Mr. Wrong

For ladies only!!!

Most young women will tell you that one of the fears they experience is the fear of ending up with Mr. Wrong. That is if they aren’t already enmeshed in some pseudo relationship and are suffering a lot of grief with their life playing out like something out of the Mexican soaps. I’m no expert in relationship matters, but I can tell you the qualities of Mr. Wrong, seeing as I have had my fair share of frogs who never turned into princes even after swapping spit with them.

Those are 2 gm of my lip gloss that I will never get back! mssschew!

Although this article may not exhaust all the signs to look out for to determine if you are with the wrong man, it may provide a few pointers to help you in making a decision. You know, separate the wheat from the chaff. You may need a pen and paper...

1. Secrets

If a man does not intend to take your relationship anywhere, he keeps his life a secret. He doesn’t share the intimate details of his life. You don’t know where he lives. You do not know what he does for a living. You have never met his friends or family EVER. You never know where he is at any given time. In fact you know more about your M-pesa guy or milk man more than you know about him. If he switches off his phone when you are with him... honey you are in trouble! I have a friend whose boyfriend can switch his phone for a whole week. But my friend doesn’t get it. I’m guessing he has multiple phone lines and will probably throw away the sim card when he is through with her. (And oh, if your man suddenly yearns for independence with words “I need space” then its time to move on. The widest space you should have is between the bedroom and the kitchen.LOL)

2. You are warned about him all the time

If your friends, his friends, your family and his family keep warning you about him, then it is in your best interest to keep off him. (I remember I was once seated in a mat next to the driver and other friends started hi fiving him for “getting” me. They were speaking in another language and thought I couldn’t understand and the idiot actually played along. He went ahead to give him some dumb ridiculous story of how he was able to get me kwa box. It was hilarious, I couldn’t even get mad.) If his male friends have a nickname that implies he is a cheater e.g player, ladies man etc then it’s a clue. Sometimes if a man wants to break up, he will tell his friends and some of them throw you the hints. If you are smart you will pick up these hints.

3. Inconsistencies

You intuition tells you something is not right. Something is definitely off but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Now you see him, now you don’t. One minute he is chatting away with you, the next he is aloof. He tells you one story today and the next time he is saying a totally different story. All the stories he tells you just never add up. There’s so much inconsistency with him that you don’t even know who he is half the time.

4. No future talk

He never describes you as his wife or girl friend etc to other people. The only person, who knows he is your boy friend, is YOU. He never talks about his future plans with you because he doesn’t see you in it. One of the signs of a mature relationship is when people have similar goals and are planning a future together. I’m talking both short term and long term plans. If you never make any plans together at all that’s a big sign. If he keeps you on a need-to-know-basis kind of relationship which is infuriating then honey vamoose already!

5. Mixed signals

He always sees you when it is convenient for him and you have a good time. He promises to call you then disappears for days and appears from nowhere and starts off from where he left with no apology or explanation whatsoever. He never says he loves you but he acts as if he does. He leads you on and makes you think you are an item but you know in your heart it is not true. His words and actions are not in sync all the time. It’s like he hasn’t made up his mind whether he wants you or not. [Sometimes not making a decision is making a decision (do the math)]. And it is ok to ask “where is this relationship going?”

6. You don’t feel safe

If your man scares you somehow, in a way that you can’t explain then something is definitely wrong with your relationship. When you are in town and you see someone who looks like him your heart beats faster because of fear, you are in serious trouble. (One of my best friends has a douche bag of a husband who mistreats her. When they go out she has to carry extra cash because if she so much as suggests something he does not like, he walks out of the restaurant and doesn’t pay the bill. If you are in this a similar situation then it’s a clue). If you are afraid of making a suggestion, sharing your real feelings or anxieties with him... RUN baby, run!

