eyes out. It gets rid of those negative emotions.

ION- December is here. Happy new month

And then I fell in love and now I got love all over me!

There is something about kids. When you get close to them you eventually find yourself falling in love with them. I thought movies like Are we there yet, The pacifier, About a man etc were corny. I mean how can grown adults let themselves be manipulated by these tiny tots. That was until I was posted in this boys' high school in Homa Bay and I found out first hand.

These little buggers are addictive. Holden in The catcher in the Rye was right 

“Don’t tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody”

Now I love my class so much I can't stand it. When they fail it bothers me and I could just easily drink Kermit's tea like...

... and keep it moving but I cant. Because it's now my business. And you know why, I done let them into my heart and now I'm hooked just as character Frank explained in the book Father Frank...

He loved them (children), he'd always been good with them, but viewed them in much the same way as heroin addiction. From the moment they are born, you fall hopelessly in love with them and you are a prisoner to those feelings forever. Yes, they bring immense pride and pleasure but worry too- the most horrible gut wrenching worry. And there is no rehab program, you cant kick children the way you can kick smack. Best not get too hooked in the first place.

I shouldnt have gottten hooked in the first place. buh too late y'all, I'm hooked and I can't kick the habit! I let them get away with so much stuff the other teachers are always smh. Guys tell me how come I can check adults and tell them off but my students manipulate me up and down the streets. The answer is I'm hooked and there is no cure y'all. 

They manipulate me with the back talk and sass, silent treatment, pouting and don't forget the water works-  hate seeing tears. I hate seeing them cry and now they use it all the time. Every time I lay down the law they challenge my authority. They think all my rules are suggestions. Everyday I be having a referendum  with these young dissenters just to get them to do simple tasks. It annoys me because I'm always screaming my self hoarse all day as these kids spleen me every day.

It's even worse that I don't smack them like their parents do here in the village. One came to school demanding to know why I do not whip the kids. Now they are all worried that Imma turn their children into juvenile delinquents. They got me worried that I'm going to be a bad disciplinarian and raise my own kids to be brats :(

The go-sit-in-a-corner does zilch for their naughtiness. If anything they go to sleep in the nawty corner just to get me riled and it works all the time. I just hate the idea of smack children around. I think they should learn how to listen without the fear of the cane.Besides corporal punishment was banned in Kenyan schools tene. I don't have bail money and I'm too cute to go to jail and "pick soap".  But I don't have kids so I do not know!

These kids got me spending money on things I do not care about. At this rate I won't have a pot to piss in by the time I'm retiring. But the funny thing is I do not really care because when I go to sleep, I sleep in this soft comfy pillow called clear conscience. I have found my calling and I'm living a fulfilling life. 

All I ever wanted like Jeff who lies at home was to do something important. Something that mattered so that when I die you won't all be there at the funeral like "yeah she was a real b*tch". But you will be glad I lived because i touched lives. 

Enough talk gotta go mark them exam papers. Two more weeks to closing day and I'll be like...

chao

If loving him is wrong, then I don't ever wanna be right

There I was with my teacher friends in this kiosk and a Lil Wayne song happened to come on the radio. I love me some Lil Wayne, always have. I can even remember the first song I heard  where he featured in " soldier" with Destiny child and I was hooked. I think I have listened to all his songs. There is just something so cool about him except of course the fact that he seems to have lotsa baby mamas. But who cares doe, he makes frigging good music. I especially love how he plays around with words, the puns and all...

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days of the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain

And I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try but I'm cursed, so never mind
And it's worse but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher the more that I climb

(Drop the world)

Some of his lyrics can make you blush...

'Cause her form puts me in a trance
I transform smaller and she puts me in her pants
Swizz-Swizz on the beat, Chris move ya feet
And Weezy transform a good girl to a freak

(Transform ya)

Out of habit (you know seeing as I have this music video in the house) I started singing my ginene off. I could remember "Dufflebag boy" video and it brought back memories. There is this part where this mami is cooking for whats-his-face in her underwear. I decided to do the same some time back  me being impressionable nshit and got burnt where the sun dont shine. lol

I was caught up in singing that I didn't see the others watching. Now when I got to the part...

...Need a hoe break a hoe never nuthin new to us
Turnin hoes to house wives never been cool with us...

They darn near lost their minds.

(Then it so happened that it was a Saturday and the Sabbath thingy had begun. This is a a serious thing here since its predominantly SDA.  While the rest of Kenya is engaging in debauchery and making bad decision they'll regret later - over here we are ushering the holy day. Its so hard to do the walk of shame here, if the guilt don't kill you the hot naked sun will get you)

Talmabout how as an educator I should lead by example and not listen to these misogynistic songs. I think the feminist was too disappointed but the ratchet part of me was like O.O? My love for Lil Wayne is bullet proof owada. Ain't nobody got time for reality check.

 

Is like he is looking into my soul

I know some day Imma have to give him up. But before I do let me infect you with some of  Lil Wayne finest songs...

1. Make it Rain feat Fat Joe
2. Motivation feat Kelly Rowland
3. Gimme that feat Chris Brown
4. Leather so soft
5. Duffel bag boy
6. Lock you down feat Maya
7. Sweetest girl feat Wycliffe Jean
8. Loyal feat Chris Brown
9. Drop the world
10. I need a soldier feat Destiny's child
11. How to love


You are welcome!