7. Moves too quickly

This ninja always has fresh pick up lines. He is abnormally perfect. He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. He is too charming and knows how to reel you in and make you feel calm. Always has an answer and witty riposte for anything you ask him. He knows how to explain away any inconsistencies that you may be concerned about. He wants you to meet his mama after a week and drops the L-word within the first few meetings. He declares his feelings within the first few minutes of meeting. He wants to do anything you want to do. He is careful not to offend you. He is happy to let you run the show. Promises too much too soon and yet he doesn’t know you. This clearly shows he has no intention of getting to know all of you, except maybe this small part! (If he sweeps you off you feet easily, be assured he will drop you just as fast and the pain will hurt like a bastard)

8. Checks out other females

If he checks out other ladies in front of you then he doesn’t think you are an item. You also have to check how he relates with other females. Is he way too friendly? Does he flirt brazenly in front of you despite your protest of disapproval? Does that hug he gives Shaniqua take too long? Does he grub other women’s butt when you go out together? Does he hang out with ladies he clearly knows you hate?  Does he make misogynistic statements when you are together without thinking? Honey he has no respect for women! 

9. Puts zero effort in the relationship

Do you feel like you are in love alone? Do initiate all activities? Do you do all the calling and texting? Are you are the only one putting all the effort. Does it always seem like you are the one who is doing the chasing and not him? If he ignores you and can’t be bothered to text let alone call then it’s clearly not working. If you are doing too much to keep the passion alive and he isn’t, then clearly you are with Mr. Wrong!

10. Spend too much money or none

If he has never spent a dime on you but you have spent some on him, you are in trouble. (Does he always subscribe for free sms to chat and has never ever called you? Or those dudes who call for a few seconds and tell you to “weka laini ya airtel” then hang up haraka) When a man loves a woman he is willing to spend on her. If you have never touched his money, someone else is touching it and I’m not talking about his mama!

On the other hand if he ignores you and makes up for it by splurging on you then Houston...there’s a problem. He who pays the piper, calls the tune. Money weakens your resolve. Be wary of men who spend way too much cash on you unless of course you are looking for a “sponsor” and not true love.

11. Makes you feel bad about yourself

(I met an old friend a few days ago and she had shaved all her hair. I noticed this because back when we were younger she had the most beautiful shoulder length hair. We got to talking and she explained to me that she shaved it because every time she makes her hair her man makes fun of her. Telling her she looks like a witch while tagging and pulling on her hair. Her clothes and hair and everything about her is not good enough. He even calls her fat all the time and makes fun of her weight. I don’t mean to be arrogant but am never shaving my hair for no douche bag) If your man makes you feel worthless, constantly pointing out mistakes and criticizing everything please walk away. If he makes fun of your dreams and shows you how your plans won’t work, please walk away. He is going to break you and turn you into an insecure fool. It’s probable that he will do the same for your children.

12. He has the “Dorian gray syndrome”

He spends way too much time in front of the mirror than is healthy. He spends too much money on clothes. He marinates in his cologne. Spends too much time on grooming and is too concerned with his appearance. He never passes any mirror even when you are out together. God forbid one hair should be out of place. He carries a comb in his pocket and kitamba for wiping his shoes. He does pedicure, manicure and facials regularly. His bathroom has all the potions and lotions available on planet earth for improving one’s look. If he is not in the entertainment industry where his looks is part of the brand package- it’s a bad sign. He may be narcissistic or over compensating for something. He may even be trying to look good for someone and not you. I have a friend whose husband uses skin lightening creams and lotions (how do you spell douche bag). LOL.

13. Constantly accuses you of cheating

(A friend of mine has been avoiding me lately. I discovered from a mutual friend that her boyfriend b*tch slapped her in front of everyone at the club. She is afraid of telling me because she knows my potty mouth won’t let it go. The story goes that her bf went to the gents and the guy next to her started chatting her up. The next thing she knew, her man slapped her so hard she fell from her sina tabu stool. If the bouncer hadn’t intervened the poor girl would have ended up in the hospital. I wasn’t surprised because she had been telling me how he is constantly accusing her of cheating) Usually people who cheat assume others also doing the same. (btw if he cheats on you, he is Mr. Wrong, but you know that already)  Takes one, to know one. Like those father who are always abnormally strict with their daughters because they assume someone will do to them what they are doing to other peoples daughter’s.

14. Fights

I’m talking beating, slapping, grabbing, roughing you up...if it hurts then it can’t be love. The only time a man should lay hands on you is to pray for you or give you some loving.LOL. It doesn’t have to be physical, it can be verbal or emotional like sulking, cold treatment, abandonment, ignoring you etc. Not putting you first anymore then you know things have gone pear-shaped. If you fight too frequently, and you fight dirty then it’s definitely over. If you go for each others Achilles heels and fight at the slightest problem then there is some deep seated resentment that are clearly being projected. And if gets to the point that you fight in public with screaming contests, its the last straw as you have now lost respect for each other enough not to care.

This one is a no brainer unless of course you have a death wish them go ahead...as you were...

15. He has the “Peter pan syndrome”

He has never grown up. He is suffering from late adolescence. Wants to party all nite and sleep all day. The amount of blood in his alcohol is very low (sub text he is an alcoholic) Has no plans for the future and seems to need a mother more than a girlfriend. Your relationship feels more like babysitting. He is constantly playing games with you, using emotional blackmail, crying, whingeing and being melodramatic. Makes up dumb excuses for messing up; excuses which are both condescending and insults your intelligence. You play who-will-call-who-first games and before long you are reduce to indulging in these stupid games. You think you have won when he grovels first or you initiate the opening gambit but you know in your heart its all pyrrhic victory.

16. No shaboing’boing’

No sex (but if its there its booooriiing!), hugs or kisses no more. You don’t have any fun with each other whatsoever. You are bored around each other. This is self explanatory though!

You know its over and you need to cut your losses and move on. Now you are probably wondering, how do I walk away from a bad relationship? Well it’s easy, you put one foot in front of the other babes! Yes, you are welcome! Now try it.

*stands in a superwoman cat suit and cape flapping on top of a building – cue SMALLVILLE theme song*

Peculiar writers’ habits

I got another tip to help me improve my writing- spend more time with other writers. So a few weeks ago I had the pleasure of hobnobbing with a couple of writers in one of the local publishing house. And I can confess that the heady days I spent with them has convinced me that writers are definitely koo koo. Allow me to digress...

I watched a movie on KTN that followed the life of a character played by Kimberly Elise. She was a mentally challenged girl who couldn’t fit in a special school and in the mainstream curriculum either. This is because she was too fast for special school and too slow for the mainstream classes. She was straddling the fence between being completely normal and completely mentally challenged which means there was no where to go since the government doesn’t make provisions for such kind of people. The young lady was really frustrated because she couldn’t find where she fit in her surroundings. I didn’t know how the movie ended though because I fell asleep. Blame it on itis (remember boondocks). That’s how I feel sometimes, I’m light years from being a consummate writer but I’ve come too far to go back. Oh well....back to the topic.

Yours truly assumed she could easily segue into a great writer, write awesome stuff, shove it down the readers’ throats then wait for the awards to start pouring in but alas! I’m beginning to become ambivalent about this writing thing. It’s a jungle out there new writers! A writer writes an idiosyncratic article about a topic he/she cares about then puts on the last full stop satisfied that it’s a job well done. Before you know it, another writer writes a nuanced review of the article, which in most cases seeks to criticize the writer. Another writer comes in with a review of the review of the first writer, and then another writer writes the review of the review of the review... then it goes on and on and on...

Finally many other writers or bloggers (if it’s a blog post) join the fray and most of the time go out of topic such that you don’t even know what the original topic was all about. The comments, which are come thick and fast, quickly degenerate into attacking the writers personally and not their writing per se. Some trolls take it further by launching into a tirade attacking not only the writer but their loved ones, which feels me with so much indignation I get homicidal thoughts. They make sure to drop a few expletives to galvanize other reader’s emotions and as usual they invariably succeed. This is when I stop reading to keep from saying something I will regret later. But I must admit sometimes you can get some great insights and inspiration from the comment nazis that will help create something beautiful. That’s me... always looking at the glass as half-full!

Writers like to form camps; at least that’s how it seems to me. They hate those other publishing houses who in turn hate their writing projects. It’s hilarious to read the various blogs of them criticizing each other. I can’t complain because as they engage with each other us neophyte writers get materials from the articles that are edifying. One mans poison is another mans meat! And I like mine bovine (just though I should put it out there.LOL)

They also read a lot and are smart asses if you ask me. Some of the articles they graciously gave me make no sense at all.  I’m forced to keep referring to the dictionary to make sense of it all. Since all the articles they write have to be accurate, they do a lot of research and they know a lot about everything. 

(I can’t tell you how many times they kept correcting my grammar. They were appalled at my abysmal use of English language. I wonder what they could have done if they found out that I actually did English in college)

  

How many know you can’t argue with a writer and win? Ok hands down! They know how to organize their ideas and articulate all their thoughts. Writers know how to explain or put their feelings into words. They express themselves so beautifully which makes me envy them so much. Since they are so intense, they are able to feel things that the average person usually doesn’t. As one writer explained to me ‘they are in touch with their feelings’. Wish I could touch my feelings like that you know. Half the time I never know where my feelings are at. My writer friend tells me that makes me ‘emotionally handicapped’. (Where do people get such words?)

(Writers are the only one who can whip out words like “knowing yourself” “discovering yourself” and my own personal favourite “finding yourself”. I got another advice on being a writer about finding myself and my voice blah blah blah... Not that I was ungrateful or anything but why can’t they use normal words though? How pray tell do you find yourself? Personally, I, Me, Myself actually want to find ways how to get away from myself. If someone can help me find ways how I can get away from my self I would be eternally grateful. I’m full of my self. My cup of self runneth over! But for real though, how do you really find yourself? You have been always with yourself. You are all you know. Anything you need to find about your self will come forth during the few aha moments you experience or epiphanies you get from life-changing experience. I don’t think its something you can manipulate, but then again that’s why my writer friends still considered a Johnny-come-lately writer)

Even when they are wrong they know how to manipulate facts to win arguments. This is the only place where I have been unable to bull sh*t my way out of arguments. Clearly kuku wa shambani hawiki mjini!

Since writers think for a living they spend so much time trying to figure things out. This therefore simply means that they are loners. If you are going to create, you obviously need some alone time. This explains why they are always looking spaced out; lost in thought. They also love silence and abhor noisy people like me. I can’t tell you how many times I was shushed in that room. I tried putting on some music to lighten up everyone’s mood but of course they didn’t appreciate this benevolent gesture. The “silence is golden” sticker on the door should have been a clue for yours truly. I guess it’s because they won’t be able to resist listening to lyrics of the song and of course criticize it.

Writers are always trying to know why things happen that sometimes they go a bit koo koo. Since they spend so much time alone they come up with the most bizarre thoughts and ideas. Sometimes to strangers they can come off as taciturn. They are in most times antisocial ergo they have no one to bounce off their ideas. Staying away from other humans make them antisocial with no one to reality check them hence their ideas get crazier by the day. It’s no surprise to find that with time they begin to feel like gods thanks to being able to create characters who they manipulate whichever way they want. There is this joke I heard that you should never annoy a writer because he/she will use you as a character in their next book and “kill” you.

 I have read books that made me think that the writer must have been high on some potent drug or alcohol. One such writer is Roal Dahl whose book up to now I have never been able to read since they are scary and gross. I don’t watch horror movies, same for horror books.

There some things I think about that am afraid to even think about leave alone putting them down on paper. But not some writers, they put it all out there. I guess since they are alone for long periods of time there is no one to temper down their wild ideas, before long their actually lose their marbles. I swear writers are not normal. Like this time we are in the office of one writer and she shrieks loudly. I then ask her if she is ok. Then she goes “he sent me the email”. Then I read the email and I don’t see anything unusual. Then I ask her,”so?”. And she goes...and this is a true story “he didn’t break any grammar rules, it’s perfect”. This lady wanted to cream her knickers because her better half for the first time wrote an email correctly. There was no xaxa...powle...powua or xema.

If they don’t lose the plot, they are filled with a lot of angst at the things in the world that aren’t going according to how they want them to go. This can be seen in their works. They worry about colonialism, imperialism, war, death, female circumcision, slavery etc affecting the world around them. When I spoke to some of them, they were so passionate about some things which according to me they can’t really change, at least not in one day. Some writers actually get depressed when people read the works, get entertained but there is no real behavioural change. They brush the writer off as being idealist who worries too much about nothing.

Someone once said that being a writer is like having a homework everyday that you can’t get out of. Writers are sometimes oblivious of time. They write whenever they get inspired. At around 5 when I wanted to run away and beat the evening traffic, none of them moved a muscle. They didn’t even twitch as I was leaving. My goodbyes were met with a lot of shushing. If you live with a writer, don’t be surprised in the middle of the night you are woken up with someone typing away next to you. Their ideas flow thick and fast, that they may not even notice your pleas for them to go back to sleep. Writing becomes an obsession. It becomes a drug. It’s the first thing they do or think when they wake up. It’s the last thing before they go to sleep.

I can confidently say that some of them are so geeky it’s not funny. The jokes they have with each other are so weird that only someone in their circles can understand. I remember one of them telling me that they will delete me, and sure enough every one laughed (except me because I didn’t see how that was funny). Or when some talk they wiggle up their index and middle fingers to show what they are saying is in quotes. This is one of the gestures I hate after the thumbs up and the ku goteana one. sorry!

What I love about writers though is that they are great listeners. They listen to conversations more closely. They watch everything more closely too. I bet they can make great witnesses in court because nothing passes their gaze. Writers are always aware of what is in their surroundings no matter how mundane they seem. Its not that writers have voyeuristic interest in peoples lives; It’s just that have this innate ability to notice everything that happens around them. They look into your eyes when you speak so as not to miss any nuance of expression. Its almost like speaking to a therapist, they can even get a lot from just watching your body language. Explains why they are able to create characters in stories and explain things from their point of view. They are attentive to each any everything you say and they can even enunciate every word if you need them to. The down side of course is that they also have a good memory too. They can remember everything you said verbatim, so if you had lied earlier, you might get into a bit of a pickle.

After having such a good time with the writer I thought it would be cool to pretend to be one, that is, until one of the smart asses told me that I don’t look like one. You mean there’s a look? Veteran writers, you are killing me here. Why didn’t you tell me there is a look? Should I wear a dashiki and chunky jewellery? Should I dye my hair blonde or finally get that Mohawk cut? Should I go bald? Or go back to an au naturale fro like valentine Njoroge (saw her on k24 looking fiiinnnnneeee!*no homo*)? Should I get the orie-Rogo head gear? Should I get a tattoo? Should I have locks like Tony Mochama ? Should I pierce my nose and navel or something? Come on, somebody help me here. How is a writer supposed to look? ...sigh!

Things can only get better by John O’farrell

Eighteen Miserable years in the life of a Labour supporter

For the last month or so I have been trying to finish reading this book. I say trying because as the sub-heading suggests it’s all politics which is a topic that I try to avoid whenever I can. The political scene in Kenya right now is not exactly inspiring. What with the politicians in this country crossing from one party to another on a whim, forming one poxy party after another which goes on to prove that they really don’t care much about our country or ideology but rather use these parties as mere vehicles to power. To them every party alliance formed or liaison with another political aspirant is merely a stopgap. Don’t even remind of when the MP’s wanted to award themselves 15millions each to recompense all the pain they had gone through serving us Kenyans (yeah right)

This book has somehow given me the impetus to be involved or at the very least follow the political scene in Kenya. I was dithering on whether to vote or note but now am definitely on board again. John chronicles the arduous journey of over 18 years he spent supporting the Labour party. He shows his frustration of trying to win an election for those 18 years and surviving the conservative government rule. He also doesn’t hide the fact that he did not like Margaret Thatcher. 

John manages to show his frustration in a very thoughtful, touching and humorous way that you actually sympathize with him. He involved himself in politics from a very young age doing door-to-door campaigns then working for a labour Mp to even standing as a council candidate himself. Eventually he settles for writing jokes for some shadow cabinet minister.

Those who are actively involved in politics especially campaign managers will find very valuable insights on how to win (or not win elections) For instance he says that some of the reasons why a party may lose elections include:

1. The party might have a leader that is not prime minister material.

2. The party manifesto alienates many of the electorates.

3. The media may be too hostile.

4. They appear hopelessly divided as a political party.

5. The campaign is poorly organized and unfocused.

Bet you most political parties in Kenya have suffered  all of the above at one time

He also talks about the different kinds of member in  party that undermine the party from within and they include the following:

1.Agenda dyslexic- These are members who are intelligent, can read and understand most things. However they don’tseem to understand the meaning of the word ‘agenda’. While the party members are tackling an issue they bring up other unrelated topics and derail the whole meeting. If you answer one of their questions, they bring up another.

2. Paranoid conspiracy theorists- they are always coming up with ridiculous theories as to why one thing or another is happening, most of which are imagined and outrageous.

3. The single issue fanatic- they are only in the party for one reason and one reason only. They do not care much about anything else that the party has to offer. They always manage to find ways on how to shoe horn their agenda into every debate much to the chagrin of the other members.

4. Honorary martyr- the one member who is always moaning about one thing or another. They are bitter about doing everything within the party and on the other hand they never delegate to others. When offered help they turn it down which of course makes no sense at all.

5.The mute-  Faithfully comes to all meeting but never contributes to anything. They blend in with the wall and the rest of the furniture in the party office.

6. Pedantic member-  the one who is too concerned about unimportant details and manages to suck out all the fun out of the party meetings. They are those people who nit-pick everything and pilfer all the party meeting time explaining unimportant rules or details that of course bore the rest to death. They are usually older in age and their being sticks in the mud can be attributed to their many years of activism which turned them into nitpicking arrogant bores.

John O’farrell also gives a few reasons why most people don’t get involved in politics or rather why they don’t vote. They are reasons he used to get when campaigning over the years for the labour party, These reasons which of course infuriated him include:

1.They are too busy( to put a cross on a bit of paper- which is maybe once or twice a year)

2. Bitterness-  the i –voted-last-year-and-nothing-good-happened kind of people. Most Kenyans I bet can relate to this especially after the violence and bedlam that followed the 2007 elections.

3.Voting only encourages them(political leaders) to stay in office- this is ridiculous considering not

                        voting does not remove them from office.

4.Some think they are above it-  Its sort of a superiority complex.

5. Its boring- This is especially common with the youth who consider not voting a macho posture. They see voting as “not cool”.

6.Indifference- which is common about the poor and all those who feel alienated and who don’t see what the government can do for them if they vote.

7. Religious reasons- God will choose for them a leader (never mind that he is not a registered voter.lol)

8.They are all the same- John says this is intellectually lazy because parties differ in one way or another. He argues that you don’t have to wholly endorse a candidate but you can just choose the one that is preferable over the other. If all of them are completely unacceptable then stand for election yourself.lol

John’s devotion to the Labour party for all those years is very admirable. I wish all citizens would be as patriotic. I would highly recommend people to read this book even to those who have a visceral dislike for everything political. I think... no... I know this is the only political memoir that I have read and I must say I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

 PS- I think me and John O’farrell are kindred spirits. He has a book called 'may contain nuts' which is similar to the title of my blog.lol. I think I’m in like Y’all.

Drink my PISS? I think I will PASS!

If you are eating... stop reading...if you haven't eaten, go eat first... trust me, its for your own good!

I have always known that urine is used to reduce the sting of jellyfish. During the struggle for independence in Kenya, the freedom fighters, I am told, used their urine to clean their wounds while hiding in the forest as there were no doctors around. In dry areas where water is scarce, people usually drink their urine too just to stay alive. These are the only occasions when I understand (not condone) why people “harvest” and ingest their urine. It's fighting for survival. Its either you use the piss or suffer from excruciating pain. Its a no brainer really.

But now my friend tells me that ingesting my own urine actually has health benefits. He even has a fancy name for it- Urine Therapy. According to the genius it cures a myriad of diseases such as colitis, amoebic dysentery, hepatitis etc as well as boosting my immunity. 

All these diseases? wow- sounds too good to be true huh? 

But i wasn't buying it. 

When he noticed that I wasn’t convinced, he offered to drink his in front of me as proof. He actually wanted to harvest it as I watch to make me a believer. Just when you think you have seen it all...

This is why; I think I really need to change friends already.

Just the thought of taking a swig of my own piss makes me retch. Blegh! It’s my body reject for crying out loud. If it were important; my body would have absorbed it already. What are you going to ask me to do next? Eat my doodie?

So I decided to ask doctor Google and the revelations that I came about are simply beggars belief. Urine therapy adherents argue that Urine is not waste but rather a by product of blood filtration. Apparently all the body rejects and toxins go out via solid waste. Therefore urine is water mixed with minerals, antibodies, hormones, nutrients and urea making it useful to ingest back into the body.

I think you may want to grab a seat for this one. Not only are people drinking it but they smear it on their skin to alleviate skin problems such as acne, calluses, athletes’ foot, eczema. 

Me, walk around reeking of urine, Ughhhh!

There are even special instructions for taking this elixir of life. It should be preferably “harvested” in the morning. The best sample should be mid stream urine i.e. you let a few drops to flow then place your harvester mid-stream. And... oh! don’t forget to wash your hoo haa first. I mean we don’t want our “drink” to be funky, do we now?

Now for the skin, it has to be rich in ammonia hence the need to use old urine. You harvest it and let it marinate for 3-4 days. You can then apply generously to the affected area, spray or if you like mix it with your favourite body lotion, aftershave, hairspray, moisturizer or cream. But please, try to introduce this elixir of youth gradually to your body. Like say diluting it with water to reduce the concentration. You know too much of a new good thing can’t be good for you now!

The drinking of urine has spread so much that more and more people are doing it all over the world; from India, Mexico, America, China, France and yes even Kenya.

(next time you go to someone’s house look out for that bedpan in there.lol)

 I was even more appalled to find out that there are even celebrities who actually swear by it. What broke my heart was when I found out that my one of my favourite writers, J.D. Salinger who wrote ‘the catcher in the rye’ also believed in the potency of drinking urine. 

Oh the humanity *places the back of right hand on the forehead*

Just when I was reeling from this new bit of information, I find out that there are people who are going around misquoting bible to convince people to imbibe their piss.smh! Now that’s just wrong!

"Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well." – Proverbs 5:15

“...out of the belly shall flow rivers of living water”. - John 7:38

I’m guessing they haven’t read the dire consequences that will face anyone who dares to add or subtract anything from the already written word of God in the book of Revelations.

We have other Urine therapy enthusiast blogging about it with great titles like

- Urine, nature’s elixir

- The wonders of urine therapy

- Natural remedy

- Healing urine therapy

... and many other euphemisms to make it less vile. One even confessed to having worked his way up to drinking SIX CUPS??? WOW!

When they add the fact that it anti-aging and anti-obesity, you know some women will definitely get on board. I seriously don’t get why people don’t want to embrace aging. We all going to get old and die at some point, why fight the inevitable? I mean it’s not like taking copious amounts of urine is going to bring back your youth or make you live forever. It won’t stop you from being hit by a truck or chocking on your food, if you get my drift.

When you use great marketing language, you can make people do almost anything, I tell you!

When I peeked at some chat rooms, I was even amused at the new recruits asking questions such as

 “how much should i take”

 “What is the dose?”

“Can I drink it while pregnant?”

“Can it help my erectile dysfunction?”(woiye)

“Should I give infants?”

“Can it help falling or thinning hair?”

“I’m HIV positive, can I drink mine?”(woiye)

“Can I take them while on drugs? “

Like they are actually considering it. I’m sorry but I really don’t get it, I really don’t. Forget even the taste. Its the process of "harvesting" is the one which gives me even more grief. I remember a few days ago I was at the hospital where I was asked to give a urine sample. You would think they would give me a potty sized cup but nooo...its a tiny cup which am expected to carry the liquid. It didn't help that I was on my periods-  I dont need to tell you how the whole fiasco ended.

Who knows, soon we will be having bed pans in the kitchen. Dropping ice cubes in the urine. Taking it shaken not stirred. Having urine cocktail, you know adding some chocolate or strawberry to it. Just talking about it makes me want to heave...

I think I will stick to the succulent fruits and vegetables plus my mineral water as a source of fluid in my system. Urine is just too much for my palate. I think I will pass on urine *the pun so intended*

WTH???????

I have always believed that our ancestors meant well when they provided us with a list of the do’s and don’ts years ago. For some time they served some important purpose but over time some of them have quickly become redundant.

I don’t really know much about other Kenyan tribes but as a Luo I will be the first to confess that following the laundry list of rules set by some one who by now is probably manure in some shamba is exhausting. One friend of mine who was marrying a man from my tribe jokingly asked me if she could get a manual explaining all the rules. I think out of all the Kenyan tribes, we probably have the most cultural practices, beliefs and rules to follow.

Growing up they(older family members) would tell us things like if you cup your face with both of your hands while eating your mother will die.  

I’m guessing it was meant to encourage good table manners.

Grandma or grandpa was not supposed to sleep in the same house as their married children with their spouses. 

I believe this started when people didn’t have bedrooms so it was kind of awkward to be sleeping on one side with your spouse and your parent on the other side- its simple common sense.

You were not supposed to sit on the same seat that your parent usually seats on.  

Well, then people didn’t have underwear except for a simple loin cloth. So again it was kind of gross to sit where your parents have just left some epithelials- again its commons sense.

But now thanks to modernization we have bedrooms, we wear clothes etc hence the need to let go of the moribund customs already. You all read what happened to Okonkwo's character in ‘Things fall apart’ when he tried to resist change. I suspect most people have a foreboding feeling when asked to abandon some of these cultural practices as they see it as loosing their identities or feel like sell-outs.

I was appalled this week when some family decided to bury alive an 8 month old calf next to an old man. They claim it was because he had not been paid dowry while he was alive so they thought killing the poor animal by asphyxiation will appease him. 

Wait, it gets worse, they were a family claiming to be staunch Christians. Really people? Really people?

The last time I checked there is no curse so big that our dear Lord cannot save us from. You can’t chew gum and sugar cane simultaneously. You can’t receive Jesus and profess Christianity then still continue to practice those redundant cultural practices.

The old man was not even the father of the bride, he was the big brother to the lady and he felt he was owed the dowry since their father had passed on earlier. It is also funny that when he was alive there was no money to buy the cow but now that he is dead... voila! They get the mullah!

Just when I think no one can come up with any more bizarre events... just when I think I have seen it all... BAM! I get hit by this. We really need to stop this madness people. gawd!